I can't find the words to describe how I feel
I know I miss you dearly
And would love to see you again
We were never that close
But you showed me that family is everything
What life is all about
Making the most of the time you have together
And supporting the ones you love when you're secretly suffering
I remember the last time I saw you
We all knew it was the end
I can't bear to think about that day
I wish I could tell you all the amazing things I am doing
And for you to see me grow up and enjoy life
But I know you're watching over me
And I know I'll meet you again some day soon

I don't like
How those around us
Influence our behaviour
We change the words we use
How we act towards one another
And are just different
Why?
Why do we change for some people?
To please them or to keep them close by?

The love you give me
I cannot accept
I don't know how to love in return

I fear one day you will leave
That you will have had enough
Or that you meet someone new

The paranoia is winning
And I can't control it
Just leave, go on without me

I have had enough
I can't take much more
All the pain
And the voices in my head
Do I speak up and tell them how I really feel?
Or do I wear my mask
And wish I was dead?

I crave to feel something
No matter what it may be
Even if it hurts
To feel that would be better than not feeling anything at all

A small cut
One
Two
Three?
Another one won't hurt I tell myself

My legs covered in blood
I cry and scream
But at least I can feel something
Even if it is temporary

The pain passes
And the numbness returns
Until I give in to my urges once more

I don't even know how I feel
I don't know what I want
Or what I need

I am so numb
And crave to be alone
To cry myself to sleep

But here I am
I lay in your bed
Hoping to sleep and not wake up.

Through thick and thin
I'll be by your side

Through the ups and downs
I'll be there

You have my heart
No matter what

The spectrum of colour
So beautiful and full of life

Reds and purples
For danger and protection

Blues and greens
For the grass and seas

Yellows and orange
For the sun and summer

To me,
Its all a blur
I am dull as dull can be
I am filled with nothing
I am empty

Opening my eyes to the sun
beaming down across my covers
Its just another day

Turning over
I want to sleep forever
But I have to face the world

As I lay in bed alone at night
I stare to the ceiling and think

I become engulfed in emotion
and cry myself to sleep

After all,
Its just another day

Goodbye?
We never actually have proper goodbyes
We don't expect someone to walk out of our lives so suddenly
And say goodbye before or after
We just accept it
Sometimes question it
And move on

The only true goodbye is at the end of someone's life
Even then can they hear us?

siting in bed considering the positives
of taking my life
the painkillers and anti-depressants
I have been prescribed
and who knows?
maybe a cut or two wont hurt
right?
this is taking over my life
I would never wish this upon my worst enemy
but
I lay here in tears and blood
I will never understand why this wont go away and leave me
to be happy
why can I not have that?
why?

The thought of jealousy
And the paranoia
Slowly eats me up inside
Taking over me
Bit by bit

Why do we naturally judge and compare?
Natural instinct
Or to drive us to be better?

Sometimes I feel incredible
Like I have the power to do anything

That slowly fades away
Into darkness

My mind
A dark space
Filled with demons and voices

The thoughts take over me
I lose all control

And suddenly

I have no feelings
I am numb
Yet again

The pretty little pills
In a perfectly sealed package
So neat and perfect
A pale shade of pink
Control my mood
and how my day will go