how do i
tell him
i miss him
so much
more than he
will ever
know.

how do i
hold him
in my arms
so that
he knows.

how do i
not scream
from not being
able to
love
the one person
i spent
7 months
loving.

how do i
feel this
when i am
the one
who broke his
used to be
piece of my
heart.

"He said
it's just hard for him
to see you
not with him."

and that was all it took
for my heart to burn
and my eyes to sting.

i fling my hair in your face as to catch your attention
i purse my lips in an attempt to grasp a glimpse from you
i open my mouth and laugh extravagantly to boost your ego
i let my cardigan fall off my shoulder to show you i’m easy going
i spin around to lure your eyes in
i bend over to pick up your wallet that you dropped on the ground
i hand it to you with a pearly white smile and captivate your attention
i use my body in a way that it was not meant to be intended
i use my body to boost my ego while blaming other women for boosting men’s egos
i know what i am doing but i cannot stop
i want the attention my body brings me
“can’t you get attention in other ways” they ask
yes but i feel my body is the only way
and this is the problem in our society and i too am guilty

why am i left feeling angry at you
it’s like i make excuses to be angry at you
sometimes i have reason to be angry at you
but other times i am angry because i want you to fight for me
i want you to tell me to quit being angry at you
tell me i have no reason because i am the only thought in your mind
tell me i have no reason because i am the only one who matters to you
tell me i am the only one you love and care for
fill my empty voids with the words i need to hear
i am not the strong woman i tell you i am
i need to be wooed and romanticized over
i am the hopeless romantic you hoped i wasn’t
i crave flowers and kissing in the rain
i am not the low maintenance girl you believe i am
i enjoy my designer bags and fancy restaurants
i am not the independent woman you think i am
i wish for a companion and despise being alone

if you aren’t willing to love the true me,  i think i ought to let you go

the anxiety always strikes me at my most vulnerable.
when it is just my thoughts and i, in a darkened room, with no sunlight to be seen.

i am desperate for some sleep.

i used to fall asleep just fine, but now i am burdened by every angry thought that is fighting for my attention.
i try to block them all out and focus on the positive but my mind says there is no positive.

i thought i had kicked my anxiety to the curb, but instead it kicked me to the curb and now it’s dragging me to its home.
“please”, i say, “please leave me alone.”
it does not listen, it slowly drains me until i am empty in the depths of despair.
i cry out for anyone to save me but it has turned all others against me.
it tells me, “i am your only friend”, and i beg and i plead, but it is too late.
i t  has consumed me.

i have not written a word of him-
since that moment i finally (reluctantly) let you cloud my mind over what i thought was my sunshine.

i thought you were the clouds ruining my day,
however, he was the clouds, blocking the blinding light that you knew i needed most.

i realize now that you are the brightest sunlight i have ever seen.
that your constant warmth and radiance enveloping me is the most powerful illuminator i will ever have.

i used to think that tall halogen lamp added a nice touch to my living room, until i found a more modern stainless steel one to replace it with instead. and even then, i allowed a crystal chandelier to hang from my ceiling. but none of them compare to the light i found hidden behind those clouds.

occasionally, i will have a rainy day where the old clouds form again and block my view of your sunshine. on those days, i feel like drowning in a puddle of my own tears and i tend to drown you too. i form imaginary clouds to try and block you out.

yet somehow, even when the thunderstorms roll in, you manage to clear them away and give me a rainbow.

you are God's Promise to me that the sun will always shine, and no matter how hard i try to cover you up, you always will be there waiting for me.

and i will bask in the sunlight forever <3

"i miss those desert drives from the passenger side"
the music is a faint echo behind the voice of your laughter
yet you are always listening
you grab my hand and place it on the wheel
you tell me to steer from the passenger side
and its 1 am but it feels like infinite time
i could drive hours in the night with you and feel pure bliss
until the moment i step out of your car
i am hit with realization and unbelievable emotion
you drop me off with a hug and an i love you
but the second i walk away i have this urge to cry
because you remind me what love feels like
and yet i wonder how you would define our love
cause i know i would define it as a secret buried in the passenger side of your car
only to be discovered in a moment of pure bliss alone with you