Tonight my mom is having a manic episode just like I do.
Passed down from generation to generation is a shadow , a void deep within our minds.
I feel ill and twisted. Like the vines growing in my veins , growing thicker and begging to burst. Just so dark crimson can run down my arms , my legs , my eyes. Fading into black and growing thinner. Falling onto dimly lit tiles and rising up as dark smoke.
I am suffocated by my thoughts that are slowly blending into real life. Like paint that is every color of the rainbow being swirled together until it turns sickly green brown, like my eyes.
I admire an iris that hasn't been tainted like mine , diluted , dripping. Eyes that haven't seen what I have as a little hopeless child. A happy child , a sad child , a broken child. It was too real. Too bright and blinding to be nothing.
Shining into my pupils , traveling into my soul, reflecting my being for the world to see. I am ashamed.
I was weak, I am weak. I am sorry mom and dad. That your pain has made me and not your joy.
A product of dark memories and buried thoughts. I tried to hide it, so I wouldn't become worse.
I can't ever promise I will love myself and who I let myself become. The scars have burned too deep; but I will always love you.

My fingers itch
My palms sweat
Salivia slithers
And slides down
My throat
My legs twitch
As your hands hover
Over my love handles
Your skin
Caresses carelessly
And I clench my hands
My stomach stays still
Empty from the epitome of
Butterflies that should
Exist there
Instead my brain urges
The idea
Maybe the nagging numbness that never
Negotiates will navigate somewhere else
Maybe I might feel funny, fantastic,
Or furious
Your hands trace circles
On my ******* bringing a trail
Of goose bumps
Yet I feel nothing
The numbness never seems
To end

Anxiety is a monster
Inside my mind
Its claws scrape my skin.
It tongue traces my
Clock and rewinds
Its red eyes glow
When I grin
Makes me wonder
Who I am?
When it’s angry
I aspire to change
My body vibrates
Like a crashing wave.
My nails
Nip and pick
My head spins
My hands are in my hair
Pulling from the stems.
Anxiety you are a beast
You live inside me
Burrowing deep enough that
You are a part of me
You are the roots and I am the tree.

I was not supposed to get this far;
I should not breathe this air.
I'm riding a wave of borrowed time
I don't believe is fair.

I'm older and wiser
and fatter and poorer
and I'm burning my fuse
at both ends

But tomorrow I'll wake up
and put on my make up
And try not to let down my friends.

take a look at the first thing next to you
now imagine it but a hundred times brighter (all the time)
if life is a glass of water sometimes i wake up and it's filled with caffeine instead
to keep me running faster than i want it to
there always has been a spark in my eyes that wasn't natural
no one's quite sure where it's from but i used to think it was a superpower
i used to think not sleeping for days was a superpower too
it can be scary if you feel like a puppet that's forced to kick and hurt and attack
it can be scary if you can't make yourself stop
it can be scary if fun isn't fun anymore but danger
it can be scary when you're fragile
it's like a bubble in which there are no boundaries
the world has no boundaries there's only me and my ideas
and i seem to be way better than i'm supposed to
how can you stop when there's so much left to do?
(even if afterwards it won't be)
the world is bright and colorful now but it can go back to greys anytime
it won't go to neutral colors (it never does)
you can't shut it down if the "it" is you, if the "it" is what you're up against
if the "it" is constanly challenging you to go faster better faster faster faster
"it" is so fragile if you stop it for a moment there may be no coming back
there are so many fun things intense things death can be just one of them if you don't control "it" soon enough

when caitlin snow first got her powers in flashpoint she had to stop them
i always had a superpower and it will always have to be stopped

take a look at yourself in the mirror
now imagine yourself but a hundred times brighter (all the time)
if i'm a good person sometimes i wake up and i'm a goddess instead
(what can i be if not godlike if it feels like there's nothing that could possibly stop me?)
there's always been times when i felt like i left my old self to come back stronger and happier
i don't know if there's a happy because every single time i felt truly happy it was an illusion that doctors called "a chemical imbalance"
if i can dress up and be a new me who can dress like this who can do this
but if you'd stopped me i could be angry
(i don't know an angry me, i always forget her)
so i have a calm kind of angry-an angry where no one and nothing else can be touched or hurt but i can
when i was confused about sexuality websites were calling it "hypersexuality"
it can only be a superpower if i see lights and flashes others don't
it can only be a superpower if people i'm in love with have a halo over them
it can only be a superpower if i seem to stop the cars around me when i run through the street
if someone whispered "high risk, too impulsive" i thought fun and passion
the thoughts going through my mind always seem amazing
and i wonder if the people who've written the bible felt like this
if they did, i'm happy for them
i can never forgive myself for things i've done
(not sins, i'm too envious of people who are faithful)
but i guess it's not, not if there's a spark in my eye that can disappear, only on certain conditions

one of the last things on the wikipedia page for bipolar disorder
are the suicide statistics

my heart is empty and my mind won't shut up, it keeps repeating a mantra " you're not good enough, die. you're not good enough, die. you're not good enough, die. " every part of my body aches just to drag my feet out of my bed and i am freezing cold under the sunlight. i feel like i am in a crowd of people and everything around me is moving at the speed of light but i am stuck in one place, unable to move. everyone keeps moving and i am screaming but no one will stop to listen. i am drowning in a sea of people, i am suffocating. the voices won't shut up. i beg for them to leave me alone, just for a day - i say. i hear the laughter in my head and it's true - i will never be left alone. i reach for the blades and i hear my parents ask " will you ever stop hurting yourself? " " why are you cutting yourself? " - BUT MUM I AM ADDICTED TO THIS PAIN. i don't want the alcohol, i don't want the cigarettes. i want to watch myself bleed to death - i want to be in a coffin. my mood jumps suddenly. suddenly i am the happiest person in the entire ******* universe. everything is funnier and i laugh at the stupidest things. someone trips over and jesus it's like i've never seen someone fall. my books drop and it's like i haven't heard a sound like that in my life. my sister laughs and it's like i haven't seen her in 2 years. then the voices come back and i forget who i am. i am so sad and i scream at everyone around me. my heart is empty and i am worthless. my existence is purposeless and these antidepressants make me even more worthless. my fingers are freezing and the voices get louder. my blade runs back and forth and my mum says these scars aren't going to fade, ever. but mum, i don't really care because i don't even know if i want to be alive tomorrow. " i want to see you get out of it"  but mum, i was never given a choice. depression ****** my soul like a vacuum cleaner and anxiety followed because it was her best friend. bipolar disorder then followed because three is a charm? feeling like dying isn't a way to live and i am so tired. i honestly am so tired. i am tired of hating myself, i am tired of starving myself because i feel so ugly. i am tired of binge eating and then throwing up at 12 am because that's how ****** it feels like to be upset. i am so sick of this void inside of my body that jusT WONT LEAVE ME ALONE

Today was my cousin Joe's birthday, but I think of him more as an uncle considering he's closer to my dad's age than mine, that's besides the point of this, though. I haven't seen him or talked to him in 5 to 6 years due to  his mental conditions. The past 10 years or so have consisted of a lot of ups and downs for him. I can't remember when exactly it was, but it was fairly recent, that he was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Schizophrenia. When I had found this out, I was probably a pre teen and I didn't fully understand what this meant, but I do remember feeling a punch to my chest. Joe was my best friend when I was child and he was a vital part how growing up went for me. I always looked forward to holidays and family gatherings because I knew he'd be there and we'd get to spend time together and share laughs. When he was diagnosed, he was no longer around... He needed to get help and as sad as that made me, I knew it was for the best. Today was his birthday, today I called him meaning it'd be the first time we had talked in almost six years. I could tell he wasn't the same man he was when I was a child, but that didn't make a difference, I was just happy to hear his voice. He hadn't realized I had already graduated high school or that I was on my first year of college or that my sister had a baby. At certain points in the conversation, he had called me by my sister's name, but I knew I shouldn't take it personally, I knew he knew that it was me he was speaking to. He had said my voice was calm and that I sounded just like my father, I never thought that was something I would be happy to hear. When the circumstances aren't what they once were, you come to appreciate what you get. You appreciate the little things because the big things are no longer something you can experience. How can you possibly make up the time  loss in six years through a sixteen minute phone call? You can't, but I sure as hell did try. I never realized how much I had changed in those years until he had picked up the phone. I realized I wasn't the same little girl and I didn't have the same dreams I had that time in my life. He was different, too. Not the golly man he once was. He hadn't lost the light that kept him going though and I think that's really important to consider. Mental illnesses are always going to be mental illnesses, but what is important is you don't let them win. You don't realize how significant a person's mental health is to their well being until you see the mental health of someone you love spiraling down at a fast speed, potentially taking them away at any moment. You're not your mental illnesses, you'll always be my best friend. "I love you, kid." "I love you, too." That's what was said before I clicked the end button on my iPhone.