i feel like a cheat
one of those girls i swore to never be
why do i play with the hands of innocent boys
why do i let myself be torn apart and tossed among them
i wilt at their feet and yet they do not water me
he pines for me and i pine after him
a classic broken fairy tale
what sort of fairy tale is this where i am weeping on the floor
why do i crave what i cannot have
"what is wrong with me" - echoes in my mind
every hour, every day
i weep for the pain i cause you
i weep for the pain i feel because of you
i wish to be the plant that thrives solely on your water
quench my thirst
distinguish the fire
feed my fairy tale

it's a good thing i don't share my writing with you
because if i did,
you'd see that
you
are the boy with the ocean eyes and
i
am not really okay.

words strung together like a necklace draped around my neck
"it was like you were the first person i wanted to see in the morning"
words paired together like my favorite pair of socks
you say we pair together in the same way

my brain cannot make sense of the past five days
why are my emotions on full display
i do not know how to control my behaviors
all i know is i'm in need of my savior

someone rescue me from this chaos, from this confusion
i am so torn, so stricken with distraught

your words mesmerize me like the reflecting light of your necklace

you were the candle in the darkened room
you were the brightest star in the sky
you gave me hope and happiness
you treated me like i was the rare diamond in the sky

my answer to all my pain was you
and i guess that was my mistake
'cause now i'm lost in the sky searching for any star
the night sky is a prison to me now - stuck
the air lingering in my bedroom is becoming a poison - ****

i am a ghost in the presence of you - unseen, forgotten, the past
you used to see me, now you see through me
why does life play with our souls
you were the only flicker i had left
but the ghost of our future let the wind knock you out
and now i continue to sit in my darkened room, staring out the window trying to find another diamond in the sky

my heart races when i see you
my thoughts become a tornado
destroying any good that stands in its way
my body trembles and my hands shake
i lose all control at the idea that i might look into your eyes again
my stomach panics and turns itself into a knot
a knot that you created when you tried to turn my world upside down
why does my body get weak in your presence
why do you have this hold on my soul
i make all efforts to pry your hands off and away yet
they always find a way back to my insides
i am a spare tire, used once and left on the track
no longer a part of that bigger picture
you left me useless now
standing in the middle of your racetrack

i want him and i want you
you miss me and you miss her
you like me and you like her
you care for me and you care for her
you love her and you want her
you see me and you understand me
you know me and you choose her

i feel like i am in a battle of untold secrets
the secrets shoot me in the heart
each enemy i stumble upon runs right through me
they don't see me for me, they see me as a place to hide
i am an open wound
slowly rotting to the core
from being shot with too many bullets to the heart
too many secrets to hide

when will this war be over