if you were to ask me right now if i still loved you i would not be able to answer everyone who has asked me to this point has gotten the same answer i don't know maybe i do but in a different way i have no time to really assess if i still do
you'd think after a few years declaring to all the world that i don't anymore you'd think that i mean it that i am sure now of what i say but there are moments that i question myself is everything i've denied actually true?
there are days that i silently wish hundreds of thoughts rushing to try to become the one i deem best scenes i could probably write but deny myself the chance to i might never fully admit it but there are so many things that i want to tell you about like how my day went and interesting facts i found and that funny thing that happened like how some people stress me out and how i'm almost always angry and the feeling that my heart is giving out like how i miss you but i know that i can't keep a conversation going like how i want to cling while i'm also stepping away
and on those days i understand that what i want to talk about is mildly intriguing barely enough to last more than an hour at best that we are both busy and too preoccupied with other matters almost drowning in a sea of responsibilities we cannot abandon that some things are better kept to myself because i know that they are of no importance to you and sometimes i fear that you feel the same way about me
there are days that i want to keep trying i have no idea where that could take me if any of it is worth my time and my exhaustion but i still try still rack my brain for anything to say still try to find common ground when already we are bored of each other still stay up to talk even as my body groans in protest still support the things that you do and the choices that you make still understand why you shut me out when all i ever did was let you in still try to arrange meetings just for us so we can at least converse without the distance
and on those days i don't get much i try to make excuses for it but i'm starting to lose ways to go around them because no matter how many times i try i find myself bearing more weight than you do i have learned to know when to stop initiating conversation i have learned that we are more different than we made out to be i have learned that i stay up far too late for a reply that will never come i have learned that my support isn't what you are looking for i have learned that you will never let me in i have learned that i will be waiting for nothing in the agreed meeting places
there are days that i want to cave in i want to tell you of my hurt and hope that you can comfort me tell you about how hard it is to breathe sometimes tell you about the burden i should stop pretending i could tolerate tell you about the how it's gotten worse these past few months tell you about how i need something, someone to cling to tell you about how there are hard weeks that make me want to be held for a long time
and on those days i close myself to the world choosing not to tell you any of that choosing not to tell anyone that because everyone else will worry fuss over me and try to convince me that things will be better because i know that you won't and i don't blame you i have been difficult and confusing and i seemed so intent on not healing but it would have been nice to know that you will be there for me trying to, at least
there are days that i want to forget completely put in the past and never remember but they always haunt me always try to remind me of what was done like how you forget everything until the very last minute like how you put certain things before me time after time like how i let you choose even when it hurt me
and on those days i knew how to accept i will always forgive even with the lack of an apology because who am i really to you? who am i to demand attention, to demand time? i have no right to it, that much i know so i forgive again and again always having hope for the next time around trying to drown out the voices that say that i am little more to you than something occasionally important
because i know that it isn't true you can still remember little facts about me even when i've forgotten that i ever told you you can still see me in so many things that you always bring them up to me you can still stand by me as i make decisions that are particularly hard you can still talk to me despite the rift i caused you can still say that you are immensely proud of who i've become
and sometimes, i think you you, who fought to save us, save what remnants of what we used to have you, who never hesitated to tell me i was important whenever i doubted it you, who would surprise me with small gestures that i would remember weeks after you, who found my stories amusing when very few others did you, who would read everything i wrote and believed in me more than i could
and sometimes, i remember that i would probably go to the ends of the world to find someone who can be there for you listen to you and understand you and remind you to rest support you and give you feedback and get you smiling as much as possible someone to know all the little quirks and all the things that make you who you are someone to stay unlike the others who left i remember that they asked why i wanted to do that when i could be that for you i remember answering that there are things i cannot be for you and that there are things you cannot be for me i remember saying that you will always be that light i want to protect for you may surround yourself in shadow but i know of the flicker in you
and there are things that i can never be sure about like the best times to talk or how to predict reactions from you but i am sure of one thing, at least i am sure that i will keep you and that i will try to make what we have better than what it is now
i still don't have a clear answer for the question and i guess i will never have one for now, i hope that all i've said will be enough.
I wanted to believe you. I wanted to believe all the lies you told me. I knew you were lying. I knew from the beginning it was all just a game. But yet every time you whispered, Whispered into my ear how beautiful I am, I believed. Believed more than the last That someone like you Could ever care about me. But now I know. I don’t mean anything To you. I never did. Nor ever will.
They tell you there's a light at the end of the road They tell you there's a life for all those they've told
They told me I'd be alright, all I had to do was breathe But I've been breathing since the day I was born And I can tell you it hasn't kept me "fine"
They tell you I'm crazy, They tell you I'm lazy, but what they don't tell you is how I struggle to get out of bed what they don't tell you is how close to death I've been what they don't tell you is how strong I am.
They told me it happens all the time, they told me soon the sun will shine they told me many things that were all lies. What they didn't tell me was that I was crazy, that I was lazy, Because what they told me was I would be fine.
But all they've done is make me crazy, make me mad and desperate for relief from shame shame that I shouldn't have for needing help shame that I shouldn't have for bleeding out shame that I shouldn't have for opening up but it is a shame that I bear because they told you I was crazy and they told you I was shady.
I'm just me. And I'm having trouble being that today. So please don't tell me that I'm crazy, because I'm actually quite nice I'm actually quite fun. If you'd bothered to get to know me you would have known all this stuff. But you didn't. Because you believed them when they told you I was crazy.
You swore you cared, I dared to believe you. How could I not? Your eyes twinkled too bright. I let you get to me, I wasn't ready to be hit with what was coming. I assured myself it wouldn't happen, we could find a way to stop it. You were the one I trusted, when my gut is the one that should be believed. How Careless To Have Cared So Much You swore you cared, I dared to think it to be truth. "You deserve better," everyone screamed so loudly my ears could bleed. I could have listened, took their advice and kept my heart to me. One day too soon, I saw what I knew but never wanted to actually see. Never again did I trust, yet my careless care has been placed in better hearts.