i am a victim.
i am not yet a survivor.
i dont know if i will survive this.

the sickness
is returning.
i didnt infect myself this time though
you passed it to me
through your fistfuls of my hair
through the "i love you's"
all the contradicting lies
my body became weak
and you took hold
of something you knew i had no control

there isnt a cure for this one.

this is a pain i haven't felt since the last time
one that is ripping through my body
this pain only comes when it gets bad
and i am in agony every second

i apologize
for all the things i never said anything
for all the times i didn't speak up
for all the times i let you make me feel uncomfortable in my own skin
for all the times i let you make me feel guilty
for all the times i let you get away it
for all the times i let you win
for all the times i let you make me cry at 2am

i apologize for never telling you
that you were ruining everything about me
that you made me hate myself
and that this hate continues to run through my veins
for you
and for me
and everything that slipped through the cracks in between
as you broke me

my words
they can't escape through my sobs
i've tried to tell you countless times
but they are trapped in my throat
trying to make their way out through my gasps of air
im choking on all the things i want to say to you

mental and physical
ifeelweak
i feel as if i don't have a place
but maybe
i take up too much space

i did it.
i finally let the thoughts take over.
im sick.

i dont want to admit this
every time it gets late my thoughts come back
its a comfort thing
but then it becomes a bad thing
i swallow
and i swallow
and then i cry
and i cry
i try not to consume
but it gets late and i feel lost
and i don't want to talk about it
i always feel so empty
i try to fill the space
but its getting to the point
where i want to empty it
i want nothing

i feel weak
everyday another piece of me folds in
slowly
im becoming the thing you never wanted to see
im becoming to reach the point you hoped i would never

im the piece of paper in the bottom of your bag
the one you needed
you lost it and spent ages looking for it
but by the time you found it
it was torn to shreds
it was no longer useful
and you groaned and complained
but then you got another
and you were thankful that there were others
to replace the one you forgot about
until it was too late

but i couldn't forget
i laid there in pieces wondering what happened
you cared
but you realized it got bad
and then you realized it was too late
and you moved onto the next person to care about
until it was too late for them too.

i cannot
keep going on
please forgive me.

they say it got bad now
they say i need to be careful
they say to watch out

you say you will hold me when things get bad
you say you would never want to be that way
you say you love me

he said that i was too broke to love
he said i was too far gone
he said he loved me

i asked you to stay
i asked you to not hurt me
i asked you if you love me

and the two of you said: always, never, of course

i said a lot of things
but im realizing now that they were never out loud
you never heard my cries
i kept them bouncing around in my mouth
too scared to speak

youre scaring me so bad.

im in love with you but ill never tell
i know how afraid you are of falling

my chest is tight
my bones are weak
i cannot breathe

i told you no
i said i didn't want to
you took control

i cant consume it anymore
the only thing i want to swallow is myself
im full off the words you fed me
my eyes fill with the only thing i keep down

water

im not scared you
anymore
i can be okay
again

someone told me i will be okay
but all the signs point to no

its buzzing
the noises
the people telling me its easy
when that only makes things worse

i am trying
my hardest

theres too much
my head cant survive
too many waves crashing against the sides
too many people yelling
too many things to remember
i feel like i wont escape this
too many people to please
too many people to care about
my head cant handle this

im sick to my stomach
i cant stop this anymore
i dont want any of this to be real anymore

i didnt want to leave
its supposed to help
but
my heart aches
my throat burns
all i can smell is rotten fruit
reaching into every crevice of the room where we laughed
we laughed for hours
but now im gone
and its gone
and theres nothing left for the two of us
except all the polaroids and inside jokes

im nervous
ive never said what i needed
i push it down
as the words try to come up
a lump forms and my body pulls itself away
im trying to speak
im trying to let you know it was never your fault
and i swallow until the lump fades
and im not doubled over
not until next time
when i try to tell you everything i wanted to say
and the cycle repeats