On the fourth floor of the brick wall barricade,
We stood at the window watching the rain,
I felt calm watching water drop suicide;
I thought how it'd be nice to die by your side.
My mind breached every professional boundary,
but my mouth remained closed,
looking back it was obvious-- they should've let me go.

I stayed with you on the worst days,
when you couldn't pick your head up from the bed.
Instead of encouraging movement and intervention,
I just sat there, right or wrong, and tried to follow what you said.

I work in a hospital,
sterile, too bright, monitors beep,
everything's bleak except you.
I know you're dying and as I check your vital signs I try not to speak.
You tell me once you're better you'll take me to dinner,
I wish I was optimistic, I wish I didn't know better.
So instead I take my breaks in your room,
we sit there and talk over ****** hospital food.
When I work night shifts I watch your mother cry while you sleep,
It's eight o-clock, she hasn't had dinner, I remind her to eat.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world"...
But I was born upside down
and instead I am all the things I know I need to change,
but don't.

I ****** my best friend.
We were drunk, but I can tell she wants me sometimes-- even when we're sober.
I forgot about it until lunch the next day. Hit me like a ton of "ohfuckwhatihaveidone" bricks falling from the delapitated crumbling building that is my life.

I ****** my other best friend too.
He's in love with me, so maybe it meant something more.

I'm not even that pretty-- maybe they just like the concept of the "hot mess"... Or maybe I'm the one attracted to them, maybe I feel I have nothing to offer except ***.

I broke up with you
Because I'm dishonest; a cough syrup symptom of walls I built so high.

I broke up with you
Because when I look at you I hate you; that glare of pain in your eye. The pain I've caused it hangs like smog over once beautiful hazel-greens.  

I broke up with you
Because you remind me of my parents' relationship... If you could even call it that. Doomed from the beginning, loomed and grinning over my sister and I.  

I broke up with you
Because I'm an *******.
Because I'm afraid.
Because I'm selfish.
Because I don't deserve love.

At work I disguise hospital beds for home,
But everyone can feel the stark truth--
It hangs in the air,
"You'll die here",
And I can provide no answers or words of comfort to ward off fear.

No matter how hard I scrub
I will never be clean.