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May 2015 · 497
I'll live
rachel May 2015
Eyes closed, tears fall
Last night hurt me too much
Today, on my own,
How can I live out of love?
I still feel you, I still love you
I just can't reach out to touch
And it hurts me, in my heart
Knowing that you're arms can't be my crutch
Eyes low, don't look
I'm too scared to be judged
Hold me, for forever
I want, I need it so much
Kiss me harder, love me closer
Kiss my forehead, give me your touch
And maybe,
I'll live
In love lost
Still there but
With a cost
Hearts tied
Frayed at the ends
Kindling for the fire
Sparked by new beginnings
Feb 2015 · 649
Poem #2
rachel Feb 2015
The smell of pine trees in the air is fresh
Fresher than a babies face as
it takes its first breath
The sky above me houses mounds of clouds but
None have cried yet; how strange.

There has been a cloud over my head for days it seems
The storm inside me washed my soul clean
But I'm still at war with this piece of myself
I walk, in part, to find peace of mind.

My feet take me deep into the forest
Where I'm faced with two paths: right or left
I can't help but think of how cliché this is and
Instead I trek through the thicket in between.

My indecision is what leads me
I never take option one, two, or even three
I make my own, yet
Here I am at a crossroads.

"Just Go Your Own Way" is easy to say
Yet here I stay
In the middle of the forest
Pining away.
rachel Jan 2015
I'm scared to tell him I love him because I know that's what scares him the most
His mind is different and
His heart is so timid that
I know he will back away
Once I say
"I love you".
The minute I utter those three words and eight letters
He will shut down and wonder what's next
He will question what is expected and if he agrees
And he'll break down and hide away so no one sees
Into his soul
Or into his mind
The bumpy indecisive waves crashing inside
Pandemonium in his cranium all due to "i love you" and the obligations that society has created
Around those syllables that I spoke
With confidence and fear
Knowing that what he will hear will be more than just what I feel
But a job
A new obligation to me
A choice he had no choice in but would've come to, hopefully
After days of rational thought
Because he is rational and logical and thinks far too much.
"I love you"
It takes courage to say
It takes spontaneous trust in your heart just to explain
To someone
Someone you love
Someone you think about more than enough
Someone who has been in your mind long enough
For you to decide that they have your love
So with all of my thinking and all that being said
I know how I feel and how it will be read
I'll eventually tell him because time won't wait
I just hope that he's not too afraid
To reciprocate
"I love you too".
Dec 2014 · 448
A tale of two cities
rachel Dec 2014
Last time it was different
I thought I was in love
With him
I thought that he was the reason the world stayed spinning and my heart kept beating
But it wasn't him
It was what we did together that I loved
I was in love with the music
Enamored by the sunshine
But not by his eyes
Not by the way he held me
I only loved the idea of him

This time it's different
I know I am in love
Every time I see him my heart stops for a second
I can't believe how lucky I am to know him
He holds me so closely, so tightly
I feel loved
The way he smiles
As wide as he can, with his beautiful white teeth
It makes me wish the whole world could see his smile
It makes me want to make him happy every day of his life.
This time the silences aren't awkward
He knows what hurts me and what makes me laugh
He wants me to be happy
His eyes are open and honest,
Yellow-green like a cat's
He is playful and strange and fun like a kitten
But strong like a bear
He snores so loud but is so innocent when he sleeps
He holds me to his body
He keeps me warm
He runs his soft hands on my stomach even while he sleeps
It makes me wish I could have him next to me every night
He kisses me with determination
He bites my lip as if he can't get enough of me
And I can't get enough of him.
He doesn't realize his beauty
His messy hair
The curls twisting around his head, around his ears
His perfect eyebrows sitting kindly and friendly on his face
I love holding him and I love when he holds me
This time, I know I am in love with him
It is so strange to think that I was so blind. So many poems written about one when he wasn't even the one
rachel Nov 2014
The autumn leaves
Falling around me like rain
Like snow
Like the changing seasons and the changing tides inside my mind
They make me want to dance
They make me want to run through piles of leaflets bathed in words from the heart,
Love songs written in a flourish as if the world was ending
As if the ground was ablaze, ready to engulf me and char the pages on the ground

The leaves crunch in the most beautiful symphony
Composed by some entity of genius
They lie on the ground in all their colorful splendor
And they humbly rest
Waiting for the snow to fall
For the winter wind to freeze them and carry them away
Oct 2014 · 251
rachel Oct 2014
I've been lying in bed for hours.
I don't see the point in getting up
How can I possibly live my life when you're gone?

I feel selfish
Spoiled that I'm still alive
I'm an awful person
If you aren't breathing anymore, why is it that I have that privilege?

It makes me wonder
It makes me angry
To even consider that there is a God
How can He exist if people as amazing as you are taken from this earth?

My breathing is lackluster in the dim light
The weight of blankets on my body buries me
That's how it should be
I feel your pain

I know I won't see you again
You belong in heaven and I will go to hell (if there are such places)
But in my heart I can remember you
With our memories I can laugh with you again
And in my dreams I can see you smile as if nothing happened.
Yesterday morning my good friend Stephen passed away. He was hit by a drunk driver the night before. He was an amazing person. I miss him dearly. Rest in peace Stephen.
Oct 2014 · 349
Player 1
rachel Oct 2014
I see you when I close my eyes
I see you when they're open
And I'm trying not to accept the fact that I won't see you again in person
Everything's lucid
I wish I didn't know it
But you ignore me when I wish that you wouldn't
Life drags on
Though you were only a means to an end
But that end hasn't ended and the means was in my head
I understand what cold turkey looks like
I just wish I didn't have to live it
I wasn't worried when we were together
But now you ignore me and I'm hurting
3 am smells of you now
Of cigarettes and natty ice
Of the strength of your body and the weakness of mine
It's time to go
Back out into the cold
The cold that you wake up to when you go off to work
I know that you're a dream
The idea of you that I have
But in reality I had you
For hours in my grasp
And I let you slip
Because I let you have me
And I'm torn up from the turmoil
That you don't care enough to see
Aug 2014 · 1.1k
rachel Aug 2014
I felt broken today
I felt as if everyone who looked at me saw how torn I was
As if they were counting how many pieces of him were stuck in my skin like broken glass
Little bits and pieces stuck everywhere he ever touched me
How can they possibly count them all
rachel Aug 2014
Goodbye isn't the hardest part
I don't know who came up with that
But it's a lie
The hardest part is living your life, for the first time in a while, completely alone
Some may call it Freedom
A new start
I would call it the Aftermath
My world lays in utter destruction
As thunder ruptures above the stormy oceans in my mind
Conflicted waves of emotion flood over me as I go from regret to aching
And the sun seems like it will hide from me forever
As if it can see the darkness inside of me
And thinks that it's the night
Aug 2014 · 315
Lonely Is The Name
rachel Aug 2014
I'm starving myself  
My stomach grumbles every few minutes
It's nice to feel
Sammy Davis Jr. - We'll be together again
Aug 2014 · 590
rachel Aug 2014
I'm sitting criss crossed on a picnic table in the park
All by myself
Accompanied by a water bottle and the thought of you
You decided not to come home this time and I guess I don't blame you
All these places and memories
Faces that remind you of high school
Of ******* and of how shallow humans can be
I guess you wanted some time to pretend that you aren't one of them
But you are
And so am I
And I guess that's why this hurts so much
Sitting here alone
Because not too long ago it used to be the two of us
Walking side by side through this park
Pretending that we were more real than any other human in our sight
Whether that's true or not,
At least we were together.

Now it's only me
Sitting here,
Laughing to myself as 13 year old girls walk by in shorts so short I can see their *****
How sad
But then I realize
Here I am,
A sad, lost, lonely college student
Sitting by herself on a picnic table
Scoffing at a group of girls because of how they're dressed
How does that make me a better person?
The only reason I was ever more real than them was because I had
Now I don't even have that.
Aug 2014 · 899
I need you
rachel Aug 2014
My mouth dries and my eyes water
My throat tightens and so does my chest as
Our song beats through my headphones and flows with my blood
Warming my insides while I shiver on the outside
I throw your sweatshirt on over my head and sniff it every few minutes to remind myself of you
I forget how to breathe
My breath shortens until I realize I am suffocating myself
The thought of now
The thought of being without you
The thought of how much I care for you
It draws from my soul
It weakens me
I need you.
Aug 2014 · 343
Thank you
rachel Aug 2014
You are the first person that said "you are beautiful" that I actually believed
Aug 2014 · 321
rachel Aug 2014
I see you often
In places that only you can take me
Places I can't bear to be without you

These places are all the same to me

Wind from the wings of butterflies grazes my cheek

My heart burns and beats for you in the hot summer sun

Water rushes over rocks as if that is water's only purpose

Sunlight paints the tops of the leaves on the trees around us

Children splash in the water as we walk by

Joyous laughter from their free voices and minds vibrates through me

Angelic voices engulf me as we drive down the highway at sunset

The breeze whips through my hair as we cruise along

Your hand grasps mine tightly and sways to the music

The nighttime falls quicker than I fell for you, but stays for longer than we have together

The tv echoes in the background as we occupy ourselves elsewhere...

In exploring each other, mind and body.

You are the one place I will always cherish
Aug 2014 · 678
Honey, I'm home
rachel Aug 2014
I have found a home
In the strength of your grasp
In the life in your eyes
In the music of your soul
In the warmth of your body
And in the beauty of us together
Aug 2014 · 572
rachel Aug 2014
The trees begin to remind me of the skeletons in my closet

The sky seems to reflect the melancholia in my mind

The wind feels as comforting as an ice bath in February

The ground is as hard as the ice around my heart

The snowflakes are as fragile as my voice when I talk about it...

The icicles imitate my tears as they fall and freeze simultaneously

The moon becomes the only source of light that I can stand

This glove takes the place of your warm, soft hand
Aug 2014 · 387
Don't run red lights
rachel Aug 2014
I don't know if I'm ready
To lay down my guns and
Declare a truce

I don't know if I'm ready
To open the door for you and
Let you inside the walls

I don't know if I'm ready
For anything other than self-sufficiency

I don't know if I'm ready
To hear that not being ready isn't good enough and
That waiting isn't worth it anymore
Aug 2014 · 863
Demons and doppelgängers
rachel Aug 2014
I thought I saw you the other day
I thought that the burning feeling on the back of my neck was your stare
Watching from a seat in the Starbucks across the street

I thought I missed you the other day
I was cold and
I thought that I could just reach for you and you would be there
To hold me against your body tightly

I thought I was fine the other day
But I did see you and
I thought back to the days when you would hold my hand
When you would pull me closer

I thought I was happy the other day
The sun was shining and it hadn't rained in days
I thought I was free
But I saw you and I thought...
Aug 2014 · 2.1k
Definitely an alcoholic
rachel Aug 2014
Staring at the night sky
Drinking straight from the bottle because my sorrows are impatient
Another night in
Lonely and dark
My mind wanders
Thoughts of the universe and the insignificance of my presence
One bottle down
I gaze inside hoping to find the answer
What next?
I reach for another bottle and pop it open
All I want now is to fade away
Drift off and pretend I'm happy
I drink
And I drink
And I drink
Until not one drop remains
All in my system
Just the way I like it
And I sink
I wash away and I drift
Into the real world
Aug 2014 · 1.7k
rachel Aug 2014
Trapped in a box
Walls closing in fast
Water lapping at your ankles
Air growing thin.
You punch the glass
Your hands crash into the walls
But nothing happens
No escape
She is standing
Watching as you panic
Enjoying every second of your agony.
You close your eyes
This is all a dream
This isn't really happening
You try one more time
You pound on the glass desperately
You kick and hit and throw your body into the walls.
A small crack
It's faint but you hear it
The water is almost at your shoulders
You hit the cracked area so hard
Over and over
Until the water sprays out
And the force of the water explodes the box
And you are carried by the river.
It feels good to breathe
Your lungs are screaming
One last gasp
You climb to your feet and run
You run down the hall
Not knowing where you are going.
The last thing you remember is his face
Oh his face
His eyes
They are like water
But the kind of water that swallows you
And cradles you
But throws you with the waves
Because you can handle it
Because you are strong
You are brave
Aug 2014 · 650
rachel Aug 2014
I dream to escape reality
The sadness and the pain
The hurt and the shame
I drift off to a universe of my subconscious creation
And I enjoy my life
My life above the clouds
Away from all the ******* of society

But it seems that my dreams and my reality have melted together
I can no longer tell the difference between the two
Though, I prefer the dream land
My inner desires always come about
No complicated, confusing feelings
I can manipulate this place
There are no limits
No consequences
And that's how I like it
Can I stay?
Aug 2014 · 58.8k
rachel Aug 2014
Eyes are the windows to the soul
You can see where someone has been
How much they have seen
How many times they've been hurt
What they long for
Aug 2014 · 449
Star-speckled lovers
rachel Aug 2014
The moon and the sun
Star crossed lovers
Pulled apart by the soullessness of the norm
We complain about the sun
We ramble on about the moon
Yet we fail to understand the relationship between each
Unable to touch
To be one
But loving nonetheless
Aug 2014 · 427
rachel Aug 2014
My body is on the earth
But my head is in the clouds
My mind soars
Racing against the sun
Struggling to decipher the lights below
Where am I going

As my heart longs and my mind searches I stay
Suspended between the present and the future
A euphoric state of being
Stuck in the wrong place at the wrong time
A detriment
Aug 2014 · 365
rachel Aug 2014
Bare skin
Naked and cold

Body covered
Clothed and warm

Our clothes are walls
They are the barriers that shield us from the outside world
As long as we have our clothes on, the world can't truly see us
They hide our imperfections
Our insecurities
Our weaknesses
But in all truth
Clothes are our weakness
It takes a great deal of strength to reveal ones self to any outsider
Away from the safety of our own mirrors
We subject ourselves to another person's critical eye
Their insensitive scrutiny
And under this inspection
We stand
We stand and take it
Strength in its rawest form
In nakedness

Once we shed our clothing, we let someone else inside the walls
We submit to
Trust and
Aug 2014 · 12.7k
Electric feel
rachel Aug 2014
I yearn to feel that tingle
The slight brushing of your hand on my arm
Aug 2014 · 340
rachel Aug 2014
The flame dances to the thoughts in my head
I am cold and the flame warms me
And I stare
Into the light of the flame
If the flame from this red velvet scented candle was as big as the fire inside me
Well, it could burn a house down
It could burn MY house down
And I would be free
Free to roam
Free to move
Free to dream
Free to create the reality I choose, not the life that was giving to me
With the smoke and the ash I will climb higher and higher
And I will float with the wind
And land wherever the world wills to take me
Aug 2014 · 581
rachel Aug 2014
Sometimes I feel like I have no real inspiration
As if everything I write is tired
That it's not original
Sometimes I read my words and I don't see the purpose
I use big words to decorate my verses
But in the end there's no meaning
Maybe my work is all one big metaphor for my life
No purpose
Constantly searching for a way to make things look or sound better
Disguising the facts
The emptiness
And in my inspiration-less rut I found inspiration
The irony of it all
It strikes again
Aug 2014 · 357
Yin and yang
rachel Aug 2014
White sin
Breathe it out
Then breathe it in
I'm upset by the inequality
That this world bathes itself in
The love earth needs we lack
Destroy life to reap rewards
Weight upon our backs
Weakness breaks us
Black sang
Aug 2014 · 990
I want but I won't
rachel Aug 2014
No one on the inside understands the pain of being on the outside

The exclusion

The inclusion

It all hurts someone

There is something that hurts us all

The one thing that unites us is that we are misunderstood
Yet we misunderstand others
We fight for spots in a group as if it were a competition
Just to be happy

But my happiness shouldn't be determined by my popularity
I shouldn't be out here
Just watching
Aug 2014 · 165
Wish upon a scar
rachel Aug 2014
I wish that I could see the things that you will see
I wish that I could feel the pain that you will feel
I wish that I could show you how much you mean to me
I hope that when you finish this you'll know my love is real
Aug 2014 · 695
Free Fallin'
rachel Aug 2014
My mind is a prison
A cell that holds me
Locked inside
With no way out
Left to my own devices
Contemplating everything
This scares me

My mind is a vast field
Open and free
Beauty everywhere
In places you would least expect
Hope runs wild here
I run wild here
My heart is free
Freedom releases me

My mind is a black hole
Deep and never ending
Swirling into nothing
It ***** me in
Never let's me go
And shrinks me down
Depressing me

My mind is a machine
Creating stories and strategies
Learning to love
Structures rise from ashes
As I rise above the rest
And tell the world that it am here
That I am me

I am free.
Aug 2014 · 277
rachel Aug 2014
Water is a blanket for the drowning
A comfort while you sink
It cradles you to sleep
Your eyes fall closed
Your mind drifts away with the waves
The light burns your eyes
As you slowly awake
White everywhere
A heavenly cliche
A light and the beginning of the tunnel
The start of a new life
His presence
Warm and loving
He lifts you up and takes you with him
He saves you from the wreck
Aug 2014 · 240
rachel Aug 2014
Why is it that our harshest memories, the ones we try so hard to suppress, are the ones that we are unable to forget? These glimpses of our past, windows into our shadowy souls, stay vivid and persistent. No matter how much we try,  we cannot cage the animals or stop the flooding images from drowning our thoughts.  
      I have this one image, a face in a gray and rainy place, where my one biggest regret lies. The face creeps into my vision, casting a shadow on the rest of the world for a minute, just until I find the key and lock it back inside. The way that it, he, rushes back is what gets me. It is as if the moment is a reunion, where both of us run into each others arms and rekindle past months. But in reality, where I choose to live only a fraction of my days, we don't know each other. We never did. But yet, I feel the weight of him on me, as if I do know him, as if I bare his soul on my back. He is so heavy, and I feel that he wants me to share his life, his lies. There is just too much for one person to handle, and he has chosen me to lift him up and share the misery.
This is more of a thought; an observation.
Aug 2014 · 405
Sunset drizzles
rachel Aug 2014
Rain is falling on my left
Dark clouds hover over my head
The sun sets to my right

The ground waits longingly for the sun's touch
The sky lights up
And I walk along through the strawberry haze
Aug 2014 · 349
I drive and I thrive
rachel Aug 2014
Frost in my eyes and pain in my chest
Rev it up
The faster I go the more I feel it
The louder the engine the deeper the cuts
I enjoy it

I grin when the wind roars through the window and lands harshly on my face
The chilling whisper of the world at 8 o'clock
So dark
So cold
Below 34
Cold but not quite freezing
Mirrors my mood
Aug 2014 · 325
rachel Aug 2014
My eyes are open
I see white
White everywhere
My dress is white
My shoes are white
The sheets on the bed
But I feel like a different color
I feel red
Red for pain
Red for bloodshed
Red for love
Red for passion
I feel weak yet strong
I look down as I walk
I am ashamed
I keep my head down
No one can see into me now
My secrets are safe
I stop walking
The end of my journey is here
The beginning of a new one is a step away
I take that step and look up
I see his face
His beautiful, scarred face
What happened to him?
Where did he get those scars?
I look back down
I see my flowing white dress
I see his black tuxedo
We are opposites
In every way
My hands are warm and sticky
I look back down and see blood
Red blood
All over my hands
What's happening?!  
I look in front of me
Lying on the ground
I feel panic
I close my eyes and wish to wake up from this nightmare
I close them tightly
I refuse to open them until I am safe
Back to where I was
Where he was sitting next to me on the way home
Perfectly alive
Laughing and smiling
This place is peaceful
My reality
I feel a jolt
A shock runs through my body
My eyes focus
I feel heavy
Yet full of life
I want to wake up
And see him there
Am I ready?
My eyes flutter open
I see white
Bright lights in my face
The nightmare is gone
I feel something in my hand
I look to see what it is
He is holding my hand
Keeping me grounded
Keeping me safe
I look up to his face and begin to cry
He sees me and kisses me for a lifetime
As if we have been apart for ages
I feel his joy
I am alive
Aug 2014 · 364
rachel Aug 2014
It's not black
My soul is merely covered
A shadow
The darkness is a front
Masking the dreams and love
Waiting to explode into the world
Bursting at the seams
All I wait for is Love
But you try to fight it
The shadow is your enemy
You bomb the walls
But they stand
Stand down and accept
Aug 2014 · 230
Behind you
rachel Aug 2014
Secrets and whispers linger in the shadows
Aug 2014 · 585
rachel Aug 2014
Come get high up
With me

Try to die again
And from heaven
I can lay down
to finally rest my head

I'm melted by your touch
It haunts me as I run
And nothing slows me down
I run until I fly

Come get high up
With me
Aug 2014 · 444
rachel Aug 2014
I want to see him
I want him to see me
I want to run into him one day accidentally and i want him to look at me and recognize me
I want to see the look in his eyes
I want to see his reaction when he realizes what he lost
What he destroyed
I want him to regret
Aug 2014 · 271
Ms. Fortune
rachel Aug 2014
She always shows up at the worst of times
Telling me the bad news that I thought I would finally be able to avoid
She brings me down
Steals the hope from any and every moment of my life

She's the kind of woman who feeds off of pain
Her mouth waters at the sound of a stifled cry
She finds joy in sadness
And appropriately so
She is the drop dead devil everyone trusts
Her hair is the color of the sun
The lonely, burning hot sun who sits pretty in the sky all alone
Occupying herself with her terrorizing antics
Go home *****

Life without her is cold and dark
And beautiful
Life with her is hot and blinding
And scorching

I live with her and she lives with me
I hate every second of it
But she clings on for dear life
And I'm the kind of person who just can't say no
You're welcome.
Aug 2014 · 744
rachel Aug 2014
White and black
Black and white
Fear of love
Love if fright
Dark night sky with the moon flying high
But that's where the lines blur
Aug 2014 · 423
For you
rachel Aug 2014
I feel like I'm constantly frozen
I'm stagnant
My mind slugs along
Trudges down the corridors of my skull
There's no way out but through these finger tips
It's a long journey
Finding the best route
The best words to use
Are they going to understand what I mean?
Who the **** is 'they'?
No one reads my words but me
Well, will I know what I meant?
Aug 2014 · 417
Shower power
rachel Aug 2014
I'm sitting at the bottom of my shower feeling the cascading of the water on my face
Sometimes I pretend it's raining
And I sit there crying
Trying to convince myself that I'm fine
I let the rain hide my tears from myself

It's messed up
I know.
Don't think I don't know how messed up it is
I just need it now and then
I need to cry but I need to be convinced that I'm strong
That I can handle anything without shedding a tear
Weakness is the only thing I fear
Aug 2014 · 374
Lightening tongue
rachel Aug 2014
Sullen clouds cry for the people
Watching and fidgeting above
With the power to turn happiness to drear
They rule
How cruel
Cloud the minds of the young
Electrify the disdain of the wealthy
Strike fear into every susceptible being on the humble lands below
But don't hit me
I'm standing in an open field with nothing around me
Just don't hit me
Aug 2014 · 419
rachel Aug 2014
I was tricked
I bated
Searching for the dream that I was told about
That I was shown
Such happiness, however close to my grasp, will never be mine
Still I toil and think until I boil
Angry from the deception of a nation
Bated breath
Stolen by the greedy who need to breathe more
Who need to just breathe
Lift that guilt right out of your mind
But never from your conscience
Aug 2014 · 1.1k
Spew from a pew
rachel Aug 2014
Contra is my mantra
Walking contradiction
Comfort in contrast
Contracting the human disease day by day

Fighting hard and losing
But persisting
Resistance of assistance
Shake and bake until I'm high enough to lose my breath
Breath taking view
Atop the peaks of irresponsibility
Giving no ****
**** em
Back lash?
Bat your lashes and slither your way out of it
Who needs it when you've got the attention of all the sinners
An angel among them
Freezing in the arctic pinnacle of hell
One at a time their cold hearts freeze them from the inside
Aug 2014 · 299
Soul awaits for soul mates
rachel Aug 2014
I crave friendship

I search for anyone who may reciprocate
I attempt to connect
I always fail

Just once I hope to succeed
And find in someone the closest friend I could've ever hoped to make

I know I'll wait an eternity
No one ever steps up to the plate
Everyone is too scared to swing first
God forbid you miss
Take that ******* risk
What's there to lose?
Only something you never actually had
And if you win...

I have grown content with the notion that I will be the only one that will understand me
And even I don't fully accept myself
Tweaks here and there
Things I constantly want to fix or change or eliminate completely
Just give up and conform already


I'm not looking for tight hugs or long kisses or even loving eyes
I'm looking for a place, rather, a person to feel connected to
Is that person you?
Aug 2014 · 372
Shots fired
rachel Aug 2014
It's crazy how things build up
How quick your emotions get the better of you
After years of suppression
The depression
Closing in on you
Tighter then Joan River's face
Realer than....
What's real anymore?
No answer
It's all just so lost
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