i watched the smoke loom into the sky.
you and i, we don't pay it any mind.
the blood is rushing to my face—
vesuvius who?

a.d. sixty-two: an earthquake shook the ground.
that was seventeen years ago, and we are twenty now.
four days ago the shakes started again
but i don't mind the sound.

i close my eyes and i am gone
the room is full of heat
volcanic ash and tephra and gas—
forever, we're asleep.

how could u assume
that all i am
is a body

isn't it obvious
that i'm also
a soul

how can i describe it.....

it's the feeling you get when you're running through a grass-y area with someone you care about
you're running so fast, your legs are kicking up into the air and you feeling like your body can't keep up and you're going to fall
you're grabbing the other person's wrist (or vice versa), so you know if you fall, they're coming down with you
and you can feel the dewy grass against your bare ankles. it's early spring, or maybe early fall.
the air is starting to get cold, so your cheeks and nose are bright red
then you fall
you can feel the wet grass through your jeans
you roll on your back and watch the clouds and laugh, you can't stop laughing
you feel open, happy, and alive

i can't quite put my finger on what this feeling is...

i want to be golden
i want to be a day time star
by night, i will fill with heat.
i will explode.

i want to be golden
i want to be a filling
inside your tooth.
in a few months, i’ll fall out.

i want to be golden
confetti in a balloon
that you pop with a scissor.
sweep me up at the end of the party,

i want to be golden
the ring that she wears.
it matches her party dress
and the gold in her hair.

i want to be golden
the golden days of the past.
i want to be a memory.
one that won’t last.

i want to be golden
the dusk of the day
the sun shone bright
but disappeared over the horizon

i want to be golden
the leaves on the tree.
but the winter’s coming
and soon they will fall.

i want to be golden
a mosaic in a museum
hanging on a wall.
look, but please, don’t touch.

i want to be golden.
i want to be a dream.
i want to seem real, sparkling gold.
but i want to be glitter.

the bags under my eyes
don't tell half the story.

scrape your guts up off the floor,
forget what i said when i said i was sorry.

the babbling creek reminds me
that sometimes it's best to shut up.
the dandelion leaves fly through the air,
scattered just like my thoughts.
i want to feel the wind on my face
just like i felt before.
my teeth chatter and my fingers crack
just because i need you more.
the starry sky is my treasure map,
i follow it all the way.
looking up at it,  i've learned from it
just how to stay on track.
the loneliness sleeps in my bed,
but it's not all that's there.
you could say that i prefer it,
but i say that's not fair.
just listen.

my brother says that one day i'll be
away from this place.
another lifetime, another state,
just something else to hate.
the doctor says i still have time
to become an employee
to work my life from 9-5
and to never feel that free.
i've read some books that tell me
that's not the case and there's still something out for me.
i roll my eyes and bite my lips
cause i don't know who to believe.
and if i asked you what you thought,
you wouldn't know the half.
time's like this where i see why
i'm never going back.
i'm staying.

i can feel the dark circles under my eyes
and the burning in my head.

do you remember the way you used to lay next to me?
do you remember all those things you once said?

the only name that
you could not even utter
was your very own name.

it's you and i and
the things we are not and the
things we'll never be.

the days go slow
but the years fly
and that is the distance
between you and i.

the last time i saw
the way you smile at me
i wept and i wept

i can't get you out of my head.
you're stuck there,
you and the words you said.

they were few, calming, reassuring.
i had been underwater for too long
i found myself in your arms.

sweet, thoughtful, dry.
your gaze was loving
against the baby blue sky.

i felt healed, sane.
i felt better than i have in years.
my composure was there again.

i had wished it had lasted,
i wished you could've stayed.

then i found myself alone, horribly alone,
in the purple light, along the shore
in my room.

cruel. cruel. cruel.
things always end.
but our moments accrue
and i am thankful
for the help that was sent.

cool breath of
frigid air.
i spread my arms
above the sea.
feel the wind whip
through my hair.
i've come to terms
with what i'll be
and i'll enjoy my time
free of care.

the birds cry, their
echoes dance over the trees.
catch a feeling of what
only yesterday can bring.
escape from blinding
traffic lights on streets.
open my lungs &
feel the air beneath my wings.
my eyes fill with tears, but
for once, not from sadness.

the stars
above my head
sparkle.

i've never seen a night
quite as bright
as this one.

my eyes are open
and they are clear
for the first time.

the dewy grass bends
beneath my feet
as i go.

i feel the cool
air against my cheeks
and whip through my hair.

i raise my arms
above the sea as the
night calls to me.

i've come to terms
with what i have
and what i'll be.

the echoes of the birds
ring in my ears
and up in the sky.

i catch a feeling
familiar, settling
of yesterday.

the stars are the
only blinding lights
not street lights.

open up my lungs
feel the air beneath my wings.
my eyes fill with tears
but for once, not from sadness.

i feel

    my ankles roll and fingers
crack. my eyes hurt.

i close the laptop and lie on
my bed
        in the dark.       in the dark.

why
        why
                why
    am
      i
   here.
          am i not gone
are you not gone.
away from me.

shadows creep across my room
the light leaks in from the street.

the night will be over soon and
morning will come and the
   sun
     will
rise
         rise
    rise
                   rise.

i wash the light from my
    eyes
              eyes
        eyes
                       ­   eyes.

  still searching for
the answer
        to the question that
      i havent asked.

my back hurts
every time           that i wake
       every time           that i rise
the sun high in the
                          clouds.

and at night i lie in the dark
      ( in the dark )
and I anxiously
    wait for the sun to
  r
  i
  s
  e
  .

i really liked the way it felt
earlier tonight
when your shoulder was
touching mine.

i liked the way you sat
down next to me
when there were a hundred
other seats your body could be.

i hated the way i
didn't say anything
when i really wanted
to say everything.

i hate the way i'm sitting here
in a hotel room, in a group of people,
but not with the person
i want to be with.
you.

and i hate the way that
everything ends
and how i miss every chance
i ever get and how
i can count the days i'll see you
on one hand and i can't even take it.

can you make it easy?
i want you to make it easy.
i want you, believe me.
i want you to love me.

i can't believe i haven't told you
i can't believe it hasn't happened
i wonder if you feel this way too
i wonder if you know that i feel
this way about you.

i really liked the way it felt
when you were near me.
it was the best feeling in a while,
actually, honestly.

i have a reoccurring dream about you
where we are happy.
are you happy without me?
would you be happier with me?
can you make it easy?
i want you to make it easy.
i want you, believe me.
i want you to love me.

i want to come visit you
when the weather gets warm,
when the garden is green.
i want you to come see me
when you're not busy.
i don't want to interrupt
but i can't be alone
when i am overgrown.
i know i'm sometimes verbose
and ugly and clingy and mean
but maybe you can see past that
and we can whisper in the back
of a car, or dance behind a screen
and bathe in the summer sun.

i just want you to know that i'm
always going to be here.
i won't do what i've wanted
so that i don't hurt you.
i will not desert you.
cause i don't want to go that much.
i don't want to miss your touch.

i know my past has been hard
and i haven't always been glad
a lot of my time has been spent
being sad.
but i'm getting better every day.

so i'll let you come visit me
when the weather gets warm,
when the garden gets green.
and i'll be waiting
because i can wait
as long as it takes.

i'm getting better every day.

i went for a run today and i couldn't catch my breath
and for some reason that's been happening often now.
it's like you only get so many breaths
and maybe i just don't have that many left.

i'm writing this poem right now and i'm using the font
that reminds me of your name.  it's not a pretty font,
but if you were a font, you wouldn't be pretty either.

i've been having trouble waking up in the morning.
my bedroom is too cold for me to jump out of bed.
i put socks on my feet to keep in the hear,
but when i wake up, the socks are lost in my sheets.

i get kind of nervous when i hear your name,
because this time last year, i didn't even know your name,
or who you were.

i have this weird bruise on my knee and i don't know where it came from.
it's dark purple and red and i'm worried.
i don't think i'd be able to handle losing my health,
but i kind of wonder how much i ever had it.

after june, i'll probably never see you again,
and you'll never think of me again.
i just wish you'd think of me, once.

sometimes during class i take my pulse
just to make sure it's still there.
it always is, and the i feel disgusted at myself
for wishing it wasn't.

well i don’t want to live longer than i have to
and i don’t want to leap longer than i must,
but my heart jumps out of my chest whenever
i think about staying down in town forever.

the flowers are over grown
i am left with i & i.
my skin is cut from stone;
my bones are made of ice.
i end. i return.

i am left with only vice.
my eyes rain.
my veins, their blood does course
through my body,
moving at a blind crawl:
to reach my fingers and toes.

the brazen image.
the ****** beat.
my knees drop from the air
to the level of my feet.
i am the bitter laugh
being released from your lungs.
you are the salt in the tears
the roll down my cheek onto my tongue.

the thief of sleep
or that eternal.
my eyes, they rain.
my body, it weeps.