I have to admit
that I am quite sick
I am sick of being anxious
I am sick of my unconscious
and its thoughts that shape
the way I behave

I was told that because of Anxiety
I have developed this need,
a thought that like a small seed
started growing inside myself
slowly stretching its roots
reaching and taking control over
the deepest and hidden part of my soul
a thought that slowly turned into a voice
my voice

I began to talk to myself
as I was someone else
as I was someone coming from the outside
who shouting and giving me orders
craved to control myself from the inside
“Isabel you can’t let Anxiety win”
this is what I told myself many times
until one day my complex mind
decided to prove
that it was able to regain control
over my mind and soul

I started from what to me were
the easiest steps to control
losing weight
and my food intake
they were so easy to restrain
that I did not realise that by counting calories
I was helping that inner voice
become more and more powerful
and I…I was not regaining control
at all

Today I am still struggling
and I do not know how long it will take
for me to defeat Anxiety
but maybe this is what it is all about
understanding that overall
no one can be in absolute control

I have been trying to fill this page
with words that could express
the things I am not sure
I would be able to tell you face to face
but as weird as it may sound
the more I think about you
the more my heart skips
and my mind goes insane
I can feel the words stuck in my lungs
as they try to climb my throat
looking for freedom
and a chance to be heard

Through the ink of this pen
I am trying to write down these words
of affection - nothing
The paper is still empty
yet my heart feels so heavy
and as I think of you
my mind wants to explode
and release all the colourful words
that would create spectacular
rainbows of thoughts all over the world

I wonder why you have this
strange effect on me
and why the first time we met
I shook your hand
and felt this strong energy
penetrating my chest
I wonder why I want to know more
and more about you
I want to know the simple things
like the title of your favourite book
or what you wanted to be
when you were three
but I also want to know
your deepest thoughts when
at 2am we lie down under the night sky
contemplating in silence its bright side

You tell me not to be stressed
about food, gym and health
you tell me not to be obsessed
and you remind me those days when
I would eat a whole bar of chocolate
without knowing what calories were
But let me clarify one thing
it's not that easy
Those voices in my head
are controlling myself
and I'm trying to defeat them
but I'm getting tired
as they **** all my power
I swear I fight them back
and sometimes I win
but sometimes I take
one step forward and two steps back
so I'm always here
surrounded by anxiety and fear
60…59…58…57….56…55
just simple numbers on a scale
but as they decrease
I feel so powerful, yet so scared
to cross the line
dividing sanity from insanity
and suddenly I'm walking on a tightrope
trying not to fall
into the darkest of all holes

I know you’re broken
and your heart is in pain
I know how tough it can be
to let people in
after all the times
you’ve been deceived
and I know how it feels
to ask yourself why
when the only thing you want
is to love and to be loved

I know it’s been hard
not to fall into those
dark and scary holes
of your mind
and I know
sometimes you’re still afraid
to stumble upon
the line that divides
the bright from the dark side

But I swear
there will come a time
when you will no longer
be afraid of your own mind
and I promise you
there will come a time
when everything
you went through
will be worth this arduous ride

Goodbyes we wish we never had to say
long hugs we wish never ended
weeping people too sad to mumble anything
and the bitter regret of an unsaid *I’ll miss you