I lost myself
   or my ability to change aisles from another lane,
      and just like spreading eagle
moving on up
to an east side aisle
choosing    them...

because they are robbing us blind anyway.

Before,
I knew how to speak in Spanish
Then, before I knew it,
I almost forgot

Before,
I knew how to give you my love
Then, before I knew it,
That knowledge was lost

Before,
I knew how to laugh at the jokes
Then, before I knew it,
The joke was on me

[2019 edit:
Before,
I knew what the world was about
Then, before I knew it,
It wasn't so easy]

When I came to
It wasn't the tears
Or the screams and disappointed looks that broke me

It was the fact that I could see
Smell, taste, and hear
It was that I was so close to success
And they weren't supposed to wake me
When I could almost touch death and breath my last breath
All I saw was darkness
Floating in oblivion
Alone in a dark space
The past is blackness
The present is darkness
The future cannot be found
I went numb
My heart froze
Though I still breath
And ever since
I have not escaped

I'm laying here staring into the void,
The stars are harsh spectators.
Vast, cold nothingness reaches into me.
Prickly fingers grip my heart.

I'm bitterly  grateful for the familiarity,
It's nice to remember the pain.
A noose on my neck, a vice  in my gut.
Love has come to collect.

I remember the crossroads, the deal we made.
The glorious shining love,
That glow shined in all of the dark places,
Then we saw the ***** corners.

We saw the murk, polluted wells, fecund fields.
The glorious shining love,
it was no longer pure, it couldn't support us.
It splintered and blew us to pieces.

I lay here alone again, and I feel the darkness,
Embracing the black void again.
I reach into myself for the warmth of the light.
I feel the salty wet memories on my face.

Even the pain is  a glorious price for love.

I am a woman woman woman
Oozing stomach, uneven eyes
Bruised knees, giraffe neck
Wide forehead, apish lips
Bony scabby elbows, flabby weak arms
Gruesome feet, stubby toes
Uneven colored skin, ashen skin
Wispy pale skin, suitcases under the eyes
Blackened eyelids, alien ears
Oversized *****, **** too big for these jeans
Thunder thighs, fat calves
Wide nose, is my mustache obvious?
Flesh bleeds into soul
Carrying all these flaws becomes too cumbersome to bear
I pack all the things I can’t stand in a box
It will be my daughter who will sort through my remains
Here is where I couldn’t stand to look at
There lies what I was conditioned to unlike
It will then be her duty to carry my hurt along with her
Like an anchor

The raven strutted into view-
Dissembling crows
Peered from the tangled grass lashed
Into solemn silence.
The raven assumed a coal-black authority
Driven by its coal-black soul.
Its beak stabbed out automatically
Bleakness of past; spectral futures
Like echoes. Its eyes were cruel drops
Of impenetrable night.
The raven possessed everything in
The imperious manner of a cut-throat-
Killing without fear, without conscience.
It ruled like the destroyer.

Friday night
I went to my first college party
My body already ached from the long walk
but I wasn't discouraged
I needed to see what it was like
My first college party
thrown by the black student union
you **** right it was lit
and I hate trap music
i stood around the edges
watching
smiling
started bobbing my head to the sounds
that usually makes me frown
but I saw their smiles
my beautiful people
and their joy became mine
each song that came on
their excitement became mine
I found myself edging closer
their energy intoxicating
my friend found me briefly before disappearing into the mass once more
I was close enough for random girls
to hold onto me
as they danced for dear life
on their friends
their lovers
their crushes
whomever it was latched onto their hips
they danced
guys forming circles with their friends
dancing in sync
they bounced in close
before exploding away from each other
and I realized that they resembled a heartbeat
I was standing in the center
gently swaying because I didn't want to miss a thing
my body was weeping from standing for so long
but I couldn't stay away
I found my friend
and we swayed
I was being thrown
every which way
and held in place
just to be thrown again
and their energy became mine
I didn't know these songs
but it didn't stop me from smiling
from laughing
our bodies crashed into one
beautiful black being
I dreaded the walk back
it seemed longer
until a beautifully gay black boy
wrapped his energy around me
"this is a no child left behind campus baby we move in packs!"
shouted for his friends
and they waited
didn't know me from atom
but every time I lagged behind
they waited
we laughed as we walked
more people came
and we moved in packs
I saw a boy from high school
who was so excited to see me
thought I don't think he remembered my name
doesn't matter
I change it like the passing seasons
that Friday night
I went to my first college party
and witnessed black boy joy firsthand
I basked in the black girl magic up close and personal
and we moved like packs
throughout the night
this is the first poem I've written
that didn't have metaphors only I would understand
I wrote a poem
this poem
for me and everyone like me
who found their way back home
into the arms of their pack

The stars begin to fall,
Through the darkness of my mind.
With quiet whispered calls,
Only chaos will they find.

Here colours swirl in time,
To the madness found within.
They start to flow and rhyme,
Until anxiety begins.

A crushing, pulsing weight,
Is baring down on me.
An overwhelming hate,
Of what has come to be.

I long for something more,
Then blackness and decay.
To find an open door,
And float my fears away.

My dreams are full of lies,
Full of vile thoughts that bleed.
They dance before my eyes,
And on my anger they do feed.

I wish for brighter days,
For a glow within my heart.
But this void forever stays,
And it tears my soul apart.

Pain is roaring in my skull,
Full of waves of raging fire.
It keeps my senses dull,
So my will begins to tire.

Exhausted from the fight,
From this battle in my mind.
I am lost without the light,
And my sanity unwinds.