To be honest
I find him
Captivating.
I find his smile beautiful.
His shaved hair wonderful.
To be honest
I always feel like losing it
Around him
And my desperacy lashes out
And strikes him on his face.
God, I like him still.
The only cure for him is distance.

Your arm is draped around me.
Your soft snores. Your head is on my shoulder.
You are starting to sweat because you sweat in your sleep.
All you have on is a t shirt and socks.
No boxers.
Its 8:35 am and my world has never been as perfect as this. Sunlight creeps through my window.
You're 6'4 and roughly 215 lbs,
But all I see is a sweet little boy.
Your gauges are 5/8" and black.
You wear vans, black craft cult, and zumiez only.
You have thick brows over green eyes.
Dark hair.

I love your hands, long slender fingers that seem to be twice my size.

I love your legs, long ropey and strong. And hairy.

I love your lips and the way they pucker out when you're asleep and I love ever single one of your teeth.

I love your morning breath and the way you wake up.

I love your choppy, ragged breaths when you're inside me.

I love your nervousness, even though I hate it.

I love you.

She's so
Perfect
Sublime
I want to eat her up
Make her mine
Let her love me
And love her well
Take her to a fancy restaurant
And give her the world

I hold in all my emotions during the day. When I sleep... I grind my teeth. I wake myself up by scratching long lines across my arms till it hurts.
*God, I'm ****** up.

I know you don't want me
Because let's be honest who would

But please don't leave me
I love you so much this was supposed to be us against the world
You told me I was your forever
Now I'm just your ex

And I can't stand being it
I can't even think that I
Will never get to kiss you again
Or hold you or
Hold your hand
Or go to the movies with you
Or massage your hair

I can't think of you not being mine
Forever

Without wanting to puke up all the anxiety I'm having without you.

I'm so desperate for you.
I can't believe those words you said
Were lies.

I love you.
Can't that be enough?

I have a right to be unhappy.
I'm not complaining
Or being rude.
I'm just upset.
Maybe I shouldn't even be upset.
Maybe I'm being too ungrateful
Because my sixteenth birthday
Is a ******* joke.
Happy sweet sixteen, Lindsey.
Oh, by the way,
All that stuff I promised?
Yeah, it's not happening.
Hope you don't mind I told you
Two days in advance.

Whatever.

Things you told me that were lies:
• I love you
• you're the one.
• I want to spend forever with you.
• the thought of touching someone else makes me sick to my stomach.
• I'll never leave you.
• you are so beautiful.

Oh baby,
You wouldn't,
You couldn't
Know love if it slapped you in the face.

Don't you know that
Moving on a week later
Hurts the person you
'Love'?

Well. Thank you.
For reminding me.
Reminding me of
How I'll never be good enough.
So why even try.

I smell the liquor
On his breath
And see the confused anger
In his eyes.
I hear him yell at my mom
And I hear him hit her.
I run and hide under my bed.
I start crying.
I should be brave enough to go out there
And save mommy.
I hear his stumbling footsteps
Get closer and closer.
"don't you dare touch him!"
I hear with a smack.
Then my mom slowly slides to the floor.
My door opens.
I see his feet.
He starts laughing and his hand snakes
Under my bed and grabs my neck.
Jeremiah.
He scoops me up and lets me sit
On my old creaky bed.
He covers my eyes and grabs
My hands
And he picks me up
And for a minute I'm weightless,
Flying through the air
Until crash
I slump against the wall.
I feel his fist. Again and again.

"baby josh? Baby Josh it's okay honey
It's just a dream"...
I am holding onto auntie kk's shirt tight.
I bury my face into her warm neck an she hugs me.
She kisses my head.
"Jeremiah."
I cry.
"I know honey. He's gone. He's gone."

I feel my brain has disconnected from my body.
Every scentence I say, I regret. I am my
Worst
Critic.

I'm watching my life through
A window, my fingers balled up
Against the glass as I watch
Minuted hours and days pass.

I wish I could slip back into my
Body, but my hands feel like
I'm wearing gloves all the time.

Is this depression?

I sleep for 13 hours straight
Then don't sleep for almost 24.
My body is lost without my mind.

Is this depression?

I **** down cigarettes
Every **** day.
I hardly eat.
I can't remember my last meal.

Is this depression?

I cut myself to see if I could feel it.
I cannot feel it.
But its summer, and its ugly.
I don't like the way it heals.
I just like the way it bleeds.

Is this depression?

You're such a different breed,
Than any man I thought I could need.

Oh baby,
        You're the one for me.

mi corazón, mi amor
usted es mi mundo.
el sabor de nuestro amor
es para siempre en mis labios
y en este momento donde miro
en sus grandes ojos azules...
Siento infinito.
<3
Para mi novia

So let's get drunk
Off each others laughter
And kiss by the light of the moon
Let's roll in a meadow
And I'll even let you
**** a spider for me cause I'm scared
You'll pull out a couple of beers
And open them
Wink at me and take a big drink
I'll giggle at your silliness
Because a beer doesn't do anything
But it'll stay "our little secret"
Cause my parents wouldn't approve
And at the end of the night
We will have those three little words
Hanging at the tips of our lips
I
love
you.

Baby I know
I'm a sad existence
I'm a sip of cold coffee
At 9am
I'm the coupons
Stuffed in your purse
For 10% off at the hardware store
Down the block where you grew up

****** I know
That I'm a mediocre drawing
On computer paper
Made by some freshman
Who thinks they're good
At everything
I'm a car that leaks oil
And I'm a blanket
That isn't quite warm enough

The last time I kissed someone
Was almost a month ago
And all my happiness is fake
Can someone
Anyone
Just hold me
And kiss me
And then sweetly
Make love to me

Until it all goes away
Forever and ever
And then I can be happy
For once in my life

Two years ago I wrapped my arms
Around my body and
Sang myself to sleep,
When I woke
I woke up to chilly
Air and an empty bed,
No matter the time of year.
Wherever I went, silence followed.
Showers sounded like quiet rain
In the forest,
Eating sounded like an upset dinner table.

Then came you.

Now we sleep sprawled out together
On my full bed and when I wake up
My arms reach for you,
In the morning it sounds like
Laughter and water splashing
And me rinsing your back off.
It sounds like sizzling bacon and
Scrambled eggs. Coffee and orange juice.

Our bedroom always smells like ***
And our cars smell like cigarettes.
Your college notebooks clutter up the
Chairless dining table,
Because we are still too broke to buy chairs.

At night our neighbors hear my voice
Reading to him all the books I think
Are worth reading.

They hear laughter, giggles and *******.

They hear the beginning of a family.

And I feel as if
I want for nothing
And I lust for nobody
And I love nobody
An all this life
And this world
Is just in my head
And I can't grasp
Anything
I can't hold onto anything
How is this real?
How is her touch real?
I don't know,
But something is anchoring me.
But I know I wouldn't be afraid
To pull the trigger
If it was against my temple.
Only thing I would feel was regret,
And if I'm dying,
Who cares?

Jealousy sweeps over me
With each and every night
They stay at each others houses
And they like each other a lot.
I see them smiling
And making new memories.
"he is nothing"
She says. Well that
Nothing was my first love.
He was all I wanted an more.
He isn't a *******.
He is more real than you
Could ever know.

He's mine she's mine
You're mine they're mine
I'm a greedy jealous
Grabby little *****

When we were 12
I got my first pair of shorter shorts
When I went over to your house
I wasn't allowed to wear them
Unless it was to sleep

You were always jealous.
I was rail thin.
You were chubby,
But had less ***** than me.

I had no responsibities
You had school soccer
Volleyball summer jobs
And raising your three
Other siblings.

Soon you quit eating
And thinned out until
Your ribs peeked out
We sat on the bus
I showed you my scars on my arms
And you whispered
"I put a knife to my stomach
But was too scared to push in"

Then we were juniors
You gave blow jobs to
Your ****** boyfriend
While I slept.

Your blonde hair and blue eyes
Looked so innocent it hurt.

You lost your virginity.
Fell out of love.
You talked about going to
Arizona for College.
That I should go with you.
By now I was failing half my classes
And going to parties on the weekends.

You met other boys
Slept with one who broke your heart
And ran back to your
First love.
He willingly took you.

Then we were seniors.
You complained about him.
About how small his **** was.
How he treated you.
How selfish he was.
How he's a super senior that'll
Be twenty one next year.
He's a baker at Carr's.
I think you secretly hate him.

You say no more to Arizona.
You say yes to
University of Anchorage Alaska.
Its an hour drive away.
You say you're spending
Your college years living
With your grandma instead of
Living on campus.

Your parents dig themselves
Into you and live through
You. Your perfection.

You are a settler.
And I feel you'll be that way
Your entire life.

I'm still so
Lost
Inside my
Emotions

I don't even know
What to feel anymore

If I'm being honest
I think my
***** is outweighing
My heart or head.

Oh my where does the time go?
It's after midnight,
The clothes are strung
On the kitchen floor.
You're tasty as a cake,
A recipe I long to taste...
I want to drink you sober,
Want you to feel you move,
Want you to be my lover....
Oh no make no mistake,
For I am just a cat
Dressed up as a hungry snake
A delicate reprieve,
Something to serve my every need...

My fingers grasp a trash can
My head buried in it
She is rubbing my back
But I don't want her touching me
It makes me even more sick
I just wanna throw up
My whole body
And then some
It reeks of
99 apples
And empty stomach
I wipe my face
Can't even stomach water
And I can't stand up
I can't sit up
My friends grab my arms and pull
Me onto the couch
But I just wanna shove
My sick face into the trash can..

Love is every emotion out there.
It's jealous, proud, selfish.
It's kind, friendly, and forgiving.
Or unforgiving.
It's obsession
And neediness
And it's also being okay with
Loving them from a distance.

Love...it makes us fools.
Makes us do crazy things
That doesn't logistically
Benefit anyone.

It is the most confusing thing ever,
But once it hits you,
You know it is love.

And people can try to tell you differently.
That it isn't love, it needs
More respect, more kindness,
Or more desperation.

But the truth is, nobody knows
What love is.

It's just...something about them.

Stuff your sadness 
Down your throat 
Along with some ***** 
And those pills your friend gave you 
Pull up that smile 
And spread your legs 
Because if you don't 
Then "you're not acting like yourself"
Catch up 
Catch up 
Life was on pause for 
Almost a year and a half 
Get over it 
Get over her 
And get under him

Now ladies and gentlemen, an all too familiar tale of a broken hearted girl who ****** up....

Jump in a window, land on a bed.
Kick off boots, grab a bottle
Of raspberry-or watermelon-*****.
Drink it like its water.
Can't believe I saw her...
Can't believe I didn't kiss her.
No she doesn't want that

No she doesn't want you
And she doesn't know what she wants.
But I do.
And I can't have it...

So I keep on drinking and
Wash three Ritalin down.
The room is spinning,
There was never a rush of Ritalin,
Probably because I was drunk.

It snuck up, giving me drunk
Never-ending energy.
And amazing dancing abilities.

"Come, dance on Sammy Lindsey get it"
"Lindsey I want a lap dance"

Grinding bodies everywhere, laughter
And bass booming through our skulls.
Hours passed.
Hours passed.
Hours passed.
Without sleep.


Now, I have been awake since 7am Saturday.
It's 1am Monday.
**Ive been up for 42 hours

I see you’re still doing ******,
I hope when you pick at your face
You’re still just “having fun”
I hope that when the doctor told you
You have *** from sharing needles
You laughed it off and didn’t cry
I hope that when you look in the mirror
And come face to face with
What you have become
You can smile triumphantly and say
“Wow I sure showed her”

The track marks run all over your body
Places I used to touch for hours,
Your hands and wrists and arms and thighs
Seeing you like this
Makes me want to cry

Seeing something I loved
Become so broken

You've got a spot
On your neck
That I know my head
Could easily fit in.
My small warm hands
Would complete
Your big cold ones.
Why did god
Let you move
2,500 miles away from me?

I look into your eyes-
I feel it.
I feel it when we kiss.
When you hold me.
When you touch me.
I feel it when you laugh
I feel it watching you **** down
Cigarettes like you're looking for
Lung cancer.
So I'll kiss you back
And hold your hand
And caress your face softly.
I'll make you laugh just to hear it-
I'll kiss the smoke off your lips
And exhale it into the night air.

Because I love you.
I love you.

I haven't been able to say it,
It gets caught in my throat.
It scratched my tongue till
I cough it out when you're not around.

And this is when we
Realize
We are our very own
Demise.
Our unhappiness
And our depression
Comes from within.
And every second longer
It hurts a little bit more
Tearing you
Searing you
From your insides.
You feel that familiar ache
In your heart, your sad blood
Pumps it all around your body.
You breathe it in
With each sighing breath
And you cry it out
Until ÿöü gasp for air.
It's the self hate
And it's the loathing,
It's sitting in bed
And not eating at all
Or eating too much.
It's too many imperfections
On your skin
So deep it reaches the inside...
It's no power
And hopeless love
The frustration
Of a nation
Crying out
With every word they say
You hear the pain
In our laugh,
You can't see the smile in our eyes.
We are dead and wasted
At the age of youth.
Nothing new.
We don't feel the free joy
Or the comfort of strong hands
All we feel is our sick hearts
With something that is
Hate and pity and horror
And everything into one.
It is dangerous.
We the people,
The new people,
Of America.
The forever youth
With forever words,
And the forever pain.

You must take the time
To see what you live for.
I live for books
And first kisses.
For drunken young nights
And awkward first times.
I live for my teachers
Stupid jokes
And my friends *******
I live for
Forgetting what happened last night
And all the faults I have made
I live for laughter
And Mykayla's smile,
Especially her smile.
I live for love
And beauty
And respect
And revenge
And hate.
I live for it all.
For the good and the bad.
That is what makes life
Worth living.

How do you do it?
Sit in bed with the poster
Of Ariel I colored
And labeled
'to my Disney princess'
I wonder if you looked at it
And hated it and tore it down.
How do you look at your bed
And see my blanket I gave you
Saying "relax"?
I wonder if you laughed a little
At that word, because
You couldn't relax to save your life.
How do you go in your bathroom
And see my pink hair straightener?
I wonder if it made you cry
Because memories of me straightening
Your hair for you and
Getting distracted and kissing you
Were too much to handle...
How do you do it?

Kiss me till my lips are swollen.
Hold my hand just a little too tight.
When you grab my hair, yank it
And when you kiss my neck, bite it.

I don't know how to love
Without pain anymore.

I remember one time
When we were *******
It was when that new song
"Ride" by SoMo had come out.
So you put it on and took me
Into the living room
And kissed me like you meant it.
We started on the couch
And then went into the kitchen
You bent me in half
Pushed it in
But something was wrong
I dropped to the floor, crying.
"Baby, what's wrong?" You asked,
Gathering me up in your arms.
I couldn't even answer,
I was crying so **** hard.
And it didn't even hurt anymore,
But I couldn't even walk
So we sat down on the couch
And I held you so **** close
And just cried
I haven't ever cried like that
In front of anyone, ever.
You just held me,
Let me cry, let me cry it all out.
To this day,
I still don't know why I was crying,
Or why I was begging you to
Just hold me.

Maybe I knew our end was coming soon
Somehow
In the back of my mind
I knew
Somehow.

Take my hand and hold it dearly,
Baby you take my breath away.
Take every last kiss I have left to give,
I want my lips imprinted on your skin.

Take my left ring finger,
Baby take my last name away because I want yours.
Take every last laugh out of my lungs,
I want my happiness to be yours.

Take the heat from inbetween my legs,
Baby take every moan from my mouth
And leave it sighing in your ears.
I want my pleasure wrapped around you.

Take my years, let them slip by with new memories of you,
Baby let's take our love and make a family.
I want you to take me and let me make this a family.

Take me, let's make a family.

Take me, let's make a family.

Take me, I'll give you a family.

Take me, baby, I'll give.

It doesn't matter
If I do drugs
Or go for an hour long run
It doesn't matter if I
Become an alcoholic
Or a camp counselor
It won't matter if I fall asleep
On a sidewalk
Or in the fanciest bed
Doesn't matter
If I take the low road
Or the high road
My past still follows me,
My mistakes are ones
That I cannot escape.

I had to physically and
Emotionally rip myself away from you.

I knew you were trouble
In the back of my mind

The first time I said I love you too
You kept on walking
And didn't stop.

The last time I said I love you too...
I can't even remember it.

I remember forcing myself
To date someone else
To stay away from you.

I remember you holding me
A week later as I cried
For the death of our love.

You sat there and I almost kissed you.
Our lips were touching.
But they never puckered.

I could feel her all over you.
It made me sick to my stomach
For months.

I'd get weak, hate my rebound.
Text you.
I don't think you ever knew
How much I needed you.

How much I wasn't over you.

Which is okay. Your rebound
Turned out to be the love of
Your life and your gateway drug.

Have fun dreaming of a better life
And forgetting about anything
Once your mouth connects with
A **** pipe,

You ***** lying selfish *****.

You know you're still in love
When you have your jacket
And the last person that wore it was them
So you smell it,
With every breath you take
You cry
For some odd reason,
And you don't want to ever
wear it again,
Never zip it up again.
Because the last person that did it
Was them.
And it feels like you still have
A tiny part of them with you.

There is a stranger
In my house
In my room,
And my mirror.
She has fat protruding
From her stomach
And thighs
And wears a worn out look
On her face.
She is covered in blemishes
On her chest,
Back, and arms.
Her teeth are crooked
And her friends desert her,
Bridges slowly being burned,
Possibly to the point of no return.
Yet her lover hangs on her,
Sometimes feeling like a stranger
To herself.
"I cannot save you"
She whispers to her.
She turns to me,
And smiles with crooked teeth,
I cry and cry.
How did she get so comfortable
In my bed?
My couch?
My dinner table?
How did her long swirling hair
Turn into a ragged tangled mess?
Her smooth skin now covered
In marks of flesh growing too fast?
How have I let her do this?

I started smoking regularly.
I started sleeping until 2 or 3pm.
I started not being able to fall asleep until 5/6am.
I ****** a complete stranger.
He left me more empty
Than anything.
I thought of you.
That it was you.

****** up, huh?
I helped Austin cheat.
We sent nudes back and forth.
I don't know why.
His girlfriend still doesn't know
The full extent of it.

****** up, huh?
I wish I was with you still.
I don't know why.
I wish I was over you.
I wish I could wake up
And have a whole day where
Someone could say "khayllia"
And I wouldn't cringe
And my heart wouldn't hurt.
But that day hasn't come yet.
I'm so lost.
Not because you left me.
But because you left me alone.

You don't talk to me. And I wish you would.
When you left I didn't just lose a girlfriend. I lost a friend. I don't know what to do or what to say or how to say it.
There's no easy way out of this.

You changed into something
Harder,
Something
Colder.

Something
     Almost
                  Out
                          Of
                                Reach.

I still cling to you
But it gets harder for you
To answer my texts
And to pick up the phone
Every day.

I still need you
But it gets harder for you
To kiss me back
And need me too.

You, you are not all there.
I am wearisome.

And I have worn you down
To the bone.

I miss believing
It was forever,
You and me.
I wish I could say 'no, I'm Mykayla's.'
All I have left
Are these notes
And these pictures
And all these ******* promises
Of forever in every *******
Corner of my room
And bookbag
And heart.
I miss your laugh
And holding you when ÿöü sleep
And I love how your body twitches
When you dance it's adorable
I still have everything
I miss our forever
You were my safe haven
And right now
I need you
And I'm so sorry
Sorry sorry sorry
Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry
Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry
Sorry sorry sorry sorry
Sorry sorry sorry
Sorry sorry
Sorry.
For all I've done.

You called me again at 2:30 am.
I don't know what to make of it.
That was about two days ago.
You apologized and
Never texted me back.

Do you only think of me when you
Can't sleep?

Its 8:11 am and I haven't slept yet.
I thought I was done crying
Over you, but apparently not.

I'm in the bathrobe you got me.
Its the only thing I'm wearing.
And I'm crying.

I still think of you every day.
I still miss you every day.
If someone brings you up
My heart crumples
A little more
Every
Day.

And I don't know what to do about it.

The worst thing about school is that you cant excape it. You can't break down, or cry. Cause then you look crazy. Emotional. Because nobody knows that you never eat and you are lost in sadness, nobody cares if you lost a lover or if you're hated for no reason. Nobody gives a ****.

Stay down
Let her tears
Roll down her cheeks

Don't wipe them away
She needs to feel the pain
To realize she is not okay

People in love happy and healthy
Can still be broken inside
Just because she can smile
Doesn't mean she can't cry

I miss screaming and fighting
And kissing in the rain,
Its two am and I'm cursing your name,
I'm so in love that I
Act insane,
And that's the way I loved you.
Were breaking down and coming undone
Its a rollercoaster
Kind of rush
And I never knew I could feel
That much
And that's the way I loved you.

You can scream and cry
And wish for them back.
You can **** other people
Imagining its them instead.
You can wear their favorite cologne
And fall asleep with the stuffed
Hippo they got you.
You can re read every text,
Letter, and card.
You can wrap yourself
In the clothes they left you.
You can lost yourself in someone
Else's skin,
And try to forget its
Someone else.

Because nothing, nothing
Is going to bring them back.

And all you can do is be stuck in
The past.

Please stay
I love you and I need you
Please stay
I hear those words echoing in his voice
Every time he speaks

She called me pitiful
She said I was desperate
Called me a *******

So I went to my room
And cried like the
Pitiful desperate *******
I am.