At first
My abuser dresses like a prince on a white horse
Speaks like a true gentleman
And keeps tabs on all my fears and discomforts
'cause he "cares"

Than
He smiles for the camera while twisting my arm under the table
He means "well"
He convinces me that my pale and expressionless face is more beautiful than ever

In the end
For a good while I confuse my weakened heartbeat and the numbness running through my veins for the "calmness"

But than
In the pitch black of the reality
I see a diminishing flame flickering inside me
In its light
My dreary reflection reassembles a way out

I am a quitter, yes, I’ll say it loud—
I quit being lost in your shadowed crowd.
I quit being your fool, your pawn, your game,
I quit letting you burn me in silent shame.

I quit the tears, the endless nights,
I quit the weight of losing fights.
I quit seeing your narcissist way
While losing myself day by day.

I quit loving the lies you sold,
The promises wrapped in hearts grown cold.
I quit, I quit—you've had your say,
But I choose myself in every way.

Your smile once captured, your charm once chained,
Your touch a spell that I entertained.
But no longer, no more, I break that hold,
My heart unbound, my spirit bold.

So here’s to the quitters who rise and heal,
Who reclaim their souls and learn to feel.
We quit the pain, we quit the ache,
We quit the love that only takes.

In quitting you, I find my start—
A newfound power, a whole new heart.
For I am not yours to use or break—
I am the fire you could never take.

So to all who’ve known this twisted love,
Who’ve felt the pull but rise above—
We quit, we soar, we set things right,
With heads held high, we walk toward light.

and she emerges, her wings
taking shape into the spring of youth
a crimson butterfly painting with her blood
against your words of expectation.
she is
                 beautiful,       free.
deciding against the whims of men
so intent on criticizing her very nature.

and she becomes the sun, burning brightly with her blade.

Family values, disintegrate with every sip you take,
With every lie, with every accusation you make,
You want me to die, so take me out,
Remove me from your lineage, I'll be free of doubt,
Growing up with no direction, no where to go,
So you drag me down deep, you drag me so low,
How can you love me and hate me the same,
You keep me around to have a place to project the blame,
An innocent child, grew up way too fast,
Always running from and fearing what's in my past,
I long for the day that I'm strong enough to forgive,
For that is the day I finally start to live.

i haven’t written in forever
even though i know it lights up my soul

sometimes it just scares me to unleash the girl within these ribs and see that she’s dying to grow

i love the comfort and stability of having it the same

change scares me, no, it terrifies me
but no change is my middle name

but here i am writing these words onto paper

expressing myself
shining my light or whatever

diving deeper into my brain
breaking open my chest and allowing this woman inside me out

she’s here, and she has so many words to shout

His hands were in my hair one moment and around my neck the next
He is the epitome of complexity
He is the man I love the most in this world
He is...

Our relationship is complicated
He loves me and I know it
When I am sad, he will comfort me
When I cry, he wraps me in his arms and holds me tight, telling me everything is going to be okay
When I succeed, he cheers on the sidelines, his face filled with pride

But I have become accustomed to being a doll
A trophy
When he is not right, he is right anyways
When he is angry, there is always someone else on the receiving end
There is always another to be blamed

Until now, I never knew I could be right
I didn’t know the freedom I could have
I didn’t know that there were guys who could be patient, would let me have an opinion, would let me be me instead of a trophy
I didn't know I was a person

My own entity

born in illusory chains
gnarled metal
encrusted in my broken skin
the copper colored dust
of rusted steel
infectiously envelopes

shaving off antiquated layers
of fundamentalist religion
encrusted for generations
unpeeled until raw
an unsophisticated method
unveiling
ancient lodged glass shards
colored with deceit

brought before their court
interrogated
unfathomably skewered
an eerie salem witch trial
in modern times

barbarically they shun me
banished
i wander aimlessly
smelling the rotten decay of deceased community
as splinters pierce my feet
from the crooked wooden plank
i walk alone now

an unfathomable inner ache
kindled a residue within
igniting a wildfire from the darkest shadows
uncontainably erupting
i dance savagely
naked in the orange moonlight
and in every shaded edge
lit my soul ablaze

i am a nomad sheep
‘tho not one of their color
no pasture to contain me
no shepherd i can follow
theological safety nets
no longer there to catch me
bohemian-like
i plunge

free falling
plummeting
stripped wide open
magically
fearlessness
reverses gravitation

floating
untethered
i soar amongst
apricot tinged clouds
my skin still wet from rebirth
and rise with the flaming coral sun

you cannot destroy me
i twisted in your decrepit pencil sharpener
and with fresh mettle
cut through the chains that bound

you can have my ego
but you cannot have my soul

dismantling domestication
transcending limitation
wildly untamed
i fly

©2016janetaylor