Thoughts race like lyrical melodies.
Repeating themselves like a chorus.
He can’t take the incessant chattering.
The yes, no, please make it stop of it all.

It’s too much to handle.
Handle, like he’s riding a bike with the handles disconnected.
A wall in front of him, no way to steer.
No way to brake.
Can’t get it to stop.

Here comes the verse again,
“You will hurt those you love.
You will hurt those you love
You will hurt those you love
You have hurt those you had loved.”

The verse came in,
“Attention-deficit with hyperactivity, anxious, obsessive-compulsive,
Insomniac, bipolar, with substance dependency.
A basket case with narcissistic traits, but the self-esteem that makes him drown while everyone else floats."

Stated in the order of chronological diagnosis.
Each a bookend to a chapter of his life.
Collecting disorders like pokemon cards.
Being the worst there ever was.

When everyone has abandoned me,
my shadow laid there next to me,
and it whispered “let’s go home”

And when my poems
turned into suicide notes,
I sharpened the knife,
and put it on my pillow
to sing me to sleep

A bottle of pills with
my full name on it
White and motherly,
I heard them call my
name from a distance

I swallowed the pills,
I swallowed the knife,
my shadow swallowed me

I am finally home

My happiest moments
were always the ones
where I’m closest to death

My head is always howling,
so I never sleep,
I keep on listening

I can feel the cogs in my brain getting loose again,
Not quite fitting -
not quite spinning in time,
Spitting sparks that fly, ignite and burn
Bringing light to dark corners and melting locks that keep the past in its box.
I pandora, so out of time,
moving towards
and away from you
As I find my feet dancing in complex rhythms
Driven by the drums of my demons that have learnt to remove their muzzles and sing
Do you see this vessel shake out of tune?
Do you feel the tremors that set muscles moving to the moments of memory?
There is a girl that wants you to notice and wrap her up
There is a girl that wants you to notice and give her up
There is a girl that hopes you never notice something is up
In my head again,
Upheaved
I can't quite sit still again,
can't quite smile straight again.
can't quite sleep right again
so these pills sit tight on my tongue again
Blue like my blood that calls out for more
Blue like the bruises only my eyes still see
Blue like the unsafe flame our science teacher warned us of,
This blue has become apart of the essence of me
Hot, I flicker in shades of the ocean,
And blue flames flicker with violence
I move blue, I move blind,
With these waves in my mind
That crash hard
And lap slow.
I can only apologise for the temper of my tides
This sea is angry still, sad still, yet loves you still.
I pray ur boat sails strong.

A beautiful girl with a broken smile
Everything she touched turned into life
She cared for her loved ones
And she cared for her friends
But in return all she got was pain

Her beauty so vibrant
Her skin so pale
Nobody understood
What’s her pain

She wandered around
In search of a light
But all she got was darkness
Which kept killing her until she died

Naked and so very cold on the floor,
Lost in the volatility of my emotions,
Consumed by the forest of my thoughts.
How I long for the solace of sleep,
If only the medicine would kick in,
Pulsing through my veins for the last
Weary bit of my mania,
Attempting to reduce the heat under my overflowing ***.
Dying feels like a release from this hell,
An in between of too much and not enough.
With a coin in bipolar coffer,
My soul springs free,
But I have already given so much.
I do not travel there,
Near the edge,
For I am so excited by possibilities,
But my chest aches with the sadness of this cycle.
I miss me.
If only I could find her.

It’s a light touch
Because I didn’t sleep.
I’m like a fairy on my feet,
Buzzing as I run these halls.
Try and keep up as I speak.
And they always told me
What goes up, it must come down,
But I just note the world
Endlessly goes round and round,
And please don’t call me
Back from this ledge, from the edge, this epiphany.
Mania is like all the world shone a light inside of me.
It’s too bright.
I try to close my eyes but it’s too bright.
Someone say the party’s over.
Send the voices home.
I don’t like the way they sound.
I’ll be better
6 to 21 days from now.