All it took was one look
One memory
One flashback
One feeling
I'm back again
I remember it all.
The sadness
The irritability
The feeling of worthlessness
The feeling of impending death
The breakdown...
I'm back again.
And this time may be the last.

I can't cry.
I don't even remember what it feels like to cry.
I miss the feeling of tears running down my face and on to my pillow creating a pool of sadness.

I just want to explain how I feel.
My throat is tight and each breath I take I have to spend extra time trying to make sure I can actually breathe.
Sometimes, I can't.
Sometimes, I try to breathe but it won't work and I get dizzy. I feel dead. Numb.
I try so hard just to breathe and it doesn't work.
I want to talk. I wish I could say everything I want to say. But it's really hard to talk when you can't breathe.
I want to love. I want the feelings that I know I used to have back. I want all my feelings back. But, nowadays it's as if I can't feel a thing. Numb.
I tried to cry. For 2 hours. I wanted to know I was still alive, that I was still a person with air and lungs and feelings. No tears came out. I never cried. I want to so bad. I don't know if I am even alive anymore.
But I want to be.
God, I want to live so bad.
I used to think I wanted to die. I used to tell myself I wanted to vanish from life and be gone forever.
I don't..
I want to live. It is so exhausting to want to live. Have you ever wanted to live?
Does anyone, anywhere, want to live?
I can't live. I've been trying for so long and I'm so exhausted. I'm so over it. I am so over wanting to live. Please.

Give me the shaking knees and sweaty palms.
I want the sad and angry. 
I love the stress.
I get drunk on disappointment.
I like the suffocating feeling.
I know I have to talk myself into doing anything involving human interaction but I like that.
I want my anxiety.
I want my feelings of dizziness and overwhelming fear of impending death.
I'm fine with my inability to stay calm.
And even if I didn't want all these things what do you offer?
Hour long sessions of breathing techniques? 
No. 
I'll keep my muscle tension.
I want my insomnia.
I like my anxiety.
It is a part of me.
I like me. 
I want me.

Remember the day your friends were comparing scars? On their arms and upper thighs
They asked you where yours were and you said,
"Inside."
Did they know then, that your scars still burn when you touch them? That if you think about them for too long, you are right there again?
They asked you if they could see yours and you said,
"Sure."

I can't breathe anymore
I can't think straight anymore
I don't know what is going on with me but my mind is not my own
I'm panicking again
oh no, here comes the panicking again.
I still can't breathe and my thoughts are not my own.
my doctor put me on celexa...I hate it.
I can't think.
I can't breathe.
Please let me go.
my doctor thinks I'm fine.
she smiles too much.
but I really can't ******* breathe.

One day, I was painting my nails. It seems like a simple enough task and I have done it many times before. I couldn't seem to paint the nail how I wanted to. It looked wrong to me. I started over 4 times. The fourth time
my heart started beating very fast and i was sweating i felt trapped in the room and i started to feel i was the only person that existed in the world and death was impending
15 minutes later
I could breathe again. Slowly, I realized I existed and I was alive. I realized life is a reality.
But,
I am always afraid. I live my life always afraid. That one day, one moment, one time

It is going to happen again.

When people ask you why you're awake at 4 am
why don't you just tell them you haven't slept since the accident
When people ask what accident
why don't you tell them about the one in your soul