When you're sixteen you have the illusion that your invincible, that life never ends and you cant be touched, a weak since of morality. But the fact is, everyone's being is riding on a pulse. Death is inconsiderate of age, no matter if he was only sixteen and the other only eighteen.

I hope you're up there playing football with the pros, you used to tell me that was your dream,
before you passed...at only sixteen.

The day I first met you,
Is a day I will never forget.
I was 10 years old.
Even then I thought that you were beautiful.
I was the new girl.
The teacher told me to go sit down beside of a little girl,
With sandy blonde hair.
The teacher knew she was the only one who would be nice to me,
After all,
Who wanted to be friends with the new kid?
Apparently she did.
I got to know her,
And soon she became my best friend.
I made a promise to her that we would be friends forever,
No matter what.
We were friends for a little while after,
But then something changed.
That something was me.
We hit middle school,
And all of a sudden I was too good for her.
I ignored her,
And when she'd come my way,
I'd turn and walk in the opposite direction.
This I regret,
She did nothing to me,
And I treated her like garbage.
The girl,
The only girl in fact,
Who was nice to me then.
After middle school ended,
I had a change of person.
I left everyone,
And was homeschooled for a year.
I found myself that year.
I also found out that it was ok,
Ok to accept myself,
And be me.
I came back this school year,
5 years after we first met,
And something happened.
I fell in love with a girl,
For the very first time.
I tried to ignore,
And deny it,
Even though I already knew what I was.
She is in my English class,
I sit beside her,
And every day I feel that we get a little bit closer.
Nearly a month ago,
She told me that she liked me,
I told her I felt the same,
And then before I knew it,
We were dating.
She was my girlfriend.
My old bestfriend,
The one who as a child I thought was beautiful,
Is now my girlfriend.
She seems to love me,
I catch her every now and again just smiling at me,
I look up and smile back.
We hold hands,
And hug,
And say I love you...
But as teenage girls,
That's typical behavior.
I want to be out,
With my girlfriend,
And not be shamed.
She says she loves how I express myself....
How is that so,
When I cant even express how I love her?
I'm stuck,
Kissing and loving her,
In private.
But,
At least shes mine.
This is the story of how I fell in love with my bestfriend from 4th grade.
This is the story of my girl.
This is the story of us.

What evil sin did I commit
To deserve this Hell?

What does it mean to be a human?
Is it a physical thing?
It must be more than that.
Emotional?
Religious, maybe?
Because if we are human,
Why aren't we all treated equally?
If you're such a Christian,
What happened to love your neighbor?
Or judge not less ye be judged?
Why must you treat people,
Living human beings,
Like any less than human...
Just because they're different?
Because they don't do what you do,
Or believe the same things as you?
It doesn't give you the right to treat them like ****.
You dont run the world.
There are 7 billion people in the world,
Do you really expect 7 billion people to believe,
And do the same things you do,
And live the life that you do?
Thats just absurd.
Be a little open,
Hate a little less,
And maybe you'll finally see the world as its meant to be seen...
God's beautiful creation,
And all the people in it,
We were all created by God.
Don't hate His creations,
Just because He made them different than He made you.
Love,
Love is all we need.
God loves all His children.
Why can't you?

I regret a lot of things,
But the thing I regret the most is letting her go.
Having her in my hands,
And releasing her,
Letting her slip away.
Because I was afraid of the oppression,
And hate,
That might come,
If I was to call that pretty little,
Tom boy girl,
With the brown hair and the green eyes,
"mine".

At the first touch of our lips,
My world crumbled around me.
I felt like I was on cloud nine.
Then she kissed me again...
It was so exhilarating.
I finally felt that spark in the kiss that everyone talks about.
Then before I knew it,
I was against the wall.
She kissed me again,
And then we both giggled.
Then she moved away from my lips,
She kissed my face,
And then my neck.
My body felt like electricity had just gone through it,
And I nearly melted to the floor.
I made her stop and I pulled away,
Even though I didn't want to.

"Why are you wearing a sweater?
Its the middle of July,
Aren't you hot in that?
Take that off.
And why are you wearing jeans?
You're gonna die of heat stroke.
Go put on some shorts."

Why am I wearing so much clothing?
Because I'm afraid.
I don't want to show my scars,
But more than I don't want to show my scars,
I don't want to show my cuts.
The new ones,
The ones that haven't an excuse.

Yes I'm hot.
I feel like I'm in hell.
I feel like I'm melting,
But at least the outside matches now,
Matches what I feel on the inside.

Take it off?
Take it off?!
Hell no.
There aint no way you're getting this off of me.
I'm hiding,
And I want to stay hidden.

I'm gonna die of heatstroke?
You mean it?
You really mean it?
If only...
Hang on,
Let me get another sweater then.

I'm not putting on shorts,
I'm not taking off this sweater.
You're not going to see me,
Not like this.

I'm losing my mind,
I've gone mad.
Assuming I was ever sain to start with.

Im okay...  
      fine,
      alright,
      good,
      lying.

    not
Im ^ okay...

How can I fake a smile,
Like its the easiest thing in the world?
Make everything look normal,
And natural,
When within the walls of my mind,
Ive already dissed myself a million times.

Before the exams....
Idreline and stress!!

The people I owe my life to,
I cant possibly thank you enough.

My life is a joke.
I'm the person on stage,
Making a fool of myself,
And people are laughing,
And enjoying it.
The only problem is,
I'm not doing it on purpose.
I'm just that much of a fool,
A clutz,
That my life is a joke,
Meant for others entertainment.

How can I chase my dreams,
When I'm sit sitting on the couch,
In a doomed small town,
And I'm only 16?

Being gay is not a choice,
Its who you are.
Would you tell a black person their skin is dark because they chose it?
Or that a little person is short because they chose just not to grow?
Is that would you would say to them?
No.
Then why would you tell a gay person its their choice to like the same ***?

Tear drops run down her face,
She craves you,
And your soft,
Warm embrace.
She misses you so much,
But she knows you had to go,
Still,
She wants you.
Nothing can change it,
It was forbidden love,
Every single bit of it.
But it doesn't matter,
She only wants you.
Her parents,
They scream,
And rage,
About all the wrong,
And little things.
But it doesn't matter to her,
You are all she wants.
She wants your soft chest,
To lay on,
She wants your eyes,
To stare at anytime she wants.
No matter what anyone says,
Or the looks they give,
She still wants you.

I gave you my heart,
I poured my soul into those words,
But you're still going for the "other girl".
I guess what they say about Karma is right,
Shes truly a *****.

I'm waterproof
Standing under His waterfall.

Some days I feel dead inside.
Physically my body's moving,
But I'm just going through all the motions.
My eyes are dead.
My soul is...
Dead.
I am mentally...
Dead.
I'm numb.

Hello there,
My dear old friend.
I welcome you back,
With open arms.
How much I have missed you.
I have to show you,
How much I've changed,
Without you.
I thought that you were no longer needed,
But I was wrong.
Hello there,
Old friend that I love,
I welcome you back,
With upturned arms,
Do your magic.
Make the white rose turn red.

How does one sleep?
Because apparently I dont know how.
I lie here awake,
Thinking,
And day dreaming,
About everything.
Never letting my brain shut down,
And get what it desperately needs,
Rest.

You can go now,
You dont have to stay.
I'm a ******* for a friend,
Why would you anyways?

You can leave,
And never look back.
Go ahead and go,
I would too, and that's a fact.

I wouldn't blame you.
This is my apology,
Just go, you're better off with me gone,
Cant you see?

I am a loser,
And I am a leech.
I **** the life out of you,
I'm worse for you than drinking bleach.

So this is my apologies,
For the time you spent on me.
I'd give it back to you if I could,
But life is such a B.

It doesn't work like that,
But if only it did,
I would give it back to you,
From the moment I laid eyes on you as a kid.

If you dont leave I swear,
I will push you away.
So go, lets do this harmlessly,
Let this go my way.

I promise you I still love you,
With every fiber of my being.
I love you so much I'm setting you free,
Do me a favor by leaving.

You'll be better off without me,
I swear that its true.
I'm a blood ******* leech,
Who doesn't deserve you.

I'm sorry that I'm not perfect.
I'm sorry I'm not what you wanted me to be,
Not what you expected.
I'm sorry that you had to get stuck with me.
I'm sorry.

I don’t want to be a prisoner of my past.
I am building my life on the foundation of rock bottom.  
My house has windows that look out over the meadows of the future where my children will play.
My house has a front porch painted yellow, where my husband and I will sit and rock in our chairs singing the songs of happier days yet to come.
I am building my house on this solid rock, reaching up to the heavens for guidance.
I will not be a prisoner of things I cannot change.
I am a survivor, I am strong, and I am building my house.

Fake a smile,
Fake a laugh,
Hide your scars,
And wipe your tears.
The words I live by.
No more excuses.
It was the cat.
You have a cat?
Oh…
I cant do this anymore.
Breathe in,
And breathe out,
But its getting harder.
The pain,
Its getting stronger,
While Im getting weaker.
I cant do this anymore.
Goodbye.

Few are afraid to go to sleep,
But many are afraid to die.

I am an old soul
Stuck in the body of a teen
Trapped as who I am not.

Reincarnation
A belief of returning
Again and again.

Reincarnation
Is the one to blame for this
Odd "old soul syndrome".

Who was  I before
Peculiar faint memories
That never happened.

What if this belief
Is my imagination
Overactive mind.

No one knows,
Whats secretly going on,
Behind the locked doors of your mind.
You're the only one with a key.
If you keep it in,
It will go crazy...
Let a bit out,
Dont fight the secret war alone.

My heart rips into two pieces
For both of you
One side of my heart stands
A boy full of love for me
And kindness
On the other side stands
A boy full of passion
And desire
As if he was a siren
Eager to lure in the weakest
Beautiful prey.
My heart has ripped in two
Holding on merely by placement
And one side is about to fall
Into darkness
To be covered by dirt
Burried and forgotten.
Who is on the side to fall?

I have a lot of words for you,
but most are going to be left unspoken.
The only think I can say now,
is I'm strong,
but as a beautiful song once said,
"Even the best fall down sometimes."
I'm sorry.

I have a dream to be anonymous
like the great women throughout times
the ones who were philosophers and
the greatest people who ever were
signed anonymous
because nobody cares what a woman has to say.
-Anonymous

You must hate me.
You yell at me,
And treat me like a dog.
I hate me,
So why shouldn't you?
It only makes sense.
The more you hate me,
The more I hate myself.
I try to change,
Or be a better person.
I don't understand what I'm doing wrong...
Other than everything,
Apparently.

Cant you see
After all this time
That its you I've been in love with...
Always.

What's the point in pointing the finger of blame,
And leaving remnants of shame,
That rip through our family walls.
Why must we mold and conform to what we call the "Love laws".
Rules to live by that control what we think,
But I swear I'm on the brink,
Of saying "**** it all".

You say that you love me,
And yet you won't let me be who I am meant to be.
You put on this image,
Of perfectness that seems to lack a blemish.
Would you take a moment to look back and realize how ****** up this is?
You can't because you have your head stuck so far up the book that is the almighty His.
I wish you would.

But please don't get me wrong,
I get up and sing those good ol' Christian songs,
Just like you do,
But mine are true.
You're a Christian in the walls of glory,
But every where else you act out your Christian faith so poorly.
Stop blaming and hiding behind that book.

No matter what you do or say,
My love for you will always stay,
Because a Loves a Love no matter what,
Just hold on and I promise we'll get through this rut.
No matter how we disagree,
I know that we will never see,
Eye to eye.

But if somehow by fate we do,
That would be the day that my dreams come true,
To have a family that doesn't fight,
But loves each other day and night.
That dream of mine is too far away,
So for now the circumstances stay,
How they have always been.

It was my sanctuary,
My place of peace,
And love.
It was my safe haven.
It WAS,
But it's not anymore.
It was the one place where my thoughts were free of turmoil.
I didn't have any bad thoughts,
Not one...
Until tonight.
The thoughts came creeping up on me,
They surrounded me,
And my world shattered.
It is still my sanctuary,
But its not the same...
Its not as safe.
Its tainted.

I'm scared.
I feel like I cant breathe.
I feel that I'm suffocating,
Dying.

How do I tell him?
I love him dearly...
But.

There it is,
There's always a but.

He is not what I want.
I love him...
But HE'S a HIM.

I want a she.
I want a her.

I love him,
And I would be happy to spend my life with him,
But...
There it is again.

We don't click.
We click physically,
But not emotionally,
Not for me.

I love him...
But...
And again,
There's that word.
I love him,
But I love girls.
This is all terribly confusing.

I don't want to be this way.
He doesn't want me to be this way.
My parents don't want me to be this way.
Apparently God loves me,
But doesn't want me to be this way...

Then why am I?

I want to be normal.
I dont want to look at girls this way...
The way that normal girls look at guys.

So then,
I move my attention.
I focus myself in my arts,
And music.
I just want to focus on that,
Instead of what I am.

But...
Haha there it is again.
I'm curious.
I want answers.

Why?
Why am I this way?
Why am I an "abomination"?
What caused me to be this way?
Because I didn't choose to be this way,
And this isn't a phase.

I have liked girls since before pre-k.
I liked guys too,
But only because I felt like I was supposed to.
Because I had to.
I still feel like I have to.

I have to pretend that I'm not this way...
Gay...
It feels like a bad word.
I have to pretend that I dont find her attractive.
Pretend to be someone I'm not...

I've always said that my guy friends see me as one of the guys,
But they dont.
I do.
I see myself as one of the guys.

I hate being this way.
Do I like guys at all?
Am I a lesbian?
That seems like another bad word...
I have no clue.
For right now,
At least,
I consider myself bi...
Because I know I like girls,
But the rest...
sigh
It's so confusing.

What do you do when you cant breathe and you cant eat and your sitting here with a blank stare, lifeless...?
Where do you go from there?
When theres no where to go...?

Dear God,
I know you're out there,
And I need you now.
I don't know what to do,
Or who to turn to,
So I'm turning to you.

When asked why I'm scared to get my licenses:
For a multitude of reasons. Most of them centering around my anxiety. It terrifies me. It makes it hard for me to concentrate and I don't feel too comfortable behind the wheel of thousands of pounds of metal without my focus being on point.

The shadows are beautiful,
Amazing,
Little creations.
They can hide what we want hidden,
But they also hold the key to our fears.
The shadows are all knowing.
They have our secrets.
Secrets of love,
Passion,
Mistakes.
They also have our worst nightmares.
The nightmares twirl around our secrets,
And keep them captive.
The shadows,
So dark,
So lovely.
So dangerous.

Moo that's you.

I remember
the way she held my hand like no one was watching
because to her
no one was.

I remember
the slight panic that would always go through my head
when she'd hold my hand
because I wouldn't let anyone know
I liked girls.

I remember
our first kiss.
How she started at my cheek
and then moved to my lips
but only for a moment
to move back to my cheek
and down to my neck.

I remember
the first time I ever felt that electricity
flow through my body
so fluidly
I though my cells had liquified.

I remember
the day that she wore sleeves so low
you could only see her finger tips.
Her legs were never shown.

I remember
that day, because that was the day
she broke my heart
for the first time
involuntarily.

I remember
my hand lifting up her sleeve
even though my mind was screaming at me
"DON'T!
You don't want to see this."
But I did anyways.

I remember
how she was wearing two shirts
the first soaked with blood
the second only spotted.

I remember
my heart tearing into two
individual pieces
because I wasn't there for her at the time
she needed me most.

I remember
reading.

I remember
reading the words of her soul
that were etched onto her skin.
A "FML" in bright red letters
on the top of her hand
and a tally mark on her arm
for every time she thought
she wasn't good enough
and I wasn't there to reassure her
of just how amazing
she really was.

I remember
Christmas.
Her surgeries
and multiple trips to the hospital.

I remember
my panic attacks
for fear of losing her forever.
That was the second time
she broke my heart
involuntarily.

I remember
our first break up.

I remember
how it hurt her more
than it could ever possibly hurt me.
And it hurt a whole **** lot
when I heard the words
"I'm sorry"
"I cant"
"I love you"
and "Its only to protect you".

I remember
screaming.
Screaming at her
my friends
the walls
and to God.
To everyone and no one
because I didnt know how to express
my heartbreak.
That was the third time
she broke my heart
involuntarily.

I remember
loving her.
Without a soul knowing
because I was ashamed
to tell people
"I love this girl!"

I remember
the day I got the news
that I may possibly never see her again.
That she had been taken away
to a home
and that she cant have contact with anyone.

And now I remember
the feelings
of wanting to scream from the rooftops
"I loved that girl!"

I remember
because those feelings happened
a mere 10 seconds ago.
This is the fourth time
shes broke my heart
involuntarily.

But within all these painful memories
I remember
her.

I have a demon,
That lives inside of me.
He's been there so long,
That he's kinda like a family pet,
I couldn't get rid of him,
I'm too emotionally invested.
So I take him out for walks,
Feed him with blades,
And keep him calm,
At bay,
So that my pet demon doesn't take over,
And attack,
Like a rabid animal would.

You gave your heart and soul to me
You fought for me
You know me better than anyone else
And yet I still turned away.

He stood there waiting with nothing but an I love you and off I went...

Hurting you worse than I ever have before.

I sat on the pew,
Squirming.
I was so uncomfortable.
The only thing going through my head was thoughts of turmoil.
The preacher asked,
"If you were to die right now,
Where would you go?
Could you honestly look at the person beside of you and say,
'I would go to Heaven?'"
I couldn't.
I looked over at my bestfriend,
And just shook my head.
A tear trickled down my face,
And I reached out and took his hand.
He told me it would all be ok.
Its not though...
Its not gonna be ok,
Or at least it doesn't feel like it.
I want to...
Be saved?
I'm not sure.
I want to feel like I belong in the church.
I want to find God,
But am I worthy?
Am I worth of his glory?
Am I worthy enough to be accepted into his kingdom,
When my time on Earth has come to an end?
I feel like I've messed up so much,
Too much,
That don't have a hope,
Or chance,
For a spot in Heaven.

My birthday passed again
to you as if it were just another day.
An estranged lover forgotten.

Am I still human?
Because it feels like I'm a monster.
I'm looked at like I'm a monster,
So then I start to believe them.
I feel like this makes me less of a human,
Like my humanity instantly vanished.
So answer me this,
Am I a human?
Or...
Am I a monster?
I fear it.
For it is the thing that everyone hates.
No one wants to be made to feel like that,
Everyone just wants to fit in...
So why can't I?
Flaws and all?
Does that 1 fact make me that different?
Does it matter so much that I cant fit in anymore?
Why does it make me a monster?
Why?
I am still human am I not?
Or did my humanity fly out the window with 2 simple words?
"I'm gay."

Dear Max,
I know I should have wrote this letter to you a long time ago, right after the accident. I'm sorry that I couldnt. I tried once and after I wrote dear Max I broke down and went into a panic attack. I miss you so much and I haven't went a day without thinking about you. Everytime I do think about you sorrow and regret flood my mind. You used to be my bestfriend. Everyday I would come home with the "magical adventures of Max and Mo" or at least that's what my mom called them. You were an amazing person and you always made my day better. I remember you telling me stories of how you were gonna go to the NFL and be the greatest football player there ever was. Now you'll never get the chance...I hope you're up there playing football with Jesus. I also remember on the last day of 8th grade you nearly tackled Tyler because you wanted to get to me before he did so you could sign my binder. I remember being over at Faiths and we would talk about you for hours. She had the biggest crush on you. Every single word we had to say about you was positive as could be. I never told you or Faith that u had just as big of a crush on you. I remember the day you asked Faith to the 8th grade prom. She was so excited that she could have jumped out of her own skin. I secretly was jealous but I never let a drop of that jealousy show to either of you. Then her mom and grandma found out you wanted to take her to prom. They said no. That they weren't gonna let their white daughter go to prom with some black kid, that it would make her look like a ****. I was secretly thrilled that yall weren't going together but I knew it broke her heart. After 8th grade I left school and you were one of the many people I casted out of my life as if they were deamons. When I came back to school in 10th grade you were one of the ones I longed to reconnect with, but I didnt. You had your group and I had mine and they mix as well as oil and water do. I remember one day in the hall you smiled at me and said hey. I looked down and and ignored you because I figured I had to stay to my group. Why did I have to be such a *****? You did that a few times and I never acknowledged your existence...funny now that your existence is gone I'm acknowledging it more than ever. I wanted to say hey. I wanted to reconnect with you but I didn't. I never took up the motivation to apologize for being a ***** and say hey to the boy I used to call my bestfriend. I saw the news of your death on facebook along with another boys named Brad. I prayed it was some sort of sick joke. It's been a little over 2 months since that day and I just now brought up the strength within me to write this letter. I heard of what you did for my new bestfriend mikhala that one day at a football game. Thank you for saving her then because if not for that girl I wouldn't have lived to see your death. I love you max and I miss you more than you could ever believe. Thank you max. I'm sorry. I'll see you up in Heaven one day.