i’ll always be here

i hate
the reasons i'm alive

“sorry” means you regret it
and you won’t do it again.
you may regret it,
i don’t know.

but you always do it again.

i have a cousin
who leaves for college
in two years.
she’s always wanted a pet.
since she was little,
elementary school.
her mother
(my aunt)
always told her
(and her little brother
who’s in seventh grade)
that she wasn’t old enough for a pet
and that they could get one—
a cat, or a dog, maybe—
when she was older.
she didn’t stop asking.
now she’s sixteen.
her mother now tells her
that she’s too old to get a pet.
that there’s no point anymore
since she’ll be moving out soon.
there was nowhere in between.
no goldilocks zone.
she was never just the “right” age to have a pet.

i don’t know what this is a metaphor for,
but there’s a bigger picture here,
i know it.

all of this will just be a memory in the morning,
they say.
but what if
that’s what i’m scared of?
of not remembering?
of being vulnerable?
of not remembering being vulnerable?
of just...
forgetting?
because, well,
how would you even know if
you’re going insane?
would you know?
would i know?
but then again,
would forgetting—
just... forgetting—
really be the worst thing?

to make big decisions more easily.

the people say good morning like they're used to me,
they wave when they see me in the hall.
but i know that as soon as they get close to me,
they'll wish that they never had at all.

just know
that if you ever need me,

i’ll be there.
i’ll always be there.

wishing for calm
trying to keep it peaceful
i don't feel good, so don't start
it's a lot of bad things
don't start, i won't struggle
won't tell them ****
won't tell them
i wanna die
don't miss me, don't wish for me
make sure you outlive me
hope it goes down as g.o.d.
there'd be no me
it was god's plan
hope it was god's plan

awkward questions, awkward stares
told that i'm putting on airs
written out of all the prayers
i don't fit into the squares

and so she kept herself alive
purely out of spite.

thought he was doing the right thing too.

this is a song
it’s about math
it’s not too long
i’m sure of that.

math has always
been quite fun
and you’ll never faze
the endless puns.

math can be easy
math can be hard
but it’s never cheesy
it’s never charred

well, that’s all for this poem today
but math? it’ll always be there, in a way.

I don’t belong in the background.
I don’t want to live in the background.
But I do.
I don’t belong where I live.
I realize that now.
Maybe if I belonged in the background, I wouldn’t be like them.
They belong in the background.
But I don’t.
I am not like them.
But I don’t have to be like them.
I don’t have to belong in their lives.
Not in the spaces, the margins.
Not in the background.
I just have to be me.
You might think you know me.
You might think you know me as a woman.
As an Asian.
But you don’t.
You don’t know me.
Yes, I am a woman.
Yes, I am an Asian.
But I am not only those things.
You don’t know me for who I am.
I am not just a woman.
I am not just an Asian.
You don’t know who I am.
I am me.
I am not a hero. I am not a savior.
But I don’t belong in the background.
And I am just getting started.

burn the witch
and feed the rich.

unmarked graves
have nothing to say.
were they the hunters?
or were they the prey?

even if we can’t find heaven
we get three 6s instead of 7s
i’ll walk through hell with you
i’ll find a heaven with you

i’m fine, i say.

(i’m not.)

the electronics of your heart
can’t stop or they won’t ever start
see how fast they fall apart
they'll always be the finest art
make sure no one has a head start
don't you dare call me a sweetheart
everything's state of the art
i'll never manage to restart
what always seems to outsmart
but your electronics, they're so ****
they don't ever need to act more smart.

these rumors, they have big teeth
they're not afraid to bite
they hide their truth beneath
what you see at first sight.

thirteen chimes
out of time
hint of lime
twisted rhyme
last of nine

if my heart was made of stone,
would i feel not so alone?

bad puns
finger guns
no apologies.

i didn’t know what to think
i didn’t know what to do
but what i did know
was that you were see-through.

with the power for good
or for the reverse,
it was a blessing
and it was a curse.

hands so ******
tastes like honey
money, money
it’s not funny
milk and honey
not as lovely
as you’d like to think.

don’t trust the moon
her pretty face
her pretty lies
don’t quite hide the darkness on the other side.

save your fuel and energy
go down without a fight
sleight of hand won’t win me over
but pretty lies just might

she is fire
loud, raging, shouts
indignant flames of fury

she is ice
sarcastic, cold, rolled eyes, raised eyebrows
scornful jabs deeper than knives.

she is stone
silent, hidden tears, jaw set, hard eyes
infuriating, feigned indifference.

she is angry.

that isn’t what i meant to say
that isn’t what i’d do,
but what i really should’ve,
i haven’t but a clue.

do not cross the ocean,
never sail the seven seas
if you want to never
want to see lands again like these

if you do decide to go
to step onto a boat
don't say i didn't warn you
that you'll always be afloat

don't say i didn't warn you,
don't say i didn't care
if you do become a pirate
it's not my fault, i swear.

don't scream or cry by light
don't shout or rage by night
win my hand in ****** ******
and take me in a fight

never sin before a mirror,
for it will never forget
no matter if it's no big deal
or your greatest regret.
it won't shame you,
it won't hurt you,
it won't blackmail you, nor bribe
but if a mirror knows a secret,
you’re as good as dead inside.

they say, she was locked up
in that tower of hers
forever alone
with only the sea for a companion

they say she was seen on occasion
pacing the rocks
never looking behind her
or back at the town

they say she’d stand in silence
staring out at the midnight sea
always at the same spot on the horizon
listening to the crash of the waves
they say it was all she had.

run,
i need to run
i don't know what to do
except
run
i need to run
feeling stripped
of my dignity
of everything
that I love about me
of kindness
of gratitude
of hope
run
i need to run
i don't know what to do
except
run
i need to run

dreams floating above the clouds
colorful, high in the sky
gone forever,
like hot air balloons

the tiles are cold
***** and wet
but the blood is warm
crimson, flowing down her wrists
warm

look
look at me
don't call me a king
i'm not a king
why be a king
when you can be
a god?
it ain't that hard
but it ain't easy
not even a little
it's closer to misery
closer to pain
closer to never
nothing is gained
except for the pain
the pain

you know i miss you
you know i need you
you know i want you
but you're not there
you know i love you
i always have
you were my life when
life wasn't fair

i didn't want to
want to love you
i didn't want to
want to care
but then you kissed me
then you loved me
you were my life when
life wasn't fair

i don't know what i expected,
when i walked away with you
but certainly not
for you to do what you would do

it wasn't like you showed it,
it wasn't like i cared
but when i walked off with you
you gave me no reason to be scared

when you leaned in close to me
when you took my hand in yours
i told myself i wanted it
i told myself to open the doors

but then after you had left
when you had made everything worse
i realized what had happened
was an enchanting curse

bye,
i love you,
see you on the other side
i'm done trying to hide
what you didn't see, and i denied
i guess at least i can say i tried
to make sure that when i died
you'd be one of them that cried.

bye,
i love you,
see you on the other side
i was too afraid to confide
when i decided i should just die
i guess i always had too much pride
i hope now you're satisfied
now i've committed suicide.

bye,
i still love you,
see you on the other side.

you say you're broken
you say you’re a monster
you say you don’t deserve love
but
what you don’t see
is the beauty in you
yes,
you may be broken
but
it doesn’t make you any less of a person
it doesn’t make you any less beautiful

i am me
myself
and i
that's it
that's all i need
just me
myself
and i.

i don't need love
i don't need anybody
just me
myself
and i.
i've got me
for life,
just me
myself
and i.

you didn't hear me
when i told you
to be fair

you didn't hear me
when i told you
i was scared

you didn't hear me
when i told you
you don't own me

but you heard me
when i told you
not to care.

there wasn't any reason
you had to say goodbye
except to get away from me
yet, you felt the need to lie

you had nowhere else to be
you had nowhere else to go
but you got away from me
you should've yesterday ago

you're sitting on the bathroom floor
head in your arms
tears dripping off your face
and i don't know what to do
i reach out
smile
touch your arm
you look up
smiling just a little
eyes wet
"hey," i say. "you okay?"
your arm comes up
swipes across your face
"y-yeah."
and you're getting up
holding on to me for support
not crying anymore
and i don't know what to do
do i say something?
comfort you?
just smile?
i settle for
taking you in my arms
and holding you there
with me
till the end of time

i'm not crying,
not anymore,
and i'm going to stay that way

you can't make me cry,
not without my consent,
not when i can stay brave

i don't need your help,
i don't need your pity,
i don't need anything from you

not if you've made me cry,
not if you've made me shy,
not if you've made my clear sky gray.

the roses are burning,
they shout
the roses are burning

the roses are burning,
the fire is spreading,
they shout
the fire is spreading

the roses are burning,
the fire is spreading,
the animals fleeing,
they shout
the animals fleeing

the roses are burning,
the fire is spreading,
the animals fleeing,
the people are dying,
they shout
the people are dying

and the fire
is finally put out

i know you think of me
when you make a bad joke
and you hear my groan
my chuckle
quiet
in the back of your head
so quiet
did you even hear it?
you tell yourself it was real,
that you really heard it,
but we both know
that's a lie.
don't we?

i shot him
and snow came out of the open wound
dribbling
falling
melting
i shot him
no blood
just snow
clean
cold
white
i shot him
he did not scream
he did not cry
he looked at the wound
and said
that he did not want to see me die
i shot him
he did not hurt
he did not die
did i really shoot him?