Tolerance seems kind;
guised, it's apathy malign,
silently we pine.

Sadness and numbness collide
It feels like too much and I'm not alright
I can tell something's wrong inside
If it weren't so hard I'd give up on this fight
A piece of me wants to get better
Other parts just want my demise
So back and forth my mood tremors
So many thoughts that they all sound like lies
I'm too anxious to even discuss it
Too many choices I make make it worse
The doctors say drugs do not help this
But this bottle's relief and a curse
It's so hard to complain since I know that
My own actions add weight to this burden
I crave an escape but I forget
Not even those will stop this hurting

It was hot today.
I sweat putrid droplets of misery.
Everyone around me could smell it -
   apathy, fear, and disgust;
   otherness.
I wish that I didn’t have to speak at all.

It rained,
   but I wasn’t washed clean.
I went to the bathroom.
I couldn’t stay there,
   so I tried blotting them off with a paper
   towel.
They stubbornly clung to my surface like oil.

I joined the others.
We went back to the crowd.
I waited for the music to wash over me, but I felt nothing.

You speak of change constantly.
Like Flux capacitors are sold in stores.
Trying to mend past and future selves.
Trusting that they might collide on a single scope.
And STOP.
Is this pleasing.
Easing into planned mediocrity.
Dancing to tunes with broken strings.
Laughing at hardship.
Hoping it's seen as resilience.
Then wake to cold sweat in the night.
Running from a dreamscape.
To escape.
But still commemorate thought.
Making the real.
Less.
Than..
...
I step on forgotten land mines.
In my mind.
Creating a backdraft of emotion.
Spent years putting out these flames.
And even longer letting the brush burn.
Is control then the illusion.
Or am I just.
Constantly.
Waking.

I choose detachment;
Excitement brings more distress,
It never brings peace.

Giving you my love was easier
When I had love to give
Now I'm echoing the sentiments
Of moments long since lived

And I promised you the moon
I know that I did
But lately the stars have been so blinding
And I simply just exist

Among the shadows that befell us
On a night more dark than this
You point out a shooting star
It must have been one that I missed