9 years old why is it so cold when the heaters on, my family doesn't carry warmth.
12 years old I need a family more than I need an education.
Where did my family photos go?

17 I found something in a broken soul but he can't build me a world.
19 I need love from a strong man, I don't know what love is.
Where did my family photos go?

22 I want to see the world before I see myself
23 A real family doesn't exist for me, I don't have one. I can't build one.
26 It's been a while. I've been lost.
27 I met a man. He didn't promise me anything when I asked what he could give me.
Where did my family photos go?

29 He's still here.
32 He's still here. He promised me nothing but he gave me something.
87 He's not with me anymore. His last gift was something I was looking for.
My photos.

Late nights
Shattered glass,
Car brights,
A family with brown grass.

I have a
Legacy.

Old Christmas lights
Vinyl siding
Rusted bicycles sprawled
On thumbnail lawns.

Two a.m cigarettes
On wooden porches
Scaffolding to store
Gasoline cans under.

I have a
Legacy.

"You were raised in
A trailer park."

But wasn't I?
Wasn't it the truth?

I have a
Legacy
A life that I
Escaped.

Thumbnail lawns can't
Compare to the life I got.

But not all will have
That kind of chance.

Hey mum, Hey dad
What happened
Those sparks that were send
Ends up dead

tantrums and fights
Aren't you tired
curses and shouts
Pain have rised

Eyes filled with tears
I'm watching with fear
Falling apart like my home
Without realizing I'm far too gone

~a.v.

Don't fix **** that ain't broken
Listen to these words being spoken
You think I'm jokin'
But let that **** sink in
This ain't even the worst part
But where should I start?
How bout' back to 2010?
Everything's coming back again
Things weren't pretty,
In fact, they were down right ******
Parents forgetting me and my siblings
They had better things to do
We didn't like to think so
but we knew it was true
We'd scream and yell, we'd had enough
But they weren't chicken to call our bluff
With their issues and misuse
And guys to mistrust
And girls that make fuss
Its no wonder I am where I am
Full of wonder and distrust
Life's just a ******* scam
This world's got me full of disgust
Flash forward to today
I'll hope and I'll pray
The good Lord will save my brother
From all the **** that started with my father and mother
My little sister
I see her everyday but I miss her
She's not the same
Timid and shy, back in the day
Now she'll ******* up if you get in her way
Ain't nothing changed in that house from yesterday
Except the absence of me
I couldn't take them away from all the dismay
No unfortunately, they had to stay
My siblings and me
They were all I had in that hell hole we called home
Then I left them there
Off to roam
My first real friends
And I left them in a place where happiness ends
But I hope they know
I want to watch them prosper and grow
They may be low, but they can rise above
So here's to my siblings, Kenneth and Carly
I hope you feel my kindness and love

How to begin such a unforgiving time.
A time where mother dearest was never home.
A time father drank four bottles of Strawberry flavored *** a night to forget the times back in the desert.
A time where my sister never spoke to me, didn't know where to find me.
A time my brother sexually harassed me for months at a time.
A time I dragged a cold  jagged thin piece of rusted metal across my thighs.
But
What about the good times?
Times where Mom called me first.
Or when dad spent time with only me.
Even when my sister came to visit me on her birthday.
Maybe even the days my brother and I stayed up playing video games.
And maybe that time I-

Downed a bottle of pills.
Spent 4 weeks in a recovery center only to be shipped to Philadelphia for further treatment.
Or when I thought I fell in love for the first time with the boy who wasn't quite a man.

There's times where I still wake up not wanting to get out of bed but I do. and that means maybe not today or tomorrow I will make good times with myself.

11 years ago
the last words you told my father were
"I'm coming back."
He waited 7 months,
Even called your mother.
Where did you go?
you left your family,
a daughter and potentially husband.
but **** was more beautiful than a bright future for yourself.
you've missed events your never gonna experience.
Your daughter turns 16  in 56 days.
Cliff wells he's got a woman now its been almost 10 years.
That woman raised me.
Shes the mom you could have never been.
Coleen.

Little by little,
I saw the world beneath her feet crumble,
Leaving her nothing to hold on to,
Her eyes blurred...
She couldnt hold the tears anymore.

In a flashback,
She saw her life come to an end,
What would she live for?,
he was her life,
and that life was sinking fast.

she couldnt comprehend,
why he would stab her so deep,
so severely..
It couldnt be true,she told herself,
there had to be a mistake.

sadly, it was no dream
It was real,
he was leaving her,
unaware of the wounds and pain,
his footprints would bear.

I should have held her hand,
I should have wiped her tears,
but how could i?
My pain would crawl in too,
She would be without a husband
And I, without a Dad.

Happy New Year!
365 days of blank, clean slate
A fresh start
Positive! Smiles! Resolutions!
New me
Without you
Happy New Year kid!
You have no parents
No Mum now if I ever really had her
Always out of reach
No Dad if he was ever really mine at all
Suitcases always packed, bus ticket at the ready
Living in a lake of fear
I have love, I have family, adopted
Adopted me as I adopted them
Temporary
Until a better offer comes,
Prettier, smarter, babies, husbands, whole families again
And I am replaced
Thrown out, blotted out of photos
Happy New Year kid!
You're on your own in the big wide world.