my body is missing something
so i try to cover it in more fabric
bright colors and dark colors
skin tight or loose or covering no skin at all
but still my body is missing something
so i try to drink something
water or soda or juice or gin
i try wine so maybe my tongue will taste
as bitter as i feel
but still my body is missing something
so i scrub it
i place it under a steady stream of water
and i lather it in soap and i scrub away
until surely i must be brand new
but still my body is missing something
so i eat and devour
sweet and salty and bitter and comforting
and it sticks to the roof of my mouth
and i think maybe that’s what it was
but still my body is missing something
my body is craving something
i think it just wants
to be different.

i would like my body
if it were anyone else’s
it’s just that it follows me everywhere
if i could get five minutes alone
i think i could find it in me
to miss her.

this morning the sunlight was heavy
the air was like a blanket
and my brain told me to rise
but my eyes, they told me to rest
i did both
and thus, found a february peace
on the sidewalks.

she’s spilling over with sunshine
and i’m searching for songs
that are just gonna make me sadder

i’m really not good at existing
on sundays.

i make my bed in a garden
my friends are flowers and they’re blooming
and i’m still obsessed with decay
my body is not enough
how can i be the hero
when i’m living inside the villain?

as ruas do coração dela
estavam desertos
ela não tinha nada
para ajudar cidades
que ela não tinha visto

ela estava sozinha
mas as cidades,
eles chamaram
o nome dela.

a coral reef would never judge me
for taking up too much space
it would just sway in the current
and tell me that
there’s a whole ocean out there
and i don’t have to settle
at the bottom.

i tell the hummingbirds in my belly
to keep track of all the places
they've started fluttering

a doorway in virginia
where you stopped and gave me that grin
and i heard your voice calling me "honeybun"
for weeks

a couch in memphis
pulled out and covered like a ghost
i felt transparent as you slept
and rolled over to me
but you curled around me like a flower petal
and that's a smoothness
i can still feel

a backseat in south carolina
an alternating current of whispers
about things we can't change now
and jokes about things we
wouldn't want to

a living room in knoxville
your assortment of alcohol was
displayed on your cheeks
rosy and pink and i wrote a poem
about it already, about how
i wanted a hand on my knee
but i was fine with little giggles
on the walk home

on a plane in california
you were thousands of miles away
but i needed you to tell me
that i'd make it home safely
and you did

a late night diner on melrose place
french fries and opinions
i told you something important
and i don't think you've forgotten it

four a.m. in the back of the library
talking about biology
and our favorite things in life
we'd laugh until nothing was funny
and then we'd just be honest

in a booth in the middle of a mcdonald's.
i had forgotten this one.
i had been wondering recently
when our friendship actually started.
what were we,
before honeybun?
before sharing a bed?
before car rides home?
before too much wine?
before i needed your steadiness?
before too much backstory?
before hours of biology i never even learned?
before that first time,
when our group of friends
said, "let's meet at mcdonald's"
and it turned into just me and you?

when did the hummingbirds start fluttering?
when will i learn
that they're not going to stop?

my torso is static today
but there’s no movement in there
my chest dips inward
and my shoulders follow
until i’m inside out and prickly

your body is soft
and i miss it
don’t tell mine
it’ll just be
jealous.

i burned up in a house fire
with a home made of cardboard
the floor made of grass
i want cotton on my ankle
can he hold me please
can me be gentle with my shattered pieces
i know you can be
i miss you from three feet away
and if i fall asleep
before i can tell you i’m proud
i’ll just tell you
tomorrow.

you make sense
and i make poetry
no one is allowed
to make both.

you look at a marble
and you see a moment
it rolls across the floor and
you know that it's time spinning by
like a memory you haven't witnessed yet

you know sacrifice
like no other.

i think it's probably the idea
of such blatant goodness
that really draws me in
i know happiness will linger
where he walks
so i'll follow
because it's that kind of happiness
that i need.

i drop a coin in the slot
at the crown of my head

it tumbles to my feet and
rattles like a safety pin on a key ring

i've been slipping in pennies
for years and still
they never seem to pile up.

what about him fills the hole in my heart?
why was there a hole in my heart anyway?
why do i get so cold over here?

it's a battle between
the painting and the profit
and we're all looking for
a little change.

i am so heavy
string tied to my rib cage
like the delicate bow of my lips
behind the bars it’s ice
and behind my teeth it’s dry

an entire universe
is spiral bound
and waiting for me to finally
take some responsibility

sometimes i have to spend the night doing nothing
it’s sad but it’s honest
i can’t tell if i’m lonely or hungry

i think i have an appetite
for misfortune

you are too good for me
far too much, far to precious
i'm callous and nothing like what i think i am
you are going to do good in this world
and i am just going home.

he may be the head-over-heels
this-time-it's-real
what-the-hell-do-i-feel
kind of in love with her;
he may be the lose-his-mind
without-her-shine
create-a-world-within-her-eyes
ki­nd of in love with her;
he may be the always-and-forever
nothing-better, scarlet-letter
kind of in love with her;
or maybe he's not.
who's to say?

i am not different
i am nothing like you
i am nothing but sorry
i am temporary but
i am in denial
i am listening and listening and listening
i am so many things
i am nineteen and
i am out of answers and
i am trying still.

our bodies were made for dirt and dust
to glimmer in those early morning sunbeams
and the colors that shine through crystals
to settle on shelves around the edges
of picture frames and trophies
to cradle seeds that will crack open
and reach for the sun
to get underneath fingernails
and be swept into dustpans
and reclaim the nature that being alive
makes us forget
we’ll be dirt and dust when we’re dead
so for now
just try to appreciate the bodies
that came before you

everything is temporary always
even if the marker
can’t be erased
the mirror can still
be broken.

we’ve been apart most moments so far
my throat scratches like a broken record
when i say i miss you
and when we pause in the hallway
almost leaving but wanting to stay
i remember why.

eu lhe adoro tanto quanto
o sol adora o mar
está chovendo mas
eu ainda posso ver vé-la brilhando
ela não é uma rival
ela nos assiste com amor
que mesma maneira
eu lhe assiste.

he’ll tell me to breathe
but i already will be
still i’ll listen
for the soft, cruel memories
and their retreat
it’s never a battle
just a wandering army
watering plants that look as if
they’ll outgrow me one day
i hope to live to see
the maple rise
and think back to when my fingers
were wrapping themselves in cobwebs
just to see what kind of dust
they’d discover
one day our town will be far behind me
but it has always been proof
of what lies ahead.

and when you said
laughter is like a foreign language
i imagined that i was
teaching you how to
speak it

my god have i mentioned
that it hurts
i’m consumed and waiting
in the belly of this beast
no one asks so
no one knows
and that’s the way
he likes it.

i’ve got a sweet tooth
that you steal every few days
and i roll this bitter taste
around on my tongue
and ******* it i’m just so sad
and i’m so ******* sorry
that you’ve made me hate you
because i love you
so much that you have too much power
i’ll always race to save you
and you know it
and that’s how it will be
forever and ever
and ever.

seventy two degrees
cross cross on the hardwood floor
bohemian rhapsody
and moscato sangria
we spent the first minute of 2019
clinking plastic champagne cups
and making noise
i hope they heard us in hunstville
we’re the type to cheer
for other time zones too
i loved giggling and starting something new
i hope new year’s eve comes around again
next year too

you snake your arms around my neck
wine stain on my lips i said
i love you
i got this year for you brand new
it’s enough to know my name
is on the tag.

i do it all for the noise
that it causes
treat it like a
kick it like a
habit
my beauty sounds like a yawn
i'll put us in story mode next time
so maybe we can finally dance like we mean it
falling asleep to the thought
of travelling back in time and
meeting a beautiful face
that i don't love nearly as much
as i love yours
i'll wade through my sad memories
and you'll comb through yours
and we'll know we could have done things
so much differently
but that would mean we wouldn't be here
sitting cross-legged on the living room floor
fingers twisted and hearts broken
fixing a world
that never wanted to be fixed.

we rise from the wreckage
and i love you just enough
to know that you love me too.

i’m sure my shoes will slide off my feet
without the velvet straps
and the wind will slip in
through the knits in my sleeves
and my lipstick will end up
on my chin
and my mouth will go numb
craving a new taste
but this anger that i’m harboring
is fruitless and useless
i just like it
so **** much.

while finding fascinating ways
to confront the ache in my jaw
i try to find a compromise
with the weather:
you can rain today
so long as the rivers
stay off the streets.

just let me
make myself sad
in peace.

i left a tear in the pacific
he sang gimme the beat boys
and i slipped out of my heels
imagined the ocean from atop a mountain
the waves had me swaying and weeping
and the salt found its way home
they hung lights over ocean avenue
these city streets and their poetry
have convinced me that home
was never anywhere else
i sat on the edge of the santa monica pier
and i knew
more than i have ever known anything
that i would be back.

the misty skyline at 11am was what did it
there were also the neon lights
flashing a few blocks uphill
the silhouettes of palm trees
and the smell of gasoline and churros
one couple behind me speaking russian
and a group in front speaking spanish
stepping on the stars
and capturing moments in the sky
those big block letters on the mountain
and also the rest of the mountains
the picturesque hanging lights
and dimly lit restaurants
the balconies and the bustling crowds
panhandlers with their money’s worth
and a nighttime energy to die for
but it was the misty skyline at 11am that did it
this truly is the city of angels
and i am among the stars

we all put eggshells in our mouths
and beg for company
while we change the world
big changes are made by small footsteps
they forget to tell you that
in the shoe store
we’d rather turn ourselves to stone
than turn to face the mirror
i am not nervous
but terrified
but i’ll embrace the machine
anyway

my mind weaving baskets
and my arms weaving hugs from the backseat
so many thank-you-for-loving-me's
all i could do was laugh and love you
(thank god i didn't call you like i wanted to)
you told me you wanted my happiness
where it belonged
with the others like me in the kitchen
i told you that you were wrong
i'd never leave you so solitary
oh don't you forget what i said in my stupor
in my public display of desire for affection
(what would i have said?)
you've seen me at my worst now
and even then all i can say is how
much i adore you and miss you
it must be my most passionate truth
(too much)

He told me I was his best friend
I’m sure it was just like on campus and I d him he was my best friend which is true like on campus and he’s so kind and sweet and I love him so much
He’s the Jake to my Amy
Kylie said he was Lindsay Lohan and I was his Aaron like right off the bat no question and we’re a pair
He makes me so happy
He wasn’t going to drive but he drove me nd didn’t drink because of that even though I told him we could switch and I felt bad because he had fun at mtsu but he told me it was okay and he kept saying it and I love and value him so much
He dealt with me drunk and he’s so cute
His face is so sparkly
I want to hold his hand
Imagine if I did
I sat beside him on the couch and we were close and pressed against each other and he eventually moved later to another chair and I know that it’s because he didn’t like it but omfg what if he just knows better bc he feels things
I know it’s not true but I’m writing my drink thoughts
I left my gum at Hannah’s house but it’s okay
I had approx 3 cups of wine and a cup of *****/7 up/cranberry juice and half a cup of *****/dr pepper
I love him. I just do. It’s a fact. I’m so fixing grateful that we’re friends.
I’m a *******
“You’re my best friend too, I don’t talk toanyone”
“Really?”
“Yeah”
“Ok ok say it again”
“I don’t talk to anyone”
“No the first thing”
“You’re my best friend”
“*** I love u I’m gonna give u a hug from back here thank you for driving everything and I love u and I’m gonna miss you -“
“I’ll miss you too”
“And just thank you”
That was the convo before he drove away and I went inside and I sent some messages to him and I’m sitting in my cozy room still tipsy and  thinking about him and that’s all

Even sober, I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone else. He may be it. I sat with him on the couch all night and I don’t remember a lot but I remember us laughing and me looking him in the eye and loving him unconditionally. I felt like we had been disconnected for a little while but I’ll really never stop loving him he’s the Jake to my Amy I’m definitely Amy and he’s definitely Jake and i hope one way we end up with each other sometimes I wonder what will happen after we graduate but I love him and try not to think about it but either way I love him and that’s all.

That’s really all. He’s home safe and I couldn’t be happier. What if he kissed me

What would that be like

I imagined it a lot tonight

I don’t remember much from tonight but I remember looking at him and just loving him. He’s everything to me. I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone else. I’m going to sleep watching Brooklyn 99 and the fact that he loves this show is so amazing. He’s perfect. I’m trying to stop typing but I can’t.

I bought his water tonight. Didn’t notice until later that he couldn’t drink because he was driving. He had a swig if ***** but didn’t feel anything. I told him I knew he would and he didn’t believe me but I knew he would. Maybe I really do know him.

I wonder if I’ll be hungover probably

Reminder to self look back at messages to Endia kaylinn as Jacob just to make sure you weren’t stupid

I love Endia I’m glad she knows that now and I’m glad she told me she loves me too and I told her that I was always surprised that she didn’t and that she defended it it makes me feel so good to know that she really does value me like that

I’m laying/lying down goodnight I love Jacob and Endia and kaylinn and Kylie and bell and Val and Kyle and Hannah and Evan and Maryellen and Mackenzie and Denee and Jenna and myself <3

My lips are still numb

it’s that song
that puts you in a pillow soft sadness
i press my face to the window
and look down at the street
and imagine falling in love to this tune
in my head it’s snowy
and my hands miss something i’ve never held
but i’ll hold it soon
i’m sure.
i love this misfortune
and i’m grateful for every minute.

i’m sorry i’m in love with him
i know he’s your birdsong in the early mornings
and your lemonade in the humid afternoon
and your sweater when the night gets chilly
i know he’s your everything
at any time of day
it’s just that most days
you aren’t his.

my heart is wrung out
and exhausted
i know that neither fake teeth
nor grisly scars
are innocent in this home
but the good news is that it’s not really
a home anymore
so you don’t have to worry
about that.

it’s so romantic
thinking about wasting time
just because i love being with myself
this score of music
makes me dizzy
overcome by the smell on your clothes
you roll up your sleeves
and i love you unconditionally
imagine how much stronger i could love you
if i loved me
too

today is such a day to feel melancholy
the puddles have dried up
but i’m still dreaming across the table
i guess that’s just
what i do.

i long for you
and the hurricane we could bring to a room
what am i supposed to say
when you look me in the eyes
and tell me that i
don’t have to worry?
how am i expected to not tell you
that i love you?
do you really expect me to believe
that you don’t already know?

pick me apart
i want to be your romance
your reason
your funny story in forty years
and i’d love the way you’d tell it

my poetry is written in vain
i don’t know how to ask you
if you want to read it
i just know that i
want you to read it

i’m so glad you’re the stranger i pursued
what would i do
i’d sink the ship without you

i’d like to put you to music

i always wish
someone would ask me
if i love you
oh i do
i do i do
flooded with wishes
when your head is next to mine
too much of me rests upon you
while my body can’t rest upon you
at all

i’m more excited to know you’re happy
than i am when i feel happy myself
you give me so much room to breathe
in conversation you listen
and i feel listened to

i am invaded by unexpected
bursts of love
my chest caves in when
i imagine you taking my hand
i had a dream in which
you reached for me
and it was so powerful that
i woke up

i lose my needs within my wants
you are both

am i expected to watch her
learn you and love you
while i just lose you?
yes i suppose i am

my heart is made of cotton
i wear it in my sleeve
please notice what you mean to me
i said you weren’t my type but
i know you understand
misdirection
i’d even settle for a three-piece
a dress a jacket and a rope
let me tie myself to you
i miss you and it’s been moments

are we not snake eyes?
roll again for doubles?
are we not doubles?

i don’t pray but i prayed for a couple
hand-me-down love songs
that i could sing to you
carbon copies of hallmark cards
you were already assigned to an angel
but would that angel give you
her wings?
i’m just a little devil with no wings to give
but i’d give you my shot at redemption

i don’t think you understand
i really don’t think you understand
i am in love with you.
i am so in love with you.
and i know it’s not that simple
but it really
really is.

i don’t think you know how i feel about you
i sent a text to my friend
explaining what i love about you
but it turned into less of an explanation
and more of a desperate outpouring of finally
thank god someone finally asked me to talk about you
i have so many things to say
i had a little too much wine
and you drank too much of a terrible-tasting beer
and you giggled and your cheeks got rosy
and i just wanted your hand on my knee
but i was satisfied with elbows.

i think about that time you spoke in honey
it was sweet before i knew i liked the sugar
but your jacket smelled like a familiar cinnamon
that i hadn’t yet realized i recognized
it was the same when you curled into me
my limbs were stiff and sore and the bed was far too small
and i was covered in a sheen of sweat
because our body heat was creating wildfires
but i still dream about it sometimes.

i can talk to you first thing in the morning
your timing has talked me out of the spiral
i love being your friend more than i have ever loved being anyone else’s
i know you worry
but you really don’t have to.
it’s not the glamour that we keep
it’s the gold.

the more i ask for things
the more i realize i don't know how
to ask for things.
spent a lot of time as a kid
learning that i can believe i deserve something
but that doesn't mean that i do
i cried in the library yesterday.
i was very very sad
and then i decided not to be
anymore.

it’s a loneliness that stems from
a lack of growth
i know my worth
most importantly i know what it isn’t
i can’t say what i’m missing
other than i’m missing what i thought i lost
but i’m discovering that i may have never
had it
no one is invaluable
i know my worth
and i know where i don’t deserve to be
and i hate that my heart doesn’t understand me
he was right
i really don’t know myself
but i really think i do
i think my pain is all my own
it’s a hammer to the rib cage
trying to nail down this feeling
i think it’s guilt but i’ve done nothing wrong
except fail.
yes i’ve definitely done that.

i was watered like a garden
then drowned in all the rain
they said it’d help me grow
but it just dilutes my taste.

(i was brewed like a strong *** of coffee
but i didn’t know how to say no
when they asked if i needed more ice cubes)

during lectures on subtext
i stop listening
because i know what it is
i live it

in my wildest dreams
you opened your eyes when we were close
and made the decision
to move even closer

it took you asking me if i was sad
for me to realize
how sad i was

you are so kind
and i am so proud

even strangers can tell
that i’m lucky.