i can hear laughing.
it might be mine,
but it isn't loud enough.
i'm rocking myself
like a crazy person.
i can't feel my skin,
but i know that i'm crying.
i can see the tears hitting the floor
in little drops, like blood from a cut.
something in me wants to think this is a test,
the gods pushing my will,
seeing how close to the edge i'll get
before i jump.
i keep telling myself
that all the bad will weigh out
and one day it'll be euphoria.
but maybe karma really is a *****.
maybe it really doesn't ever get better.

****
when he walked in
i was happy to see him
elated, even
he's the only person
in these past few months
thats treated me like an equal
like a human being
the one person who's shown me respect
listened to me speak
and tried to understand
and ****
i was so happy

and now
i feel like im drowning in mud
my brain feels sticky
and heavy
and slow
and i

looking across
the cold rush of water,
I toss my shoes.
they land, one scattering from the other
on the opposite side of the river.
the cold stones are distantly spaced
and slick from algae,
and god-knows-what green stuff.
my heart skitters past my lungs,
hiding like the little girl she is-
tucked away, afraid.
what if I fall in?
what if I slip?
i could just stay here,
on this end.

your cries of loathe
only further fuel my endeavors
i am a formidable force
and i will not be stopped
i love you
and i will continue
to be a disturbing and affectionate
animal
until you give me
what i want

i miss you
all the time
i want you to be happy
you make me happy
i love you
i dont know how
or why
i just do
i love your smile
it lights me up inside
and i love your laugh
it makes me giggle
i love the way you make me feel
so grown up but still young and free
i love he way you touch me
like im something to be cherished
i love you
so much

lean into me
bury your face in my neck
cry on my shoulder
let me hold you all night
relax in my arms
whisper in my ear
how much you love me
let me protect you
from the entire world
from your family
and their judgments
from you exes
and their lies
do want this?
because i can give it to you
all of this and more
and all i ask of you in return
is that you love me
and don't ever stop

if i write you
will you love me
if i kiss you
will you kiss back
if i hurt you
will you leave me
if i break you
will you find happiness again

dont give me your heart
because i am clumsy
and i will likely drop it
then step on it
and not even realize what i've done

deep breaths
calming down
get a fist around your emotions
think about them
discuss with them
get rid of the unnecessary ones
no more panicking
no more breaking down
lets get this together
and rise up

is it too late in the game
to try and change?
too close to the end
to start again?

if i changed now, became the person i wish i was
accepted myself and said **** it to my parents
to anyone, everyone who said i was wrong
could i change forever?

i feel like my happiness
isn't worth the struggle anymore
to lose so much, just for what?
peace of mind? comfort?

i feel like the weight, the attention
to who i am, what i want
would be too much

i remember my wandering days

when my only love were those sick streets and empty sweets
train tracks and broken bottles, running til your body aches
a place where time meant nothing and everything existed
but only i could see it

those days were before you ever knew me
days when i dyed my hair and dried flowers
days when i might have believed in magic
days when it was just me and the night sky
days when i looked down from the edge of the bridge
feeling free and empty and useless and fine with it

it feels like im saying
and writing
the same things over and over
but they are important to me
and i need them to be heard
to be seen
so i will not stop
until i am understood
by all of you
and by myself

i am rotting him
bringing him down and down
tearing him apart
i am poison
he won't stop taking me in
lapping me up
like a drug
im hurting him
by just being here
i hate myself

is her
if i ever loved another
it would have to be her

i mean, shes amazing
shes funny and sweet
and so ******* cute

god, i love making her laugh and blush
maybe i'm being silly
but i really, really like her


and can you imagine, me
with good friends and an amazing girlfriend
and a real smile on my face?
can you imagine me
but happy again?

because i can
and it sounds
******* great

maybe i could stand
to look outside of myself
for moment too

babies are manipulative as ****
these little people
that everyone sees as helpless and innocent
can bring a room of men to hysteria
i have seen fathers rip their hair out
at the idea of losing a child
grown men go to prison
for their little girls

so when this little baby cries
i don't see helplessness
i see power
being grasped and used
to survive

i am going out to lunch with my friends
i ordered a small diet pepsi
i am laughing and flirting with boys
i am acting like nothing will ever fall apart
i am fake
i am plastic
i am fine

it was a dark
and stormy night

like a helium high
an oxygen-deprived
emotional overdose
a blackout -
where everything is
gone (nothing matters)
but more vivid and real than ever -

it is a shaking
ugly-crying
bad-photo-filter
no breathing
no seeing
gross-teen PSA
feeling -
that i know all too well.

that disgusting
terrified
frantic
helpless
plastic

feeling -

was my worst enemy for years.

you can try
to bleed it out
scream it out
**** it

but it is you -
you are fighting yourself
and you can't win

but it went away.
and there were good days
days that i laughed -
days that i felt loved -

but somehow
those terrifying
angry
cold (but too hot)
dont-touch-me
hold-me-tight

nights

are all i can remember.

i don't get to remember
my tenth birthday
or when my sister was born
or my friends laughing
or my teachers congratulating

because my ****** up brain
is too greedy
and it ate all of those memories
so that all i have is now -

all i have is you
and i know exactly how you feel
and i hate it
because i want to fix it
but i can't even begin to know how
when i can't even fix myself

I don't know who I am anymore.
Maybe I never knew,
Or maybe my self
Is not something meant to be known.
I know what I want,
But not how to get it.
I want to be a good mother,
A kind person,
A strong leader.
I want to be loved,
Honestly, this time.
But I'm not sure if I know love at all.

I'm committing
To a life
I don't know

All I have
Left of me
Is hope.

WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO BE WRONG?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE BAD GUY?
I KNOW YOU'RE STRUGGLING
AND I'M SO SORRY I COULDN'T/CAN'T HELP YOU
BUT I'M ******* STRUGGLING TOO
I'M ******* EXHAUSTED.
YOU CAN BE MAD AT ME
HATE ME FOR ALL ETERNITY
I DON'T ******* CARE ANYMORE
NONE OF YOU CARE ABOUT ANYONE BUT YOUR **** SELF
IM NOT ASKING YOU TO DIE FOR ME
I JUST WANT TO BE ABLE TO BREATHE
FOR JUST A MOMENT
I WANT TO LET GO

could you at least TRY to see how ******* lonely i am? how isolated i've become? how ******* close i am to having nothing left?

I DON'T WANT YOUR LOVE
I JUST WANT A FRIEND.

just in case you were wondering

i put my feelings aside, yes
and i try my best to be a good friend
(and nothing more)
i talk to other girls and guys
and i really do like some of them

but i don't ever stop loving you
it might be quiet and suppressed
but it's still there, still living in my heart like a fire

i won't do or say lovey things for you anymore
because i know that just makes it harder for you
but i will always have that love, deep down
waiting, hoping, for you to come back to me.

catch feelings
for cute girls,
pretty boys.

fall in love.

deny it.

let them hurt you.
hurt yourself, mostly.

get yourself together,
bring yourself back up.

but **** he's pretty.

It's like these words were written by someone else.
I see things that remind of you and they scare me.
You do not scare me.
I am hiding from words which individually mean nothing.
Together they are frightening.
What is this anxiety, why is it haunting me?
Why am I so repelled by what i love?
Because I love you.
I really, truly do.
And I am not repelled by you.
I am repelled by myself.
My own actions and thoughts and feelings.
But that will never be stronger than this.
Us.

tiny red hearts
in a glass jar
silver string
on my skin

plastic promises
are blown away
by her careful smile
once again

be my friend

you don't have to hide things from me
you can tell me about the boy you like
and i want to tell you about her
because i really like her
or anything, literally anything
i just want to talk to you

i miss us before we got so broken
i miss being able to talk to you about anything
i miss making fun of you for all the dumb boys you date
i miss hearing you laugh at all of my stupid antics
i miss running through the halls and laughing at ourselves
i miss sitting by you at lunch and acting like little kids
i miss us when we were good and as happy as we could be

i miss my best friend

i held your hand
(shhh)
and you squeezed it
(come here)
its an open relationship
(i missed you)
no one has to know
(i'm sure)
we can share a secret
(lets have fun)
share our sins
(just you and me)
and walk around the important things
(shhhhh)
crunch across frozen grass
(it's cold in here)
under burned out street lights
(so dark outside)
through cracked windows
(your mom will hear)
and whisper naughty secrets
(lets go all night)
find new ditches and alleys
(like stars in the sky)
no one has to know
(i want this)
what happens at night.
( bad )

a white picket fence
and a humble abode
domestic bliss, you could say
but it's far from my home
i lost the poet in me
let go of her dreams
and settled my heart
for what was easy

married, a baby
i love them. undoubtedly
but i lost my fire, my passion
gave up on deep, unfathomable love
and settled for comfort
i forgot dreams of falling for a fellow poet, someone gentle, with an artist's hands
i lost sight of beauty, depth

i just want to be happy
and this is the closest im convinced ill ever get

Tonight I walked around the house
The one that used to be ours
I looked around for things that are missing
Things you thought were important enough to take
You took your toothbrush
But left your house key
You took your laundry
But not your ring
You took my pride
But you didn't take me

her

her smile on a screen
her hand on a pen
her laugh from the passenger seat

we wouldn't have to run away to be happy
we wouldn't have to be falling apart to fall in love

the music and the colors and the movement

her.

its okay
if it is

i don't need you anymore.

so love and be loved my friends!

i am glorious
i am golden
in my heart i am loved

you don't even hafta pretend
to like me

bring on your anger
bring it on!

because i am loved
by myself
and that is golden