he is my dream
he's the cutest thing that i've ever seen
mr. sandman
he's a delight
leaving his side is a losing fight
mr. sandman
i'm not alone
i love him from his skin to his bones

i already have a kid

she steals my scrunchies
and knocks my **** over
she eats the feathers off of my dream catchers
and sleeps on my chest
she bites me all the time
and apologizes with dead crickets
she chews apart all of the wires in my house
and frequently gets her head stuck in cups

she's a little ****
but she's the best baby
(the only baby)
i could ever want

to all of my best pals
the ones who made life bearable
those who were there for me at my worst
and loved me immeasurably at my best
to the ones i've lost
and the ones i'll make along the way
to all of the best friends
because you guys truly are the best
i love you all

and i vow to you we will be
one together, i give you my heart
i share with you my soul
my kiss, my light, my King.

i know these streets too well these days
every night, like clockwork
i leave my mind at my bedroom window
sometimes i drive
sometimes i just run
but my favorite nights are the empty ones
where i don't do anything
turn off completely
just wander through the dark like a ghost

you wouldn't know, but i cut my hair
dyed it too

it's black now
and short
just like my mother's
when she was in high school
i look just like her

and on the nights that i just float
it's easier to imagine how she must have felt
to leave her kids alone like that
in this ****** world
with nothing but fragmented memories
of sunken eyes and thin wrists
pink scars on pale skin

it was a dark
and stormy night

like a helium high
an oxygen-deprived
emotional overdose
a blackout -
where everything is
gone (nothing matters)
but more vivid and real than ever -

it is a shaking
ugly-crying
bad-photo-filter
no breathing
no seeing
gross-teen PSA
feeling -
that i know all too well.

that disgusting
terrified
frantic
helpless
plastic

feeling -

was my worst enemy for years.

you can try
to bleed it out
scream it out
**** it

but it is you -
you are fighting yourself
and you can't win

but it went away.
and there were good days
days that i laughed -
days that i felt loved -

but somehow
those terrifying
angry
cold (but too hot)
dont-touch-me
hold-me-tight

nights

are all i can remember.

i don't get to remember
my tenth birthday
or when my sister was born
or my friends laughing
or my teachers congratulating

because my ****** up brain
is too greedy
and it ate all of those memories
so that all i have is now -

all i have is you
and i know exactly how you feel
and i hate it
because i want to fix it
but i can't even begin to know how
when i can't even fix myself

i am at a place
of absolute peace
and honesty
a place of trust
and hope

i just wanna be happy

just
i love you
for the last time

it's a long road
and people are out to get you
but you'll survive

you will be better
than those before you
you will survive

you have a lot to learn
and it'll be hard
but you'll make it

you are going to be something
you are going to do something
you are going to make it

i want his words
to keep forever
they make me smile
and it feels nice
to smile.

is it me or him?
who would you stand beside
when the world ends?

am i still the one you write about
am i still "the one"
or have you found another soul
are we truly done?

is it me or him that you want to hold?
whose heart do you call home?
because the nasty voice in my skull
thinks its not my own.

i can't think
i can't think
i don't know
i want to write you a song
im sorry
im high
i love you
and im so ******* high wow
i have lots of thoughts
and they're all very confusing
im gonna try to catch them
and spit them out here

ummm
first of all
this is not a love poem
i knowyou know i love you
and there's nothing i can do about it

deep inside
im hoping i can say something so meaningful
so moving, that you fall in love with me again
and take me back. but thats selfish
and unrealistc
because i dont even know if im speaking english
and im supposed to be happy for you
if he makes you happy

but anyways
this supposed to be about how
i realized that this is beyond my control
an that it is absolutely about you
im trying to understand
i want to understand
im going to end this
before i say anyhing else stupid

too loud music
laughing at myself
who am i now?
vapor spills
toxic thrills
where am i now?
missing him
kissing her
what are we now?
~
in a stall
haunt the halls
i hate this school
i hate them all
too much makeup
too much money
laughing at him
(it's not funny)

i wish i could help you
because i know how it hurts
i wish i could save you
because ive been there before
but i cant if you cant let me
and i cant help wondering
if you pushing me away
means you need me gone
or if its a cry for me to hold you closer

i am not going to get any better
i have struggled with my problems for my entire life
and i will continue to for the rest of it
but i can be better for you
you can come back from this
you have a chance
please dont waste it.

coming from a person that felt how you feel
when she was six
let someone help you
let people in
or you will lose your chance
this is not something you can do alone


if anything i have ever said
meant anything you
then listen to this.
please
let someone love you
get better
if nothing else
do it for me

let someone love you

i like it at the bottom of the ocean
even if i drown
at least i cant feel the waves
tossing me around

the doctors use fancy words
they make sadness sound like science
they scrub you up and turn you out
fresh
raw
exposed
with a 50% chance of survival

half of these people
follow up
they keep going
keep working
get better
they survive
with only scars and memories
to show for their pain

and some people, the other half
they fall out
into the dirt
they get infected
it spreads past the skin
to the heart lungs and brain
it kills them
they die
a little scrape
that they tried to fix
kills them.

i need you now like an open wound needs oxygen and care
i need you to survive
so that i can

our love may be messy
and confusing
and unstable at times
but it is real
and it is whole
and the way i love you
is yours and yours only
because i have loved before
but the important thing
is that they didn't last
but you,
you're still here.
and so am i
and as far as im concerned
i always will be

hell yeah
take my hand
lets wreck this show

and im so glad
that he loves you
because he's really cool
and im sick of hating him
unless you think hes cooler than me
then id have to **** him

and also
i really think
i might love someone too
and shes really cool
(but not cooler than you)
and she makes me feel
lesbian things
and idk
lets be gay criminals

and i miss my
best friend
too

soft
peach tones
blushing

yellow
fading orange
fading pink
rosé

warm
and soft
strong

caffeine free
orange-ish
yellow and pink
like candy
never too sweet

just a girl
but she's a peach
sparkling
pretty and keen
gentle
fruity and kind
pretty peach
i wish she was mine

this tinsel tickles my chin
and makes my arms itch.
i wonder
how long i have to smile
before i throw a rock at this lady's camera
and say **** it
to my christmas card?

there is a hole in my nose
and one in my heart

holding hands
in the halls
giggling
in the dark

the color of a white rabbit's eyes. the color of painted nails and his favorite shade of baby lips. the color of burnt skin and old scars. the color of the sky right before the sun sets and over-ripe strawberries. the color of childhood.

she's someone new
but she isn't

a lifelong friend
making me feel
the fluttery wings
of little pink butterflies inside
small and soft
billowing silk
holding me up

sort of like the curtains
in my old bedroom
pink and flying
in the ocean wind

i don't think i love her
but i really could

i collect
little plastic animal figurines

i have basically every living thing you can think of
sure, the basic zoo and farm animals
bugs and fish of all kinds
but not just generic animals
i have different species
i try to get scientifically correct ones
i have 15 plastic birds
they are all different and all real birds
i have 16 fish
again, all different
11 lizards
2 bumblebees
4 bears
6 butterflies
a fly
innumerable snakes and spiders

almost 60 of them altogether

trying everything there is
to distract myself from you

but i am so afraid
so, so afraid
that one morning
you'll be more than distant
afraid that you'll be gone

i don't sleep anymore
i just sit in bed
staring at my phone
like it will tell me that you're fine
like it will save you

it's none of my business
but i am so
*******
scared

im running out of ways
to tell you that i am dying
i think im done
asking for help
whats the point in screaming yourself hoarse
when nobody's even listening?

i know
there isnt much anybody can do to save me
so i may as well shut up
and leave quietly, without a scene

it will hurt enough
without knowing that nobody cared

i am rotting him
bringing him down and down
tearing him apart
i am poison
he won't stop taking me in
lapping me up
like a drug
im hurting him
by just being here
i hate myself