nicotine
or ****
or both
in my dad's bathroom.
on his second wife, thousandth girlfriend and fourth kid.

four kids
all with different moms
makes for an interesting bunch
if you have the patience for them.

although

i would not call
two holes in our apartment wall
and sore knuckles
patience.
but
to each
their own
i guess.

it must've taken some patience
to drive to vegas
marry a girl
you'd known for 4 months.
attachment issues?
on a seven year old me?
hahahahahahahahaha

stepmom #2? #8?
faces blend together
names turn into
michelledominiquetatijillzhaoaletia

on your good days
of type one diabetic balance
and anarchy signs in the kitchen
i love you

but on your bad days
i love you to death

whisper your name
until it is meaningless.
shatter yourself on the stones,
sweep it up,
and mold yourself whole again.

this is existing.
this is engraving your soul
on the walls of time.
this is learning to

fall

but

not

to

crash.

oh, lost childhood
innocent, sweet, and vain
i traded away my maidenhood
for a life of listless pain.

although reckless naievity
assuredly slipped away
so did the warm festivity
of existing without shame.

no longer can bedside fables
enchant a wonderous mind.
for i have traded my maidenhood
and left all past behind.

strained is
supposed to be
a word
for pasta
not
relationships.

i like bugs.
they remind me
that life is important
on a small scale.
even the most frustrating
are beneficial to nature and
our ecosystem wouldn't be the same
without them.

except mosquitoes.
they can **** right off,
the ***** bloodsucking *******.

i see the ships pass by
but only when the waves
don't cover my eyes.
i remember nothing
and my only friends
are clouds and stars.

the name of the boat i was on
is always on the tip
of my tongue
but it slips away
with the tides
as do i.

fish have started to nibble on me.
it's a strange sensation,
not unpleasant.
i know what that means, though.
i know i am dead.

i'm not scared
just relaxed
floating on the water
smelling the salt
feeling the breeze

i am lonely though
and a little cold
i must have had a family.
what happened
to all the other lifeboats?

aha! i remember the name of my boat.
i think it was called the Titan...
no, i'm pretty sure it was
the Titanic.

is it normal
to stand in my bathroom
for ten minutes
at 2:20 a.m.
pepper spray in hand
door locked
listening for footsteps
waiting for my breathing
to become less ragged
so i can run into my bedroom
check my closet
and under my bed
for monsters that only
come from my head?

is it normal to stare into the mirror
crying
wondering if that's really you in it
because you don't recognize
your own reflection
after checking behind
the shower curtain at least four times?
there's a reason i never want
to live alone.

is it normal that
even when i am alone
it fees like i am being watched
cameras, mirrors, windows of houses and people on the street.
they're waiting to laugh at me
or ****** me
or kidnap me
or stare at me
the list goes on.

everyone is out to get me
which i know isn't true
but that doesn't make
the feeling
go away.