It's a deep deep despair

The feeling of losing oneself,
to find someone else.

Losing your own sanity
to maintain another's

Losing the light in your skies
to shed a little on someone else's world


Yes, im most positively lost.
roaming in the eyes of too many I hold so close

it grips my throat.

How have you managed

                                                   to break down my walls



                                 

                                   with a small plea




You have unraveled me.

All at once there was nothing to be held
but the threads of everything that I used to have,
unraveling between my fingertips

I know I have to let go
Cause threads, held onto too tight
They cut

And holding onto things already half unraveled
Like a cardigan
Or a stupid beanie
Doesn't
make
sense.

Cause these things,
half gone,
as much as I wish it could
A cardigan or a beanie

    can
no longer  

                       keep
                              me

              
                                           warm

we didn't fade
we were eternal

we just broke.

you will never stop hurting me
but i will stop letting you.








eventually.

i will bite my tongue.

in the hollow belief
that someday

it will count for something.

you asked me to think back to life before he swept me off my feet
do you really wanna know what that was like?
cause i remember it all too clearly and it was
so
empty

school days spent looking out the window
i could'nt wait to get out
i was waiting
waiting for you
nights.
online, always online.
experiencing all the cheap thrills of little windows
to empty souls
eyes watching and looking for lust
the same way i was looking for love
waiting
waiting for you.
boys
maybe i could find what i was looking for in this new
new playground
tools
i was wrong.
i kept waiting
waiting for you.
Then he came along and showed me different.
He never mistreated, never judged, never expected, his love never budged, never used, never abused, appreciated, and always waited
on me
and i never had to wait for him
and i trust him

so why am i still waiting
******* waiting on my knees
for *you

I am the biggest sinner
In loving
i became the biggest sinner.

I know all the reasons
I know all the versus
So the voices in my head need to shut up because in being a sinner i am lost

The gospel text
come find me and tell me what the hell im supposed to do
Not now, not today
I know
Help me trust
that someday he will come for me and everything will be right
and everyone will sing because he is the only thing that's right
so maybe its okay that i am so wrong
so wretched

If it is his will
it will be
and he will heal all that i have so carelessly broken

They say time heals all wounds.


            Finally the tears have fallen
                                              
           ­                              They've been so stubborn lately



                                                       ­                    Perhaps time has forgotten


                                                                                           about me.

Im afraid to fall asleep

                                                      

                                                               ­                             Im afraid to wake up


                                                              ­                                             another day

today
im finding every explanation inadequate
every consolation lacking
every kind word not nearly kind enough
every song irrelevant
and this whole "life" thing
just so **** pointless

i am so sorry
so so sorry
and i will never forgive myself for not being able to give you my everything
because all of me
every ounce of my being
is not even enough to repay every drop of your soul
that you have offered me
i cry and i cry and i just cant
i am so sorry
that my love is incapable
my heart not made big enough
to hold the half the weight you hold for me
i am a wretch
i am so flawed
i am so unworthy
of everything you have showered on me
and i want the best for you
i want you to find someone worthy
i want you to love and be loved as deeply and profoundly
but until then
i guess ill keep digging my hole in hell deeper
and be selfish just a while longer
until i decide i am too disgusting to accept anymore from you
because i am sorry
and no amount of me saying that will ever make up for the time you have
wasted on me
i only pray that i will cherish you the way you deserve
i only pray that i can love you half of what you deserve
at least
i only pray that one day you will hate me
because that is what i deserve
and not you

Don't tell me things wont change
when the seasons have moved ahead of me
Don't tell me you'll stay the same
when the faces are already a blur
Don't tell me that you will fight for this
when I never agreed to battle
Don't tell me the ***** in my court
when the only player is me
Don't tell me all these empty promises
when you dont know how to see them through
Don't tell me that you're sorry
when this is the path you chose
Don't say that you're afraid of losing me
and then toss me into the shadowy bay
The only one who's losing is me in this
and I dont know how to be okay.

the hands that hold me

with the tenderest of touch

are the hands that hold me tightest

and my soul they will crush

I'm sorry I can't be everything you wanted
After everything you have been for me
I guess all I've done is cause disappointment and hurt
This is not how love should be.
I hope one day you find better
Someone who will cherish every inch of what you can give
I hope one day you'll forgive me for being so selfish
And maybe you can learn to love me different
And we can start anew
And maybe I'm just being naive
But please don't doubt that I have loved you

how dare i
be transparent
that is for the weak
my heart knows of no anguish
pain and sorrow are for the meek
so just go, leave, it's okay
don't turn to search for tears
surely there will be nothing
left here for you to take

Isnt it a little funny
that we love each other in equal measure
but you couldnt be ****** to tell me when it mattered.
Isnt it funny
how you were cold and cool while i was running in circles
desperately searching for your heart full of love
ready to embrace
but never did.

Isnt it funny how now i am someone else's.

Isnt it so funny
how you waltz in and out of my life as you please
******* with my emotions and whispering sweet nothings that are
MY EVERYTHING
What i live for
I love for you and you alone and now i cant ******* admit it to the world
So i stare at a screen and talk to it like my only confidante because YOU
you ******* missed your chance and now
i am forced
to give you another one

cause i ******* love you and cant let you go

I wish it were my fault

then maybe i'd have something to change

I wish it were my fault

then maybe i could have something to repent for

I wish it were my fault

then maybe i could feel anything but this stinking sense of
uselessness

I wish it were my fault

Because right now things have fallen through my fingers
and i cant stop it
and i cant breathe
and i cant stop it
and i am lost
and i just cant ******* stop it

and i am not okay

is it my fault
that my body and soul dont fit?
dysfunctional
two hands that dont grip
holding onto each other for dear life

dont look at me
i cant handle the thoughts that pierce through your eyes
youll never tell me
but they stick to my back like a sign that screams for people to
laugh

laugh at me
i can hear all of it
even if your mouth never uttered a sound

let me curl up
let me try for once
the only way i know how
to be small
to be me
because i am small

how much more must i scream just so i can be invisible

If only you could see
how
    much
                
            you've


br
      o
            
k
e
      n


                         me.

I have fallen deeply
madly
for you

But im not ready to be in love with you

Ive suffered
sleepless nights
guilt
scratching at the doors of my being
begging to be let in
then eating me from inside out chewing away at my flesh and leaving me
dry

for you.

Ive had the conversations to be had
laughed way too many times
watched our lives blow away with the cigarette smoke of our youth
watched you sleep in my arms
lay down in sin
beside you
i believe what you say because i hang on to the sound
the sound of our beings and our lives
colliding sending aches piercing clean through my heart  
what am i left with

what the **** am i doing.

Im in love with you,
but i never should have fallen.

find me.
when i cant find myself