(Revised)
Journal entry #8
It was surprisingly through therapy, I learned that grief doesn't just happen with death.
You can actually mourn someone still very much alive.
So, as my therapist would say,
"Lets explore that."
#1: Denial.
I remember this stage pretty well. The world felt meaningless, Everything was overwhelming. Nothing in my life made sense anymore. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that there was no more you and me. I was paralyzed with shock. I was utterly and completely numb. I didn't feel anything for weeks. Until I guess I was ready to start asking myself the why of all that happened between us.
#2: Pain
As the shock and denial of my marriage ending began to slowly melt away, I felt as though I was hit by a bus as deep pain and guilt within me had finally surfaced. The reality of it all sunk in and I was left with nothing but a huge void in my heart.
The pain was beyond excruciating, a type of hell I'd never wish on anyone. My only escape to avoid the unbearable pain was drowning myself in wine. I drank almost every single night for the sole purpose of escaping the reality which was to go on living my life, but without you in it.
#3: Rage.
Now I'll admit it took me a while to get to this step.
And after weeks of crying and missing you. It happened as fast as a flick of a light switch.
I was so angry at you, for what you had put me through.
I wanted you to feel every ounce of what I was feeling.
I wanted to hate you.
I was angry at all the things you had done.
All the truth I found out after I left you.
I felt like it wasent fair that you were there living Scott free without a care, without a worry with someone you replaced me with.
Rage consumed me.
I was even angry with God.
So I cut myself off from everything and everyone.
I talked to no one because I was just that angry.
At life and above all...
You.
I felt like I was lost at sea with no connection to anything.
4: Bargaining.
Then came the what ifs.
Maybe if I had been more this we'd still be married. If only I had done this maybe then you'd still be here... with me.
If only I could just got back into time and tell you once more how much I loved you, maybe then you'd understand, make better choices for our marriage.
I even bargained with my own pain. I did anything not to feel the pain of my loss. I remained in the past, trying to negotiate my way out of all the hurt.
#5: Depression.
Ahh depression the current stage that I am at.
It'll come over you like a thief in the night.
Empty feelings began to present themselves, and my grief came into my life on such a deeper level.
Deeper than I had ever imagined.
I am completely in a never ending fog.
I've withdrawn from life.
I want so desperately to pull myself out of this, but I'm lost.
I've lost myself.
I think that once the loss of leaving the only man I've ever loved settles within my soul That will be when I truly Find peace.
#6: Acceptance.
If I'm being perfectly honest with myself and my therapy.
I'll admit I'm not there yet.
You were the first love of my life.
You knew me.
I knew you, despite all the lies, all the things you tried to hide.
I saw you.
The real you, which is why I tried to save you from yourself so many times over, for years.
I saw your darkness, and I took it on as if it had been mine all along.
I tried to be the light in your life.
I tried to show you that despite your flaws, your past, your lies, that you had a chance for a better life... with me.
The very person that saw all of that horrible ****, and still loved you and felt in her heart that none of that was who you really are.
But It was never enough and sadly neither was I.
Looking back now I second guess myself.
Maybe that's just who you really are and the saying love is blind was our ultimate end.
#7: Hope
My therapist says that hope is the final stage of grief a person goes through after acceptance.
According to her the feelings you experience are not the same as resignation or feeling defeated.
It's In this stage that, you soon realize that,
(for instance in my case me ending my marriage) is something that was going to happen and was not in my control.
Moreover, I would then be able to move on with my life and even try to plan for a better future. The loss of my marriage, though still might be upsetting, when I reach this stage I hopefully will no longer be filled with the unbearable pain I've described throughout this poem.
Bottom line is if you're dealing with a tragic loss, know that it's not forever. The best thing you can do (which will be hell in itself, never easy)
But go through what you go through. Feel everything you're feeling and don't suppress any of it.
As hard as it is to feel pain it's what will get you through the hardest stages of grief.