i'll never get back what i gave
to 3am

i wanted to write a song
but every single word and chord
reminded me of you

so instead i wrote this

***** laundry
under aching feet
at 2am
with seven
eight
twelve
unread messages
breaking the silence

empty stomach
but clean teeth
and so many empty pages
in notebooks
scattered in between
used tea bags
and dry rose petals

i add my socks to the mess
and close my eyes
trying to remember
what breathing feels like

what my english teacher tells me is
logical fallacy

i've held on to for as long as my blood was blue
it's as close to a religion as i will ever come
and maybe i don't see wings in my reflection

but i'm done being told that i'm going to fall when i jump

you are so far from me
that i can feel the earth turn

why do you like my ****** poems?

holding hands
in the farmers market
all sweat and skin

the smell of the blue sky
so close
to our intertwined fingers
that we can almost
breathe

and your dimpled smile
made everything perfect

the only things i never outgrew
were the growing pains

don't ask me
how i'm doing
ask me
what i'm listening to

i dug my roots
into your soil

deep.

i stretched my limbs
up towards the skies
in your eyes

high.

your kisses
watered me

strong.

but i was just a
****
that you plucked
out of the ground
of your heart

forever.

no one
asks me
for anything

so i
make
my stomach
beg

i'm late
to the party

i only keep the
walls company
anyway

i went through seven
outfits
before giving up.
checking the mirror
and crying
at my reflection

brushed my teeth
three times

after throwing up my guts

and you don't
want to
share a smoke
with me

but that's fine
i had one before i came

and it's these nights
when i wonder
why i came at all.

i lick the stars
from your open lips
and a supernova
explodes on my tongue

as beautiful as it is
it shatters my taste buds
until i can drink
nothing but the sound of
your voice
sliding into my mouth

you hid your red flags well
i didn't find them in your avoidance or stale apologies
i couldn't see them when your hands were open in mine
everyone said they should be glaring

but you and i stand under red streetlights, so your flags
look like scarves to wrap our bodies with

it was only when the sun came out
that i could see the blood all around me
and i cried tears of white
i wove them into a flag of my own
wrapped it around your neck to pull you in for a sober goodbye kiss

your ****** tongue dripped, tastefully inviting
but somehow i found the strength to walk away
only looking back once as you stood like a column bearing my white flag
blowing in the wind

i want to know the ending
without it having to end

but i cannot write our story
forever

(my knuckles are wearing away my skin
trying to write the book of us
all alone)

accordions collapsing
in my mind
the moment
before sleep rakes
its claws through
my skull

on the last day of september
my bones
aching in my skin
i can't help but feel
that i have lost
much more than i gave

reggae music
and vegetables
crying alone
misspelling my own name
losing time; losing space
weeds growing in cement cracks
dried paint, beginning to peel
scorching sun
uneven breathing

and not being able
to fathom my words
into anything
with a purpose

there are some things i wish i could forget
like the calories in a stick of gum
or your phone number beneath my fingers

i've run out
of ways to say:
i miss you

i'm a candle man
with no dreams or plan
i just want to kiss your lips,
press my heart to your fingertips

you always say just the right thing
to light a fire on my short string
and i burn for you, melting
as you hold me close, smelling

all the yearning, dry on my tongue
and the hopes that we will stay young
so we don't have to have any dreams, or a plan
and i can always be your candle man

i boiled down all my water
to make room in the cupboards for apathy
but i've been using it in every recipe
and nothing is never hot enough

tired eyes
drinking a
cold
glass of water

sad eyes
drinking a
hot
cup of coffee

broken eyes
drinking
nothing
at all

i want to read you the poems i wrote you
so you can hear them in my voice
as it cracks in all the places you broke me
and blooms in all the places you loved

i want your head to rest on my shoulder
so you know where you are welcome
and your hand to be in mine
so you know where you are wanted

i want to read them in your room
so we can be in the place i fell in love with you
and i want the room to be filled with your thoughts
so you know how

you are the
brightest
shade of black
that i have ever
seen

i wonder sometimes
if i could control
the beating of my heart
would it stop?

i got my name from an
artist

in love with a picture
of someone he thought he knew

i gave it to myself
because he understands what it's like

to love an idea so much
you fall for the person that gave it to you

my words are so
ugly

maybe it's the way
the wind feels
in the dark;
different and breathless

or the light
that bounces off of the
wet streets;
blurry and reckless

regardless,
midnight is the only time
that she gets in her car
and allows herself
a dose of tears, a drop of laughter

because feeling
is a little easier
in a private metal death chamber
surrounded by
broken beauties and unfulfilled dreams

when there is no point b
and point a
is just a fragmented memory

the needle slips and my finger bleeds
i put it in my mouth and feel like metal

tasted like one of your apologies

i need a tchaikovsky record
to fill me up in all the places you never did

my black lipstick
left smudges
on your cheek

but i could still see
the roses peeking through
when i said
'i love you'

this doesn't sound like an opening line
a line that seems off follows it
this train of thoughts doesn't have any cars
just skeletons

but as you look out the window
and see the empty train
pass by
you might have an idea

for a better closing line

all tangled up and stuck together
with wax

i'm a mess i'll never learn how to clean
and i'm vegan
so i can't use glue

everything feels empty

your voice over the phone makes the butterflies in my stomach rush to my head

and it's the kind of blush that needs to be kissed away

i just
want
you
to
text
first

is
that
too
much?

addicted to holding
your open hand

if i look at the sky
at just the right moment
i can picture your eyes

and i remember
if only for that moment
that we're under
the same sky

i should be exploding
but i'm just eating homemade spaghetti with too much oregano

i exhale smoke
into the sky
painting the clouds
a little greyer

not to be like the "cool kids"
not even to get high

i just want my lungs
to be as broken
as my heart feels

i'll always need constant reminders
because i feel like i am one

i need you to remind me that the world is beautiful
because i feel like a reminder of all the oil spills

i need you to remind me that love is kind
because i feel like a reminder of every time i broke my own heart

i need you to remind me that i'm human
because i feel like a reminder that monsters do exist

and mostly, i need you to remind me that you love me
because i feel like a reminder of all the reasons you shouldn't

i'll always need constant reminders
because i feel like i am one

you make my
heart burst
and blood is
leaking
all over the
floor

how do
you not
slip
on it?

because i can't
seem to stay
on my feet

i'm so tired.

but it's that kind of tired
that is spent
in a warm orange haze
like candlelight

and i can't help but remember
our late night messages
the smile refuses
to be wiped off my face

lover is a day
by cuco

time changed
we're different
but my mind still says redundant things
can i not think?
will you love this part of me?
my lover is
the day i can't forget

furthering my distance from you
realistically i can't leave now
but i'm okay as long as you
keep me from going crazy
keep me from going crazy

straight up ahead
you'll find a sign that says you can't get by with a lie
but if i stayed away by a thread from the glory path
and made my life harder lying 'bout the stupid **** i say
then you wouldn't know a single thing about how i feel about you
and those really dumb things people feel
i'll take the bumpy road
it'll probably break my legs
as long as i don't show you what's ruining my head
funny thing about you is you read me pretty well
but you haven't found me yet
at the bottom of the well

annoying you with smoke signals
asking you for help
cause your immediate presence lifts me straight away from hell
me and mr. heart, we say the cutest things about you
how you seem unreal and we'd probably die so quick without you
suffocated from the radiated air around us
full of happiness
we don't have brightness
got so dark without you girl

time changed
we're different
but my mind still says redundant things
can i not think?
will you love this part of me?
my lover is
the day i can't forget

furthering my distance from you
realistically i can't leave now
but i'm okay as long as you
keep me from going crazy
keep me from going crazy

family calls me crazy
and my friends say i'm degenerate
but you tell me i'm so generous
and my self worth isn't hideous
this psychedelic canvas of the person i'm becoming
went from horror movie on tv to happy ending princess me
processing the information
transferred from your mind to me
at light speed like the falcon from the original star wars trilogy
feelin' like a free ol' me when i was 6
and no worries would stop me from reaching the stars a million miles from me
sick in the head for ya and no cure has been discovered
like a plague hitting my body
except if i fall i'm just fallin for ya
conscious beyond knowledge
alterations are acknowledged
and the beauty you've inflicted is always in it's action
lovely day today
perfect time to open up to you
but i know you're having fun
wouldn't wanna mess this up for you
but i'm happy that your happy
at least i do that much for you
always glad you're with me
this emotion will be gone before you know

time changed
we're different
but my mind still says redundant things
can i not think?
will you love this part of me?
my lover is
the day i can't forget

furthering my distance from you
realistically i can't leave now
but i'm okay as long as you
keep me from going crazy
keep me from going crazy

time changed
we're different
but my mind still says redundant things
can i not think?
will you love this part of me?
my lover is
the day i can't forget

furthering my distance from you
realistically i can't leave now
but i'm okay as long as you
keep me from going crazy
keep me from going crazy