Eyes closed, tears fall
Last night hurt me too much
Today, on my own,
How can I live out of love?
I still feel you, I still love you
I just can't reach out to touch
And it hurts me, in my heart
Knowing that you're arms can't be my crutch
Eyes low, don't look
I'm too scared to be judged
Hold me, for forever
I want, I need it so much
Kiss me harder, love me closer
Kiss my forehead, give me your touch
In love lost
Still there but
With a cost
Frayed at the ends
Kindling for the fire
Sparked by new beginnings
The smell of pine trees in the air is fresh
Fresher than a babies face as
it takes its first breath
The sky above me houses mounds of clouds but
None have cried yet; how strange.
There has been a cloud over my head for days it seems
The storm inside me washed my soul clean
But I'm still at war with this piece of myself
I walk, in part, to find peace of mind.
My feet take me deep into the forest
Where I'm faced with two paths: right or left
I can't help but think of how cliché this is and
Instead I trek through the thicket in between.
My indecision is what leads me
I never take option one, two, or even three
I make my own, yet
Here I am at a crossroads.
"Just Go Your Own Way" is easy to say
Yet here I stay
In the middle of the forest
the house next door makes me
both man and wife rise early and
go to work.
they arrive home in early evening.
they have a young boy and a girl.
by 9 p.m. all the lights in the house
the next morning both man and
wife rise early again and go to
they return in early evening.
By 9 p.m. all the lights are
the house next door makes me
the people are nice people, I
but I feel them drowning.
and I can't save them.
they are surviving.
they are not
but the price is
sometimes during the day
I will look at the house
and the house will look at
and the house will
weep, yes, it does, I
I'm scared to tell him I love him because I know that's what scares him the most
His mind is different and
His heart is so timid that
I know he will back away
Once I say
"I love you".
The minute I utter those three words and eight letters
He will shut down and wonder what's next
He will question what is expected and if he agrees
And he'll break down and hide away so no one sees
Into his soul
Or into his mind
The bumpy indecisive waves crashing inside
Pandemonium in his cranium all due to "i love you" and the obligations that society has created
Around those syllables that I spoke
With confidence and fear
Knowing that what he will hear will be more than just what I feel
But a job
A new obligation to me
A choice he had no choice in but would've come to, hopefully
After days of rational thought
Because he is rational and logical and thinks far too much.
"I love you"
It takes courage to say
It takes spontaneous trust in your heart just to explain
Someone you love
Someone you think about more than enough
Someone who has been in your mind long enough
For you to decide that they have your love
So with all of my thinking and all that being said
I know how I feel and how it will be read
I'll eventually tell him because time won't wait
I just hope that he's not too afraid
"I love you too".
I can still remember that one night
we laid on the side walk as it rained.
I remember how my heart started beating
really fast when you scooted closer and our arms touched.
I remember how your lips were chapped and your mouth
I remember the way you hugged me that night
and how happy we were at that party.
We sat in the corner, arm to arm and talked
as if no one else was there.
I remember showing you Hurt by nine inch nails
and how you told me you liked
Johnny Cash's cover better.
I remember the passion in your eyes when you were explaining why.
I remember the nervous laugh followed by a "sorry" and the crooked
smile that all went together
as if it were some sort of recipe
to make my heart speed up.
I remember the song you used to tell me
you'd sing to me
and I remember playing it in your friends garage
and I remember you smiling at me
as if you were saying "this is ours"
And I'll always remember the first time you kissed me
because your mouth was dry
and your lips were chapped
and it was 3 in the morning
and you were walking me home
and I was shivering because it was winter.
You stopped walking and grabbed my arm
I remember how I swung around to face you
and how it was like the movies.
or how the only thing to light up your
face was the orange streetlights.
I remember how once we kissed I couldn't breathe.
I thought I was being choked.
you took my breath away.
I remember how I dated a few people after you
I remember their lips being really soft
and their mouths were never dry.
I remember comparing them to you
and not knowing why.
Because I'm definitely over you.
I remember that you told me,
no matter what,
I'd always have a piece of your heart.
I think you're a really good liar.
I hear people talk about you and
I want to join the conversation and
tell them stories about the funny stuff we did
but then I remember that I was a secret.
We were a secret.
I guess it'd be dumb to tell people now.
So when people ask,
I pretend like I don't know what it
feels like to have loved and lost.
Last time it was different
I thought I was in love
I thought that he was the reason the world stayed spinning and my heart kept beating
But it wasn't him
It was what we did together that I loved
I was in love with the music
Enamored by the sunshine
But not by his eyes
Not by the way he held me
I only loved the idea of him
This time it's different
I know I am in love
Every time I see him my heart stops for a second
I can't believe how lucky I am to know him
He holds me so closely, so tightly
I feel loved
The way he smiles
As wide as he can, with his beautiful white teeth
It makes me wish the whole world could see his smile
It makes me want to make him happy every day of his life.
This time the silences aren't awkward
He knows what hurts me and what makes me laugh
He wants me to be happy
His eyes are open and honest,
Yellow-green like a cat's
He is playful and strange and fun like a kitten
But strong like a bear
He snores so loud but is so innocent when he sleeps
He holds me to his body
He keeps me warm
He runs his soft hands on my stomach even while he sleeps
It makes me wish I could have him next to me every night
He kisses me with determination
He bites my lip as if he can't get enough of me
And I can't get enough of him.
He doesn't realize his beauty
His messy hair
The curls twisting around his head, around his ears
His perfect eyebrows sitting kindly and friendly on his face
I love holding him and I love when he holds me
This time, I know I am in love with him
It is so strange to think that I was so blind. So many poems written about one when he wasn't even the one