when people said “i love you” but i said, “i adore him to the point i thank him for existing”

when people said "i love you" but i said, "i would recognise his odor in thousands of crowd"

when people said "i love you" but i said, "he is the first thing that i mention through my prayers"

when people said "i love you" but i said, "my brain refuses to think about anything but you"

when people said "i love you" but i said, "it's crazy how my mind leads to you to every love song that is playing"

when people said "i love you" but i said, "he is the first thing i reminisce to every matcha store i stumbled upon"

when people said "i love you" but i said, "i would spot his footsteps in a muddy dark forest"

when people said "i love you" but i said, "i learn how to cook for him where these dishes are crafted with love"

when people said "i love you" but i said, "i have been adjusted to be all ears for him when the whole world turned him down"

when people said "i love you" but i said, "i don't want him to translate. i would speak his language, i want learn the language of his soul"

this is somewhat unfathomable, but, half of me hates him for what he did, half of me still longs for him.

what is this phenomenon, mother nature? why do I still have space for compassions, for him? why do I still see him highly?

was it my blinded eyes or love-polluted mind?

nothing have i ever laid my eyes on something so tender and soft; the palm of his hand, and the tone he used as he speaks.

no matter how far i’ve wandered around, the string of mine goes back to him, a man whose existence caught my existence, 3 years ago, at Brighthelm.

something was giggling merrily inside of me the moment i was with him. it was my inner little girl, she was happy. a man that is so serene, a safe place to be with, and a situation where finally she doesn’t have to be in a survival mode. she couldn’t ask for more; that’s what she craves for. that’s enough. that’s enough for the rest of her life.

but she murmured, and asked me, will we ever be able to see him again? a part of me highkey wish to say “yes” but fate is something that’s not under my control, so, “i don’t know. we will see. but let’s just pray.”

when I was little, mum told me not to go too far, or Iwill be lost
she warned me about the monsters and creeps that live inside the forest
said don’t go there, it’s dangerous
told I might not come back, or turning into one

in the living room,
she always tells me about them
and how they threaten humans for years
there was a myth where they harm us
as if they’re something that is very dangerous

I went back to my chamber
staring at myself on the mirror

sighs.

poor old lady
sad to see how much she’s scared of monsters
not knowing and realising
that all this time, she’s actually given birth to one.

if I die, please don’t cry
don’t mourn on my graveyard
for i’ve been dead for my whole life
little did they know they have killed me inside ever since
with words, or doings

if i die, please don’t cry
what will you see is just my rotten body
what will you cry over is just my engraved names
what will you care about is just my adieu
in 6 feet under

if i die, please don’t cry
you weren’t there when i was still alive
you decided to succumb when i want to fight
you kicked up your heels when i was hurting for nights

promise me not to cry, my darling
mourning won’t change anything
always remember that you pushed me when all i did was begging

if you cry, that will just hurt me to the bone
knowing that to any of you, I only matter when i’m gone.

Once in a lifetime…I found a guy.
Someone that I never thought he’d be my home.
My safe place.

How I wish I met him sooner.
I want to hug him so bad.
Kiss him.
I want him to know how much I love him…
How much I adore him…
How thankful I am that he exists.
How my life went easier since he came.

How my heart is attached to him.
He gives me comfort in this cruel word.
He gives me love when hatred is all I got.
He lifted my burden.
He supports me when the whole world is trying to bring me down.
He gives me home when I am…homeless.
He protects me from things that could harm me.

i dont see him being optimistic and faithful as i am.

i dont see him believing in relationship we have. i dont see him believe in our future either. especially when he told me he does not know where this going to be.

and he doesnt see what i see.

o be young, and in love. aaah. -love, by lana del rey.

all i know is that love is the purest feeling in the world. loving the right person gives you peace.

makes me realised how beautiful… that love does not discriminate the difference between us.

it is beautiful to see how love unites us, but also disheartening seeing us separated by differences we have.

see how heartbroken it is how differences separate you from someone you truly love. and there is nothing you can do about it. you’re stuck. you’re powerless.

lowkey how I wish this is all a nightmare that I cant wait to wake up from.

I love you with all of my heart. i love you. i love you. i love you.

but **** valentine, i love you everyday. i dont need a special day to celebrate it. all the days ive spent with you are already special.

everyday is valentine day when im with you.

you are precious to me, a. you are my everyday valentine.

it was 5 April 2022.

tonight, as I reminisce the moment that day, I can't stop my lips to smile.

the eye contact we made that after 2 months apart,
and the hug at the airport like a long lost lovebirds finally reunite;
it still makes me smiling right until now.

that I can finally smell your odor again, that Versace Pour Homme suits you well. which I bought for you. makes me want to hug you longer and sniff it.
and drown my head on your shoulder.

yes, airport is the place where you can find the purest hug.

"hey."
"have you ever thoughtㅡabout where do this crazy little thing called love come from?"

"I did."

"then?"
"it comes by itself. Somehow, it also comes from the people around us.

"you mean, the circle we're in?"

"it can be."

"but how about strangers you met online?"

"it also can be."

"weird. you can't fall in love with them online."

"you can."
"and I don't care where does it come from, all I need is a love that pure and sincere. you can find it everywhere."
"oh. and you know what?"

"what?"

"that love is built, not found."

I might have tried, but guess. I'm done.
I keep trying, I keep coming in, but you build a wall on us.

I'm stucked.

Between, rather to wreck your wall or step back. To the place where I belong,

Because I know. I do realize, I'm not your home. I can't be one. And I'm not, and can't be yours either.


Sorry.

there were some growing aches, but you came and heal it.
there were some growing pains, but you replace them with your purity.
there were some illnesses, but you treat them well.
there was an aching soul, but you hold it tight.

there was my darkest time, but something lead me to a light. I never knew, you are that light.
there was me struggling, can't find my way back home. a whisper told me, you are my home.
there was me looking for something lost, then I found you back.
there was playing my puzzle, can't complete it well. but then you came, my missing puzzle piece.

there was me drowning in my world. but you held me up, save me in your arms, telling everything's fine, as long as I'm with you.

hello, I miss you very much.
but later on, you ignored me.
you left me on read.
I know you're so busy but hey?
oh. nevermind, I'm sorry if my existence and my texts disturb you.

I know, life is being hard. to me, not to you. and I need you to cheer me up but?? I want nothing. I just want you, your attention, like usual. but you came up with this. your ignorance. and that's hurts.

I never ask for money, free treats, jewels, or anything else. I just want you. I know, I'm not-so-called-a-pretty-and-hottie-girl. I'm showing you my real side. like, my love for you. lol. so cheesy.

If you're wondering out up to the sky, remember. Don't ever forget, that I'll always by your side. behind ya. I got your back. When the world's trying to bring you down, I'm here. I'll always be here for you, cheering you up, helping you with these burdens called "tugas-dari-guru-guru-terlebih-yang-killer" ehe. I'll stand by your side, I'd never leave you, trust me. Some of people may think "janji ada untuk dilanggar" but not for me.

I...I'm sorry for everything. Sorry for those times when you were burned up because of me. I'm sorry for disturbing you, just. sorry, sorry, and sorry.  sorry for my weakness.

Tolong, maafin kekuranganku, keburukanku, dan lain-lainnya, ya. Aku lagi berusaha untuk menjadi lebih dewasa, tentunya.

I don't know if you read this or not,  I'm just sharing my thoughts 'anonymously' here. I can't say nothing beside "I miss you" and type this ( a not so called ) long *** paragraph.

Have a blast friday, baby. My precious human.

Times by times, days by days,
Months have passed.
All the ups and downs that we’ve been through,
Is now painted in the sky, by the wind who’ve seen it all.

All the memories that we’ve made,
Is now hung up in the sky, by the wind who’ve seen it all.

All the secrets and promises that we’ve shared together,
Is now held in our hearts, by the wind who’ve heard it all.

And now, we're ready to face the new journey.

She's a mess.
Her mind also.
Everything just ****** up.

As the rain kept falling down,
The atmosphere became lower,
And lower.
The lovebirds went back to their
nest,
to warm their bodies up.

When the rainfalls hit the
window,
I realized,
There's one thing happened,
That I make my own rain,
On my eyes.

"******* people easily?"

"It's simple."
"All you need to do is hit them with insecurity, and alsoㅡa bit of anxiety."

'cause there's no one,
that could love you,
the. way. I. do.
Note this.

It's only me.
I promise.

And be sure to face me first,
before you take him from my arms.

If you want to get the job,
you better know who's the boss.

"They aren't real. They only exist in your fantasy."

Mum said, back then when I was still a little bun.

But, the I older I become, the more I know.

They are indeed real.
They live arround us.
They socialize with us.
They are here, stay with us.
Every single day.

Also,
One thing that you've never known before;
They live, inside us.

Everytime I have to talk with him, I get the ease.
Everytime I get to see him, I get the jitters.
Everytime I think about him, I get the serenity.

Everytime I'm with him, he gives me the delight.

And in that 'every', I didn't realize, that he sow many love seeds, down, deep, inside my heart.

I'm such a super duper nice person.



But if I act like a ***** to you,
You need to ask yourself why.

Sometimes,
human doesn't need any toxins,
any drugs,
or any weapons,
to **** them.

But,
anxiety, and insecurity,
will do.

They're enough.

il est neuf-trente-neuf ici,
J'espère que vous dors bien,
et ont un beau rêve.

Merci pour aujourd'hui,
Je t'aime de tout mon coeur.

As long as it takes to count all the stars.

28.
Thank you, for flying me up to the sky.

I never knew,
that I'd be this happy,
in the ending of this,
September.

Your visage is like the rain that falls,
down to earth,
that creates a peaceful vibes.

And your smile,
is like the cumulonimbus that creates thunder,
that gives the death smirk.

And I'm, I'm the earth.
who receives your lightning.
But that kind of lightning,
is the one that soothes me down.

8.
We have our first sight.
He said my name for the first time.
I felt nothing.
It was so strange.
How could he did that while we both don't even know to each other?
I have something written in my mind ; what's wrong with him, though?
Tsk.

30.
I was in a same cirlcle with him.
Then,
He talked to me.
By this world called internet.
I slightly thought. Well, he's a nice guy afterall.

4.

Walking down thru the streets, then I found ya.
I gave you that strange look. But you smiled, as a return.
I turned back.
We were eyes to eyes.
And, I was fascinated by your smile. glace. charm. aura.
But in the end, I was trying to neglect it.

9.
I made fun of him.
And on the next day,
He said my name, again.
With that big eyes, pointed nose, rosy lips, peachy cheeks,
He protested. angrily, in a cute way.
Gosh.
But I just keep lost on my own thoughts,
and ignored him.

26.
He hit me.
and successly, made his place in my heart.
I went home, with a big grin painted on my face.

27.
Aujourd'hui.
At the second floor,
we met.
He threw his 'usual smile ; a smile that could turn me on.
He greeted.
I never knew, that he'd be like this.
The earth shakes, it's all that I could take.


I'm just, really love how he brighten up my days from the start. Even when I ignored him at first, he is still kind.

Cher R,
You're so kind.
I adore you, v much.

;

As long as neptunus surrounds the sun.

ㅡ

We aren't mimi lan mintuno.


;


I was never his mimi,
And he was never my mintuno.

The night,
The sounds,
The scenery,
The times,
Everything is just the same.

But then I realized,
There’s one thing different,
That thing is, our minds, our thoughts,
And our feelings also,
Aren’t the same.

- Aud.

"He'll never like you,
nor, love ya."

The reality has slapped me hard.
So hard.
But I must go on,
I must sail my ship to another harbour,
And leave, the old one.

He's such a saint, and I'm a sinner.

"We shouldn't love, we're different."

Like a ****** hand that holds thorny roses so tight,
I let him go.

I let him go, like I let my blood dries up, after I throw the thorny roses, away.