my friend called the other night
all tangled up in a thorny mess
but i found no words that helped

or reassured him as he drove down 95
the voice automated system, his sole companion
the gps signals, amplified his shaky breaths

the scene was so ******
they barely identified his body
is this guilt that sits on my chest?

lapping at my heart like a dog
who sits in silence, waits in silence
for a friend that will never come home

it was a puppy sort of love
but we were young
so it felt much deeper

perhaps it was the reason
why we were so hesitant
to let go and move on

thus, i found myself cutting corners
so i could fit myself into your box
and in the painful process of loving you
i made myself become someone i knew i was not

summer slipped through like a snapshot in time
and in the midst of this chaos we call life
i've lived a little and learned a bit more

so if the price of faint crow's feet aligning with my eyes
are a couple of scars and a couple of cut strings
i'd do all it over again just to feel this happy

how did i romanticize this in such a way
there were no soft whispers, no shy touches
we moved quick, with staggered rhythms

neither of our hips lined up properly
we sounded more animalistic than anything
it was good, alright, a good ****, alright, but

this wasn't quite what i was looking for
lust wasn't quite what i was asking for
you weren't quite what i was hoping for

if i had told you how much
i hated this stupid santa barbara pier
you might have stayed for centuries

was it not you who said
was it not you who promised
you would be here for me if i called

all i say now is this:
i still see your eyes
in the blue of the skies

i still hear your laugh
bouncing off the high tides
i still hold millions of memories

that play on an infinite loop
fading images of your expression of shock
of you, forever sixteen, never changing

i can still feel your breath
the way you whispered for me to leave
how could i have left?

did you think i could just go home
wash your blood off of my hands
and sleep in a half-empty bed?

i wish i had told you how much
i hated this stupid santa barbara pier
if it meant you could have stayed

isn't it crazy how august flies by
these scars from summer that i thought would never fade
they've blurred together and paled with time

it took me two years to get back
on a train to the lower east side
back to the starting ground

but when i arrived this morning
in our little corner of this place
it felt something like a ghost town

so many faces fluttered by
but not a single one i recognized
i felt like a stranger in my hometown

i left to chase my dreams of permanence
but now nostalgia and memories ring aloud
and all of our old apartments have been torn down

what is left for my wandering heart?
not you, not home, nothing else in this town so
i bought a ticket for the next train, and i'm leaving now