Today, I want to die.
I want to vanish and leave everything behind.
I want to stop my mind from sending unwarranted thoughts,
I want to scream and scream until I’m exhausted.

Today, I want to know why I need to continue living.
I want to see why I’m still needed here,
When in fact the world will be much better without me,
And my mere existence is a burden that the world carries.

Today, I want to ask forgiveness:
to my family who never fail to show their support,
to my friends who keep on cheering me on.
I’m sorry that I’m now tired... and resting and having a good night sleep is not enough.
I’m sorry that I need to do this,
I’m sorry that I couldn’t see the light.
I’m back again at the tunnel, where everything is black and sad.
If ever I won’t make it this time, please know that I had so much fun knowing you and loving you all..

It's been years since the last time I felt loved by another person aside from my Family.
He is an attractive man... scratch that, he is gorgeous!
Way gorgeous than what I've been praying for.

His eyes, his nose, HIS LIPS!
Everything about him screams of Masculinity.
Though I only met him online, I've always dreamed to be with him since the day we start chatting.

One thing I've noticed is he knows how to flirt!
He makes sure that I'm taken care of through his endless reminders.
He sends random snaps of himself and motivation,
he also sends voice messages that made my heart swoon.

But Wednesday came and he stopped sending GIFs.
His usual sweet good mornings and messages came to cease as if my subscription has been cut off,
and I failed to guard my heart again from getting hurt.

But surprisingly I'm not mad at him.
I'm actually happy because if a stranger can make me feel emotions unbeknown to me,
what more will be the man who will pursue me?

For now, I will linger a little bit more on his messages.
I will keep on playing his songs until I finally get over him.
Maybe writing about him here is one way to lessen this intense feeling that had been put off.
But I'm happy that last week, I fell in love

I'm drowning
slowly
to the pit of burnout
and endless tasks

I'm floating
away
from what's really important
from the real world
because of my choices

I'm dying
but every time I lay myself to rest
my hidden dreams awake me
shouting and crying
reminding me that this is not yet the end
this is not the life I'm dreaming for

I just need to push myself more
until I reach the end
and finally fall

Here it goes, I never thought I would be able to celebrate my 25th birthday today but thanks to God for giving me the Grace and the strength to carry on and continue living.

It’s been months since I’m under medication for MDD. There are days that I feel normal with no bouts of sadness but there are days that I want to end my life because I’m tired of feeling so helpless and worthless. Before I thought that those who has MDD are just a little bit exaggerated with their emotions but now I salute all those who continue to fight this battle. Despite the stigma, the name-calling, the constant pull of sadness, they still choose to move forward—one step at a time.

And today I just want to celebrate life and it’s diversity. I want to tell everyone that your emotions are valid and no one has the right to invalidate it. You are feeling it, experiencing it because you can and it’s part of life.

Let’s also normalize “blue days” as much as how to acknowledge “celebrations.” The sun is not always shining so don’t feel ashamed when you all want to do is to lay down and cry.

Some may not agree on how I live my life, on how I do my job, or how I manage people, but I’m very much thankful to those who still believe in me despite my flaws and incompetence. They are one of the reasons why I haven’t end this beautiful journey yet.

So let’s cheers and be happy while the blue clouds are still away! Happy birthday, self!

You know the drill.

Do not fall for that innocent smile.

Do not fall for that promising lies.

Do not fall for that sweet gestures or that husky bedroom voice.

Do not overthink that he's into you when you know that he does that too to every woman he meets.

Do not justify your feelings.

JUST DON'T

There are times I wish that you can see me more than me.
More than the friend who can be with you anytime, anywhere.
More than the friend who can give you advice when you're having a hard time with her.
More than the friend who doesn't say anything even though you don't call or chat for more than a month.

I wish you could start seeing me as a girl who continues to improve herself.
I wish you could start seeing me as a girl who is capable to love and be loved.
I wish you could start seeing me as a girl who can take good care of you... you can love you wholeheartedly.
But I know that you can't so I will just pretend dumb and numb from the pain.

Today. you provoke something inside me that I thought was gone.
You made me happy with your innocent gesture of asking me to accompany you to buy coffee.
You made me happy by sitting beside you in your new car, in the same seat that I usually see your girlfriend on.
You made me happy that you still make sure that I don't feel out of place while the Baristas tries to flirt with you.
You made me happy by confiding with me with your latest shenanigans and family problems.
You made me happy that you find me trust-worthy enough to know this information.
You made me happy by being there...
As a friend.
Even though I earnestly pray that we become more than that.

She's a girl that doesn't yield.
She fight and **** and destroy that hinders her way.
She doesn't think twice in pulling the trigger-- innocent or not.

They say that she is a monster born in a good family, but they don't know that we are all,
You only need to release the anger, the wrath, the devil inside you.
Listen to the voice inside your head.
Do what's he said.

But everything has come to an end.
She found her match -- too good for her rotten soul.
Finally laid to rest in her pool of blood.

When you don’t know the answer to your problem and you feel that everybody is against you.

When all you want is peace and love and happiness but you cannot get not even one.

When you just want to do your job, at least well, but no one appreciates your effort.

When everybody has its own opinion and it feels like yours is not worthy to be heard of.

When you’re trying your best to understand everyone and everything but all you can get is ‘because you’re too kind! You’re to good. ‘

Is it bad to be a good person? Is it bad to spread kindness? Is it bad that I’m too emotional less of intellectual compared to other people?

Is it bad to ask for understanding when the people who you serve treat you inhumanly? Is it bad that you don’t treat them the way your boss treat you? Is it bad that you accept all the bullets instead of dodging them just to protect people you care? Am I dumb for doing all of these?!

I hate this life that I’ve chosen. I hate myself now.

2018 why are you so harsh to me?

You are the unexpected twist of my 2018,
my knight in shining armour,
my milktea buddy,
my rant-support system,
my more than colleague pal.

You keep me sane when things unsteady,
You make me laugh when I feel down.
You remind me to take care of myself,
You make me feel like a woman.

But forgive me if I need to stop this
Just for me stay away from gossips
For you are a married man,
That I will never call ‘mine’

Yesterday I was happy.
I was full of energy that radiates to people I meet.
I wasn't even thinking about you-- Im slowly forgetting everything about you.

BUT

Today I feel like I'm drowning.
My thoughts float like a lazy sweep,
sliding, bouncing, swaying with what people says.
My arms are heavy, my legs cramps-- but nothing compares with the sad emotion that my heart silently cries.

I don't want you to suffer. I don't, too either.
This love that springs between us should stop before it grows and bear bad fruits.

I will try to unlove you. I will try to keep swimming away. I will not call you back just to keep you with your family.

P.S.
Do not worry because I know I can do this.
I just need a little bit time to adjust and not fall with your eyes