My eyes glow tonight
Brighter than the moon
Greener than the trees
Sadder than the rain

They glow brighter tonight
With memories I stumbled upon
With pain from those days
With all the anger and hate

They glow brighter than happiness
More than when they dance with joy
More than when I smile
More than when I am happiest

They glow tonight
And show such darkness
And reveal so much pain
And extract things I buried

Your lips
Move with
Anger

Screaming
Into
My soul

You breathe in and breathe out
Stealing from my lungs

With no air and no life
I fall into your arms

So hold me with your cold hands and your dull heart in your full chest
Speak loud with your dead words and your blank eyes in your black mind

Hold me in your still soul
Hold me like its easy

It's soft and it's sinking
Like that feeling in your gut before your lips brush
Or your hands touch

It's that feeling you get when the wind caresses you
Or when it rips through your hair
Relieving your mind and ridding your soul of pain

The fear you feel when you fall
Is nothing compared to the emptiness of the blue velvet sky
The never ending darkness stretches on

It's when your mind travels so far you can't find where you began

It's the fear of looking back

It's the solemn song of trees
As the angels' tears fall

It's the booming voices calling out
And the crashing of dreams as they are thrown away

It's the rush of everything spiraling out of control

It's the silence
The still
The calm after the storm
The caress of the water as I drift off to sleep

The blue velvet

Nothing is as clean cut as black or white
Choose a side and regret it later.
Choose black
Join us in the darkness
And continue to long for the sun.
Choose white
Bask in the sunlight
Enjoy your choice for a small while
Until you get burned
Then you search with squinted eyes for the shadows you left behind.

Suburbia haunts me
It's all around
Everywhere I look I see it
Cookie cutter houses
Rich kids and their mansions
Children enjoying the innocence of their youth
As then there's me
I stand watching all of this
Running through the streets of my memory
The alleyways of my childhood
The sun turns to darkness and the shutters close
My eyes, once looking out now look in
And I see it
I see it all
Right there between pain and joy
Suspended in an ever changing state
Confused and abused
Swallowed my nothingness
Spit out by somethingness
Struggling
To stand
To breathe
To move on

The spring wind
Sang songs of life to me
And taught me to smile
At the break of the sun

The summer wind
Gave sweet things to me
And let me dream of sunshine
And I laughed to the sky

The autumn wind
Whispered words to me
And carried my heart above the trees
Only to fall with the dying leaves

The winter wind
Cried out to me
I held my breath
And watched the world die around me

The cool wind
Reached out to me
It carried my soul
And let me be joyful once again

Can we go back?
Back to the days of uniforms and recess
Soft pretzels and footsies
Joking and smiling
Loving and crying

I remember your face like it has always been
How it was that first day
We were so close to the ground yet still standing tall
Young and mindless
But I could feel it
I knew you were special
I've loved you for ages
But you never noticed

I held your hand
I made you smile
You made me dream
You made me sigh
We made each other laugh
I saw the mischievous look in your eye
I could tell you were on the verge of erupting into laughter

You made my heart sing
It's a song I haven't heard in a while
Play it for me.

Memory
A smell
A sound
A deep feeling

The way the sunlight grazes your face
The sound that the leaves make under your bare feet
The cool nagging of fall in the breeze
The slow setting of the summer sun

Walk
And just keep on walking
Until the night moves in
And your skin chills

Run
Run back home
And brace yourself
For the coming storm

Sometimes going off the edge isn't going crazy
Jumping off a building isn't always cowardice
Sometimes it's bravery, courage.

Knowing that something will catch you is security
It extracts the bravery and courage from the act
Leaving only a desire for speed
A lust for the adrenaline rush
A sudden need for attention

Falling with a safety net prevents loss
Loss doesn't always result in devastation
It can awaken you to new realizations and discoveries

Letting yourself fall without the knowledge or guarantee of being caught shows faith
Trust in the world around you
But that trust may be deceiving
Extracting all doubt from your mind
Leaving empty room to be filled by recklessness

A bored body has an active mind
The mind must compensate for the lack of work being done by the body
And a mind can conjure the world
Twisting it into a realm of one's dreams
That world can be made a reality
If only the body makes it so
The body now holds responsibility over creation, leaving the mind in the dark

The darkness is nothing to be afraid of
Unless you fear going off the edge

Everything changes
We're all so afraid of it
Change
Two becomes three and then four and then...
Sometimes we aren't expecting change
Most of the time, we don't welcome it
Personally, I am obsessed with change
I don't want to stay in one place and settle down
I want to see new places
Try new things
Hear new music
Eat new foods
Meet new people
Create new memories.
I want to come home to dinner with my parents and have new stories to tell
I want change.
Change is my best friend.
When change and I stop getting along, I'll settle down
Quite a change.
I want to finally sit down and watch everything else change while I stay in one spot
I'll let my face change from young to new.
I'll welcome old age with open arms.

Most people are afraid of old age.
The wrinkles, the sagging and the gray hair.
I refuse to age until I have accomplished my dreams
Once I have, I will sit and age.
I am not scared.
What's there to be scared about?
The wrinkles represent so much more than just age.
They represent all the years you have been breathing
All the times spent with your family watching TV on a Saturday night
The years spent running away from reality
The year you met your first love
The year they broke your heart
The year you cried every day
The year you forgot all your problems and saw the world
The year you found a job
The year you had to become an adult
The year you made a new friend
The year you and your friend spent every day together
The year you and your best friend got married
The years you spent together with your family
The years leading up to you, sitting on your porch staring at the same sky that you would stare at every night
That sky never changed.
But you will.
I will.
And I'm not afraid.

You get your picture taken
The person behind the camera says "Smile!"
So you do
They say that if you want a pretty picture you'll smile
So you do
You can show your picture to your friends and family
They'll say,
"Look at that beautiful smile!"
"You look so pretty!"
"You look so happy!"
But that's just it
You LOOK so happy
That's the thing with image
We strive to be beautiful
Thin
Graceful
****.
We think these things will bring us happiness
They don't.
They bring attention.
We are constantly under a microscope
A lens
And everything we do is picked apart piece by piece until our confidence is ripped to shreds and our eyes are raw from tears.
The expectations of the world around us are overwhelming
We are barraged on a daily basis with criticism
Ridicule
Judgement
Harassment
Ignorance
Many of us are capable of treading water until we feel it's safe to swim with the rest
But there are others who slip under the waves and no one stops to help them
No one acknowledges the struggles
The feelings
The pain
The starvation
The cuts.
Our problem is that we don't strive for happiness
Happiness for ourselves and for others
We only strive to appear happy
Many of us succeed
But few of us actually are.
Even fewer of us take the time to consider those who are pretending
Those who smile when they are told
But hurt when they close their bedroom door.

A smile is too beautiful a thing to be left empty.

Inspiration stems from connection
My connection is disconnected
Reaching towards different things and places...and people
My inspiration is cold when I'm warm
It is loneliness when all I have is company
It is comfort when I am uncomfortable
It takes me to far off places

When I drive I am liberated
My music blasts
Engulfing me
Immersed in the symphony
Speeding down a road where a million have before me
Searching helplessly
Staring into infinity
And drowning in the melody

Windows cracked
I feel the cool wind
All over me
Cold night and it comforts me
The moon is dead and I can barely see
Driving dazed and carelessly
Engine roaring ferociously
As the music flows inside of me

The wind rushes in
As if it were the water
Fighting to drown me
End me
I thrash uncontrollably
Gasping and gulping and trying to breathe
Reaching the surface finally
Coughing up inspiration violently

I am inspired by many things
But I translate my inspiration the same way every time
In the sun
In the moon
In the darkness
In the light
In black
And in white
In the sadness
And delight
In the comfort
And in the fright
In the day
And in the night

You see, I feel that contrast is beautiful
I find opposites to compliment each other so well that they belong together constantly
I feel both conflicting emotions at the same time
And they balance out
Balance is key
And I have found it within myself
Therefore I communicate as such
Balanced
Equal

When the sun goes down
all the monsters from
every shady corner
and dark alley
in my mind
close in

Sinking and sparkling // soothing
Beneath such a glinting eye
Pulling and falling with every crushing blunder
Under the thunder
Resisting // whispering
Seemingly screaming loudly in the silence
Does it make a noise if no one is there?
Carefully clashing while crestfallenly caressing
The limit // the highest and the lowest
The crest lulls // the crescent pulls
Pushing to the edge
Tug of war is an act of much more
When there's nowhere and everywhere to fall.

The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all

Some call it loneliness
I call it freedom

Those watching from a distance scoff
But burn inside with jealousy
Having to hide from the mirrors
Unable to give in to their desire to be alone
Out of fear
Not of wrath or punishment but of judgement
It is the very thing that cages us inside
Keeps us locked in
Under a watchful eye.
The fear guides us, leads us
Traps us in a corner and takes advantage of our confusion
Left with a contusion to our sense of self and a will to never feel helpless again
Therefore judgement rules our lives
We rule our lives.
We stand in our own way and displace responsibility

Time
My biggest squander
I fill my time with wishes and dreams of wander
Only to stay in the same place
I keep it in
Contained

I feed my dreams with false hope
Sustained

I refrain from admittance of my problem and therefore remain the source of my failure
In denial, undeniable creature
Self-titled preacher
Unrecognized
Pointless, "not worth the money"
feature

Penniless and breathless at the edge of no return
Looking at the possibility of happiness from the sadness in the clouds
My high hopes carried me with them as they soared to the heavens
The only glimpse of Heaven I will ever get is then
Hopefully a different fate awaits me when I land in Hell

I love sunglasses
I love that I can put them on and they shield me
But more than I love wearing them
I love taking them off
Basking in the sunlight
Taking it all in
Occasionally blinding myself for the sake of seeing the beauty
Revealing a perspective that is not caged by frames
Not dimmed by tinted lenses
But freed by the open air
The slight breeze moving through my fluttering eyelashes
Unprotected and fragile

When the sun is shining
My heart goes weak
My mind goes loose
And I am ruled by desperation

I have no thirst that needs quenching
No want for the flavor,
It's really quite putrid
I drink only to achieve a certain state
Of groggy, giddy happiness
Carefree
With low inhibitions and
High hopes
That burning in my throat that I quell with more acid
That **** is toxic
The feeling is destroying me

Reflections of lights on the restless water
Mirroring the yearning in our souls
Nomads bobbing on the surface
Optimistic but never quite satisfied
Thinking ahead but incapable of dwelling in the present

Everyone seems to feel bizarre
Unaccepted and misunderstood
But that loneliness that we find inside our souls
Is only in our heads
We all share this
And therefore we all have others on this earth that relate to us
Connect to us
We are each others' lonesome companions
Whether we have been acquainted or not
There is unity in being misfits

I laid down
He laid next to me.  
My face was in the pillow but I knew he was facing me.
I told him he was stupid
He told me I was more stupid
We battled like this
With raspy voices
Windpipes drenched in alcohol
The lingering aftermath of **** in his lungs
I could hear it in his voice.
That rasp was the most beautiful sound to me
In that moment and in every dream I've ever had of that moment.
I just never thought it would be him.

Our battle drifted off as he fell asleep
His last words were uttered in a raspy daze
"You're an idiot..."
And with that he put his arm around me, resting his hand on my arm.  
I felt warm
Cradled in the most complicated and innocent moment I've ever experienced.

I didn't fall asleep that night

It's really hard having these feelings
And being in your own way
Stopping yourself from knowing
Doing
Being.
It's debilitating
Wandering helplessly trying to find the way around the back
Trying to find how to sneak up on yourself and whack yourself across the back of the head
Escape
Seek freedom to feel however you want
Do whatever you want.
My day dreams need to become reality
They can be
I'm not asking a lot
But I get in front of myself and I talk myself onto a ledge
Convince myself that choosing to have what I want is dangerous and full of irreversible consequence
That stepping over the line is stepping over the edge of the building
The end of my world reaching towards me
Getting closer as I fall towards cold pavement

Stop.

Lift yourself up
Dust yourself off
Fix your hair and put on your mascara
Take on the world.
Get your dream
He's probably sitting in a coffee shop
Probably out somewhere carrying his camera
Hopefully he's sitting at that spot you just found at the park
He's got his sunglasses on
Holding his guitar
Cuffed jeans
Waiting.

Spineless ******* in backless dresses

Fill the halls of the prison.

I watch from my cage

Behind bars of my own creation

Fabrication

They indulge in fancy fabrics and leather bags

I'm in rags

And underneath the fabric is the skin they proudly show

Their beauty

It's only skin deep.

My rags hide me

The bars close me in

Though I don't need it,

The protection.

They really keep everyone out

That's the way I prefer

I keep myself under guard and I express only a sliver

Only a piece of myself

Displayed for everyone to see.

That’s what everyone looks for anyway

The image you show

What you look like

Substance vs. appearance

Coexistence of the two is true beauty.

But the world will see the top layer and stop looking

Fear of the unknown

“Curiosity Killed the Cat”.

So you,

Keep on window shopping

Then tell me how honest you find your friends

Your family

Your peers.

Look me in the eyes and tell me you've seen it all

Why you let yourself fall

And I'll take off my rags.

I'll prove you wrong.

I'll prove that there is more to a person than the fabric on their back

The gold on their wrist

And the smile on their face.

His lips graze the microphone and I wonder
What it would feel like to be there instead
His whispers grazing my cheek
Searching for my lips with a silent song

His hands hold his guitar upright and proud
His fingers pluck the strings with careful determination
Creating ripples in my universe
And I shiver as the thought hits me
His hands around me like I am his beloved instrument

His voice sails through the wind until it reaches my ears
It warms me
Immersing me in melodic comfort
I think about what it would be like to be his muse
To be the reason he sings

I think about how lucky I would be
About how much he deserves better than me

In more skin than clothing
This girl soared.

All the world's a stage
A plague to the man who writes the front page

Aim to entertain or deliver the facts
Try and please all or get knives in your back

No pain
No gain

Widen eyes and cause splendor among the masses
Or force them to think that they need better glasses

Report or embellish to make cinema of news
Stay honest to the truth or master the ruse

Cradle rob and plunder, set fires ablaze
Add dragons and damsels to appease the craze

Stoop to the depths of the seas miles away
Abandon integrity and let your moral compass sway

Noir
I know who you are

Hide in the darkness and love in the light
Bask in the right

Love in the wrong
Heart's a song

Beautiful but can't be held
Can't be seen in truth
White and black meld

Into a gray puddle of confusion
Chaos
Bass drops into your stomach like a stone

Electricity pulses energy through your veins
Back to the refrain
Strain

It's only recreational
Doesn't matter if it hurts
Your hands shake as your sweating and searching through your purse
Reaching out for the answer in the form of a syringe
Sit back and cringe

Push my buttons as you push down and inject
This life is so much harder for a sad reject
Pity and scorn, rustled and torn
You tremble with the treble while your simply causing trouble
I'll be there, take a double

Sunsets and upsets and broken tambourines
Fringe and smoke and dreadlocks and the setting of the scene
Take a hit with me and lean back
Then lean forward and expel
You sought blissful happiness and ended up in hell

Kaleidoscope eyes
Telescoping with time
A tumbling jumble of colors and feelings
The quivers, the shakes, the shudders and reelings
Understood by the one with a blank expression on his face
Wide and bewildered eyes caught in her's embrace
Patterns colliding with no rhyme or reason
Deceiving her reflection
Just one more act of treason
Selfishly looking on over the bridge from her perch
Not comprehending the magnitude of her worth
A girl, a child, left out in the snow
A story never left behind
Now we'll never know.

Underneath the stained tree sits the man who is claimed "free"
By those below
By those above
Out of hate
And out of dove
"**** hippies"
Peace signs in Babylon
The "unspoken language"
The solution to all the Man's problems
******* and a clenched fist
(I'll give you ONE finger and a clenched fist)

Morning
Halcyon sun
Glorious and radiant
Promising.
The future looks brighter than the sun today
It's blinding.
Step out and burn
Daylight firefight
Shot up
Relentless.
Shoot up
Apprentice
Right hand man
Left arm vein
Swirling
Coursing
Stinging
Burning.
Curtains drawn to hide the truth
Ruthless
The spotlight reveals you
Illuminating the shadiest corners of the soul
The sole reason
Hiding in the daylight
Open the door only to travel by night
No one in sight
Lurking
Slinking
Sinking hopes and crushed dreams
Prosper in the dark
Cold and dead arms hang
Lifelessly.
Long strides
Careful steps
The nighttime attacks like a thief who just pulled you into a dark alley to rob you
Not just of your money, honey.
Out of nowhere and unwelcome
Clammy hands in the eyes of defeat
Hard ground underneath
Thoughts
Creeping
Weeping
Mourning

Rolex rendered
Role extended in a ****** up world
Upside down
Raise the roof
Rock the boat
Cause a scene, I'm begging you
Reverse the morals of moguls and the lessons on possessions
Preach the truth, not the gospel
Under God's spell
Teetering on the edge of ignorance and turning a blind eye
It's as if the world is drunk and is walking the line
The line
A fine line
A fine line and we're drunk on the cheap wine they've been pouring down our throats
Get us drunk and manipulate us
Intending to **** with our minds and coax us to their side
Their side of the line
That ******* line
Between the morally correct and the morally punishable
Go to Hell!
The line that's drawn in the sand and about to be stepped over
Be the one to step over
Erase the line
Create new ones and cross them too
Continue crossing lines until the world wakes up
Make noise
Wake up the sleeping, blinding, head-in-the-sand world
Make an impression
Leave your name written on every corner of the globe
Shake hands and kiss babies
Be the modern Jesus

Set the tone
Drop like a stone to the bottom of a warm glass
Empty bottle
Full of regrets
Water ring where the answer to all life's problems rests
Ring around the pole with a ****** lace waistband full of ones
Sliding
Falling
Sinking
Drinking
Never blinking
Or breathing
Just seething
Writhing and weeping
Creeping
Touches under the swinging light
Pendulum
Back and forth
Up and down
Forward and back
In
And out.
Breathe
Pulling in
Sneaking out
Stumbling in to the closest neon cathedral
The only reliable house of worship
The only tangible faith  
Slap a *** onto the wooden bar
Arms resting on the ledge, body held up by a ****** stool
Your constant crutch
Holds you up
Knees shake
Shoulders quiver
Back shivers
Hands steady
Cigarette in one hand
And a bible in the other
Pain in desperate eyes
Smoke invading
A prayer escaping chapped lips

"Oh Lord don't let my drink run low
Let it flow
Flow forever
Don't let me taste the last drop
If so
Let that last drop be a stone in my throat
And let me choke on my salvation
Save me from it all
Amen."

Carburetors and gasoline
Driving in a puff of black smoke
Tread circles and burnt tires
Every minute or so I choke
Sizzling underneath the sun
With nothing but gray up above
The nothingness keeps me floating
In the nothingness I found true love

You're just a shade of invisible
I can see right through you
Are you even there or are you carried by the wind?
I call out your name and I hear the echo of
Empty rooms and the feelings deep within
Shudder the shutters
And make the branches creak
You're screaming but you're neverpresent
On a sleepless night streak
Upset and ****** red
Glassy eyes and shattered heart
You step back and I know this but I still reach out into the dark

Words don't mean anything anymore
They are as insignificant as each breath that you take
They mean nothing
Nothing.

You meant everything to me
Your words used to be my life
So beautiful
So true
But now
Now they fall on closed ears.
Your tongue hesitates to spit them out
You fights to steal them back before you make another mistake
At least someone cares for you

Grab your lighter and a pack of answers and run
To the edge of the white trash town we sleep in
Light one after the other and wait
Wait for me to come running or for the answers to start flowing or for God to reveal himself
I never do.
They never come.
He never does.
Draw in some more poison and spit that poison right back out at me.
In
Inhale the smoke
Damage the one ally you still have
The only thing keeping you alive
Out
Exhale the ******* that you wish you could say to yourself
But you're a coward.
That's alright
I understand
I've always understood
But your words had always made staying worth it
Not anymore
Bull-*******-****.
I've contemplated running
Hell I've even tried
But you look at me with those deep, deep blues and I stay
I stay right where I'm standing and I stare
I try to read those eyes
I can see it
The betrayal
You know your tongue has betrayed you
That ******* *****
But you won't admit to anything
Your tongue won't allow it
Your mouth only finds the strength to form around a cigarette
Burn out the life in you
Force yourself to cave
Collapse
Sacrifice for all the things you've said
For all the hurt you know I feel.
You bring me down and I bring you down
I hold you up and you, without knowing it, hold me up
The constant cycle intertwines us
I can't leave
How could I leave?
I won't and you know it
And so your words mean nothing.

Dark and looming

Symphonies creeping

My night cascading over my body

My day retreating from my heart

The warmth, with each breath, escapes me screaming

The tingling cold sets in quickly

Before my mind realizes

Before I can adapt

Completely immersed in a warm chill

A comforting darkness with only loneliness to keep me company

My thoughts are swarming and swirling around me

Protruding from every crack and chasm in my soul

Swiftly filling the spaces

Filling to the brim and I burst

Overflowing with a lust for wander

Full of wonder

Conscious
Consciously taking
And breaking

Subconscious
Subconsciously lying
And flying

Freeing and fleeing
From the hopes and despairs
Contradictions I've spared

My mind from
Inside I'm a conundrum
Slum

Streets and alleys that your mom warns you not to go down
But you go down anyway
Slinking and stinking
With the stench of up to no good
The new hood
Keep your white *** out of the darkness
Say nothin
Bring your black skin over and join the fun
Learn to run
Before the red and blue wise up
Don't let them.

Don't let me catch you
Don't let me catch you writing on the walls
Shooting up the streets
Dirtying the minds and corrupting the eyes of the young ones

I'll take it back
We will run this town
Take back what was never yours to begin with and rename it
"Heaven"

A white house
Modern with obnoxious windows catching the view of the Hollywood sign
A house in the hills.
Standing on the roof is a girl
Me?
I can't tell
Not from this far away
She is balanced right on the edge of the flat roof.
She looks over the edge and sees.
If she fell, she would feel the exhilaration
Only to crash at the bottom.
All things come to an end.

A man walks toward her.
He's not going to hurt her.
He has to much care in his step
To much love emanating from his body.
She begins to sway
Careful!
But she steadies herself.
He helps her steady herself.
A warm breeze blows it's way through their silhouettes against a California sunset
Gentle
Not enough.
They stare at each other
They talk
Then scream
She screams more
She is begging him to push her over

Why?!
Please!
Do you really want it?
Yes. I do.

He pleads with her more
Just a little bit more...
He musters up the strength to push her
She prepares herself for the rush.
One full gust of wind
One push
And she's off.
Her feet leave the ground
And she is falling.
Floating.
Is there really a difference?
He stands in relieved shock.
Awe
They maintain eye contact the whole way.
The connection makes it bearable
And equally unbearable.
She doesn't see her life as she falls
She sees him.
On her lips
All over her skin
In her hair
Around her neck
Over her shoulder
In her mind.
Her last thought before she opens her eyes...
He stands over her
Again?

Music takes me to different places
Makes me think of old faces
Spaces in between the lines I wish I had crossed
Traces of his scent lingering on my sweatshirt

It used to take me far away
Far from the cold place
The time in my life that was empty and a waste
I couldn't wait to get away

It would take me to the first summer I could drive
Blinded by the sunlight
Windows down and no one on sight
Warm air at the end of the night

Now it takes me to him
To the sweet fruit and the smoke
A haze all around us
The bass vibrating in my chest
By heart racing while he's next to me
The music taking me away; taking me with it
Everything that I feel when I'm with him excites me
The music
Oh how it reminds me

There is a constant battle between head and heart
On one hand, they are so far apart, like the sun and the moon, that their perspectives oppose each other
Conflict.
But every once in a while, the sun and the moon collide.
Can this occur between heart and mind?
When our bodies collide we will see a new light

Read between the lines...

The white fairy dust that makes all of her problems disappear
Like magic
****.
It's gone in a sniff

A single tear lands on the table
Right next to her golden credit card
The token of his love
The reward for achievements and milestones
Memories that should have been shared between father and daughter

He never noticed her.
Her face after she cried
Her runny makeup after a kiss in the rain with her boyfriend
Her curled hair as she left for the prom
Her white gown as she held her diploma and moved the tassel
He was in every picture but was never there for her
Not the way she needed

He only saw the row of straight A's on her report card every year
He handed her a new trophy
A phone
A car
A credit card.
Those straight A's were the only thing that connected her to him
Now all she can keep straight is the line of coke in front of her face

There is a certain artistry to the way that two bodies move together
Each movement is so haphazard
Both people not being able to get enough of the the other person
Graceful chaos.
The melding of heart and mind
I different kind of addiction
Adrenaline.
The way that each touch lingers long after everything calms
The way that each movement is committed to memory
I remember it all
Hips moving
Arms sliding
Hair flipping
Nails scratching.
I remember the way it felt as my fingers ran through his hair
I can still feel his scruff on my cheek
I can feel him kiss my neck
I can hear him whisper...

Time has been an innocent bystander in the collection of regrets I call my life
Time has been neither a friend nor an enemy
Until now

Time allowed me to grow
It allowed me to realize who I am
That I am a result of all the time spent on molding the glob of clay that is me

Time brought me to this point
This place in my life where I have a job
College
A promising future
Aspirations
Confidence
And Ethan.

Time has given me my life

Time has moved so slowly
It is only when I look back that I realize how quick it has all been
It isn't until now that I wish time would stop
Slow down
Change course and leave me alone

Time has given me Ethan
But time hasn't given me enough of itself
That stingy *****.
I have only a small pile of sand left with him before the hourglass is flipped and I must move on
Time will take him away from me

Time, who once was my silent acquaintance, has grown jealous of the life it has given me
Time is of the essence
And Time is my Enemy #1

I have more used plastic baggies with remnants of **** left in them than I know what to do with

We’ve gone through so many

Maybe that’s why I can’t remember anything but you…

I like having them

I smell them when I miss you because they smell like you

Because they smell like us.

I have an extra lighter with me because you always forget yours

I light it when I miss you

I touch it when the flame dies just to feel the warmth on the tip of my thumb

It reminds me of how you get a little too close 

It reminds me of your warmth.

That lighter

I love the sound it makes when I grind the gears and press down swiftly

The click and the whoosh of the flame springing to life

It takes me to nights when fireworks and stars paint the sky

It takes me to our rock in our stream in our kingdom of trees and fresh water

It takes me to the sun gleaming in your eyes

It takes me to flower-flourished fields. 

The flame takes me with it as it dances

And I dance through my memories

Tracing my steps until I find each moment we have shared

I dance until my eyes slowly close

And then I dream of you 

I dream of you and wish you were here

But this is just a dream…

I wish we could dance forever.

The island of misfit girls and boys

We struggle to be accepted 

But then ignore the ones on the same journey

The first step to being loved is to first love yourself

The second is to love others 

The third is to open your eyes and see opportunity to spread love to your world 

Go out into the world with ready hearts and open minds

Enter relationships with one goal:

To accept others as you would want others to accept you

Live by the sun and love everyone

A worn pair of Toms.
He places them carefully to the side and rolls up his jeans

I watch him carefully sit down next to me

We stare at the water for a minute with our feet dangling 

The sun is shining and setting reluctantly. 

“It’s beautiful today, don’t you think?”

He says, trying to start a conversation

I ponder for a moment

A moment too long perhaps

Then respond with a casual “yes”.

We spent hours on that dock

Talking about our families and our lives

I laughed more than I have ever laughed

We talked about music

About how music is better on vinyl that you buy from that record store you found one lonely night in December. 

I cried about life 

About goals I’ve never reached

He held my hand and cried with me 
We were alone together. 


I finally looked up from our small place on the sea and noticed the moon

It was watching quietly from its place above

There were people on the street far behind us

String lights hung above tables of outdoor restaurants 

Buses whizzing by

A ship gliding away

Embarking on journeys unknown

Or journeys ruled by routine

I felt like that ship 

Controlled by my life but not knowing what that life was, what it is or what it will be

I only hoped in that moment that he was a part of it.
I look over at his Toms

I see years of walking

Different places, many streets

Grass stains and dirt

I see a life lived fully and full of adventure

I think I’m in love.
He reaches for his Toms and begins to get up

My face falls with my heart and 
I prepare for goodbye

For the friendly eyes to look at mine for the last time

I swear to myself that I’ll remember them. 

He lends me a hand and pulls me up
He asks me if I like coffee
 and I say no 

He chuckles and takes me to a bar
We pass stumbling drunks 

A couple hooking up in a daze
College kids who are excited and too rowdy

The best parts of life outside a bar with a shamrock in the window. 

No girly drinks, no *******

We drink and we talk 

He kicks my *** in pool

Then he lets me win and buys me another drink

We stay until last call

Then we venture out 
together into the world
With our fingers intertwined

Sweaty and covered in blue chalk

We walk down the road 

Until we reach the front door of my building

I stop

I look up and consider saying goodbye

I see his eyes 


I decide to keep walking.