and I just really want to be dead

the words
the hate
the fake
they cut into me
and make me bleed

the sad
the depressed
the ugly
they attack me
because they are lonely

the words
the sounds
my mind
it never seems to slow down
not even for me to
comprehend what is happening

what the ****
this air is running short
my lungs are closing in
my precious oxygen
where have you been
is this how I know
im dying?

there is sadness in the air tonight
and I can surely feel it
as it wraps it arms around my throat
to make sure I can feel a little at home
it suffocates my lungs
pulls on my vocals
attacks my brain
so now all I can do
now is be sad

and honestly
all I really need
is to be needed

because lately
I have been
such a waste of space

and all I can feel
is the
words that are sung in that sad
sad song.

I'll tell you anything
to make sure you think
that im just fine.

but honestly
im just wanting
to die.

I know
that its a really big
lie.

but I just want you
to be able to sleep
thinking that I am alright.

10 months and 25 days passed
or
35 days away
till it marks the day
that I finally realized
my life needs to stop involing  
a blade trembling my skin

its a day that
I refused to get hurt
by a boy
who was my everything.
but was causing
the blade across my skin.

blades
the pain it caused
emotionally and physically
I was addicted
I craved a little more
everytime
the wound started to heal

boy
the hurt it did
became a way I thought
of myself
and I didn't want to loose myself
as I was loosing every
addition to my life

10 months and 25 days later
im free
from the boy
that caused the pain I liked
im free from the medal
that I craved
everytime I ****** up
and life has never been better

you're controling my mind
You're in my brain
almost every single time

7:37 am and I already miss you
I crave your lips
because I want to kiss you

you're running through my veins
stop playing games
because I need you.

well *******
because you ****
and I hate you.

but just know
even though,
hate over runs the love
I love the pain
and I love you.

I need you
I need you like oxygen in my lungs
I need you like a heart needs blood
I need you like a daughter needs her mom
I miss you
I miss you like a cold winter day in summer
I miss you like the moon misses their mom
I miss you like a child misses the sun
I loved you
I loved you like a mother loves her son
I loved you like a day with sunshine  
I loved you like the moon loved the stars

as I crave your hands
connected back with mine
your alcoholic breath
starts to breath on me

and suddenly
you start to
remind me
the reason
we were no longer
"we"

I remember the day
you said you'd always love me
it felt like I had just won the lottery

because I won you
and you won me
we were both so happy

months went by
our fire went out
love was not what this relationship
was built on

all I saw in you
was hate and jealousy
that's the day when
you walked away
and we never were a "we"

"your dad is your first love."
oh im sorry
is love suppose to hurt?

dear "first" love,
you ****** with me
mentally and physically
and now you left me
feeling not a **** thing

I haven't spoke to you in 10 years
do you even remember me?
I bet you don't care about
what I have became to be
you really did abuse me
mentally and physically
and you told me
I could never be
what I want to be

10 years down the road,
im not what I want to be
and you're the one stopping me

I sit in this room
with white walls
that feel like
their closing in
on me

and I sit
with some lady
I've known for about a week
and I ramble on
about me being very weak.

I don't think
we are meant to be
but still
you are choosing me
and although
its killing me
I will
let it be
because
you think we are meant to be.

1 unread message
from my ex boyfriend
the one who ****** me up
made me feel more broken
than a unmade puzzle piece
I don't need you
but I see your pain
and I slipped back in to your
stupid trap called "love game"
and if I know nothing about
the way you love
I do know
you will always try to **** me up
and I hate it
but I still love it so much.

if beauty sleep means anything
then I must be really ugly

my eyes
they are starting to get
drowsy

my mouth
it's starting to create  
a deep inhaling
of exhaustion

my body
starts to ache
as I lack
the sleep I think I deserve

my hands
they are starting to
not feel like me

and my mind
its telling me
who I need to be

love is what I need
and I just need
someone to be with me

the day is coming up
and I dont
want to be reminded
of all the bad memories
why would you ditch me
for a drug deal
you could do any time of the week

the day is coming up
and I dont
want to be
reminded of the day
my dad proposed to my mom
because it means nothing to me.

such a beautiful day for others
is such a sad day for me
and it doesn't mean anything to me

such a beautiful world
that I am able to see
the blue sky
it reminds me of the sea

as the sun sets
colors form
clouds shape
it's so interesting to me

I love my life.

and the only thing
that is keeping me alive
is the dumb thoughts
that I can ramble together
to create a
"beautiful piece of writing"
when there is nothing
beautiful about
wanting to **** yourself

I treat myself
like a lunatic

but really
I'm just a girl
with too
much space
that is very lonely

I'm just a girl
with too much
thinking time
that kills off
my mind.

I'm just a girl
who listens
to those ****
sad songs
to make herself
feel sane
when really
she's anything but sane

and I really do
hate the me I am

I use
to have a solution to
any feeling I had

your love
acohol
blades

and everything's gone

and I sit here
thinking about my addictions

and oh how easy
it could be for me
to slip back
into old me

she's been gone
for almost a year

she's in my mind
yelling at me
saying
"dear god get me the hell out of here"
begging me
to let her be free

suicide
su•i•cide- the act of one killing themselves intentionally.

a way to tell God that you can't live on the world he created

a solution that last forever when the problem lasted the weekend

the way to show everyone you're ******* done with every lie that comes out of their mouth.

even after knowing all these ******* pointless facts about it

I could easily
take the blade to my neck
and drown myself in my own blood

I'm so ******* sick
mentally and physically

I can't figure out
why I want to die
but I know it always sounds right

I don't know
how people would react if I die
but I sure do know
they'd be just fine

I'm just a lonely
waste of space
on this earth

I just got hit
by the biggest wave of sadness
and I can't get up
I'm drowning
and I think
this is how life gonna be
drowning
and then getting saved
by a life saver
but the give up
and let go
so im stuck
and will never get over the fact that I'm downing

what the ****
I never thought I'd be losing you
but I didn't  actually lose you

you walked away from my life
like it was so easy for you

I think I didn't mean anything to you
I was the spam in your email
and im worthless to you
I'm sorry
but I still am missing you

I use to crave your presence in my life

10 years later,
I crave the pain to go away that you've caused.

my mind is blank
like a canvas brand new

writers block at its finest
who the hell knows what I can say

my mind is a blank slate
that is able to make beautiful work

I'm a firework that hasn't been lit
and there's no one around to light it.

I'm stuck.

2:43 AM
I crave your touch against my fingertips
I am having withdraws because of how nice your love was.
The daily clichè was an addiction
I looked forward to it like an addict looks forward to their "high"
I was high from your love daily
and now im using drugs to replace it.
you
you are the reason I'm up at such an odd hour
and I hate you for it. -H.M.M.

I can't write a poem