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185 · Apr 2024
rip and tear
nevaeh Apr 2024
i feel heavy
in my mind and throat
a familiar feeling
certainly.
sometimes it feels like the only way to
ease the weight
is to dig it out
grow claws and sink them in
behind my eyes
under my jaw
into the soft space below the back of my skull
rip it all out
tear away at whatever it is
until i feel empty
and clean
again
184 · Feb 2021
always forever
nevaeh Feb 2021
forever is too long
when forever
is really only
a few more weeks
at best.

and besides,
i really cant handle
losing one more person
in this ******* world.

so my plan is a simple one:

just don't hold on
and you'll never
have to let go.
forever never lasts babe, let's just be for now and hope for tomorrow, okay?
182 · Mar 2020
i might like you too
nevaeh Mar 2020
i know that you "like" me
and maybe one day i can really like you too
but right now
even if i did
i wouldn't know
because i can't tell my emotions apart anymore
and you, as a person, deserve more than
my broken aching self
i'm sorry
182 · Nov 2020
going the wrong way
nevaeh Nov 2020
your name on a screen
at a red light

how easy it should be
to just say
"i miss you, i feel like ****, and i want you back"

i hate it
i hate this

i hate crying on her shoulder
because it should be yours
i hate going to her
when i want to be with you
i hate the constant ache in my chest
when i remember how much i loved you
how much i still love you

i hate the way my dreams are full of you
your voice and the smell of your hair in the morning
i hate not knowing if you're still there
i hate watching you fall apart
i hate it so much
everything hurts
182 · Dec 2020
i never stop loving you
nevaeh Dec 2020
just in case you were wondering

i put my feelings aside, yes
and i try my best to be a good friend
(and nothing more)
i talk to other girls and guys
and i really do like some of them

but i don't ever stop loving you
it might be quiet and suppressed
but it's still there, still living in my heart like a fire

i won't do or say lovey things for you anymore
because i know that just makes it harder for you
but i will always have that love, deep down
waiting, hoping, for you to come back to me.
you aren't "unlovable" i'm literally in love with you ***** stop
181 · Dec 2020
the other side of that coin
nevaeh Dec 2020
is her
if i ever loved another
it would have to be her

i mean, shes amazing
shes funny and sweet
and so ******* cute

god, i love making her laugh and blush
maybe i'm being silly
but i really, really like her


and can you imagine, me
with good friends and an amazing girlfriend
and a real smile on my face?
can you imagine me
but happy again?

because i can
and it sounds
******* great
ughhghg im sorry this is too positive for me
#ah
181 · Dec 2019
pictures
nevaeh Dec 2019
this tinsel tickles my chin
and makes my arms itch.
i wonder
how long i have to smile
before i throw a rock at this lady's camera
and say **** it
to my christmas card?
i hate taking photos.
180 · Jan 2020
skin
nevaeh Jan 2020
I walked alone on a cold night, through trees and over graves, to meet my dancing partner. She was solemn and sweet, but thin, too thin; a skeleton. I held her and we spun and swayed in the dark, under the stars. Soon her brittle fingers were warm and lush between mine, and She smiled: not my smile, but my lips, my eyes and skin. Not me but a ghost wearing my face. Slowly as we danced, her body swelled and filled, thicker and warm. She was smaller then me, her bones too short, my skin too loose on her slim wrists and hips. My own  heartbeat slowed as I felt hers grow beneath her ribs. We twirled under the stars and she dipped me, now light, low to the ground, yet no blood rushed to my cheeks, my heart skipped no beat but lacked one entirely. She gasped, a first breath; new and refreshed, Alive. No air flowed to my lungs, for I found that I had none. She lay me gently on the grass, disturbing the nights dew and wetting my skull. She walked away with all of me, and I wondered if anybody ever noticed that I was not me, but a dead girl wearing skin.
179 · Oct 2019
~
nevaeh Oct 2019
~
I
never
loved
you

~
nevaeh Sep 2020
~
1. try on everything in your closet and determine that you look awful no matter what you wear

2. play rachmaninovs elégie op. 3 no. 1 with the synthesizer tuned to sound like a robot so the fact that it's for dead people feels less heavy

3.  turn literally everything into art - including yourself and all reachable surfaces - paint, write poetry, make music, dance and be free

4. drink more water in one sitting than you have consumed in your entire life

5. put a box fan at the end of your bed, therefor inflating your blankets and effectively making a sick blanket air cave

6. reflect on every terrible thing you have done and all of the people you've lost

7. spiral into a deep depression and wonder why you're even alive when the only things you have to live for are universes away

8. remember that life itself is pointless and that nothing means anything until you force it to

9. pet your cat because shes a beautiful girl and she deserves all of the love in the world and more

10. absolutely, no matter what, never ever go to sleep.
~
its only when im dreaming that i remember what it's like to feel loved
178 · Jan 2021
terrified
nevaeh Jan 2021
she's strong, i know she is
too many people let every bad thing drag them down
not her, she uses the negativity, the ****** days
builds off of them and makes herself stronger
but she's still just a person
and she's fragile on the inside
and i am so, so scared of hurting her.
she deserves so much better than me
#ah
176 · Jan 2022
what i've lost
nevaeh Jan 2022
i've lost
everything
lost my love
for the arts
for my friends
i've lost my love
the only one i've ever known
i've lost before
and i will lose again
i'm sure
i'll lose him
to old love
and i'll lose her
to something new

but it's okay
i'll get back up
start again
find new love
and new friends
176 · Nov 2020
consistent
nevaeh Nov 2020
things in life always seem to change so fast
and i myself am remarkably unstable
so i keep the little things, never let them change
because without those tiny details
i might end up someone else entirely
@ me wearing the same 7 shirts every week since 8th grade
175 · Sep 2020
plastic animals
nevaeh Sep 2020
i collect
little plastic animal figurines

i have basically every living thing you can think of
sure, the basic zoo and farm animals
bugs and fish of all kinds
but not just generic animals
i have different species
i try to get scientifically correct ones
i have 15 plastic birds
they are all different and all real birds
i have 16 fish
again, all different
11 lizards
2 bumblebees
4 bears
6 butterflies
a fly
innumerable snakes and spiders

almost 60 of them altogether
this is random but true - i used to have an axolotl
172 · Mar 2021
the only good friend
nevaeh Mar 2021
your'e my best friend
you do not make me feel used
you are not one of many
you'e the only one
that matters
it's okay
it's okay
it's okay
i miss you too
and it's okay
you'e a good friend
you're my best friend
and that's okay
calm down, we're okay
172 · Aug 2020
the necklace you gave me
nevaeh Aug 2020
i wear it everyday
im not ignoring you
i just have no idea what to say
i know what i mean to you
but i refuse to hurt you
because you mean so much to me too
so i wont pull you in closer
i wont let you poison yourself
with me
it has nothing to do with you. im broken and i cant handle breaking anyone else. it hurts too much.
172 · Sep 2020
lightning
nevaeh Sep 2020
if you were
if you could
if you wanted to
then i would
if you knew
and that was it

then i think lightning
just might hit
strike me over and over
171 · Dec 2019
you
nevaeh Dec 2019
you
you are denim and stains
you are safety pins and chains
you are the moon and the rain
you are a heart and a brain
you are all fun and games
you are love,
you are pain.
you are everything.
literally everything.
i know you want to know how i feel. i'm probably just as confusing to you as you are to me, but it feels like i couldn't say all the things that i feel without losing them.
171 · Sep 2021
Untitled
nevaeh Sep 2021
I've lost my will
My need to speak
My words are just words
And my lungs have grown weak
There is no more beauty
To be spilled from my heart
My hands have gone stiff
Incapable of art

Do you ever wish to go back
To before we all died
Before the lights went dim
And we went out with the tide
I miss being happy
171 · Mar 2021
please
nevaeh Mar 2021
im running out of ways
to tell you that i am dying
i think im done
asking for help
whats the point in screaming yourself hoarse
when nobody's even listening?

i know
there isnt much anybody can do to save me
so i may as well shut up
and leave quietly, without a scene

it will hurt enough
without knowing that nobody cared
blissful ignorance. if i dont tell anybody how bad it is, they cant be blamed for doing nothing
171 · Feb 2022
my friends
nevaeh Feb 2022
to all of my best pals
the ones who made life bearable
those who were there for me at my worst
and loved me immeasurably at my best
to the ones i've lost
and the ones i'll make along the way
to all of the best friends
because you guys truly are the best
i love you all
to atlas. ollie, ari, max, kaliyah, all of you ive lost, and lastly, those of you who support me here. love you guys
nevaeh Dec 2020
i remember my wandering days

when my only love were those sick streets and empty sweets
train tracks and broken bottles, running til your body aches
a place where time meant nothing and everything existed
but only i could see it

those days were before you ever knew me
days when i dyed my hair and dried flowers
days when i might have believed in magic
days when it was just me and the night sky
days when i looked down from the edge of the bridge
feeling free and empty and useless and fine with it
those days were called middle school
169 · Mar 2021
noncompetition
nevaeh Mar 2021
i don't know what he's afraid of
im not the competition
im not even playing the game anymore
he won a long time ago
and i gave up

i don't deserve that love anyways
i won't ever be that beautiful
pretty isn't always all you need
169 · Aug 2020
small
nevaeh Aug 2020
tall, actually,
taller than me, even.
i know.
that's ridiculous.
he's 6'3.

...

wow.

kissing him is
kinda good.
i don't have to lean over
i actually kinda hafta go up on my tippy toes

i have never felt small before.
i was the 5 foot 4th grader
"sasquatch girl"
"amazon"
"scyscraper"
"the lurch"
for crying out loud.

but he can hold me
he makes me feel special
he makes me feel
small
169 · Apr 2020
gramophone
nevaeh Apr 2020
stuck in a loop
of i love you
a repeat song
playing for an empty room

is it you
or is it just the gramophone
good ol' eddie was pretty legit
168 · Mar 2021
hot and cold
nevaeh Mar 2021
i wanna be your pretty girl
sink into yours arms and feel your skin on mine
i wanna be gentle and soft and loving
glowing like an angel in the sun
i wanna be gold and white
cold against your deep heat
and isn't it funny
the way your soul flames
and mine frosts over
everyone assumes
that you're the sun
and i'm the moon

yet your hands are always cold
and my skin never cools under their touch
what are we if not angels in disguise?
168 · Jan 2021
sick
nevaeh Jan 2021
sick sick sick
sick to the stomach
sick in the head

ill and unsightly
avert your eyes
too tall, too skinny
i don't like it
haha yeah i hate myself what about it
168 · Nov 2019
vain
nevaeh Nov 2019
vanity is a poison
injected at birth
that festers and grows
until the victim is so weak and alone
and separated from reality
that it can devour her whole
and leave her to rot
as a cold, empty, ghost of a woman
168 · Nov 2021
waves
nevaeh Nov 2021
up and down
and up
and down

it'll stay that way
for a long time

the up and down
the dark water

coming up
rising high
crashing down
suffocating
then relief, again
briefly
for a moment
air
space
wide, open space
the nothing
before the roll and crash
of another wave

yes, it'll be like that
for good long while
maybe forever, even
168 · Mar 2020
but you won't understand
nevaeh Mar 2020
i could tell you
for hours on end
how much i loathe myself
how every time i breathe
life feels like a disgusting virus
burrowing inside me
i could tell you about the days that i starved myself
hoping it would end me
i could tell you about the frightening speed
at which i can tie a noose
and you would never understand that i want to live

i cold tell you about my past
my real past
not california
but nine years of being beaten and neglected
then jumped around foster care
finally, finally getting a home
but you know how that is
and you would never understand that i need them

i know that i hurt you
i know you never felt like you should have
i know i never made you happy
i know i "got into your head" whatever that means
you know all of these things too
but you will never understand how much it hurt me

not you
you did nothing but try to save yourself
i hurt myself
its the only thing i'm good at
and i'm sorry you got hurt in the process.
i could talk to you, but it would do no good.
165 · Dec 2019
before death
nevaeh Dec 2019
lets have quiet kisses
quiet nights
loud thoughts
bold moves
blushing cheeks
sweet words
calm days
lets live
life
before we
die.
i want to say so much but i don't know how and im scared i might never be able to.
163 · Jan 2020
haunted
nevaeh Jan 2020
it feels like im saying
and writing
the same things over and over
but they are important to me
and i need them to be heard
to be seen
so i will not stop
until i am understood
by all of you
and by myself
sometimes i think poetry isn't for me, but giving up is not an option anymore.
162 · Mar 2021
i dont fucking know, okay?
nevaeh Mar 2021
dont touch me
god, dont ******* touch me
i dont know why im shaking
stop asking me questions
its too much for my brain
i dont know anything
i dont want to be alone
i thought i had it controlled
thought this could work
but it isnt its not working
and every step closer is a little worse
this isnt art anymore
this is me dying in words on a screen
im losing it
everything
ive already lost my mind
dont pity me though
i wont let you
im not helpless or pathetic
im angry
because i deserved better
from myself and from the rest of you
i hope when im gone
you all learn how to be human
because now
this world isnt worth suffering on
im fed up with stories and metaphors
pretty words
"poetry"
its not a safe space its a ******* nightmare
nowhere is safe anymore
it all hurts
im a disappointment
and a ******* freak
and i ******* hate it here
i hate my body and i hate myself
who i am
learning who i am was supposed to be
fun and romantic and life-changing
instead it just made me lonely
because all i realized was
ive always been my only friend
the others were imaginary all along
im having like 2 mental breakdowns a day and i cant stop having panic attacks over nothing i dont know whats wrong with me but i want it to stop and it feels like not a single person gives a ****.
161 · Sep 2020
🖤
nevaeh Sep 2020
i  l o o k  i n t o  y o u r  e y e s
b u t  a l l  i  s e e  i s  d u s t  a n d  f l i e s

i  w i s h  y o u ' d  h e a r  m e  o u t
b u t  y o u r  s c r e a m s  a r e  f a r  t o o  l o u d

i  w a n t  t o  s e e  t h a t  l i g h t
c o m e  b a c k  t o  y o u r  m i n d

i  k n o w  y o u ' r e  d y i n g
b u t  y o u ' r e  j u s t  s o  d a m n  b e a u t i f u l

w h e n  y o u ' r e  s m i l i n g
i'd fix you in a heartbeat, if only i believed it could be done. ~ more old poetry, because i used to be better
160 · Jan 2021
if the world was ending
nevaeh Jan 2021
i'd **** myself
right before it ended
just so i could say
i finally did it
**** **** ****
160 · Oct 2020
jealousy
nevaeh Oct 2020
i am full            of colors
blue and pink     red and black
always moving and changing
there are things i dont know
things i cannot know
and it drives me
crazy
heart shaped poetry
160 · Jan 2021
a moment
nevaeh Jan 2021
could've been two hours
or ten seconds
i dont know

he just looked at me
right into my eyes
with those baby blues
and *******
can eyes even be that blue?
i think i was staring
and maybe he stared back
but, again, who knows?
eye contact - but better cause hes pretty
159 · Jan 2020
red ink
nevaeh Jan 2020
if i write you
will you love me
if i kiss you
will you kiss back
if i hurt you
will you leave me
if i break you
will you find happiness again

dont give me your heart
because i am clumsy
and i will likely drop it
then step on it
and not even realize what i've done
158 · Mar 2020
irrational wishes of now
nevaeh Mar 2020
i can live with forever
but still
every time i see him
my lungs squeeze tighter
and i just wish he would kiss me
one more time
before forever comes
i am truly pathetic and i couldnt care less
nevaeh Mar 2021
im so ******* lonely
that even love feels
a little too much for me
i don't want to be loved anymore
i just want to rot
im sick of everything
even ****** i can't stand it here
i wanna go home
and drown in the saltwater
let the bubbles from my lips
be my only goodbye
no more dreams of pretty boys
and happy homes
that life was for a girl who died long ago
im sick of trying to be her again
the pretty, peachy, happy girl
she died and she ******* deserved it
for all her sins
pretty boys are liars
and nothing good is real
im tired, no
******* exhausted
and honestly
im ready to die
dw im not gonna **** myself, im not stupid
157 · Dec 2019
rat
nevaeh Dec 2019
rat
oh, you fat little thing
does the smell of pine excite you?
perhaps the fog of apples and spice?
oh, dear little rat
it's all just a dream to you,
isn't it?
that corner sure is lovely
and i am sure you know i'm here.
don't worry
i won't hurt you.
a little company is nice on the holidays, after all.
poem for the little rat hiding in the corner of my room.
156 · Dec 2019
i **** you
nevaeh Dec 2019
you are the only reason i'm here today.
i smile when i think about you.
you make me feel genuinely happy.
i care about you so ******* much it hurts.
i feel all of these things and more.
i feel things i didn't even know existed.
i think i  * * * *  you.
but i'll never tell.
is it love? or need?
156 · Dec 2019
dead mans breath
nevaeh Dec 2019
he'd had too much whiskey
and when he said my name
i could smell
the rot and stink
of a dead mans breath
on my cheek.
156 · Oct 2020
october
nevaeh Oct 2020
we are
all the colors
in the sky
at dawn
in october
we fell in ♥ in october
155 · Oct 2021
im sorry
nevaeh Oct 2021
i love you
i love you
ill say again
and again
as many times
as i have to
to get it stuck
in your head
i love you
with no reason
i just do
i cant explain it, it just is
153 · Oct 2019
my King
nevaeh Oct 2019
and i vow to you we will be
one together, i give you my heart
i share with you my soul
my kiss, my light, my King.
153 · Jan 2020
mr. sandman
nevaeh Jan 2020
he is my dream
he's the cutest thing that i've ever seen
mr. sandman
he's a delight
leaving his side is a losing fight
mr. sandman
i'm not alone
i love him from his skin to his bones
thank you mr. sandman for bringing me a dream. he's stuck in my head like the song (which i claim no rights to)
150 · Feb 2020
rinse & repeat
nevaeh Feb 2020
catch feelings
for cute girls,
pretty boys.

fall in love.

deny it.

let them hurt you.
hurt yourself, mostly.

get yourself together,
bring yourself back up.

but **** he's pretty.
it happens like, once a month, so here's to forever darling <3
149 · Aug 2022
i think i might be not okay
nevaeh Aug 2022
I can't
I ******* can't
I can't care anymore
It ***** with my head

But the problem is
I can't stop
If this is what living is
I wish I was ******* dead
Not to cause alarm but yeah 👍
149 · Nov 2020
wants and needs
nevaeh Nov 2020
i want him
i want his arms around me
his hands on my hips
his eyes on me
his lips on my lips

i want him
every broken piece of him
i want his body
but im greedy
im selfish
i want him all for myself
i dont want to share

but i need him too
i need his heart more than his hands
i need his hope more than anything
i need him to be here
maybe not mine but still alive
i need him
somehow
some way
i do.
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