I feel lost
I struggle at finding my way
between recovery and relapse
I don’t know what path to take
because recovery is a dream
but so is being thin
I feel lost
I struggle at understanding my hunger
I struggle at eating without feeling a thunder
inside me thumping the walls of my head
I struggle at being carefree
I struggle at enjoying my time
with my family and friends when I am home
when I should feel free

I feel lost
I have been trying to recover
but everything seems so hard
and I am tired
I am tired of trying
I am tired of hating my own self
for not being recovered enough
for not being thin enough
and I feel lost
I feel lost in the darkness of this illness
that I wish was stronger than my own self
because at least
I wouldn’t be stuck
between recovery and relapse

When you were younger,
you were told about the pain of a broken heart
you were told about the mean people
you could find along your path
yet, you were not told about
the dark holes that
can find home
in the deepest part of you

You were not told that
one day you might wake up
feeling nothing but lost
lost in the outer space of your existence
where gravity doesn’t exist
and you are just floating around
looking for a path
you think will lead to the brightest star

The truth is, you keep floating around and around
you see millions of stars
but somehow
you can’t seem to reach them
no matter how further you stretch your arms,
you can’t get to touch them
and even when you are finally
so close to them
they turn into deep black holes that
with all their strength
pull you around them
only to eventually devour you

and this
over and over again
until you get used to it
until you get used to feeling this lost and consumed
until you forget how to feel full

There will be gloomy days when
you will look back at your old self
and think about this one choice you made that
changed your life in many ways
You will think about the day you decided to leave
You left family and friends behind
hoping to find a better future on the other side
You were young and naïve
you were that quiet kid that
no one thought could ever leave
yet, on that September 6th 2013
holding hands with Fear and Hope
you boarded a plane that took you miles away

There will be gloomy days when
you will wonder why
on that day Fear didn’t pull you aside
and tell you that life
wasn’t going to be as bright on the other side
You will wonder why that quiet kid
had this strong need to leave
You will look back in sadness
and grieve the loss of those happy times you took for granted
You will be drinking the same coffee
mum used to make you on a Saturday morning
and you will be listening to those songs
dad used to play in the car on a Sunday afternoon
You will grieve what it feels like a loss
of those you have always loved

It’s on these days that you will feel alone the most

Inside your head it will be as dark as the sky
on a rainy winter afternoon
and your eyes will be as heavy as grey clouds
ready to let the rain pour down

It’s on these days that you will grieve the most

Though, they say there is always calm after a storm
and no matter how brief it can be
you will eventually find some peace
and it’s within this peace that
you will find the strength to remember that
not everything is as gloomy as it seems
It’s within this peace that
you will honour that quiet kid
who is no longer as quiet as they used to be
and it’s within this peace that
you will celebrate their new life as a fearless kid

I was told that you know exactly when love arrives,
because when it does,
your stomach turns into
the land of thousand butterflies.
I was told that when love arrives
it hits you so hard that
breathing becomes the hardest part,
and your whole body gets numb
by the thought of her in your arms

My stomach was home to no butterfly,
breathing was never hard
or my body numb
yet, I gave it all
because that day
when love arrived
and I saw you for the first time,
something penetrated my chest
and since then
the only feeling I’ve had
was the constant fear
of remaining breathless

I so wanted to be good for you
that I turned blind
and did not see
I was losing myself
in this hell
trying to be
a decent human being
striving to save a love that
perhaps has always been wrong

Like a rose bud attempting to bloom
in the middle of a nettles field
you are trying to survive
in a world where it takes courage
to be alive
I see strength trapped inside you
trying to make its voice heard
yet you don't seem to listen
and with the heaviest memories
of your past
you try to recall
the last time you felt loved

And when the dark
tries to embrace you
I, with a morning kiss
will tell you how beautiful you are
and if you say
you do not agree
I'll gently kiss you again
once, twice, three times
until I'll see that smile of yours
that every day
makes me love you
a little bit more

And when, looking back at your past
you still think nobody believes in you
I'll be by your side
reminding you that this time
you don't have to fear being alone
and I don't care how long it will take
for you to understand
for I'll bring you flowers
with a simple note that says
you are smart, beautiful and fun
thank you for being my better half

If she makes you feel happier than you were before
yet you can’t write anymore
is this alright?
For since I met her
I haven’t found a way
to express how I feel
and I am afraid
one day
I will explode
and she will run away
Cause poetry
has always been the only way
I can deal
with my fears
and you have no idea
how much she scares me
The way she talks to me
the lovely sound of her giggle
and her “good morning” texts
that paint a smile on my sleepy face
the fact that we’ve met only once
yet my heart can’t stop to dance

I’ve never felt this way before
and I am scared
one day I will wake up
to the sound of a broken heart
and the need to write again
cause there will no longer be
any good morning text
or any other reason to wear a smile
just empty feelings and old memories
ready to be turned into indelible words

Today is your birthday
and I woke up hoping
to see the sun
but no sun appeared
instead, the heavy rain came
and tried to wash off that pain
I every day try to oppress
the pain that every year
on this December 1st
I can no longer hide

Today is your birthday
and I miss you
I miss you
like I did last year on this same day
like I have been doing since you left
like I always will