There is pain branded into my heart
It hasn't gone away
I can look the other way and pretend it's okay
But sometimes I cannot keep it at bay
I am in pain
And there's no poetic way to say
sometimes it hurts to be alive
No metaphor can describe exactly how it feels
You can try
But it won't work, it won't heal what you feel inside
But I'm alright
I've been friends with my demons since day one
and do you think that's going to change? No.
Because I don't leave my friends the way you do.
I'm sorry, but that's the truth.
And I'm not ready to depart with them yet.
They're the only ones that have stayed in the end

i should have never approached you
because once i learned about you
and who you were
i was jealous
and it's not that hard to know
that i'm not as good enough as you are
everyone keeps telling me that you like me
and that you wanted to ask me to homecoming
but i can't believe that
why would you want me?
maybe it's that i don't want you
maybe that's the truth
yes, i've been avoiding you
but i'm doing this for myself
i can't put myself down because of you
isn't that what i should do?
i have to make myself happy
not you
i'm sorry but that's how it needs to be right now
i can't feel love at all
except for him
and i'm not going to apologize for that
i can love who i love
and it doesn't mean i can't love you
but i just can't feel at all right now
for anyone else
and to be honest
i'm too scared to

I don't know why the universe
or God
or whoever
keeps bringing you so close to me
to the point
I think you may love me
But whoever it is
keeps doing it
And I'm a fool
Because I'm still going to get my hopes up
But I really don't care if you hurt me anymore

i can still smell you on my skin
and it gets my heart racing thinking about seeing you again

I was up until almost 4 am last night
thinking about you
and you will never know that
I can't keep my mind off of you
If we're being honest here,
I wish I never approached you
I wouldn't be hurting the way I do now
I'm not good at making friends
So I'm going to need you to make the first move
to get to know each other
Because I won't
That's not me
I wish you could just magically already know someone
But you can't
And that's why I don't have too many close friends
Once I know you
I can be completely myself and it's so easy
But the beginning phases of friendship are just too much
for me to handle
And I shouldn't have approached you
Because I put myself down because of it
I feel like I'm not good enough standing next to you
And that's the truth
I feel like nothing when I'm around you
I'm sorry
It's really not your fault
It's mine for being so insecure
and for approaching you in the first place
If you don't want to know me
just tell me
Because it hurts less than to wonder if you do

If I showed you all my dark secrets
would you still be interested in me?
If I opened up my past to you
would you run and hide?
Because if you will
I don't want to tell you
all the things I keep inside.
So if you think you won't run
then keep on reading
If you really want to know me
then let me show you the dark side of me

Like this
There was one point of my life
Just last year
I wanted to die
and no one would believe me because I look so happy all the time
But it's surely not the truth
I was almost hospitalized
for wanting to not be alive
Because a teacher saw that I was sad
Took me to guidance
and asked if I thought my life was bad
Yes
Yes, I do.
"Do you hurt yourself?"
Yes
I had to pull up my sleeves and show her
How convenient it was that I was sad the night before
and cut up my arms to the point you couldn't see much skin anymore
All you could see was red lines
I'm sorry the images have to play in your mind
They told me I needed therapy
But I never went
I was almost locked away
for being in pain
But I wasn't
I tried killing myself just a couple months before that
No one will ever know
I promise you I'm okay now
I've healed a lot
and I'm not in very much pain anymore
I know it's a very dark thing to hide
and trust me, I'm not proud

And there's this
the reason I don't actually have a phone
I tell everyone it's because I just don't want one
but that's not the truth
I talked to strangers online and told them I wanted to run away
and I told of my hurt and pain
Yes, I told a lot of personal things to people I didn't know
I admit, that was stupid.
But I guess I have to let it show
Thinking back on this
I have to say, I'm ashamed and embarrassed
I lost the trust of my parents
and that's why I can't have a phone
But I've changed
I don't do that anymore the way I used to
and now I may get a phone for my birthday

I failed a class
and I know that doesn't sound too bad
but it is to me
Because I was always a good student
and got good grades
But my mind was in a bad place
and I couldn't focus on the important tasks at hand
So now, I have to take 9th grade history again.
But I'm doing okay.

Those things are the ones that stand out most to me
My dark secrets
I'm not proud
How could I be?
I ruined my life over and over.
And now I'm scared these will be the reasons you won't like me

i see what you're trying to do
hurt me because i hurt you
trying to get with the girl
that became my friend
just because our friendship
has seemed to end
dear, she came to me worried
and let me read the letter
you say i hurt you
but you're no better
i saw what you said
trying to become closer
by saying how you were both hurt by me
but she knows i didn't do it on purpose
she just wants me to be happy
i think it's so funny
that you call her pretty and cute
just a week after she left me feeling blue
it doesn't really matter to me anyway
but still, you kind of brought us closer today

You keep pulling me in
You tilted my chin up with your hand
And said, "Look this face,
I couldn't hit her if I wanted to."

So please
Please fall in love with me
'Cause I'm in enough pain as it is
And it's not getting better

You always leave me feeling blue
But I love you too much and I'm stuck like glue
And I follow you and annoy you to death
to be close to you

I'm drowning in this ocean
I'm just going through the motions
Baby, it's too much to handle
Too much to handle
Be with me

And I would go through the worst pain
Just so that I could feel your love again
But I guess it doesn't work
'Cause I'm still going through that

You say, "Just keep your chin up."
But I guess I'm out of luck
How can I be okay
when you look at me like you want me?

And I wish you would try again
But you'd probably rather die than to take that chance
But I would like you to love me

No, no, no
I'm supposed to be a ray of light
for everyone around me
I'm supposed to make people happy
No
There's supposed to be sunshine flowing within me
And flowers in my hair
No
There is supposed to be yellow spilling from my veins
A happy color
No
There's supposed to be a smile on my face
all the time
No
I'm supposed to feel good
and be free
No
I'm supposed feel love
for everything in life
No
No
No
I cannot let my light die
I cannot let the sun set inside of me
I cannot see darkness
I cannot frown and put on a fake smile
I cannot feel sad
I cannot feel nothing for everything
NO
Just leave me alone
I cannot let myself drown again
I cannot give up on myself
I cannot lose myself again
Stop
Just leave
You are not allowed here in this body

I smiled like I always do
But it didn't feel real
I couldn't feel the passion of happiness behind it
I couldn't feel anything
Not a thing

i'm sorry i lied to you
i know i'm just a **** up
i know i ruin everything
you don't have to tell me

I look at myself the way a lover would look at someone they love
even through all this pain
Go ahead and call me cocky
But when there's no one around to make me feel loved
I kind of have to do it myself
And I don't have to be sorry about that
Today you put me down
But one of my biggest accomplishments
is loving myself through that
I'm still beautiful
That never changed
And I did not ask for your opinion in the first place
So thanks for helping me find myself again
I lost myself
and I found myself
And that, I think, is why I'm beautiful

she said the difference
between me and you
is that i'm pretty
and you're not
and that's why she won't be with you

"You get to exhale now.
You get to be more you than you have been in a very long time."

Go ahead and break me
I don't care
Go ahead and hurt me
I don't care
Because I'm so used to the pain
And things not going my way
The universe is not on my side
The odds are not in my favor
Never has been
Never will
It's just the way my life goes
So, please, just hurt me
Because at least you'll be happy after
That's all I've ever wanted
For you to be happy
And that won't be with me
So just go ahead and leave
I don't care

I'm scared no one will ever love me the way I love you
I'm scared I won't be able to love someone the way I love you
I'm scared

I sleep constantly now, whenever I can.
I try to run away from reality in my dreams.
To be awake in my life right now *****
You didn't call again
And how do you think that makes me feel?
I'm not good enough.
I don't know why.
I thought I was.
So feeling all this pain or sleep?
Yeah
I'm going to have to go with sleep.

maybe mosquito bites are just love bites
and maybe the pain is just all in your head

i'll spend my day sleeping
that way i can get to you faster

Looking back
You were the first person I actually left
When I said I was going to leave you
And that's probably because we weren't that close
Now it's like we never talked

She had rose petals in her hands
A grey dress
Her hair in pigtails
Like a little kid
That's how she felt inside
Like a little 7-year-old
In love with everything in the world
Her smile lit up a room
She probably would have danced if she could too
The way she laughed at the little things
and just had to hug everyone she knew
She would probably be the flower girl at this wedding
and she would be honored to be in such a place
Flowers are her most favorite thing
Mostly because she is one herself
The way she grows and blooms
Even through all the rain
and the thunderstorms
And she's such a beautiful sight too
Despite the ups and downs
She still thrives
I do not know how she does such a thing
With so much pain clinging to her
It's amazing
The way she survives
She gets hurt easily
Only because she gets her hopes up about everything
Always tries to see the positive side of things
But sometimes the world just shatters her
The moment her dreams are crushed
and her happiness dampened
She hurts
And unfortunately this happens a lot
But she still pushes through
And I honestly do not know how she does this
Because the pain drags her down so easily
But she's a warrior
A fighter
She's stronger than you think
And I love her

You held me and told me
that people are confused
because they do not know if we're together or not
And you also said you were confused
But I couldn't tell you that I wanted to be together
I don't think you would want me

I am disappointed that I cannot fall in love
I never thought this would happen
And I realized that it has just now
My ability to fall in love is gone
It has disappeared for anyone else but you
I tied my heart to you
And I think it's very clear that neither of us has cut it
And I don't think neither of us wants to
I am not upset about that
You are my best friend
and if I can still be that
without ever loving someone again
I can handle that
Maybe perhaps I want that
You were the one
Maybe I wasn't the one for you
But you were always the one for me
I don't want to change that
I don't want to leave
Staying your friend
and not leaving you behind after you hurt me
was the best decision of my life
You mean so much to me
And in my mind
we're still meant to be
Call me pathetic
I don't really care
Because being in your presence is all I need in life
And I don't really care if no one ever loves me again
As long as you're with me
Everyone else is just a distraction
At least it avoids being heartbroken again

i spent so long in the bathtub
writing about you
the water turned cold
and my skin wrinkled up
and i haven't even got my hair soaked yet

You know the feeling
when you're laughing so hard
you can't breathe
and your stomach hurts
and there's tears in your eyes?
I haven't felt that in the longest time.
Sure
I've laughed and had fun
But never like that
Not anymore

i want to experience everything in life
and if that means rebelling against you
then so be it
i'm allowed to be myself
and you can't take that away from me

You told me today that you like being close to me
and I don't think you know how much that makes me happy

i could walk right past you
and you wouldn't even notice a change in the wind
and you say you love me
but you kind of forgot i even exist
thank you
that means so ******* much
i guess i always knew i was just a back up
i mean, am i wrong?
no one else loves you
so here i am
falling for you all over again
you keep pulling me in
and kicking me out whenever you like
and i'm so tired of this fight
you don't even notice you hurt me, do you?
yeah, i didn't think so
it's just the same battle on repeat
every single day
and i'm too scared to give up
i'm too scared to go away
i guess that's why i'm your back up
because you know i don't have the courage to leave

I would show you my poems
But I'm too afraid you won't like what I have to say about you
But I guess that's just another reason to let you read them

if you want to know me
if you want to be mine
then just tell me
just tell me
if you want to take it slow
then say those words to me
and that will be fine
but don't leave me here wondering if you feel the same
don't leave me wondering if you will take away my pain
if you don't want to know me
then please just say it
because i get my hopes up too often
and i break too easily
i fall for people who i think are lovely
and then they leave me
so please
if you don't want me
just say it