when i wake
i battle with thoughts that
cloud my eyes
dewy from tears
i am utterly and totally
drenched in sadness

when i rise
i do what i can to
make a cup of coffee
let the dogs out
brush my teeth
and go to work

(clockwork)

life cycles through waves
of feeling this way and that
never quite being able to grasp
on to a specific emotion
to describe how i am feeling
like how i can wake this way
and lay my head down to sleep
feeling something close to hopeful
ready to rise again
and the thoughts no longer exist in the morning

i find myself very odd
but people don't get to hear
this side of me
mostly because they don't ask
but i don't mind

(clockwork)

i have seen terrible days
i have seen days filled with miracles
i have seen days that are bleaker than bland
but i would prefer to have the days of
feeling something than nothing at all
so i push forward
take my medication
go to my therapist
and go to church

sometimes i wonder if God knows
the inner workings of my thoughts
as well as the Devil
a baptism could never submerge
my thoughts
yet i sing on praising Him

what i do know
is whether i am up
or i am down
i am here

(clockwork)

these passing moments with you
could declare a lifetime
of temporary happiness
if only you knew
how important you are to me

innocent games we play
rewriting the rules
changing the motives
never knowing exactly
where the fun ends

i'd like to believe
you would never cheat

there is a fine line between
knowing how to play
and actually playing
which i would assume
is kept exclusive
between us

when desire takes precedence
over consideration towards one another
outweighing the good and the bad of you
becomes unbalanced
as i am always biased
in regards to matters of the heart

even if you never love me
the way i love you
memories we made
will stay creased
on the sheets where i lay
waiting for you to come back

strangers in passing
nothing but a glance
tying us together
bound by the thought
of recollection
as if we had seen each other
somewhere before

i thought about
your eyes
the way they smoothed over
the jagged edges of my glare
soft undertones
amidst a dark sky

if only we were able to pause
instead of isolating ourselves
from getting too involved
not even sparing a word
towards one another

so we continue on
never knowing our fate
had our paths crossed differently
another night wasting away
street lamps only lit
to guide us home

perhaps the most appealing part of you
is that we could never be together
never in the same room
under the pretenses between these sheets
laugh lines forming a parenthesis
becoming an unfinished sentence
embedded in your thread count

you always liked me better
when you couldn't see my face
roleplay began taking the shape
of a placeholder instead
missing what we couldn't have
taking what we could get
greedy and all-consuming lust

i wonder who else might feel the same way
when affection grows into resentment
repulsive to the tongue
forbidden love becomes bitter
when it is left to breathe over time

this restless beast
i need to tame
gnawing at my stomach
setting fires to my cerebral
chewing at my throat
begging for attention
this restless beast
always rejects obedience
howling for affection
like a ******* mongrel
if it's voice becomes a whimper
can it be feminine again
i want my makeup to wash off
as more than war paint
i want to feel beautiful
without seeking validation
i want to shake
this restless beast
ruining my relationships
entertaining wicked thoughts
wrecking my sleep schedule
stepping on my neck
i never asked to own
this worn out excuse for a companion
but if it doesn't get lost soon
i'll ******* **** it

i wouldn't say i'm the jealous type
i would say i'm a writer
no one's muse
admiring from afar
hugging walls like close friends
more familiar with the architecture
of disappointing myself
than laughing with others

i wouldn't say i'm the jealous type
i would say i'm a work in progress
withheld on a canvas
half-finished strokes
vibrant in places that matter
dull smudges in spaces
unsure where to go next
traffic jams in my cerebral
creator and destroyer

i wouldn't say i'm the jealous type
i would say i'm an artist
expressing myself in ways
that others can't quite comprehend
but speak volumes of my soul
through more than
[words]
phrases things pronouns
breathing is painful
without creating
[controlling]
emotion
becoming vulnerable
in a comfort zone
people don't understand
[me]
stepping outside of my art
is painful and draining

i wouldn't say i'm the jealous type
i would say i'm ******* tired

there is a disconnect
in the ways we choose
to embrace one another
simple acts turn to favors
debts become ultimatums
promises loosen their tie
full undressed lies
love is nothing more
than pity on the emptiness
our souls post for rent
always looking
constantly searching
never finding quite
what we're looking for
never knowing what
to look for to begin with
simply put
we have a longing for more
than what society
has wired us to do
and a small belief
that unconditional love
isn't an oxymoron