Sometimes I miss you so much I want to throw up, the thought of you with someone else makes me want to blow up, I choke up, I smoke up, drink up and shut up just to keep my love for you sewed up and locked up.

As I fill up my inflatable float with distractions, I’m scared one day it will erupt from the build-up of my anxiety’s reactions and blow the **** up in the face of all my current transactions.

I’m sorry I’m messed up, but I’m getting through it day by day but hey, I honestly wouldn’t want it any other way so I’m going to keep inflating and hopefully keep going up, up, up and away until one day I won’t give a **** how high I’ve gone up and I know in my heart that that’s whats up.

I know your mind is tired

Stressed out
Worn out

I know your heart is weak
But so strong
The things you have experienced
I wish you weren't alone in those times

Shaky
But you still manage to smile so beautifully

I know you were meant to find me

And I was meant to make you, your heart , your brain...smile

I am your dopamine

my mom was right
when she said "don't look into their pretty eyes
you'll lose yourself in them" she said
"and they'll steal the most beautiful parts of you for themselves"
but i did not listen to my mother
instead i listened to the boys with eyes full of wonder
when they filled my head with lies
i suppose i had a thing for the way the words tasted off their tongues
making me feel they could do no wrong

my mom was right
when she said "don't let them taste your beautiful skin
they'll never be able to see you as more than a body after that" she said
but i was a silly little girl
and i bared flesh to the boys with strong hands
and sparkling teeth
it was just that when they touched me
it felt as if they'd never let me go
i felt safe
but i ended up becoming just another flavor on their list
a one-time taste

my mom was right
when she said "don't fall for the ones who seem to care about that precious mind of yours
because they don't"
she said
"because they never will"
she said
"they’re using your mind & your thoughts
as a method to get inside your body"
she said
yet i ended up pouring out my heart to boys with faces shining as bright as the moon
i told them about my wildest desires and my craziest dreams
like how i wanted to change the world and make people smile
they smiled
and listened
while they slowly unbuttoned my top
one piece of clothing at a time
i undressed my soul when all they wanted was for me to undress my body

my mom was right
when she said "don’t fall in love with their “live fast die young” attitudes
their definition of living in the moment
is use and abuse, my darling daughter,
don’t listen to the words they speak with their hands"
she said
"don’t let them fool you into thinking that your one night long romance
is b e a u t i f u l"
but i couldn’t help myself
i fell hard and i fell fast
spent the rest of my nights
wondering why it felt so wrong when at the time it felt so right
i blamed myself for being too clingy
when the truth was
i was just naïve and silly
they asked for my body
and i gave them my heart along with it
silly
silly
silly girl

my mom was right all along
& i wish i'd realized that
before i ended up all alone in my bed
my blanket full of regret
and stains of my mistakes
i'm sorry, mommy,
i'm sorry i didn’t realize you were right from the very start
now i'm paying my dues in *sweat, blood & tears

what I miss about you most is the way you kept trying to impress me even though you knew I was head over heels in love with you

what I miss about you most is the way you let my white lies go because you knew it wasn’t worth arguing (no damage done)

what I miss about you most is the way you’d sing to me all night if I asked you to, even if you had a sore throat

what I miss about you most is the way you’d sneak out of the house just to talk to me even though your dad would **** you if he found out

what I miss about you most is the fact that you wanted to introduce me to all the special people in your world as if inviting me into your life to stay

what I miss about you most is how you listened to me night after night and reassured me day after day without a word of complaint

what I miss about you most is the way you’d admire me and look at me with eyes full of acceptance and trust like I was the only star in your sky

**but what I miss the most- truly miss the most- is not needing to write down what I miss about you because you were always there and never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that I’d ever have to narrate the story of us in the past tense rather than present, future or even past continuous and this hollow feeling inside me has driven me to insanity with its bitter longing and sorrowful regret because what I dearly deeply honestly miss the most is everything we were and everything we were to be