Spend 3 or more hours
To go to bed
Just to 'sleep it off'
Every ache in my head
Is not what i need
But it is all i can get

When you know something will ruin your day
But curiosity gets the best of you
So you do it anyways
And now youre just a dead cat

I would **** myself for you
And apparently
You would **** me for yourself too

I said hello for a reason
I said yes for a reason
I said no for a reason
I said goodbye for a reason

I had pulled you to the top
I scraped my knees and burried my hands
You sore above
While my wings were your guide
I opened you up into my world
Let you hold the gold
In times dueing
It turned to dust
But you covered it up
With a smile and lust
And the only reason i find this out
Is because you blow the dust
Stright into my mouth
I dont give you the satisfactory of seeing me choke
But on the inside i cant breath
And you will never know
My world around slowly cumbles
And you walk out the door
I vist the world of others
To help rebuild my own
But i feel like all their gold i touch
Turns to dust
And that i am the burdan weight apon their shoulder
So i return back to where i belong
I scrape my knees
And bury my hands
In a place that used to made of gold
Now covered in dust
And alone
...
But atleast
You're at the top of this world
Thats my boy

I would sing so many people to sleep
And now i lay awake
Quite
And alone

I'm not even sleepy or tired anymore
But there is nothing for me to do while I'm awake
My days are getting shorter
Im sleeping every moment away
I try to fill my day with activity
Even simple ones
But there is nothing for me to do
Im ignored by everyone
Or maybe just forgoten
So communication is very rare
When im not asleep
Im in my bed
Fallin asleep
Everything has lost feeling
Has lost meaning
Im empty
I would say my stomach dropped
But it is not there
I have forgoten how to act
Outside of my room
In front of people
When a simple stranger says hello
Im surprised
My days are filled with nothingness
And i have become the nothingness they are filled with

I didnt know what to do
I felt like a part of me was so lost in the past
that letting go of myself as a whole made sense
slowly
bit by bit
I began to strip apart who I was
and what I was doing
until it all fell far behind me
and so far down the line
I missed too much of what I had let go
but the bits of myself that I had striped
lead so far into the past
I was scared to go back and pick up the parts
but I had to
and I had to reface so many things
that I didnt want to face once around
but as I went back
I only had to pick up the parts of myself that i wanted
but now I have to race back into present time
and parts of me are dropping
I cant keep up
but that wont stop me from trying

I asked her the other day
Then waited two days for today
She said at one or two she would come
My hair was done
But not that great
I am dressed
But not that pretty
I had my bag packed
With money to spend
Only on her
I had a gleam in my eyes
Smile from my lips
One rolled around
And two has left
Oh she tells me to wait till three
Im trying to i will
Wanting things to work
But she would never fall for a pathetic loser like me
I just sit and wait
Till three

My stomach turned upside down
and inside and out
It felt like toxins
but in a good way
see I burnt away a layer of my skin
it was itching me
it was dry
it made me fell disgusting
I looked at myself and all I could see was this skin
looked like it was dipped in toxic
But a cure came around
it came in bunches
or a single pack
its sizes ranged from big to small
the cure surrounded me
it held me tight
it kept telling me to let the skin go
but I didn't know who I was with out it
But the cure showed me who I was with it
and as I let the toxic skin fall
I felt toxins in the air
it was clean
it was fresh
and I was unaware
this was what it was like
to be *free

I was so weak
it felt like you could stab a feather through my chest
and move me with just a breath
what was this
was it death
because it surely wasn't life
was it worth it
because I surly couldn't tell

I bleed over the fact that I can not fathom
more than what people have before
I race to see time and all its existence
but it rages from my hand like a storm
trying to run over the left overs and scraps
of what is left when we are done
and the wind will whisk me high
as the water drains out the wrath of darkness
I shiver and shake
the ground opens up and I am dropped in
feet above me seem years away
the worlds shuts me out
I can not fathom

Though you are quite
you are loud
your eyes speak
more than any words would allow you to
and you die and drown in silence
because you think
that just because they have you mouth wrapped shut
you cant let your mind speak in its place
they can never shut you down
they can never shut you up
because they can cover your eyes
but you can still see
they can cover your ears
but you can still hear
its all in your mind
you can express it
you can feel it
you will never be quite
you will always be loud

And I had to run my own fingers through my hair
because I was alone
I had to watch the movies in empty rooms
and laugh at my own jokes
Sometimes I even held my own hands
because I forgot what it felt like
I had to dry my own tears
and rock myself to sleep at night
I watched as they all laughed and played
from a safe distance I could see
I was just a second option
or third
the fourth
the last
I wanted someone who I could hold
but have them also hold me
I felt greedy wanting love
but I couldn't help it
I would run my fingers through their hair
and I would watch with them the movies
I would laugh at all their jokes
so they never felt alone
like me

I swear once I saw a shooting star
and I begged for you
I begged for you

I screamed so loud in pain
That heaven called hell
An told them to stop tortureing the deamons

I'm a grown man
Who is still sleeping with the lights on
Because fear has no age
And it just grows within me 
The more I know the more I fear
Because that blanket can only keep out so many monsters
But what do you do
When the monster is yourself
Sleeping with you
That blanket is just a kiddy toy
And fear is no kid

I'm just as bad as I was yesterday
and I guess that's better
than getting worse

--

I really just wish
I was special
to someone
it is a disgusting felling
knowing that no one needs you
or even really wants you
the fact that I could die
and no one would really be phased by it
the fact that I could be gone forever
and no one would care
that hurts
and knowing that I will always be nothing to everyone
and never anything to anyone
and no matter how hard I try to be something to myself
they will never need me
and that every person who had seen my face
can forget it in an instant and never be bothered by it
I don't even need me
or want me
I guess they are right

I want to be described
not just by a friends saying
'ya dude you're chill'
but I want someone to spend the day
thinking of the right words
and sentences
to put together
and describe me
I want an author
or a poet
to make me part of their work
I want to be described by different people
I want to see me from their eyes
I want to know what my physical appearance is
the shape of my body
the color of my eyes
how my hair feels tangled within their finger tips
what they think about my laugh
what I remind them of
what I protect them from
the good and bad about me
I want them to describe
how I think
how they feel when they are around me
how I talk
walk
eat
sing
everything
everything they can think about to describe me
please

I am just winging this whole thing
because it is 11:30 pm
and the night holds more than just the stars
I sit here and pretend like I don't know were it all leads
as my fingers stumble to find the right letters
to forum the right words
into the right sentence
that will make you feel the night as I do
I feel as if it cradles me
whether I am warped in blankets staring at walls
trying to close my eyes and dream of something world waking up to
or if I am up in the mist of what feel like forever
trying to communicate with people who have no idea
who
I
am
what more are we
than just skin and bones
the only difference is our minds
our minds are the ones that want food
that want love
hate
attention
they decorate
this thing that our minds decided on calling a body
and my mind
is up at past 11 pm
just to move some fingers
and hit some keys
because this is what the thing we call night
makes my mind want to do
it makes it want to sore
because our minds make up stories about amazing people waking up doing amazing things
and our minds make up stories about all the monsters coming out at night
and maybe my mind is convinced
that the monster people tell stories about
is me

everything is edging to a near
everyone is safe on their feet
but im leaning on my toes
looking down into an endless pit
once dropped in
i can never return
i can never come back
as the same old me
the darkness from the pit rises
i haven't even fallen in but the smell is to much to handle
this darkness sticks with you
it tints your skin
it gets deep into your bones
where water can't reach
so even if you manage
to claw your way out
you would just want to jump back in
because the fact is that
this darkness leaches off of you
you can never pull it off
it will convince you it is right
and again you're back on your toes

A magic twist of events
can only start
if action is taking
one with great light
one with great color
and one with an open mind
A blooming new opportunity
can be taken
by someone of no quirk
or someone of imagination
An adventure awaits
for someone who is willing to go
A story is ready to be written
if that person is willing to write it
The rollercoaster may not be enjoyable for all
it wont wait for you
and you may be force to ride
so you must make the best of it
and keep
an open mind

when side and side collide
a fire burns inside
it is the turning waves
that eat you up and spit you out in a lonesome cave
when side and side collide
magic is made
it is rhythmic music
with ones who brake
when side and side collide
it is the thunder in your veins
the boulders in your arms
when side and side collide
it is the freedom that we crave
when side and side collide
no telling what will be made

i wanted to rip apart
every bit of my skin
I wanted to watch it rip like fabric
string from string
nothing stopped me from doing it
no one cared
I had to just stand there as the mocked me
all they did was laugh and stare
they laughed at my grades and how im a failure
little do they know I wanted to drop out and **** myself
little do they know they wars in my head prevent me from doing better
they stare at my body
im so annoyed by it
little do they know this is the first time in so long that I didn't ware an oversize  shirt because of this fear
little do they know that starting at me
weather it be disgust
or to enjoy
it kills me
that they think they can do that just because.
I know im nothing
worthless
I know
but little do they know
how hard it was for me
to shove back my anger
to stop myself from letting rivers flow from my eyes
little do they know
oh how little they know

it seemed as if every conversation began and ended with
'you are a failure'
i really am
i am nothing
if i took my life today
the failure could end
they tell me to become the person i want to be
but they don't want me to be me
they want me to become what they want to see
they can't bare any other scene
i can list forever what it wrong with me
from personality to looks
from grades to talent
and you couldn't prove me wrong
i cant even talk to them anymore
i cant even pretend I'm worth living
it will all end soon
don't worry

they tell me i cant be trying my best
they say i'm to much of a failure
to be trying my hardest
but this is the best i got
do you know how it feels
to be told that is my worst?
i cant be any better than i am
I'm sorry i just cant
i have given my all
my everything
maybe
its because my all
goes into what you want it to
has anything i ever wanted
or needed
ever past your mind?
i assume not
you would **** me before i killed myself
i just want to travel in the wind
like the smoke that comes from my burning body
i cant escape
i am giving you my best
why do you assume that is my worst?
you have never seen me at my near worst
if you did you would tremble and run
think of me for just a moment
my best
is my best
take it
or see my worst

my life
was kind of like second hand smoke
people would huff and puff next to and around me
and yes their lungs crush and crumble
but so do mine
at first i would cough trying to get the smoke to leave my system
i wasn't used to it
but now
it is a daily thing
i figured out how to help them deal with the smoke
i take it all in one breath
now the smoke kills me
it takes over my body and mind
i sit with my decaying lungs
and every day they come to me with more cigarettes and smoke
and i take it away
but once i do
they leave me with it
their smoke
and my own
i'm suffocating
i cant find my way out
but they wont let me die
because if i do
who will take in all the second hand smoke

its all a lie. let me tell you that. i dont love him like that. i love him as a friend. just remember.




and i never thought he would love
me
or anyone
but as he leaned in to kiss my lips
i felt the slightest tingle
he held my hands and the words
'i love you so much'
fell from his lips
we kiss again
and he holds me
before we bid each other goodbye
as i wait for the next day to come
i am shattered by the loneliness that has over come me
'i need his touch'
i whisper to myself
as the days go on
i see him as much as i can
we fall more in love each day
closer and closer
and being loved like this
felt amazing
but have being hurt before
i fear it as well
his perfection over took that fear
as he told me the same
he loved me and didn't seek for my flaws
and my heart beat purely for him
he made me feel on top of the world
and although he could not cure
the depression that tore me apart
he did not add to the pain
and as we move on in life
he would hold my hands
and help me push my way
he stays by my side
as i never leave him
'forever'
he says
and i answer with a confused look
'that's how long i want to be with you'
and as our love grows into more
then just kisses and words
is stays pure
forever

and if I die I will be your ghost
I'll help you out of every disaster
I will find a way to watch over you
and I'll be back because your dreams
help me live on in legacy
I will cross my broken heart
so you can see I'm finally happy
I can speak
I can hide
and the world can not harm me
because you see
I am your ghost
and that's all I ever wanted to be
now you see death is near
and its nothing that we fear
we fear the lost
we fear the broken
death its self
my dear
is a relief from this disaster
a freedom you never feel
until your gone
for good

I will sail this empty sea
Alone with my dead and empty mind
My death toned eye
And my dead pale skin
Now what happened
Not too long ago
I was young
I was youthful
I had the strength of a million men
I was as wise as I could be
But now
I’m losing everything I once had
My age is the only thing I gain
And I’m gaining it quickly
I can see the life of others
Drain with mine
It’s sad and it hurts
What will we do
When everyone is like this
No youth
No strength
We will all fail and die
Together

I am the cage keeper
in my cage I hold secrets
not just one or two
or three or four
hundred
even millions
people tell me everything
and I just lock it away
every secret you can think of
so many secrets
big and small
even simple things
I would never share them
not even one
because I know what its like
to have a knife stabbed into your back
but some people
want to destroy others
they are the hammer
they try to crack open the cage
but it is impossible
I will take my secrets to the grave
but sometimes
even other peoples secrets **** me
I sit and I think about them
I put time into everyone of them
to make sure the secret doesn't damage its owner
so they hand them to me
to help take care of and mend
but who holds my secrets
well I am the cage keeper
so I hold my secrets to

they look at me as a circus act
they look at me as an acrobat
I'm twisted and turned and pushed on my back
that's why they call me a circus act
and I am the ****** you point and laugh at
but in reality I am the sanity
of this circus act
and we all take part disguised by lies
we all have our own show
we are famous for our wonderful tricks and our flips
because we are the circus show
and we try our hardest to get out of this cage
the lions are hungry and we cant play this game
and if the circus doesn't **** you
you will hang
on the tightrope
no net on the ground
and we will ride our unicycle off of the bridge
we will gather our money
every penny and dime
for tickets to see the freaks in the circus act
but we are the show

I flip the coin
heads I jump
tails I step down
I know its silly to leave my life up to a flip of a coin
but what else can I do
they tell me its silly to **** yourself
over people and lies
over hating yourself and your life
they say its silly to want to die
because to them our life looks
perfect
and they say the words,
'lonely in a crowed room'
make no sense
but if you have grew in my skin
and looked at the world as if you are a viewer
or if you felt no one wants you around
you understand
that those words are one of the most truthful things you could ever here
and when they say,
'the mirror doesn't lie'
you believe it
because what you see is
someone that you want to die
someone who you have tried to **** for who knows how many years
and as the coin drops
I see what side faces up
yet I still jump

A messed up person
With messed up lies
A messed up life
I'm gonna mess up and die

as the smoke takes its time to travel to my lungs
I think about what had brought me here
the people who pushed me to the edge
I think about the person I was
wanting to help my friends quit
now we all sit together
smoke so thick I cant see and inch in front of me
I can hear them yelling at me in my head
I'm to far gone now to care
but at the end of the day
I remember
that when the smoke clears
the people who are around me
are the people I need
and they need me
we care so much
we have all made bad choices
but that didn't make us bad people
but that's what they told the kids
that if you aren't great in school
if you did something illegal
or wild
had tattoos
had dreams and different ideas
you where a threat
because they are scared of us
but we mean you no harm
we don't want you to feel our pain
but we don't want you to say its fake as well
and now as the puff of smoke reaches the air
I let out some relief
because ill take another puff
and I will be full again

What if I asked you to run with me
and be my partner in crime
away from everything we hold daily
to live under the roof of the stars
would you think I was crazy if I packed my bags
and ran to the highest point
if I asked you to take my hand and go on this journey
would you say no
we could explore the in's and out's of this world
no one to hold us back
we could make greatness
we would find what we are meant for
I could show you I'm more than what they told you
we could make the dreams they told us where just dreams
a reality
we don't have the car or money or job
but so help me if we don't make it
we will conquer everything and everyone
who said you cant
the mist of the night will hold us
as our bedroom windows are the escape
so would you run with me
if I asked you to do this

this rush of killer emotion
came right after I thought I was done
done caring about you and everything
I thought I could finally stop loving you
and living in the moment you tore me apart
but how wrong was I
all I want to do is run to your arms
and cry out every tear I have in my body
I cry alone every night
not just because of you
also because I'm alone
because I'm so hurt
and because I cant do anything about it
like everything in the world is out to hurt me
and its doing a great job
to have you wipe that emotion away
and to wipe away the tears from my face
for you to kiss the tip of my nose
it would help fix everything
from the depression, hate, and sadness
to the feelings I have about myself
and you
I need to know its okay for me to
be in love
so young
and with someone who tore my heart out of my body
with someone who seems to have never wanted me around
and a world that is trying to get rid of me
and I'm told to wait
but waiting is killing me
over and over you tell me of this amazing person you see in me
but if you really saw that person you always tell me about
the kind of person you want to be with and have around
than how come when you had that person
you tore her to the ground
how am I going to believe that
if the person telling this
seems to not believe it at all
what do I do now
just
what do I do.

because they tore us apart
we had staples in our heart to put it together
they where sharp and cut our skin
and the soles of our shoes are worn out
because we had to run from the fear
that they would take us to the highest point
just to push us to the deepest layers of hell
we had to put a metal shelter around our bodies
to keep them from pulling us apart limb from limb
and when they take our stomics out because they don't like our bodies
they took our hearts because they didn't like our emotions
our minds because we didn't think like they did
and our face
they rearranged it with make up and hidden scares
bags under our eyes because of the sleepless nights when we would cry until four in the morning
and the broken moments we would have to clean up
all alone in a dark circle with an endless pit that would tighten around us
until the day they let us free
we will drown in the thought that we are not worthy of who they are

in the middle of the night it crept into my thoughts
it grabbed my now depressed mind and tried to hold me close
it listened to the fear and dreaded hate i had for this world and the people in it
they took me hostage you see and i had no escape
none of us can run from it
some just hide from it better
it took my face and told me what the world has said
disgusting and worthless
it stabbed my body with its piercing nails and told me
how much of a fat slob i am
it looked into my eyes and read my mind
but their was nothing to read
i was lost and alone but still the world around didnt seem hurt at all
they laughed at my pain to make themselves feel better
at the expence of a person
they did not care
they wanted to see me crash and burn so i could not fight
i awoke from my slumber
to walk to a mirror that had deep scars of my hatred for myself embedded in them
and the scars, the scars matched the ones on my side
the ones i hid from everyone so they would keep the words to them selves
and i ran and i hid under the roof of the place i had to call home
i ran there for safety
but what safety did it being me
when they yelled and yelled at me for mistakes that where never ment to happen
i felt it was my fault
when in some sort of crazy realty i was innocent
i was the victim of being hated and let down and lied to
i hurt so bad for people who would never feel the pain
i hid in myself
i tried to see what the world couldnt
but how could i see what was not there
i could not dream because they distroied them
i could not hope because they stole it from me
and i was not a well enough thief to steal it back
they broke my heart
this would that i had loved
it didnt love me back
it would never dare do such a thing
so i sit and i cry and call myself a baby
because i let this world **** me
i let it take control of my body and mind
because i felt i wasnt worth it
even with the people who told me to see otherwise
there was an army of hate that rushed their caring words right out of my mind
and i tried, i tried to change
my looks
my thoughts
who i was
i hated myself
and they hated me to
so i took the knife to my wrist and i carved the words help me help me
hoping someone could hear me
but no one even bothered to listen
so i wrote my story on paper covered in my blood
the last thing i wrote was
sorry
carved into my neck

let me rest, please
i don't need long
my feet can no longer handle to walk
and my arms can not hold all the mistakes i have made
so let me rest, please
i have lost my road
as well as my mind
and my friends
and family
and you
just let me sleep
it is how i can run away
please i just want to stand
i work to please you
yet no matter what, i do you wrong
let me refresh my mind
i can do you better if i am not in such a great pain
can you go one day with out pushing me down?
just leave me to rest
a forever long sleep
please.

home is where the heart is
where it lives
it learns to die and thrive
off the world that there is
it will twist and turn and break and fall
fix its self and back on the road
the heart remembers everything
you have done said and heard
keep care of your heart for one day it will leave the home
and tumble on this journey
until it stops and cant take anymore

baby i carry the weight of the world on my back
you just droped it on there without care
it broke my back and i had to slowly make my way
i was blamed for being slow, but maybe it wasn't me
maybe for once, i wasn't wrong
baby the world hurt me
it beat me down
yet still i carry the weight of the world on my back
im dead inside but so full of life in my body
baby read my eyes
can you see the color drain
baby im becoming lifeless now, but i cant go
because the weight of the world is on my back

why cant i look in the mirrior and see the person they see?
why do i think so negatively about myself?
how come they are my friends but i cant see that?
i don't want to be ashamed about who i am
i want to embrace it
i want to love myself for who i am and what i can become
i don't want to hate myself anymore
i want to see the me that my friends see
i want to smile at my reflection
who am i,
and why cant i just love that person?

down we sink
down we go
i don't want to leave
but down we must go
we will drown in tears
of broken souls
down we sink
down we go

as a whole body i shiver
i can feel the cold fear run up my spine
as my hands hold my arms
i run
far and fast
it feels as if the world
and everyone in it
can not touch me