2013,
This is for you.

The year started out in hell.
There was family drama,
Fights,
Court dates,
And DSS.
Then you kinda leveled out.
I met a boy,
Named Devin,
And he ran my world.
I discovered and came to terms with something,
During that time I was with Devin.
I came to terms with the fact that I liked girls too.
I came out to him,
And my closest friends,
And then eventually my mom.
Not everyone liked it.
All year I had been taking stick pins to my skin,
And making little scratch marks.
After that,
I moved to razors.
I had always had anxiety,
But I would have 3 attacks,
Within the span of a day.
At school,
I got bullied,
And beat up.
At many points during the year,
I wanted tp end my life,
But I didn't.
I'm still here.
Almost at the end of the year,
I started dating my bestie from 4th grade,
Named Katlyn,
But then things spiraled out of control.
Life is still hell,
But things are getting better,
Im starting to pick up the pieces.
I hated 2013 with a passion,
But I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world,
Because its the year I became me.

A pick here,
And a pick there,
Before I know it,
I'm bleeding,
Then there's a scab.

A spot on the floor,
I have to make it clean.

A hair out of place,
It has to be moved.

Books out of order,
Movies not alphabetized,
Shirts not color coded in the closet,
Shoes not put in a perfect line,
A messy binder...

These things drive me insane.
Simple things that normal people dont care about,
Or just look over,
A sentence not beginning with a capital letter,
Or not having any punctuation at the end.
They make me tick.

They say I have a thing called OCD.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder,
I don't have a disorder,
I just want things neat,
Organized,
And clean.

Is there something wrong with that?

Can you hear me?
Im screaming.
Fool, I need you,
Come back.
Remove those thoughts from your head.
Shut your mouth boy,
You're talking nonsense.
You're loved,
And wanted.
Boy you saved me.
And not only me,
But so many people,
And now its my time to save you.
Its my turn to be the hero,
My turn to be superman.
You can be the damsel in distress,
And I can be the one who takes you away from it all.
Honey just be quiet.
Sit back and relax.
Lets turn this nightmare into a fairy tale.

Would you hate me?
Because I think you would.
Can I trust you enough,
With something so important to me?
You would leave me,
You would treat me different,
Everything would change...
But I'm telling you anyways,
I'm gay.

I want to leave this place.
Get out and see the world.
I have a burning haste,
To get out and see the world.

Im stuck in this small town,
And I want to leave.
It suffocating, and pushing me down,
I want to leave.

There are places to go,
I need to go now.
There are plenty of shows,
And I need to go now.

But Im stuck in this small town,
And for now,
Im not going anywhere.

Ghosts haunt this empty house.
A little girl,
Searching every room,
And running through the halls,
Looking for her dad,
Waiting for him to come home.
Lingering around,
She can't understand.
Shes just a child.
Lost.
She doesn't know whats going on,
Only that shes alone.
Strange people living in her house,
They just ignore her,
Like she isn't even there.
Their child,
A little girl too,
Screams every time she sees her,
Like shes some kind of monster.
The little girl screams "ghost!",
Ghost?
Shes not a ghost.
Shes just a lost little girl,
Who wants her dad,
And someone to love her.
No one ever thought about how the ghost girl feels.

We were meant to be friends.
Little did I know,
When I saw that little weird,
And awkward,
And antisocial kid,
Sitting on the bus back in 7th grade,
Listening to his music,
That he would turn about to be my brother.
A guy that I love to death,
And owe my life to.

"Holiday Cheer"
A foreign concept to me.
For me,
And the family I live in,
There is not such thing as holiday cheer.
There is the holiday curse for us.
The holidays for us are not a happy time.
There is drama,
And fighting,
Cops occasionally,
And someone always ends up in the hospital.
Its not a one time thing,
That happened last year,
And that's all,
This is my 17th time going through the holidays,
And maybe the first 4 were all that had that,
"Holiday Cheer",
But after that,
It was all downhill.
Holiday cheer is for families,
True families who love each other.
I don't have a family.
I have a ******* soap opera.
Two days til Thanksgiving,
Let the games begin.

I read our old messages,
And it sends my emotions spiraling down,
Into the depths of hell.
I miss you,
But you're a *****,
And a *****.
I swear,
Gay relationship are 20 times more complicated than straight ones,
Just saying.

maybe she just has a thing for older guys.
it doesn't make her strange...just different.
but maybe she's just a kid with daddy issues
waiting for some guy to fill that spot
and looking in all the wrong places.*

Fathers: Take care of your daughters.

I'm done with her,
and I'm done with him.
I'm done with you,
and I'm done with me.
I'm done with school,
and I'm done with work.
Yet here I am.
"What are you talking about honey? You've just began."

It seems as if I don't know how to coin a poem unless my soul is being tortured in one way or another.
**** someone get me out of this god forsaken bathtub. My heart is bleeding purple ink, my skin has turned to paper.
Let me cry a stream of poems to save myself from dehydration.

You picked up the bottle again because of me.
You cut again because of me.
You found love, no...lust, only a lover in all the wrong places because of me.
I ran away because of you.
I was scared to face life because of you.
I was, no...am blaming you but only because of my own stupidity and love for you.
He picked up a blade again because of me because I picked up a blade again because of you picking up the blade again.
Let's all throw the blades to the ground.
Shatter the liquor bottles.
Let our tears flow and talk...
And maybe we'll have a little less blood around here
And little more understanding.
If not you might as well keep the blade and down another shot.

I don’t fight to stay alive. I fight to function.
I fight for those who need me, for those who would blame themselves.
I fight for those good days.
The ones where my body is my friend.
The memories I can make on those days are the ones that keep me going.

He's one of my bestfriends,
And has been for years.
I love him to death,
He's like my brother.
Tonight I think I broke my brothers heart.
He said,
"*****, I'll cut you."
Jokingly,
A light-hearted conversation we had going there.
I responded with,
"Why would you cut me? Don't you think I do enough of that myself?"
After I had sent the message I wanted to take it back,
But I couldn't.
He sat there for 10 minutes without replying,
And then finally said,
"I thought you had stopped doing that..."
I had stopped,
For a while,
But I keep relapsing.
I tried to explain how I was trying to stop,
That it was just hard,
And these things took time.
He called me up,
And was crying.
He said,
"Please dont die."
I asked him what he was talking about.
I told him to calm down.
He responded with,
"How can I calm down,
At a moment like this?
How can I stop crying when my big sister,
A girl I love to death,
Hates herself to the point that she does that?
How can I stop when I know that every time you do that,
Theres a chance of you not waking up in the morning?
How can I calm down,
How can I not worry,
When you're the one who got me through that,
And I cant get you through it?"
By that point in the conversation,
I was crying so hard that I couldn't breathe.
And then he said,
"Please don't die.
I love you too much.
I'd miss you too much.
I'd go back,
To what you're doing now,
Or I would die too.
So please dont die."

What he said tonight opened my eyes.
Its a scary thought...
What I'm doing,
It doesn't just cause pain to me,
It causes pain to the ones I love,
And it risks losing all of them in the process.

The night I kissed you for the first time you shoved my lips to yours like I was a drop of water and you were burning in hell, which is where I can imagine later you shall be. You were forceful, driven by your **** with all the blood in your bottom head instead of where it should be, your brain. Sometimes I wonder if you ever wonder what life would be like if that night wouldn't have happened. If you ever contemplate where you would be now if you would have listened to the words from my mouth repeat over and over that night you first kissed, "NO". I wonder if you ever think about the first time you kissed, the first time you went farther than you should have, the time you went past my boundries when my words of "no", my cries and screams, kicking and punching didnt seem to sink in that I wasnt enjoying myself and that I DIDN'T want to do THAT. Or I wonder if you sit there and contemplate the other girls, the ones who sit here just like me, perhaps writing poems about the guy who went too far when they were just a young a girl, the ones who took years before they would finally admit what happened, the ones who were in denial, the ones who blamed themselves forever thinking they were "asking for it". I wonder if you sit in your cell and think about the first night you kissed, us.

All life is
Is a nonchalant death trap.

He took my black heart
Dipped it in red blood
And turned it white as snow
But my snow is tainted
Yet I ask to be dipped in that blood
On a daily basis
As my heart continues to blacken.

When you're up on stage,
It's like time slows.
Your breathing is more focused,
Your heart beats a little faster.
You go out there and own it and do your very best,
Because there's no point in embarrassing yourself,
With a little pity thing called fear.
The rush of adrenaline pours over you,
And like that you're addicted.
You crave the curtain opening,
And the applause at the end.
Your heart drops when you miss a line,
Or fumble on a word.
The stage becomes your life,
And consumes you,
As if acting was a drug.

If gay people are called fairies,
Can we start calling small, winged, magical creatures, gay?

Something that always seems so welcoming,
But has the bedside manner of an old hag.
Death,
Where is your southern hospitality?
Did you leave it back home,
Were you take your hostages,
Heaven or hell?
You come in a long black cloak,
A face masked by shadows,
Shadows that come from no where,
Nothing to cast them.
You crawl on the walls,
And on the ceiling.
You sit in the upper right corner.
You hide among the trees as your victim drives along the road,
And then...
Crash,
Another one added to your collection.
You're the monster under the bed,
The thing that children fear,
You **** the youth from them.
I have seen you many times.
Without question,
I'm sure its you.
With each time,
I prepare to say goodbye.
But then something changes,
There's a man...
I dont see him often,
Only on special occasions,
And even then,
Just briefly.
I see him nod to me on the side of the road,
Or give me a thumbs up when I walking down the street.
I see you,
Then I see him,
And then you're gone.
But only to return again.
Its not my time now,
But one day it will be.
One day I will see you,
And no longer see that man,
And then that will be the end.
It will be my time.
Something that happens to every person,
But not everyone chooses to accept.

At least you get to ******* see her.
You take her love for ******* granted.
While I'm being ******* ignored.

Even if your pen is at rest for 5 years
Dont pick it up and force the flow of words through the ink
Because in that moment you have taken a skill and a work of art and turned it into a mediocre chore.

You know you're in it deep
When 500 calories a day
Seems like too much to even contemplate.

When you see the number on the scale
Going down continuously
But the reflection in the mirror
Widening.

First your eating is disordered
Then you have what they call an eating disorder
And then there's no eating to it.

You know you're in it deep
When you sit down to a meal
With your family
And you break into tears.

And nobody can even tell.

There's this girl I know,
With the prettiest hair,
Hair as white as snow.
Shes tall,
With green eyes,
She hasn't a clue at all.
She wears sleeves,
And when I ask her why,
She just turns, and leaves.
One day in the locker room,
I saw a hint of leg,
And my heart filled with doom.
Her leg was red,
Marked with pain,
Leading her to her death bed.
I ran up to her,
And gave her a hug,
She had to be safe, that I was sure.
She pushed me away,
Confused and scared.
And then I showed her something that put her confusion at bay.
I lifted up my pant,
And she said "Oh please stop, dont do that."
And I whispered "I cant."
"But you're so pretty,
I would love to be like you,
Its such a pity."
I looked at her with dumb struck eyes,
Was this girl blind?
She must be telling lies.
I told her to take her own advice,
And take a step back,
But she said her life was on the roll of a dice.
There's this girl I know,
With the kind and troubled heart,
She lives her life, as if she was in a show.
Its fake,
But shes alive,
And thats something I must take.
For if not,
I would die,
And cry, a lot.
So to this girl that I know,
With the green eyes,
And the hair as white as snow.
Take a step back,
And look at what you have,
Instead of what you lack.
Look at what you have,
You have a friend like me,
One who will be your other half.

Darling put down that knife,
Take the razor from your mind,
And quit dreaming of a noose.
You're better than that.
I love you,
And you should love yourself,
Just as much,
If not more than I do.
Honey flush those pills,
And never pick them up again.
Throw out the scales,
You dont need them.
Along with that nagging voice in the back of your head,
The one that's driving you closer and closer to the cliff,
The one that keeps telling you you're less than,
Or not good enough.
Because you are.
You are good enough.
You are beautiful,
And I wish you could see that.
But whenever you feel like all is lost,
And your heart beat goes a mile a minute,
Then you feel those walls closing in on you,
Just take a breath.
Look up at the stars,
And clear your mind.
Think of me,
Think of the things that I am saying to you right now.
Because I love you,
And its all worth it.
I know you dont really believe me,
And you dont have to,
I just want you to listen to what I'm saying.
I know how bad it is,
To hate yourself so much that you just cant.
But there comes a day,
When someone shows you the light,
And you cross the bridge to the other side,
And the other side is beautiful.
Its full of hope and love.
No judgement,
No caring.
A person took me to the other side,
Into the light,
And it was one of the most terrifying things ever.
But now that I'm here,
Its worth it.
And now I've come,
To show you the light,
Even in some of the darkest times.
And lead you across that bridge,
To happiness.
It gets better,
It really does.
I love you.

Pass me a cigarette
I'd like to let you leave my mind
Along with all the regret
And memories of you
That make my heart fret
To ever love again.
So darlin, pass me a cigarette.

So many words flowing through my head...
How can they translate,
And flow,
Into a beautiful creation,
Such as a poem.

I write many poems,
When I talk,
The words flow out,
So beautiful,
Like poetry,
Like a true poet.
But,
Then when they go to paper,
They're clumsy as ****,
They don't make sense.
They're just like my mind.

I wrote one poem,
Earlier today,
That I really wanted to share.
But its so sad,
And depressing.
It would cause people to worry,
Theres no need to worry.
My words are great,
My poetry is fine,
And my mind is destroyed.

It's times like this when I curse my body for being broken.
Why if my body is made to carry a child can I not reproduce?
When I have a child laying in my arms, looking up at me with those big blue eyes its breaks my heart.
My body will never be able to make a masterpiece such as this.

I think that
Writing a poem is hard.
Maybe not just
A few words
On a few lines
But a masterpiece
Of your soul
Transformed into words
Called a poem
That transformation is hard
But oh they say
Poetry is easy
Anyone can write a poem
But few can write it in
The ink
That their soul bleeds.

There lies a sixteen year old ******* the floor
The life slowly fading from her cheeks
Her chest no longer rising and falling in a sine.
Her mother walks in only to find her daughter took the oath of self destruction.
The screams of pure terror signal her husband who approaches the scene with no words.
Trying to assess the chaos around him, he spots a small note sitting on the corner of her bed.
With shaking hands he picks it up and begins to read the last words of his daughter on the blood stained paper.
"To Mom and Dad: I love you both dearly but I couldn't stay. I couldn't stand it any longer. The inside now matches the out. I was already gone, dead inside. I hate for you to see me like this. Just know that I'm happier now. I'm at peace, resting in peace. Please don't cry, please don't be sad. I look forward to the day in which I see your smiling faces and you once again see mine. I'll see you up in paradise. I love you. All 3 of you... I'm sorry."
Her father drops the note as his legs fall out from under him
Waves of horror flood his mind follows by shock sinking his emotions
Confusion followd by tears overwealmed him.
He internally demanded to know where he had went wrong instantly blaming himself.
And when he lost his little girl.
She was his whole world, the center of his universe.
But now his world was gone, his bright and shining star collapsed on itself.
It was still there but only physically.
Pale and gray. The only color being the red oozing from slits that covered its arms and legs.
His universe had been destroyed, seemingly strong but as fragile as glass
It shattered into a million pieces
No wishing or praying could ever put theose pieces back together.
In a hopeless despair he sat with his wife clutched in his arms and they cried an endless waterfall of tears.

Why would I expect anything different this time around,
From the girl who drove my heart into the ground,
And left my sanity nowhere to be found,
With my mind ******* and bound
To the memory of the sound
Of the way her heart pounds.

She is my my drug.
She is my liquid courage,
And my ******.
Someone as bad for my soul as
A blade is for my skin
And yet her
And all these things are addictive
Took me captive
But I don't want to be set free.
Yet I have...

I beg your pardon,
I never promised you a rose garden,
Now let your heart un-harden,
Before you again beg my pardon.

To be honest :
I'm lying through my teeth
I'm choking on my spit
I'm drowning in my words
And I'm about to slip
"Like an avalanche coming down the mountain"

Do not speak,
Do not say its name,
For it is cursed.
It is evil,
Do not even mutter part.
No M...
A...
C...
Shh.
Leave this place.
Or shut your mouth...
Idiot.
Beth.

Another coat of paint won't rid theses walls of all the sin they've seen.

I am human.
You cannot control me.
This cannot control me.
I am more than just a label.
Labels do not run my life.
When you think of me,
Why must you be so shallow?
Am I not human?
The only thing that comes to mind…
Gay.
I am gay,
But that is not all I am.
When you describe a straight person,
What do you use?
Beautiful?
Smart?
Funny?
You never describe them with straight,
Then why do you describe me with gay?
Am I not beautiful?
Am I not smart?
Am I not funny?
Can I not be those things too?
Or am I just gay?
Is that all I am to you?
Gay?
A label?
A three lettered word?
Because I’m not.
I am a girl.
And,
I am human,
Just like you.

One day,
I'll be old and crazy.
By then,
My body will have surely outlived my mind,
For petes sake,
Its half gone now.
But I'll still be writing.
Probably about how crazy the new technology is,
Or how many angry cats I must have had as a kid,
Because they left marks all over me.
Damnded cats.
At least by then,
My mind will be gone,
And I wont remember this time.
Ignorant and bliss.
Old and bat **** crazy.

Im not worth the pain I put people through.  
Its like my subconscious thinks its some sick joke.

Do you ever get the feeling while
you're riding down the road
To fly open the door like a child
To be smashed like a toad?

The light that was hope at the end of the tunnel,
It just got blew out by Satan himself.

I have a friend named ED.
ED is one of those friends that stick around for a lifetime,
The back stabbing friend,
Who eventually kills you.
ED is my friend,
And he's a friend to many.
Hes a friend of your mind,
A friend of your stomach,
A friend of skinny,
And an enemy of food.
My friend ED,
He will be around for a lifetime.
However long that life is,
Depends on how strong ED becomes.

"But she was so beautiful."
They say.
Do tell,
Do you find the dead attractive?
Because when she was breathing,
Alive,
And living,
Apparently she was ugly.
She was fat,
And she was a *****.
But no.
Now that's shes dead shes beautiful?
Its the same shell.
The one you called fat,
You were just talking to her body,
And not her soul.
She was already dead inside.
So,
If shes dead,
Both physically and mentally now,
And shes beautiful,
Then why,
When she was just mentally dead,
Was she ugly,
Or fat,
Or a *****?
Apparently the dead are attractive,
You seem to think so.

"Trust in The Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding"*

I consider myself a rational person
And as the label mentions
A rational person
Rationalizes.
I tend to get confused
The state of mind over matter
And question existence
And panic.
Thoughts invade
Conquer
And rule
My every member.
But within my panic
I stop
And pick up a book
And turn to
Proverbs
3:5
And like that
My mind rationalizes
Safeness
In my saviors arms.

When you look in the mirror,
What do you see?
You see you,
Correct?
Well I dont.
I see me,
But its uncomfortable.
And then my mom holds up a dress,
And tells me how pretty I would be in it...
When all I crave is blue jeans and a button up.
I dont want to wear a dress,
Or heels,
Or have my hair in perfect order.
I want my hair short,
To where I dont have to mess with it.
I dont want to be "pretty".
It makes me feel weird,
It doesn't feel like me.
I dont want to be a guy,
But I wonder what its like.
I would never use "feminine" as a word to describe me,
But I'm not a man,
And I'm not a "****".
I dont like the me that I see in the mirror.