like a shooting star
we blazed through the night
bright, free and beautiful
for a moment
we lit up the heaven
we burn the hell
but like a shooting star
we lasted only an instant
only a glimpse
but boy did we shine

we've had some low and difficult days when we're both feels isolated. we've had plenty of teething and growing pains as we come into new phase of our relationship and try to navigate our lives together. we've had to set our pride and ego aside, and instead, choose fearlessly to try to listen better and how to express ourselves better. some of it came naturally, but of course like any other new relationship, some didn't. sometimes we do it pretty well, other times we're still learning.

there’s some vulnerability inside of me when i knew that our honeymoon phase was over. but i think there’s a treasure in that feeling, in which that we choose to stay with each other beyond the cracking images. that’s a gift to myself that we shouldn’t be scared of being ourselves and losing love. because at the end we know that we can power through it.

with this, i want to thank you for always (most of the time) leads by example and being the first one ready to improve and evolve. thank you for recognizing that as individuals, we both bring so much conditioning and learned behaviour that it takes patience and effort to work through together.

thank you for choosing love, in whatever form they may be, again and again even at the hardest point.

aku tak ingin tak berbahagia karena cinta
tapi...
bukanlah cinta bertumbuh sebagai dua?
pagi dan malam
duka dan suka
tangis dan tawa
kemudian,
datang lalu hilang

black and brown never really matched
until yet, when our eyes first met
i will raise my glass and whisper;
to our first time,
to the night our bodies are push together,
and my lipstick is all over your neck
let's dream of,
to a night full of desire, screaming "I love you"
as we set the sheet on fire
take my hand and let's give up freedom
instead we can destroy each other
again and again and again

unaware that for me,
he's the lines of a book i read every night
he is the form of warmth and comfort i've been longing my whole life
he could take me to his favorite place and hold me tight with his words,
enough for me to worry about print marks

how do i tell him that,
he is the blotch of ink on the last line of my poetry,
giving it a beginning but never an end
not now,
not ever,
because we are here
for eternity

you tell me all the ways that you love
and it chills me
to think you're thinking so much of me
while i'm still picking up the pieces
trying to breathe

i was so sore
from all the bruising that love gave me
in that aching breaking nonsense of before
broken beyond the broken of a time
before i met you

but it feels so warm when i call you baby
to call you nightly
to be calling you at all
and so comforting for me to need you so deeply
want you so freely
to let loving you be all that keeps me
warmer now
and closer than
i've ever been
to feeling so sure

darling, riddle me this;

who are you to tell me,
that i am far too underserving
to dance with the whole galaxy?

if you were a city, you’d be like Paris
a beautiful ray of lights,
with its own captivating mind

oh Paris...

you can’t describe Paris
unless you have wandered around the streets
under its rainy night

you can’t describe Paris
until you walked in a sunny park,
felt the gentle touch of the breeze upon your face
while stroking your hair

you can’t describe Paris
if you haven’t felt the atmosphere at Les Quais de Seine,
Friday night after a hard week at work

you can’t even begin to describe Paris
because it should not be described,
it should be felt

just like i can’t begin to describe
how empty my life would be
without you

this time, i learned that healing is messy,
it comes in waves
there are times that it was scary,
other times it was just plain easy
on days i would drown
other days i’d simply just float
but it’s not hopeless, nor is a myth

it’s always gonna be insane, and i still love insane

and it was just ******* honesty
that i begged you to give,
but you never could

what if there's a place out there somewhere, where i can lay my head on your chest and we would be smiling happily while watching the sun sets
or where we can dance our heart out in your living room, with that corny playlist of yours 'til we out of breath
or a place where we can stroll around the town at midnight, walking side by side while our hands interlock

what if there's a place out there somewhere for us to fall in love?

all of these love quotes,
sunsets,
love songs,
poison drinks,
midnight writings,

it's no longer your face i'm picturing
it's his;
and i don't know if it is any better

it's been a while
your cuts, they don't bleed anymore
but,
as thick as my skin now is
looking at you wearing someone else's smile still ***** me up

i know what it feels like to constantly need to be on the move
but something that i still struggle the most is,
how to not feel home-less in the process

how is it,
that when i kissed your lips
i can ******* dreams?

there are days when i thought that i had lost the only good thing in my life
flew a thousand miles away and did everything i could to get it back
little did i know,
years later,
i have found something far more valuable
i've found myself

you have no idea.

no idea of what i feel about you. of how much i care about you. of how much i think you're amazing. of how often i'm thinking about our future together. of how much you mean to me. of how much happiness you have brought into my life. of how much you make me happy and sad at the same time.

you have no idea.

no idea of how much you make me feel so alive. of the butterfly riot that takes place in my stomach when you talk to me. or when you sing a song for me. or even when you hold my hand. when you hug me. when you kiss me gently. of how much you make me scared and worried most of the times.

you have no idea.

no idea of how much you take me ups and downs. of how many lies you've said. of how much you hurt me sometimes. of how much i want to slap your face, and kiss you after that because i knew you're hurt. of how much i don't want to see you because i'm too ******. of how much i will hate you after we fought, but missing you immediately after that. of how much i want you to be my last.

you literally have no idea.

no idea of how much i want you to change, but i realized if i ask you to do so, you won't be the person i'm falling in love with from the very beginning.

you just have no idea about all that...

people always say that it really hurts at night
when the world is quiet and the loudest thunder that come striking your head is your only thought
which apparently screaming into your pillow at 3 AM is the romantic equivalent of having your heart broken

but sometimes it is also 9 in the morning
when you are standing beside the kitchen table waiting for the toast to pop up
and the smell of two espresso shots in your favorite cup makes you miss them so much until you don’t know what to do with your hands

i was a long drive
and a short trip
in your so-called way home
where you ended up leaving
because you hated being behind the wheel

you were once the ocean waves
and the forest depths
to my less lonely universe

you were also once the moon
and the sun, all in one
who did wonder in keeping me around your orbit

but little did you know
years later,
i'm no longer a speck among the stars
i am my own ******* galaxy

it’s 3 AM in the morning and my thoughts are wandering to the day when i finally meet the one that I’m going to marry

it will be Tuesday
i bet that i'll wake up 27 minutes late 'cause i spend the night before going out with my girls
i'll have too much gin and even drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend on my way home
the next morning, my head probably hurts like hell
i'll forget to put my highlighter on 'cause it's nowhere to be found
clock's ticking, i'll grab my favorite elephant heels and drive past the street
i'll stop by at my favorite coffee shop and you'll be arriving exactly 5 seconds before that
you'll open the door and hold it up for me,
i won't forget to say thank you
we'll order the same coffee and share a quick smile at the cashier
you'll smell like a sweet sunset
i'll notice your brown eyes, not knowing that i'll be looking at them everyday for the rest of my life
you'll share a bad joke to me, it is bad i must admit
but we'll laugh anyway and secretly hoping to see each other again the next day

and we will be
and the day after that
and everyday for the next two months

we will fall in love, easily
and i'll be grateful for waking up 27 minutes late that Tuesday morning

but it was crawling back to me
the words you have once said, the worst and painful ones
i came around to think that something is wrong
that has this stupid longing and some strange desire to talk to you is just wrong
that i should not have missing you - at all
then i stopped,
i did not feel it anymore

she,
who set her heart at the ocean
that long for the rushing tide and a beautiful sunset

she,
much more than just a pretty face
a warrior and survivor, who grow through what she goes through

she,
who dance with me throughout sadness, fears, joy, and heartbreak
who said "you made of gold, not bronze" in between the moves

she,
the one that make part ways unbelievably hard
who broke my heart because she left, gone for a greater good
what can i say?

spring has come and i don't think about you anymore
the way i did before
my morning coffee still taste the same,
but i could hardly feels you in it

it's nearly fall
i brought those candles home
with the hope of never to write about you ever again
or about us - about every dances we shared in the kitchen hall

i hope you're fine, because i am
i finally am...

i have survived a lot of things
i have survived from losing you
but,
i slowly lose myself too