discomfort in fulfilling our hopes
hesitance in facing our fears
where do we draw the line
between living and being alive
if our actions speak louder than our words
how do we measure sound
in the face of death
why do we let her down
in knowing that we never settled
bets with our hearts
gambling our existence away
basing our worth in cards
dealt by someone else
concrete in our stubborn ways
when do we realize
changing habits has no price
yet the highest cost
but we still refuse to pay
for debts we acquire
and complain about the weather
until our bodies collapse

moths fly into fire
without knowledge of death
only guided by instinct
they must have light
no matter the cost

people betray trust
without being given a reason
only guided by instinct
they must keep making bad choices
no matter the cost

spiders weave webs
without thought of placement
only guided by instinct
they must create a home
no matter the cost

lovers lie to each other
without thinking twice
only guided by instinct
they must keep stability
no matter the cost

hornets sting people
without a purpose
only guided by instinct
they must hurt
no matter the cost

parents abuse children
without understanding repercussions
only guided by instinct
they must control something
no matter the cost

snakes eat rodents
without fearful consciences
only guided by instinct
they must eat
no matter the cost

alcoholics drink recklessly
without responsibility for themselves
only guided by instinct
they must be drunk
no matter the cost

the differences between
animals and people
aren't as abstract
as we would like to believe
they are

if our lives could reshape  
i would choose to fight than crawl
heroes don't need a cape
however some days i feel small
wearing armor as a shawl
thinking he will never know
anticipating to fall
where rivers never flow

you can't make a bandage with tape
heavy emotions might stall
comparing a scar to a scrape
burdens will be there to haul
pack lightly if you bring back all
what you can't manage you'll owe
seeking more comfort and less mal
where rivers never flow

endlessly longing to escape
my writing becomes a scrawl
yearning for a new landscape
ignoring your late night call
feeling like a strung out puppet doll
our love could never grow
through a UV lit concrete hall
where rivers never flow

wicked storms begin to sprawl
shady groves and forest below
searching for a waterfall
where rivers never flow

tomorrow is my mother's birthday
and i can't remember the last time
we spoke about much more
than what i'm doing for a living
or how the weather has been
or when i'm quitting smoking
or collecting tattoos on body
or getting a real job
so it doesn't seem appropriate to call
and wish her a happy birthday
when i haven't been in her life
as she hasn't in mine
her contact name has been
KATHLEEN
ever since i was eighteen
our distance isn't anything new
but it feels heavier this time around
that weight is getting harder to carry
life is getting so weird
and i hate to disappoint her
but i have been disappointing myself
for far too long
living in the shadows of those
claiming to be
wiser
smarter
luckier
successful
stability is not a desk job
finding myself does not include
her telling me to sit down
i refuse to stay still
honesty is not easy
living is not easy
happiness is not easy
love is not easy
i can't continue
being torn apart
by her judgment
overstepping boundaries
letting her break my heart
is not a good birthday gift
so maybe i'll call her
but i probably won't

I HATE NICE PEOPLE
their small talk
their half empty smiles
their exaggerated cackles
their silent judgement
I HATE MEAN PEOPLE
their simmering rage
their quick temper
their sideways glances
their blissful ignorance
I HATE PEOPLE
their stubborn ways
their bad habits
their herd mentality
their inconsistencies
I LOVE HUMANITY
their goodness
their rebellion
their resiliency
their power to overcome

dreamcatchers are a hoax
as if nightmares could be filtered
or dreams could be altered
flashbacks too strong to wake
stuck to a bed unfamiliar with my space
cold sweat turns **** warm
there is medication for that
but no remedy for peace of mind

therapists are a joke
as if someone could solve you
or memories could be erased
bonds too weak to mend
forgiveness being a foreign concept
cold nights scatter my thoughts
there is medication for that
but no remedy for closure

lovers are a hoax
as if someone could adore you
or make you feel whole again
issues too complex to solve
location unknown
your side of the bed is cold
there is no medication for that
there is no
****

flowers you gave her
starting to wilt
first daises
depraving innocence
then a lonely rose
pink petals swelling
under pressure
living off artificial sweeteners
suffocating wildflowers
does not tame her
drawn out death
begging for life
souls need sun to thrive
not sugar to borrow
bouquets only live
dying for replacement  
another petal falls
leaves are always last
clutching thorns on stems
holding everything upright
time sensitivity quickens
containing beauty consistently
cutting herself short
viscously controlling
how long you get to see
the illusion
weeping alone
hoarding tears
neglecting to refill
vases left to rot
turning vases into jars
depositing wax at her expense
candles illuminating scarlet letters
ignites inescapable fires
killing her spirit
she too dies slowly