I’ve tasted galaxies of life
And death
And sorrows past feeling.
Of joy without limit
And the doubting of self.

I’ve drunk rivers of peace
And oceans of boundless wonder.

I’ve breathed in clouds of self-pity
And enjoyed the smells of meadows
Filled with unending mystery.

But I’m not you.
I will never be like you.

And even when our souls do
Touch.
I feel more distant when we part
Than before we met.

But you feel fulfilled,
Enlightened even.
Like I’m just another self-help book
On your shelf of past experiences.

Like I’m a pass or fail college course
You can take in eight weeks
And forget about in three.

So I cover my scars with a cloak of shame
As they spread down my twisted back.
And I hide my broken tears
In the lyrics I sing to the world.

You sing along,
Calling my suffering, “art” and saying,

“It’s beautiful.”

“I wish I could write like that.”

“It makes me want to cry.”

If you knew what it cost,
To create the art you marvel at,
You’d draw your eyes anywhere else.

The beauty you see
Is the mask worn by the fallen angel of who I am.

If you could write like I write,
You’d cry tears
You could never take back.

I wish you never have to cry the tears
I’ve cried.

And I’d cry them again
If it meant saving you
From it all.

But even then, inside of me,
I feel the rusted inner-turmoil of a Saint who killed his god.
Who can’t get over the death,
Cause it was a senseless pleasure ******
Disguised as a mercy killing.

All else died on that day,
The day his god died.

And I can taste,
The ever-running-tears from the Saint’s face,
As I hold it next to mine,
And I wish he could forget
When his god died.

But then,
I wish you suffered
Like I did-

Honestly,
I wish you suffered worse than I did.

Because I’m tired.
I’m so tired.
Cause every bed is a bed of thin needles.
So I stand and bite down on my hand
So the blood distracts me from my failing heart.
But when I grow tired of even that,
And the blood dries,
I’m left with a swollen, teeth-marked palm
And a heart struggling to even gasp.

Then I remember your worth,
And take back the tar-smeared words I never said to you,
And put out the livid torch with my fingers.
Because I love-
I love you more,
Than I could ever love myself.

I don’t want your worship.
I don’t want your devotion.
I don’t want servitude,
Glory,
Or praise.

You know this.

So you whisper synthetic prayers in my ear
And I accept them like I’m God.

But I’m the unknowing sacrifice
You have no right to give.

I’m a chipped star’s shard,
Hurtling from heaven,
Suspended in space,
Just as much as I’m falling.

My destination never arrives
Because condemnation is directionless.

So you hold me in your palm
And worship my beauty when there’s none,
My genius of nothing,
My empty purpose of being,
Because you know it
Better than I ever could.

Soothsaying sentences sung
Under moons; shining constellations.
Beyond shallow shores of unsold stories,
Lie sun-soaked shadows;
The sinking sensations of separation.
Stay inside the safety of the stars,
But pray for slow-burning scars.

All I’m left with
Is the shadow of your silhouette,
And it’s not enough.
Cause I remember having all of you.
And all of you
Was all I wanted.
But you’re gone now
And you’re not coming back.

I love you.

I don’t know who you are,
but I know you’re reading this.
I know it hurts and I know that it feels endless.
I know “hurts” is the wrong word, because you’re dying.
You feel like you already died.
Because you can’t accept that you’re living,
Because living is hell.

I won’t tell you it’ll get better.
I won’t tell you you’ll be alright.
Because you may never be better,
You may never be alright.

What I will say,

Is that I know what you’re going through
And that I love you for it.

Is that you are infinitely beautiful,
No matter what others say or how they look at you.

Is that your value is greater than the entire universe.

Is that you are the strongest person I know,
Because no one has ever fought as hard as you have.

Is that I would die for your happiness,
Because it kills me to see you suffer.

Don’t give up,
Even if you already have.
Because You are the reason that I’m alive.

Love,
A Survivor like you.