the water lapped about my waist,
the coolness stung my skin.
I sat upright on the shore, eyes closed,
my body taking in the feeling.

I felt the sand seep around me,
stick to my limbs and cling to me.
I focused on my breathing and my heartbeat,
I listened closely to the noise that surrounded.

I heard the waves hit the bank,
I flinched at the occasional siren, and prayed for the safety of those it aided.
I counted car horns and footsteps.
I tuned out any voice in my head.

Becoming one with the river,
forming as one into the earth,
I sat still on the banks of the water,
in a city where the river ran through it.

I long to feel your warm skin envelope me,
I crave to breathe in your scent and feel at home.
chills arise on my body at the thought of your arms pulling me close to you,

my chest aches when I think of it...

I shudder at your voice mumbling a vast “I love you”, it sets my soul on fire, it also ices my heart.
It’s a fickle feeling, this one about you.

You’re a first love, though not mine, you are to many. I like to pretend you’re mine.
Your very essence provides shelter and escape for a plethora of souls, mine being one,

and it is not right...

I know this full well,
I struggle day in and out,
to find my worth in myself and the one above,
but my fleshly blood wants you.

I shouldn’t,
and I can’t.
Praise God that I can’t have you,
or else my soul would be sold to you.

I see chocolate,
in your eyes and in your hair.

I taste the cocoa on your lips,
and trace my fingers down to your hips.

you’re intoxicating, you’ve left me tipsy.
a winsome smile painted ear to ear.

the way you stood so tall and proud,
shining more light than the night allowed,
left me breathless.

your coffee-coloured features awoke me,
giving me my strength and energy.
and your tranquil gaze swept me off my feet.

your alluring charm is irresistible.
something one may say is fictional,
but to me you’re completely real.

I’ve handled worse than this.
I didn’t bend when I should’ve broke,
I didn’t slip when I should’ve fell.
Holding my head high I faced my giants,
even with a heavy heart I still fought.

I question if it’s me that’s the problem,
being so blind, oblivious.
things don’t make sense sometimes,
I try to figure it out and I come up empty handed.
I can never fully grasp why.

I’ve carried a much heavier weight between my ribs,
my heart has broken so much worse,
so why is it that this time I shrug my shoulders?
not to brush it off, but embrace it?
I’ve finally learned without conflict there’s no peace.

We learn through our riots the meaning of calm.
Without them would it be as sacred?
Would our peace be as precious if it’s all we’d ever known?
Learning to not take for granted our sunshine is the first step in accepting the rain.
To run from war at first, means you can’t appreciate the freedom after.

we come out of the night that leaves us blinded,
crawling on our hands and knees,
searching for an effective escape.

it’s all black on black, a dream in a dream.
we fall into the trap, we’re pulled into the chain.
our hearts put up a facade.

racing towards an undefined finish line,
we’ll find our passion and our purpose,
we’ll become the real ones.

so much is clouded in our thoughts.
diving into unknown territory, waters so deep.
how do we know this is our mission?

are we who we present ourselves as?

do we fit into the mold?

(I will open my eyes, find my seventh sense,
and breathe)