कहिलेकाहीं -
कविता लेख्न मनलाग्छ
देशभक्तिको गीत लेख्न मनलाग्छ।

अनि लेख्न बस्छु...
तिम्रो -
मुहार सम्झिन्छु
देशको मायाले -
तिमीलाई छोडेको पल सम्झिन्छु
अनि अल्मलिन्छु...
लेख्न छोड्छु

मेरो देशप्रेम पनि अपुरो अपुरो लाग्न थाल्छ!
मेरो प्रेम पनि अपुरो अपुरो लाग्न थाल्छ!

‍-------काग----
कागले नदेखेको गाउँ छैन
काग नपुगेको ठाउँ छैन
पाताल देखि इन्द्रलोक सम्म
धर्ती देखि यम लोक सम्म
सबैको खवर ल्याउँछ
सबैलाई खवर पुर्याउँछ
कर्म बन्धनमा रमेर बिर्सन्छ आफ्नै घरबार
यहीं महिमाको लागि काग बनेको छ
हर घरमा पहिलो गासंको हकदार
----------------------------------------
ह्याप्पी काग तिहार
----------------------------------------

--------कुकुर----­--------
बलशाली हात्ती होला
चतुर बाँदर होला
बहादुर सिंघ गज्रिएला
सुन्दर मृग नाच्ला
तर एउटा गुण अलग थियो
र कुकुर प्यारो भयो
किनकी इमान थियो
----------------------------------------
ह्याप्पी कुकुर तिहार
-----------------------------------------


-----------लक्ष­्मी------------------------
सम्पतिले मानिस धनी भएन
मनले मानिस गुणी भएन
एउटा चेतना चाहिने रहेछ
एउटा आत्मबोध हुनु पर्छ
पुजा गर्नु दुई हात जोडेर
तर मनभित्र चिहाउनु अनि
सोध्नु देवीलाई - माता के मसँग
छ त त्यो चेतना?
जसले मेरो मनमा गुण भर्नसक्छ
जसले मेरो सम्पतिमा धन भर्न सक्छ?
जय माता लक्ष्मी
-------------------------------------------
ह्यप्पी लक्ष्मी पुजा
-------------------------------------------

-------ग्रहण---­---------------
ग्रहण सूर्यमा लाग्छ
दोष राशीमा लाग्छ
चोख्याउनु पर्ने भयो नजर
अनि पो घैटोमा घाम लाग्छ

कागले नदेखेको गाउँ छैन
काग नपुगेको ठाउँ छैन
पाताल देखि इन्द्रलोक सम्म
धर्ती देखि यम लोक सम्म
सबैको खवर ल्याउँछ
सबैलाई खवर पुर्याउँछ
कर्म बन्धनमा रमेर बिर्सन्छ आफ्नै घरबार
यहीं महिमाको लागि काग बनेको छ
हर घरमा पहिलो गासंको हकदार
ह्याप्पी काग तिहार

थिएन होला नि मन त
कति गर्हुंगो भइ होलान् हात हरू
पसिना कति बगे होला चित चित
सास कति फुले होला
मुटु कति पोल्यो हो।।

देखिए जति पनि त सजिलो छैन
----- ढांट्न , कुराहरू मोड्न
अरुले पो पचाइदिन्छन्
आफै सगँ त सकिन्न नि ।।

लाज त अब बाकी नै भएन छोप्न
तर पनि ठिकै छ
गतिलै गुण लगाउनुभयो
आरामै हुनुहोला भन्ने आशा राख्दछु
जिन्दगीमा आटेको पुगोस्
भगवान् सधै दाहिना नै होस।

कहिले नपरोस हातमा किरा
कहिले नहोस कुकर्महरू सम्झेर
मनमा पिडा
कहिले गर्न नपरोस पश्चाताप
फेरी त्यो पनि नाटक नै सम्झिने
अब हुने छैन कम

सबै जित्दा जित्दै पनि
विश्वास चाहीँ ...
हुन त ठगको व्यापारै विश्वासको

I
am not feeling
creative
in my
comfort zone

मन~ सुन

कहिले काहीँ तहल्न निस्कदा
दिन भरी पानी पर्दा
उर्लेको हनुमन्ते झैं
एकान्तमा बसेर चियासगैं
तिम्रो यादहरूमा तड्पिन
मन लागेझै लागेझै गर्दा
मन अझ शून्य शुन्य भइदिने
मन ~ सुनको दिन।।

अरूबेला लिखुरे देखिने
र आज
सारा धर्ती बगाउझै गरेको
त्यो लिखुरे हनुमन्तेको
छेउमा गएर
मनको सारा भावना बगाईदे न
भन्न लागेझै लागेझै गर्दा
मन यतिकै यतिकै
शून्य शुन्य भइदिएको
मन ~ सुनको दिन।।

तिमीले पनि मलाई
सम्झेको छौं कि जस्तो
लाग्छ।
र त्यही सम्झनामा
बगेका आशूंहरू पो
हुन् कि
मेरो घरको छतमा आएर
मलाई कविता लेखुझै लुखुझै
बनाउंदा
मन पुरै शून्य शून्य भएर अल्मलिने
मन ~सुनको दिन।

बादलमा लेखेको नामले त
वर्षातमा यादले भिझाउने रहेछ
र
मनमा लेखेको नामले चाहीँ
बेला बखतमा
मन व्यग्र व्यग्र बनाई
शून्यताले भिजाउने रहेछ

मन ~सुनले बेइमानी गर्यो
जिन्दगीमा
या हो प्रेमले...

के छ र बाकीँ
चाहन- यो मनसगँ
...
दिन पनि त
होस् न केही
सोच्थे सधैं यहीँ
र
राखे मन बांधेर
.
.
.
जबसम्म
तिमी-
ठोकिन आइनौं
.
.
.
मन बाधेर त
झन् खुम्चिने रहेछ
मन त
फुकाए पो
अझ पाइने रहेछ


तिमी ठोकियौ
र फेरी चर्केको यो मन
संगालिएको छ
नत्र अझै कति
कसेर बाध्थे होला
झह कति छिया छिया
पार्थे होला
मन त
फुकाए पो
अझ समालिने रहेछ

Nowhere to go
Sad and lost
Brown little fox

Past is delusional
Futures are misleading
But we have dreams
We have hopes
Belief is there and I-
I believe in you

Carry me home
To the place where I am child
And you are my heart
I cannot say anything more
I have nothing -
except this hope
That someday
You will carry me home
Where I am present
And so is my heart!

I feel shallow all the times
These days
I want to feel the depth
Everything's so easy and empty
I feel no desire for all the things
Around me

This morning I just felt like
Filling myself with poetry
Easy words
But high in intoxication

I am soon going to run to mountains
Soon shall I dip in the lake of grandeur
Smile at the vastness of creation
Fill me with sunshine

But today let me just enjoy the blandness of life
May be someday I will find meaning out of this too

Strange way how the life works
Or may be just I think a lot
Sometimes I just want to thank life
For all it has bestowed me with
And there are times like this
When I want to smother life
For one thing it didn't make happen

Chain reactions or desperations
Lots of wind has blown
Clouds dusted and cleared
Snow fell and flowed down the valley
And there is always one "you"
If only life was little kinder
....

Memories pinches like heart burns
Regrets are not the right thing now
I ruined my thoughts for someone else's
There is a shadow behind every laughter
There is fear under the blanket
There are thoughts that keeps me forgetting my present
Dragging me to the past
....
All I am writing this
Because only pen can relief me from all these

There is only a heart that gets broken and there are many hearts you break... Still you feel at loss!

तिमीसगँ बिताईएका थोरै पलहरू
कोपिला बन्दै सुस्तरी रमाउन खोजेका
प्रेमका स्वप्निल कल्पनाहरू
फूल्न नपाउदैँ
फूलाउन खोज्दा खोज्दै
पिटिक्क भाचेर तिमी हिड्यौँ।
तर सजिलै यो फूल औलाउन पाएन
मन विचित्रको हुँदो रहेछ
मनको किताबको पानाहरू बीच
जतन गरि राखेको त्यो कोपिला
आज फेरी सम्झनाको पाना पल्टिँदा
भेटिएको छ
मेटिएको छ कि केही थोरै तिम्रो माया भनि केलाउँदा कहिल्यै नऔलिने गरि बसेको पाए
अब सायद फूल त हुने छैन यही कोपिला
तर पनि रहर छ, अर्को फूल रोप्ने
त्यसै गरि, त्यसरी नै तिमी सँग
मायाको
पिटिक्कै भाचेरपनि नसुक्ने नऔलाउने
मखमलिको फूल जस्तै
जीवनमा किन खै
तिमी मात्रै यसरी मनपर्यो, म साच्चै बुझ्दिन

Here, now, I sit quiet thinking about
all the times
When like pendulum I was lost in crowds
and noises (like pendulum)
to and fro.
I replay recklessly the jobs that soaked me up and
the times of life living no life
How quickly we tend to forget the spaces above clouds
low on air but high on intoxication
The valleys hidden beyond horizon
The shrubs welcoming with berries amidst thorns
streams and brooks to displease your thirst
and the soft bed of moss and grasses
The no man land, the nature- full of hospitality

I must go there, the place that came searching for me
The place I have in my dreams
Let me walk out for a while
jumping off this walls we built
Lets go dancing to the sound of silence
Country roads, lead me there
Mountains are calling and I must go!

You don't like people only when they are nice to you. Sometimes nice is not enough. Sometimes, you need someone who can bring out the wildfire in you and in that wildfire is where you get to burn your self-deceit and reveal your true colour. That keeps your heart in calm at times and That's more nicer than nice.

You can be sure of one thing
I want to be in love with you.

But my love for you
shall not be ordinary
My love for you
might neither be extraordinary
somewhere in between
somewhere beyond both

My love for you is like my love for starry night.
I can't have it every night
But its all I want when I am looking at it.

Like rain that turns to snow for the love of mountains
Like snow that melts on the warmth of sun
I want to be in love with every inch of your existence
Even if it means losing my own

I want to love you the way I am in love with loneliness
Alone but fulfilling

I want to love you like the way I am in love with destiny
It keeps me moving forward forever

Have no doubt about my love for you
You are the sun I love ,
that shines the light out of my soul

Like moon can't have sun and  still dances on it light.
I want to be that moon with all my dark sides hidden by your light.

I want to be over mountains,
just to see you,
with no veil in between,
to have no clouds between us.

I will write your name over snow
knowing-- it will melt down as river
down the plains of valley
where flowers of your name will blossom

I want to love you the way bees are in love with flowers
Without one, both wouldn't exist.

I will close my eyes laying down on your thoughts.
And my love for you ,
I will let it blossom...

I want to be in love with you
like silence loves music
I want to vanish in you just like that.

Affection draws me to you
your every part and every moves
and shatters me to pieces
your hair that falls like lightening
sparkles with thunder on my darkest night
like routine, these days
and shatters my conscience
like all those trees falling
helplessly, grotesque and broken
constellations shines in your eyes
and in my eyes are phosphenes
of your images blurred by shadowy lights
floating down the drain of my brain through my heart
as i slowly lose what was once so dear to me
i fall miserably in the salty tears
unable to swim across the dimples that forms in your cheeks
when you smile
i try to stretch my lips from ear to ear
in vain
i am not under my control these days
i have forgotten to love me
since you declined all the love
i showered over  you
and that love now flows down the gutter
like monsoon rain
my once big bright enthusiasm now floats around
teasing me to despair
together with smokes of cigarettes i have just begun to smoke
i have been such a reckless lover
you have been always been the better one
my favourite lines of love poetry
which i seem to relate has turned to some
crazy language i can't understand
all those days i sought to hold your hands forever
i dreamt  you by my side
brought you all my life, i could't lose
i fed to you, affection so annoying
now life devalues day by day
you have been a chain
even with regret cannot be undone
i wash my hand time to time
unable to wash you from my heart
i turn back and look at you
splitting me away...
from morning to night
as i barely survive
residing on the corner.. dark..
waiting for lightning
thunders, flood... silently
extinguishing the light of my life
with the candle dying over the note
i used to write love poems with your name at the end
does it even sense

These days, I often wonder what possibly do I like about you
Your indifference makes me question
about everything  that I feel for you or I think I feel for you.

Loud Silence

The beating of my heart has changed suddenly
Breath become anxious
Past has gripped over my realm,
one more time
There has been time when
I wanted nothing of past
I can remember myself claiming
"All I live, I live for now"
I am naive. I fail to judge myself
Had only love been some algebra!
Take me home through this lonely road
The yearning beats inside me
the heartbeat like never before
Why in future we dream
How do we live for now
When time and again past haunts us
If only love had been some equations
I sit by the corner,
which each day totally feels new
with my friends laughing over drinks and chicks
and I, laughing over tragedies
The beating of my heart has changed aggressively
maddening the evening
If only a phone call would clear away some sentiments
I lose myself every time
I give up so easily these days
It feels like all my energy is being spent only to
guard that small dark chamber
you created for me
to hide all that you left behind
Why is sun not bright enough all the time
and why do moon shines keep me awake
All I drink I drink for you
To fight with the world, kick myself out of here
To helplessly laugh at these ruins that never fades away
but stays there silently
like some war memoir
Shall I be proud for keeping you alive in memories
While I kneel down with this loud silence beneath

For once I thought I lost you
I was sure , it's time to let go
you or love or sanity
I thought you shall
never occur again
and I was
wrong all the time
all this while

How can one be in love
and still doubt like this
may be ---
love never occurred, until
you were ready to leave
too late - to fall in love now
too late - to not

The raindrops fall over me as the flowers calls for spring
I watch at the tip of my nose; since how long
Since how long have I been staring, I know not
And I carry with my thoughts - your thoughts
I carry in my heart- your heart
You, Your tiny bits of memories
You, your heavy bits of silence
You, your sparse bits of words trying painfully to pull yourself away from me
And as I move backward
I get to see hollow sentiments
You see selfishness
How strange can love feel
How regretfully can these hearts fall apart
If only someone would give me anything
that could put my heart at ease
That would be the only thing you deny
Won't you love me too?
In this cold autumn rain, won't you take me home?
Will there ever be my heart that won't carry you

My number is blocked
I am restless
helpless
sleepless
I am already sober
Nothing worked
14 whatever
**** this ****
I can't even seem to make any sense
I can't write when I need it most
jdfkydymhfdkh

देशको आकार नहेर तिमी
छाप्रो नै होस् बरू
यहाँ सारा मन अटाउछ
आगँनको दुर्गन्धमा
तिमी मुख बिगार्लाउ
आमाले नै हो त्यो सफा गरिदिने
बुबाको पसिनामा नाक खुम्च्याउछौ भने
सम्झ, त्यही पसिनाले ले नै हो
तिम्रो भोक तार्ने

जब उदाउन छोड्नेछ सूर्य
तब घामको महानता हुन्छ ज्ञान
जब रोकिन थाल्दछ सास
तब हावाको मूल्य हुन्छ ज्ञान

देशको सिमाना कोर्ने रगत सम्झ
देश बनाउन कति घाम चाहिन्छ
राष्ट्रमा जीवन भर्ने ती योद्धा सम्झ
राष्ट्र जोगाउन कति सास चाहिन्छ

तिमी आज जात हेर
आफ्नो भेष भाषा हेर
तर एक पटक मन खोलेर हेर
त्यो सब जोगाउन कति ठुलो छत चाहिन्छ
माथिको त्यो आकाश हेर

पराईको तिमी हिरा भन्लाउ
आगँनको त्यो लालीगुरासँ हेर
हिराको चमक तिमी भन्लाउ
तर मन रमाउने सुगन्ध नभुल

छाप्रो नै नहोस् बरू
मन बिसाउने अरु काख हुन्न
आमालाई अत्याचार गर्ने
कदापी कहिल्यै सपूत हुन्न
दाजुभाइको हात हेर
घर जोगाउन अरु साथ हुन्न
त्यो छातीमा स्वाभिमान हेर
बुबाको जस्तो अरू आसिर्वाद हुन्न

I am always asked to
Stop it. Let go.
People are kind and open
at asking to do things
impossible, undesired
without leaving other options
I am asked to stop
Love, I wish I could
Love, I wish, I really do
I should have never
loved the one who would
try to block my fountain of joy
Love, I wish I could
After all, I owe you
You made my heart
do the best it could
feeling the worst it ever should
You made my heart jump in flames
You made my heart shrink in melancholy
You make my heart desire more of your denial
Love, I wish I could really
Stop loving you
I wish to let go
Love, once love was all I needed
now love is most uneasy conversation I have
Everytime they talk love
You make me realize
How bad
I am in it
love, if only I could
I think I should
erase all that carries you

Forever swirling down the abyss
I have watched and exclaimed at faces
To those smiles who bear love
Exposing everything that made ne
To those heart sparkling with affection
Forever and still, I keep watching
and I have been watching
Those bodies turning back at me
Those smiles fading away
How much more, I wonder,
is remained of my heart
Turned to ashes with every denial
How much longer,I wonder,
till those ashes turn to stone
Forever cursed to swirl down the abyss

For all those moments, I tried so hard
You make me feel... bad
For all those lack of words,
oh! beauty, beauty...
How weak can you turn these words
What new words should I create
To pronounce your marvel inside out
You make me feel so new
yet I can't blossom nor bloom
How deeper intensity should it beget
The one word- that can recreate your grace
Of time- history to future
Where do you belong...
Oh darling, my darling
You are my mystery island
And for all these questions unanswered
Through words...mere words; so incomplete and fragile
For all these emotions unsettled
love and deeper, yours and mine
You make me feel so goodly bad
Yet in silence, you make me whole
Delightful with sweeping flashbacks
And still I feel so bad
For every thought, I lose words to poem you
For every second, I seem to miss you
For every moment, I miss to respire you
For every chance, I fail to whisper "I love you"

She is no heaven
She brings no hell
A tender mess of earth
She smells of pure mud

Up at the sky, I look at myself
Burning inside with zillions stars
-Just to light her up
-Just to see her shine

She revolves in way
-such mystifying
Alluring with those twists,
swooshing her hair of curly forest
,eyes with reserved invitation
Refusing to shine on my lights

Its not mere coincidence
when stars fall on sky
Its me , my egos falling
its me, my gods getting high
its me, falling on my knees

pulled by desires of temptation
to smell the rain on mud
to get drowned in ocean of love
To whisper under her hair
close to her eyes
at her dimples
swirling round- dizzy and elated
With time stuck
all stars at brightest
moons lost
heaven crushed
hell forgotten
vanishing
anihilated
with breath that will take forever
I whisper words... to be forever true
aahhyi lloveee yyyyyu

I can say
I will be dying any moment from now
And so, my heart races
To meet all your expectation
To meet the stars and to bloom among flowers
To flow down the brooks and float over the ocean
My eyes blinded by flashbacks
Of childhood engulfed by adulthood
And love eclipsed with uncovered realities
Your broken chains of laughter
Like these soft spider webs
Entangles my conscience
And I wait to die
And my heart races
To meet all your expectations
Before I fall off
And you will call me no more

I have seen you wither
in the spring
When I was sweating
Or was it just me
drowning in my own feelings

I wanted the love we wanted
What did you want
Please tell me

Love waits to grow
And I wait to show
my heart bleeding

Will you just come back
and hold the pieces falling
apart
Should I fly to you
with the pieces falling
apart

Can love wait to grow
when the heart waits to stop
Can you wait some more
and hear me say good bye
But I will wait
sliding down the rainbows
Waiting for you to fall

Never get drenched in rain
when the sun is bright
behind clouds

मृत्यु अपसोचको विषय हो?!
हो , होईन - मलाई थाह भएन
न कहिले थाह हुनु जरुरी भयो
तर
मृत्युसँग जोडिएको एक जीवन
जून
आज मरणमा परिवर्तित भएको छ
र
जसको सासहिन लाशमाथी
आज
वामे सर्न सुरू गरेका छन्
अवचेतन चित्कारहरु
शहर र गाउँ भरी
थोक्किदै,
बज्रिदै,
घिस्रिदै,
लड्दै,
लत्रितै
न्यायको भिक्षा माग्दै
गुन्जिन्छन र पनि सुनिदैन...

त्यो
अपसोचको विषय हो!
हुनुपर्दछ!!!!!

सास -- सबैको रोकिन्छ कुनै दिन
तर जब सास फेर्दा फर्दै
झुन्दाईन्छन् प्राणहरू
र पनि
मर्दैन आहतहरू
त्यो पृथ्वीलोक होइन
नर्क हो,
हामी जीवितै नर्कमा यदि
बाच्नुपर्छ
भने
त्यो अपसोचको विषय
हो, हुनुपर्दछ!!!

There is this kind of time in everyone’s life. That was what I was told. I was also told I was peculiar in a nice way. But I am not going deep down all this time and peculiar thing and all. It is just that sometimes I feel so empty and I was also told that when you try to write something you should try your best to describe all sorts of stuffs so that the readers will get to know the kind of thing you are feeling. Like for now, the kind of empty I am feeling. Kind of funny though, who would want to know what I am feeling and on top of that who would want to know the kind of empty I was feeling. Anyway, I was feeling very empty yesterday and I am writing all this because I just thought it was pretty cool to feel empty, kind of, just like that. I am not being emotional and all but that is how it is, you like to feel sort of lonely, sad, happy or whatever at time, just like that. And when I driving on my bike, I speed it up to the most it can bear or most I can bear and twist and turn and run over other motor bikes and stuffs that are moving in the road in a kind of modest way but I know they are as ******* as I am. But hell with that, I don’t want to know if anyone is ******* or not. I can’t even think about the right word to replace the *******. But, you know what I mean. It’s kind of sad to find that everyone is *******. Then, that makes me madder and I speed up more. I start to rip apart my accelerator, literally. You know what literally mean, don’t you? It’s when you do something in a literal way just like when some lousy guy start acting out too corny while they say they will bring down the stars and moons for the girl they love.  To hell with love, love is the stupidest thing that will ever again happen to me and if that happens then I will crown myself with all kind of stupid crowns and be the king of stupid. But love was kind of good feeling too.  Anyway I just try not to end up breaking my neck when I am in bike. But you know then I just intently look at the something something that is coming towards me and then I feel like speeding up more and just encounter that innocent ***** face to face. Yeah, I mean it. I feel like pointing the direction of my bike right to that something something truck or stuffs that, just like you know when an archer aims. You know then, I also have this shrewd kind of look in my eyes, like I am dead serious about what I am going to do. Its fun when you know you won’t but you act like you will. Yeah, I just feel like heading right towards the something something and hit it right on its grotesque face with some silly stupid art. Then, can you imagine what will happen? I can see every ******* retards gathering around me. I am lying down with blood over everywhere. I can see pieces of my grand motor bike here and there. I can see the driver of that something getting out and trying to explain that I was the one who came directly into him as if I was attempting suicide. To hell with suicide. What kind of person does suicide. I can see traffic cops and medics and all. They are just trying to carry me to hospital. But I know I won’t want to go to hospital because hospitals make me sick. There are lots of sick and depressing people around. If they would want to take me anywhere then I would like them to take me to mountain top from where I could see a bluest lake  all the clear reflection of clouds and the greens and rainbows and butterflies and all those stuffs the poets from nature describe in their poem. But I know they are too busy for that. They are some stupid people who just want me to admit to hospital. Anyway, when they start to lift up, I just get off the stretcher and start laughing out loud. I will tell them that I am okay and its all my ****** series of imagination and show them that I don’t have wounds and all but they will just vanish. I keep laughing and laughing because then I could finally feel or imagine the pain that I will go through. The pain that will fill me up and I don’t feel empty anymore. That is the exact kind of empty I feel. But that is not enough, I am still on my bike. If you have lost me, I want to repeat all that happened was just a part of my imagination. I imagine stuffs a lot and I think they are cool when I imagine stuffs about dying and just waking up as if I am just taking nap and waking up. Is there anything like that rebirth or stuffs? Anyway, I am still on the bike. I speed up thinking all these things and then I make my way through a very narrow alley between two moving something trucks or buses and there… That is the right kind of empty that just got filled. You know it or not, when you speed up and make a narrow escape from between the moving trucks just closely to save your life. Man, I can feel the air move through my veins and I can see my heart flying out of my chest. Man, was that crazy? I ask to myself. To hell with it. I am still alive and breathing and I am not feeling empty anymore. But as I keep thinking, I just get so mad. I don’t know at what or at whom. Everything is so pale and depressing. I try to cheer myself up looking at the clouds and green trees and trying to think about witty lines that’s funny to me and all and all and them , all it just makes me so mad, just more depressing.

That right, I then stop my bike on the side rail and start thinking about writing about all these stuffs. Because I have this group of friends who kind of poem and stuff and they are pretty good too. I also poem and stuff sometime but nothing that I wrote ever became good. Because I can tell by reading them all that, the stuffs that come in paper are not everything I feel. Like if I have to use percentage to say how near they are to the amount I feel, it would be like ten percent or around. That is not much. Even the government value added tax is thirteen percent. I was trying to be funny but hell with that. I was just feeling empty and all and now I am on my bike stopped on the side of the huge highways where everything is moving. Its depressing to find out that everything is moving , everything around you and you are the only one stopping to look at them moving. If only there was someone who was there by your side to hold your hand and look at all these moving vehicles and the traffics and kids holding the hand of their mothers and fathers and uncles to cross the road safely and those dogs and oxen lying over the road.  To hell with it, if there was actually someone who would be by my side, I won’t be feeling empty and imagining crazy stuffs and stop my bike trying to write a poem out of it or something or anything just so I can be more cool showing my rad poem to the group of my circle who poems. Man, do I love that ? I can certainly make a good actor out of me if I play in a move but it just make me feel more sad and I don’t know why. I look around if I can find any teashop or anything. Just so, I could sit there and order a tea and stay sad and pale and then someone would come and ask me. Hey boy whats the matter with you? Then I would just ignore his question. People can be real nosy sometimes. I am just siiting here having tea and something man. Head off to you own way, I will tell that. Why would I tell me why I was sad anyway. I was thinking about a beautiful girl like an angel that we see in movies , beautiful like that when the word beautiful fails to describe the amount of beauty she has,  I was trying to imagine a situation when I am sipping over my tea sadly and then this angel comes over and ask me what is that making me look pale. She would say nice stuffs to me and man, do I fall in love again? Man… love is the silliest thing ever. You can have enough of it. I was just feeling empty because some girl told me that she doesn’t have anything for me. Even I didn’t have anything for her . But you know there are times when you actually fall in love like madly in love. It’s the same person everywhere, all around you. You can’t just stop thinking about her. But the one who said she has nothing for  me, she meant no feelings or loves that she can do to me. We met few times, two or three and she was nice and all. I was funny and all. But even I haven’t felt anything towards her. Now she is really beautiful with this hair and this long slender face that she has. And then you know it when you want to fall in love. I wanted to fall in love with her because she was exactly the type of the girl that people have to fall in love with. She was active and hardworking. She has a good smile and dimples too. Man, those dimples drive me crazy. I just feel like diving into those tiny little cheeks and then right into her heart. And on the top of that wavy curly hair, it can drive anyone mad. Well, it drove me mad and that is why I am trying to fall in love with her. But anyway she told me last night or sometime in past that she doesn’t feel like that. I want to tell her that even I don’t feel like that with her. But I don’t want to because that may just drive her away from me all more. But anyway I was just mad when she told me that. Not mad like psychologically but like emotionally. I was just trying to explain her that we should may be spend some time together and get to know each other and all because you know I was kind of trying to fall in love with her and wanted to know more about her and make a lover like impression on her and all but man, was she crazy or something? She just said she doesn’t want to. It just made me so mad that I started my bike , yeah after paying for tea and all. I speeded up again and I didn’t want to stop but I had to stop because of this stupid traffic signal but my legs were all dancing because I was anxious and all and I just wanted to cry for nothing. But I can’t cry because I don’t feel like and when you feel like crying you cant stop it anyway. Those stupid tears will just fall off. Then The traffic signal goes green and I speed up and want to race with someone and feel good by beating them. But then there are other bikes that goes ahead me and that makes me feel more sad and then I just so over the yellow side line and start driving like slug. Man, I am extreme. I can feel it. I try to think about writing all this when I go home but I know I wont because I have done this many time and I have never written anything. Its just like that.

Its just like that. You have all these stupid to intelligent ideas an stuffs when you are walking or on the bike but I never do anything. When I reach home, I change my dress start it all again. I start to become normal like nothing is wrong with me. It just drives me crazy.. everything is so wrong with me. I have to be somewhere is some other good job that I will enjoy and that also pays me pretty good so that I can enjoy and all. I also have to fall in love with this girl. I have to complete one of my research paper so that I can earn good reputation among these technical circle of mine. I have to pen down some good stuffs so that I can perform it loudly in front of everyone and then everyone would cheer for me and all. I will just act modest and bow down. I also have to meet some of these my school friends and all and have some crazy times with them mocking the professional life and all. I have to be with my family, go to temples and stuffs and pray and ask the god to help me focus in my pursuit, which I am not sure what that is so I also pray and ask the god to show me the  right path. Its easy to pray and all and just stay happy thinking god will do everything but hell with god. I also have to prepare for this test and I have to complete reading this book and man, I have so much to do. I can’t just waste my time just like this.  

**There are always enough stupid things to drain the best outof you and leave you in terrible vacancy.

गर्छन्! बादलले धाकेको अौँसीझैँ रित्ता
रित्ता वाचाहरू,
एक योगीले हरेक नव प्रभातमा साधना गरेसरी,
टोलाउँदै मेरा आखाँहरू
फैलिदै गएका भित्ताहरूमाँझ
क्करिदै गएको त्यो  एकलकाँटे सिलिङ्तिर।

सिलिङ्मा कोरिएका सपनाहरूको डायरी
पल्टाउने क्रममा
साउनको झरी सरी वर्षिने गर्दछन्
मनमा सजिएका अनेक रहरहरू
र बुन्न थाल्दछन् अदृष्य भोलीका
अस्थाई जीवन रेखाहरू

सास बिस्तारै फुल्ने गर्दछन्
हृदयलाई ढुक्क पार्दै
स्वप्न बगैंचा चहार्दै
म पुग्दछु एकान्तमा ती गल्लीहरू बीच,
जहाँ भोलीको सूर्योदय  पश्चात
फेरि हन्डर नखानु छ
एक नमिठो यात्रालाई विश्राम दिदै
म हर रात सपना सजाउछु
संकल्प सङ्गाल्छु, म यात्री बन्छु।।

हरेक बिहानको सुरुवात सगैँ
फेरि
त्यो पल्लो घरको भाले भुक्न थाल्छ
गल्लीका भुस्याहरू मेरा सपनाहरू लुछ्न खोज्छन्
खाल्डो बीच हराएको काठमाडौंको सडकमा म यात्री नभई बौलाहा बनेर भौतारिन्छु,
म यो जीवनको अतिथी
वर्षातमा हिलोले पोतिन्छु
अरू दिन मैलोले लेपिन्छु
बस् चल्दो हो त ... तर दोष कसलाई दिऊँ
यो साधुहरूको देशमा?
आफ्नो हिलो पखाल्नै पर्ने हुन्छ
मैलो मेटाउनै पर्ने हुन्छ
यसै साथ,
म हर साझँ सङ्कल्प र सपनाको सङ्ग्रह बाग्मतिमा सेलाउने गर्दछु
राती सिलिङ अझै क्करिएको पाउछु
भित्ताहरू टाढिएका हुन्छन्
फ्ल्यासब्याकमा अनन्तसम्म एकै दिन दोहरिन्छ
तरपनि हरेक रात सास फुलाउदै
गर्छन् ! सिमलीको भुवासरी उडी बिलाउने वाचाहरू
मेरो खोक्रिदै गएको मन,
टोलाउदै
क्करिदै च्याउरिएका रित्ताे सिलिङतिर
रुझ्दै
सपना र सङ्कल्पको वर्षातमा
थाम्दै
मक्किएका हिम्मतका जगहरू
फगत एक फ्ल्यासब्याकको निम्ति
अनि सायद बहार बोक्ने
भोलीको निम्ति

दीपको उज्यालोमा अधेरीको हुरी चलेको क्षण
लाग्छ एउटा आशाको समाप्ति लेखिदैछ
हातमा लागेको चोटको बदला आत्माले भोग्दैछ
तरपनि अधेरीकै बानी पर्न शुरू हुदैछ
दीपको शिखामा अतीत जलेको उन्माद चल्दैछ मनमा
बिहानीको शीत सहने अब सास बाकी छैन न रहर
म मरेको नाटक गर्न चाहन्छु
कृपया तिमी मलाई माया गरेको अभिनय गरिदिनु
म मर्दा तिमीलाई पीडा भएसरी आँसु बहाईदिनु
अनि जब म नाटकबाट थाकेर फेरी होसमा आउनेछु
तिमी मलाई सुनाउनु, कति असह्य पीडा थियो म मर्दाको क्षण
अनि भन्नू " अब कहिले नमर्नु"
म सोचमग्न भई फेरि त्यो दीपमा टोलाउन थाल्नेछु
सोच्दै यदी साच्चिकै यो दीपमा तेल सकेर
मलाई अधेरीले निल्यो भने...
तिमी बिलाईसकेकी छ्यौ
मलाई पनि निले, ...
म विचार गर्न थाल्छु

एउटा आशाको पालुवा पलाउदैछ

तिमी र म बीच केवल दुरी
केवल दीपको उजेलीको॥

Lack of sound is not silence
I have felt silence of kinds

I remember those days,
everytime I close my eyes-
We forced the voice out of lungs
We pretended to talk over things
We pretended to care the words;
words that promised us the future that would glitter among stars;
words that caressed the wounds that was infected by same;
words that just dropped and shattered with silence;
a dreadful silence-
A silence that just pierced our soul
filling us with more void.
Silence screeching and screaming breaking us apart inch by inch
until we finally lost all words fueling the void,
the dreadful silence

Today, I sit by the bank of the river
which drowned me with dreadful silence.
I wonder was there ever a boat that carried us both
or was it just a pieces of logs we held onto
the logs we believed so hard, so blindly
that someday they will turn into our boat of love
safely carrying us ,together, to our home.
I see you are here, as well.
Safer than ever.
Our hands don't hold together anymore.
Our voice has nothing more to say.
Even as we walk past each other
Our eyes hardly blink at each other.
I have known silence of kinds
This one is of better kind
I can calmly look at my open palms
without fearing to lose you...

I just gaze intently and sigh!

Time will demean you
Time will felicitate you
There was once
A little boy
who dreamt of being a star
that shone brighter than the moon
He loved his days when he could play
hide and seek, all evening long
Later lying over green grasses
letting his life to recollect
The tree under which he use to lie
with branches, where he used to swing
is no more.
His dreams of star brighter than moon-
moon was never brighter than star.

There was a boy once
who was stupid with all his freedom
with desires, where his dreams used to swing
The tree is no more
The boy is no more
Time tells the stories
inside the head
of mysteries, of universal alchemies
and of adventure misunderstood, not understood
and understood years later, when it first demeaned you
Dreams work in strange way
Desires **** in worst days
and time is still waiting for the felicitation
to tell the little boy
there are no stars brighter than moon

I have seen the night
I have seen the day
I have seen butterflies over flowers
for nectars and for pollens
I have seen fireflies over moon
for heaven and for solace
But I have never seen this
what I see today
Candles and Sunflowers

I am in a field of green
over a top of hill, lovely
under the black with twinkles,
now and then.
and there are candles all around
and there are sunflowers
dancing and swaying with mountain breezes
and I am here, not astonished at all
I smile at everything
because the candle burns all my existence
and my memories sway slowly
memories of time when I have been sunflower
and i forgot sun would come back
but my desperation told me candles can do better
and I was not wrong
No sun can replace the candle
That have ignited and waxed my love
I do not desire sun any more
When you are here

There, I whisper quietly
Words that make no sense
But have deep meaning
At the empty cup
of which I sipped the last possible drops
of my morning tea
Now all there is left in it -
The future built in healthy past
All the possible pasts
And the most deranged present
Probably,
The reflection is not true to me anymore

All these grounds of reality have sunk too low
And my expectations have rose so high
Sometimes I wish I was DC Comic Character
with flying abilities
and for some reason I am high
since few days
not because of some hallucinogens
No, Not the tea
of colourful thoughts painted in black and white dreams
The birds outside chirp in a strange tone
Like some mechanized toy
Its already hard to find a bird in my surrounding

The cup was long gone
Realizations failed to realize this event
Until I got off my  chair and
got a piece inside my skin

Dreams are just like that
They fall off without getting noticed
and they get shattered
You fail to realize until you start walking
after a long sigh, out of apprehension
after a short rest
and you have already missed your way
You get back just a piece of memory
Every moment redefines you
Every morning tea is a memory
Every cup is just a moment

In my dream today,
I seeped into your sphere
But was there you to find?
I floated inside my unconscious
To seek company of your conscience
Was there you to find?
I am locked inside this limbo.
You are nowhere to be found
Yet your fragrance exist all around
You soared high inside me
With smells of jasmine love
You grew inside my poignancy
like lotus of the mud valley
Yet where are you hidden
I don't seem to find
Who are you in my imagination?
Who are you existing in real?
Can this dream be my reality?
Can this limbo be my real life?

Love~
Today the wind whispers
Air wet with showers of endearment
and...I sing your name
blended in echoes of euphoria

Oh Love! So red and tender
Hands over heart,
Come gently.
Lets go,Me and You
Lets Fly
On our wings of Smile
To land far away
To kingdom waiting in zest
Eagerly for its King and Queen

Oh Love! So white and serene
Trembling with silence
Come heartily
No more to us we belong
No more distinct we remain
Lets vanish in this mysterious void
Lets surrender to this stillness
You hold my hand
You have my heart
and ...I kneel before you

In this quiet breeze of passion
We have bound the future
To love we surrender
In love sweetly forever

Life is pretty drunk
With all the madness suppressed
under the veil of formalities
With all the wildness hidden
behind rocks of normalities
My life would have flew if
you had taught me
Gravity wasn't the only reason
My life would have been LIFE if
you had said the heaven exist in life
not after life...
I have been drunk with dreams of desires and ambitions
I have been so destroyed with convolutions and conjugations
And I still act sober
with life such drunk
If only I had been informed
Life is not for drunkards
I would have refused my birth

The last Love letter


****** up inside this night
I strive for my escape
The darkness it bleeds with my every scorn
screams and apathetic shrills
The darkness goes on filling ink to my blood
My eyes encircled with blue rampart
Wrinkling skins over memories growing weary
I stay sinking down being ******
Spilling blood over my inks

The paper won't stay blank
it will play melencholic tunes of love
While I don't see the end to this engulfment
My desires will perish before light sees me
But this letter shall be my gift
to haunt you with my presence
for all suns and moons you swagged
Till you get your life crumbled

I wanted to get drenched
as you were evaporating
I wanted to roll over moss,
as you gathered seeds of clouds
There, watching up
I was all this time waiting for you
to fall as rain
I was all this time waiting for you
To drench me in your raindrops
of love, shining like vinyl of rash
To fill my eyes - dry with desires,
of sparkles, twinkling with sun after rain

But you made me realize,
after seeing you today,

I was only a grain of sand,
gliding recklessly over mountains,
desperate to catch you
feel you
touch you
hold you
reach inside you
and then just falling down to the sea
with no moss, just salt, all salt
sinking down, gradually

We were never made for each other
May be.


Deeper and down,
In dark, there I find you
I am inside you.
you are all around me.


(A stone can't set the sail, but it can reach the depth)

The sun breathing deep,penetrating
my lovely clouds ,his horses
Running high and with pride
taking joy at my wanning mood

My skin denies the clothes over it
Rejecting the sweltering walls
Adding me with more sweat
Was there any worse day?

Inside my temporal erupts atomic
volcanoes fueled with solar fission
My legs hang over walls of ponds
How lucky are the frogs under mud

With involuntary scratches on my hair
I look around for my baby clouds
The only drops that gather is my own
As I patiently wait for wind
to drop some leaves

Patience might be the only virtue
against the dry spell of the sun
in the middle of monsoon
That seem to burst prior clouds

Trees hang their branches patiently
Crows crowing, now tired of thirst
Not a single ant comes on my way
The ever growling dog sits irritated
but quietly against the fly

I can tell of every thoughts around
But who is there to answer
Will this day come to end
or shall the world end for it

For love that mourns


The news parks over me
an uncomfortable silence,
such pity, void of reasons
and the worst comes as
all the cracks get filled up
with smile and modesty

Just this afternoon, I
was preached about the
beauty of mortality, the
peace death bestows upon
life rippled by chaos and
choas piercing inside us the
needle of silliest phobia-
of dying, of peace that is
eternal, for real.

The breezes denies its movement
The sun hides behind clouds and
her smile still peeks at my silence,
which fails me under its gravity
I wonder mourning upon the real loss
If this is beauty of death, tears
hidden under cracks of helplessness
smile that lies of things being Okay

okay! such beauty ,the death
leaves for the livings, to kins
and friends who will still deny to
carry that breathless corpse..
thesilence won't speak up
this is just circle of life
ending nowhere but just here
right here under tears
burning down to ashes

With the smoke rising up, I
pray and hope its true, all
soul that rises up turns to star
they will never leave us and this
particular soul, do watch upon her
forever and more.
But still those stars that shine
burns hearts which beats

For Her,
As it may seem its just you
You may have chosen the hard way
believing you are on your own
I offer you my silence and me ,
who won't mourn but hold on
The star may seem to have fallen but
it will be eternally gazing upon you

With every loss, a new kingdom
of peace is founded
I am not grieved more than you
But the cracks dripping tears will still
be more beautiful than plasters of smile
Let the heaven sing for eden he will find
Let you be what he truly desired

(This is sad but this is how it is)

I lie down on my bed
with a book, I am not reading,
in front of me
There is a clear knock from the door
and I know, someone wants me
to open it
but I will not
I have not lied here to please people
I am in my regular
mood swings
contemplating about issue
which may appear so oblivious
to real eyes, but not
and this can result in another
end of world
Its not easy to deal with people
and there is hardly anyone
who can deal with my mood swings
But they are still mine
I open the door in the calmest way
with a grusome look
there is the person
that will make you go
all back in love
but I cannot understand
why is love such a beautiful thing
when all it offers is pain in the end

I can see in your eyes searching
for air, to ignite once again
the love long forgotten
bethroned and smashed into ashes
kneeling down the porch
of niche sentiments
You must have noticed I have
lost my synchronism with your heart beat
There is no air I can offer
You must have felt my hands,
cold in lack of emotional dexterity
If you think your eyes can thaw my heart
please try. Its been long I have enjoyed the spring
My senses have lost its way,
not wanting to fall again
my eyes, they still are cold
And that stare you have
the lips dry in lack of love
the strangled hairs lacking the caress
and my fingers clumsy with hesitation
I can say, it will be long time before
we can melt together again
And I would not let you down this time
if you never leave my hand

She was not real when she first came to me


She was not real when she first came
There was not she
There was not her desire
I was too tired already when she came
She felt like dream
hidden behind haziness
her eyes intensely gazing at my physical state
and me utterly lost among my own ruins
she wrote she was searching for real
she said she couldnt find real on me
I do not understand if
I am real or not
may be there is no me, as well
I always made things on my mind
And If I am real I must have made her up
or just her desire
but she was real when she left
and she was there
going back deeper into the haze
haze that gave her birth
and haze that has left me with atonement
engulfed with terrible silence
still suffocating


she was terribly real
I was terribly lost in search of reality
I know not
where things went wrong
and we were never real together
and I sit here feeling bad
I have felt bad for too long now
feeling bad doesn't feel bad anymore
this bad is not real, may be

when was the last time I still loved you
Its hard to remember that love
You drifted away with the river
like grains of sands
down the curls of determination
I was left ashore stuck in valley of desolation
was that the last time we were in love
I blew myself around, in gushes of wind
I looked for you if you were waiting for me somewhere
your time was too pressing
I had time of the world for you
I remember you telling
the moon will always keep record of our love
when was the last time the moon came out of clouds
Why did you call my name yesterday
I have forgotten the way we used to talk
you cannot say I am same old loving lad
and why cannot I see any beauty in you anymore
there is no more love in me
and if you are searching for love
take me to the past
do you remember when you loved me for last time
take me there and stay there watching how I fell in
desolation
in your desperation, chewed by madness
there is no love in me anymore
if you now
want me to love
wait for the rivers to turn back
fill me with our memories of love
take from me the pain inscribed within

Ghost of Night

Night engulfs me with its sombre darkness
Cigarette glowing with all its fury
I try to lit my heart and search,
something I never had
and that always went missing
Questions rumble loud inside
Lots of questions, like unending drops of monsoon
hitting the roof above me
And the question always starts with 'why'
I always believed I was hopeful,
Future will welcome me with good accords.
How long will it take to find the future?
Its scary to consider if I will be always stuck in past.
I try to find among the ashes going down on tray,
the answer to every why.
night slugs down its way
The rain piter-patter continuously, undesirous to stop
I wonder about the picture of damaged organs
on the cover of cigarette packet,
Are these even real?
(I peek inside and wonder why so much of smoke in there)
At times I peek out of window
hoping to see stars above rain.
All the lights from starry sky lost among heat of monsoon.
Hope always covered me with disappointment
If only I had a mystical pet of nine coloured feathers
That could fill me with colours enthusiasm. (why)
Is that moon that's glowing meekly over there
or am I just sleep deprived?
Every night ***** little life out of me. (why)
It won't be surprise to find my breath
held inside ,
cold and undaunted by questions,
one fine morning.