I laid there in her arms and-
All I could think about was
How good she smelled and-
Her hand holding my shoulder
Moving up and down my arm and-
Her chest rising and falling
Beneath my ear and-
I couldn't wipe the nervous
Smile off my face and-
I don't have complete thoughts around her and-

So much swirling in my head
I can't organize it
All my hurt and my happiness
All my love and hate
In vibrant colors stretching and growing
Disappearing and boldly standing out
I don't know what I'm even feeling anymore
How does my life work
I want to get away
And be free
And be normal
My house is desolate
And unhappy
My heart is as ****** up as
The rest of theirs
I just know how to play the part
Of a normal person

Yes, my jealousy
Certainly does
Whisper the cruelest things
Into my ear.
It holds my heart so tightly
It makes it hurt.
It touches my stomach
And it's as if it is curdling milk
Turning sour and hard under
Jealousy's touch.
It makes me feel
The most unimaginable
Evils in my head
And uses my fingers
To type the words
I never could say,
stay away.
Because the thought of you
And her
Makes me jealous.
Makes me hate a part
Of myself I didn't even know was there.

One day
I'll say shut up
To my mom
And my dad
I'll say *******
To their condescending words
*******,
Mom and dad.
Maybe success
In school isn't at the top of
List considering its
SUMMER.

I never thought I
Would have a miracle happen to me.
Never could a miracle
Such as amazing and awesome
As her happen to me.
But... It did.
And I thank god every day because--
I get to be hers and she gets to be mine
And she loves me,
She loves me!
And she tolerates me,
My body and my flaws, my mistakes.
She takes them stride by stride
Every day and for that I thank
My beautiful Disney princess miracle
For staying with me through
My ******* for one year and three months.
I love you baby. ❤️❤️

She was the realest thing I ever had
Made me feel so **** complete
Lying in her arms
And feeling her chest rise and fall
I thought to myself
"I could stay here forever"
And drifted off to sleep.
Now,
Our relationship,
I see,
Was built on a foundation of lies
And crying
Pulling away
And being too needy all at once
I see her in the hallway
And my heart breaks
Every time
Cause she passes me by
Without looking once
And I'm so entranced by her walk
That I have to stop and watch

I wonder if you will ever look at my hello poetry page again. If you'll see my letters to you and smile, or look at the word him and grit your teeth. I can't say I miss you, because I shut it down when that sick missing feeling creeps up my throat. I haven't cried over you at all today, which is a small victory. I'm nervous to see you, because I don't know if I'll be able to restrain myself from kissing you and holding onto you. I don't want to. At least this way I can pretend you're gone on a trip, but after I see you I can't. Im dreading the awkward silence and uncomfortable words pushing through our teeth as a means of politeness. I don't want to remember our last time seeing eacother like that. Can't it stay as us sitting on ravens kitchen floor, laughing and kissing and kissing and kissing?
I'm not ready to move on.

Pulling a trigger
Is too harsh
Sudden
Fast.
Small meals,
Flushing toilets after,
Should do the trick.
Skinny. Skinny.
**** myself in a different way
Than with a bang,
And I'll creep instead,
I'm proud of ignoring
The hunger
Pounding in my stomach.

I feel my life
Moving on without me
Because I'm stuck in the past
In stuck on the way she kissed me
I'm stuck on the way he held me

Im stuck in the way she left me
Im stuck in the way he criticized me

Help me I'm so stuck
I'm drowning in my emotions
And Khayllia is my sinking lifeboat

I promise I'm trying
To be perfect skinny
Like she can
To make my ***
Perfect like she can
To roll my hips like she can
I promise I'm trying
To make your jaw hit
The floor
Like she can.

Abortion makes me cry.
That was US.
Sitting in our mothers,
A little miracle waiting to happen.
And then we did happen.
We grew and grew and our mothers
Held us and sang to us
And talked to us
And thought of us 24/7.
Then there we were, in her arms,
In our fathers,
In our adoptive parents.
But whoever it was,
They looked at us and cried,
Smiling at the future
And the present and everything to
Possibly come.
We were HERE.
In this wonderful,
Beautiful world.

But we lost many.
We watched them
Get ****** out,
Get thrown away.
We felt them die.
We felt the fear,
And the pain.
The burning pain.
And all we could think of
Was 'one of us is gone.'
We didn't know
We were alive
Because of spite
And anger.
We only knew our mothers
Whistle
And voice and laugh
And walk.
We knew nothing of
How or why,
Just that it was.
But we were gone anyways.

Sometimes
I dont even want to live
Each breath hurts my lungs
Labored and uneasy

And some days
I can feel my heart
Shrinking and
Turning into stone

I remember bursting
With life to the point
I felt I was going to
Tear out of my own skin

Now I feel I've shrunk
To my lungs and hurting heart
Because that's all I can feel

Oh Khayllia--
Isn't she just so beautiful?
So new.
Her cute curly hair
And her dimples when she smiles.

I bet it feels so good
Knowing you make her feel special.

She's so short.
Her eye brows plucked to
Perfection.
She is sweet.

I can see why you
Pulled her in.

You're such a snake.
I wonder how long it'll
Take you to get bored with her.
I wonder how much
It'll hurt her.

Feeling tendrils
Of insanity
Leak through my head
Down to my mouth
Everybody is surprised
To see me speak my mind.

See stupid carefree pictures
on stupid facebook
All those girls who are so pretty
they don't even have to try

Taste you on my lips
so long since we last kissed,
And all those **** girls
who don't even have to try.

You're holding them instead of me
voluntarily making promises
and reluctantly saying goodbye
those girls who don't even have to try.

And I had to try,
push and scream and cry
for you and then I finally realized
I'll never be one of those girls.

I think I'm okay
and I want to once again try,
but I can't.
I shouldn't have to, just like them.

I don't know what I want
from you or out of you
Just don't be with anyone else.
Don't make me have to try.

Aren't I just as good?

I close my eyes
And imagine
Of spending
Sunny summer days
With my sweet lover.
With her skin
And kiss
And drinking in her loud happy laugh
Getting drunk off of
****** homemade margaritas
And schnapps.
I imagine smoking
Cigarettes at the
Sliding glass door
And actually inhaling the smoke,
And feeling the burn.
I imagine running
My hands on her bare shoulder
And collarbones,
That look
She gets in her eyes
When I kiss her soft and slow,
And when joined our bodies
Warm and say
*finally, finally, finally.

She runs up to me
All five feet of her
Her chestnut hair
Glowing silkily
And her dainty
But strong arms wrap around me
And she rests her head on my shoulder.
"I'll miss you"
She says
And I can hear the tears in her voice
And I will miss her too
This girl
I have grown up with
Now off for her junior year
In college,
I will miss you too
My only big sister
Who I look up to so much.
I'll miss you.

Don't you remember
Me saying it
Isn't fun anymore?
But I see your boyish body
And sleepy face
And ***** and your
Nose is sniffling
And maybe bleeding,
Desperately snorting
Up any pill won't help.
And I recognize
My self hate
For saying no
When you wanted me to say yes
I could've saved you from all this
And given you a better life
But now you don't care
As long as you have a place to sleep
And you know where to get your fix.
I regret running to her
And into her safety
And her sturdy,
When I should've
Been helping you walk
But now you crawl
And I am so sorry
I wanted a better future for you
But I couldn't
I need her
To love me and
I need to love her
And we do but it's just----
You.
I love you.
I want to save you.
I really do.

Another drunken hook up
With a person I know all too well
Another "can't do that again"
And regret burning in my chest
I wish Friday night would
Rewind
Hell, I wish
May 27th would rewind.
I need her, ******!
I need her.

These young and new hands
Feel a forever weight of a ring.
They feel the roughness
Of a mans body.
Of clinging to his hand and
Suddenly pop
My hands, one moment squeezing
The living **** out of everything
Is now sweetly caressing
A newborn babe.
I feel my hands hold it
So carefully
And so cautiously,
And that is how
My hands dealt with him
For his life.
When he was sick
I'd rub his tummy
Or hold him
Or hug him
And feel my hands clutch
The safety grip
In the car as I taught him to drive.
Feel my hands holding onto a
Red graduation cap.
Then suddenly
My hands feel a new babe,
And my hands help out
To take care of her.
They would hold her
Until her father
And my son
Took her away into his.
And I feel her grow up
With every hug
And every pat on the knee.
And I'm so busy
Working with my hands
I don't notice them
Until I am failing to
Open a simple bottle for Advil.
I notice them.
And their veins
And their knuckles
And their soft old skin.
I feel their tiredness
And see their old spots.
My hands,
So busy with anything else in this world,
I didn't realize I was
Growing old.

She says
I don't deserve anybody
And a part of me believes her
I've been mean
I've let people down
I've cheated and lied
To the one I've loved
Im a monster
Wrapped in fair skin
And long blond hair
I'm a monster
With a sweet laugh
And shyness
I'm a monster
Who doesn't care
I'm a monster

And the audience loves me
And I love them,
And they love me for loving them
And I love them for loving me,
And we all love each other
And that's because we didn't get enough
Love in our childhoods...
That's showbiz, kid.

She cups my face
Kisses my nose
My forehead
My cheeks
My chin
Finally my lips
She pulls away
Opens her eyes
And whispers
*you are so beautiful
In every single way

I don't have a perfect smile
With pearly straight teeth
I don't have volumious hair
That cascades over my shoulders
I don't have long lashes
That naturally bat themselves
I don't have smooth flawless skin
That people can't stop touching
I don't have slender arms
I don't have skinny legs
I don't have soft cheeks
I don't have small fingers.

But I do have a smile
That brightens peoples days.
I do have long blond hair that
Reaches my waist.
I do have eyes that can smile
And pull anyone in with a look
I do have naturally warm skin
That is inviting to people
I do have muscular arms
I have ropey legs
I have warm red cheeks
And small warm hands to match.

I promise to hold you while you sleep
And listen to your favorite songs
I will always run my fingers
Through your hair and
Find a way to make you laugh.

I will love you with every fiber of my
Imperfect being,
If you let me.

(K- if you are reading this, I'd suggest stopping.)


I remember being with Mykayla and just feeling happy. Her laugh made me laugh. Her tears made me cry. Her skin was my skin. I know I talk about the bad times a lot, but 80% of our relationship was blissfully good. She was family. She could've been the one. She was my first, and I wanted nothing more than for her to be my last. We got so comfortable in our relation ship. It was like we were married. Our bond was so strong. We'd **** burp *** and **** in front of each other. We'd yell and fight and cry and fall asleep together all the same. No matter how bad it got, I knew it'd be worse once me and M broke up.

I was so sure of her and I.

Just like I'm so sure of you and I.

I'm not comparing you two, because I love you so **** much. You are worth more than a million billion trillion quadrillion mykaylas.

I can't afford to lose you. I need you so much it hurts. Please remember this. I cant lose you. If I do? I'm ******.

I feel like I belong with you.

And I hope you feel the same way.

Because if I felt that lost with a girl who
Soon got addicted to **** and failed
High school,
I cannot imagine how lost I will be when I lose my blond haired blue eyed girl.

I'm gonna be one sad girl if this ever ends.

I love you. I'm sorry you weren't and aren't happy with me. I'm sorry I kissed Tracy Saturday.
Even though we are broken up, it still felt like I was cheating. You were still mad.
I just...needed to feel something that wasn't ******* pain.
It wasn't that good. I wasn't trying to make you jealous. If I was, I certainly would have told you the second it happened.
But I am sorry you had to find out through other people.
I can't seem to let you go. I love you so **** much. All I can do is cry and throw up. I tried cutting myself. Four cuts on my leg and I couldn't bring myself to keep on going. What a ***** I am.
If you go to prom it'll be so heartbreaking. Both of us in our navy blue, but dancing separately.
I don't know if I'll be able to stand it.
I think I'll need a drink or two this Saturday.
I just miss you so ******* much. You were (are) my world.
I was so sure of you. I'm so stupid. So trusting, even after everything that happened. I wish you knew how much longer this "time alone" would take for you, because it's driving me out of my mind.

I am hurting inside.
I want to let it out.
But it has nowhere to go.

And I feel my mistake
Hit my like a wall
And I feel the hate
I am hopelessly in love me
But all I can ask is:
"what is wrong with me?"
So I fail nearly all my classes
Scrape by with a 2.5 gpa
And I sit in my room
Alone at last
And the smile goes away
And everything is in my mind
Swirling around until
I plug in my headphones
And turn it up so loud
I cannot think.

They're so obvious
In their want and desire
Hands itching to *****
And lips longing to kiss
It's unabashed and blunt
Greedy eyes staring
Down your shirt
And you say to yourself
"it's me they want"
Boy after boy
Ad you feel your skin
Become loose
And your hips jutting out
And your smile turn into a smirk
Because they can say
"you're not a *****"
But in their eyes you can see
That word printed
Into their corneas
And pupils
And you know.
Ÿöü know you are a *****.
But so wasted and spent,
You give up,
And let the next boy
With unpracticed hands
And sloppy kisses
Have you.
It's only after that you
Can even feel like crying.

You're completely unforgettable
Completely

       Unforgivable

You're the last straw
On my camels back

And my knees have buckled.

Oh Darlin',
You promised not to break my heart.
You promised to love me now and forever.

Too bad that love is a lying *****.
And so are you.

There was so much to hope for
To look forward to
To dream of and smile at.
God it just got crushed so badly.
No more us
Anymore. No more
"sunny summer days".
No more anniversaries
Or birthdays spent together,
No bike riding
No hope no us
It's all gone
Gone gone.

Good things come to those who wait.
I am waiting.
Good things come to those who wait.
I am waiting for you.
Good things come to those who wait.
I will always be waiting for you.
Good things to come to those who wait.
I will wait for you to realize what you want.
Because
Good things come,
To those who
Wait.

I want to
Take you
Into
My bed.

In the morning I'll leave you
In between the sheets,
A mess of short hair and
Sticky thighs.
Soft sighs.

Your back, broad
And wounded.
You take a shower alone.
You wince under its spray.

You never got my name.
Only heard me whisper yours.
Look for something in my drawers,
In my cabinets.
Find nothing.

Scrawl your number on a piece of paper.

Leave with the hope of me calling you back.

Know, that once you shut that door,
You'll never see or hear of me again.

No, I'm not okay.
No, I'm not happier without you.

I just want to be with you.
Only you.
I love you.

You are worth more than every star
That has ever existed,
I want you more than the air I
Breathe through my lungs.

Your smile is worth more than a
Billion of mine.
One of your kisses better than
All past lovers' kisses combined.

I love you so much, it keeps
Me up at night
Knowing I cannot be yours anymore.
I toss and turn,
Waiting for a bleak sleep
To come so I can wake up
And start my bleak day.

I want to be a beautiful creature,
Whose eyes sparkle and whose smile
Makes others smile.
I want to be a poet, a writer, a
Down to earth artist that isn't ******.
I want to be beautiful.
I want to enjoy drinking coffee and tea,
I want to smoke my cigarettes and make
People think, "**** I want to kiss that mouth."
I want my soul to be open
And each hand that cradles it, or
Flips through its pages,
Feel the thickness in its papers
And the weight of its words.

I want photographers to take pictures
Of my hands and the way I stand,
Look at them over and over again,
Plaster them against their walls
And grin when they see them.

But do you know what I really want?
Even if the world hates the way I talk,
Hates the way I laugh, walk, and exist,
I want you to love all of these things about me.

I want you to think that I'm a good writer
With a good soul.
I want you to take pictures of me because
Even though we are together forever-
You just need to capture this moment forever too.
I want you to hold my soul in your hands
And plant kisses upon the dog eared pagers.
I want you to bring flowers to my work, yes,
And I want you to love me like today is our last.

Instead,
You carry my heart and soul around in your back pocket, sit on it and only take it out and unfold it and read its contents when you're bored.
You hate poetry, you hate my poetry,
And you hate the way I love it.
You never take pictures of me
Because you don't think I am beautiful enough
To be captured in these moments together.

So the whole world hates me and you don't mind me.

I pretend not to mind me either.

I light a candle
But he lights a blunt
Five bowls in a row
Breathe in breathe out
this is what relaxing is about

Kiss the smoke off his lungs
As his tongue rolls
Down your neck and collarbone
Breathe in breathe out
This is what a "fun time" is about

He was loved by pastors
And drug addicts on the sidewalks
He was loved by his parents
And all his ex girlfriends,
He was loved by Jesus
And he was loved by ****** too.

His mother worries
Satan wanted him in hell
Just as much as God wanted
Him in heaven.

I wonder what his funeral
Looked like
I wonder what irony God had placed
Inside his heart that day.
Battle drug addiction for two, three, five years.
Get clean.
Then get run over by your own snowmachine.

Let your friend find it idling on top of you.
Let your mother cry over you
One
Last
Time.
Because she’s saying “he will be loved, he will be missed.”
But she’s loved him and missed him for years.

I think of you every now and then,
How it felt to kiss you
And how it felt to be near you.
I think of how you’d message me
Out of the blue, and how you’d always say
“You were my first love, Lindsey.”
Hell, most of my first poems written on here
Are about how much I loved you.

And now I’ll never know.
Now I’ll never get to say anything to you
Ever again.

Sometimes when I think of you it’s almost like a buzz going on in my pocket.
Like you’re messaging me late
And asking how I’m doing.

I’m doing fine, Jacob, I’m doing just fine.

Sometimes
When I look into my eyes
I see nothing
But black pupils
Staring back
Sharing nothing---
Emotionless
And physical
With nothing there
And sometimes
I touch my own skin
And I feel nothing
Underneath my fingertips
But the feel of flesh
And mortality
And I think of how wonderful life should be

And how I can't feel
ANY OF IT
I don't see the
WONDER
I don't feel the
AMAZEMENT
of my youth

And that is my depression.
Is that I can't feel anything.
I don't feel sad. Or mad.
And I want to. My depression isn't a
"boohoo hate myself"
It's an
"what have I become?"
Have I no joy in life?
No, I suppose not.

You left me
With very few words
Said.
No fights,
No falling out,
Just a soft thud
Of a heart falling
To my feet.

It feels so good to talk
To you now.
Like I can breathe again.
Just fresh air full of
Khaylliakhaylliakhayllia
Until I have to go
And my lungs cramp up
And tears threaten to spill.

You say you're empty inside.
I say you were the last thing
That could ever keep me full.

I find myself thinking of
Him
How he still loves me
And how Rays dad
Stepped on Rays foot
And threw Rays phone
Across the room
And how broken feet
And cracked screens
Don't compare to
His heart.

I am a wild child.
I have decades to go
Before I'm supposed to die.
I am young and in my teens.
I have homework and a long school day.
I have hurt and I have tears.
I have regrets and I have lies.
I have lies to myself.
And to others.
I have enemies.
But I also have no job
And anything I have is handed to me.
I am loved and I can make huge mistakes
Without being put in prison.
I am young and I am
As free as I will ever be.
I don't have to grow up for awhile now,
I get to live and laugh
And cry as I please.
Nobody to answer to, just me.
I'm reckless like the rest of us,
I smoke and I drink
And I party all night.
But it's okay because I can.
I am free.
I am youth.

I love the feeling of her hair
When it's wrapped in my fingers
And I love the look in her eyes
After we just kissed,
I love her laugh
When I tickle her
And I love her face
When she is staring off into space.
I love the fact she is embarrassed
About her perfect ****
And hides her face when I see it
I love every curve
Underneath my hands
And I love kissing a spot on
Her neck cause it gives her shivers...
I love her.

Too soon, oh too soon
did the bird leave her nest.
She flapped her wings,
Imagined she could fly.
Ne'er knew what failing would bring...
Until she hit the ground
With her last despairing cry.

Sneaky obsessed *******-
If you don't like what I write
Get the ******* of it!
I only told you about this place
Cause I trusted you,
Cause I thought I loved you.

Don't you turn the words Im feeling
Into some kinda crime.
Don't get offended- its not meant for your eyes.

Its meant for mine.

You weren't good for me
The way a cigarette isn't good for anyone

I wanted to **** you in
And breathe you out slow
Use you up
Until all you were was trash

But surprise
In the end
You drug me down with you
And now I've got
To go to the doctors
For all these new scars
I've got on my legs
To match the marks you left
On my lungs

Everyone under the age of 25
Is so scared that they
Won't find the love of their life

You know who should be scared?
People at age 40 or 50
Who have multiple ended marriages
Because who
Could ever possibly
Be the one for them?

So much wasted time, and
So much wasted youth.

Is it normal to still be crying
To still have tears in your throat
Where your boyfriends ****
Was just yesterday?
Is it normal to kiss
And only think about her kiss
Her hands
Her soft yet demanding love
I'm enraptured I'm captured
I'm mesmerized and entranced
I've loved and lost
But never quite like this
I'm head over heels
For her smile and her touch
I'm desperate and sick
I'm needy and I've got to have her
******* I'm still in love.
Still in love.
With her.

We bicker back and forth
Smiling and laughing
Phone calls and texts.
It seems like he is
Down the street..
But in real life he is
Hundreds of miles away.
If I close my eyes
I can almost imagine it.

Everybody around me
Walks in warm sand
That is sturdy enough
To Hold them up
And Just the right
Amount if clingy
That sticks to your
Cheeks and legs
And torso.

I walk in
Cold sand
That swallows me whole
And let's me fall
And it clogs my
Ears so I cant hear
And scratches my eyes
So I am blind
It runs to my lungs
Through my nose and my mouth
So I cannot breathe.

I have found a way
To hurt myself
Without making
One slice of skin
With a pretty razor.
Instead I say no to
Lunch and breakfast.
The pain in my stomach
Is almost comforting now.
I go home
Have a snack
And eat a small dinner
And I love that hunger
That physical want towards life
It sobers me a little,
Makes me lose a little,
Makes me seem real.
But nowadays
Nothing seems as real as
My growling stomach.