I'd rather be lied to
Than be cried on
I'd rather be ignored
Than have you say you're sorry again

my lungs are full of water
i know I'm drowning but I'm trying not to be an inconvenience
my throat is stuck and i can't sleep at night
my anxiety is yanking my hair out
and my headaches are breaking my bones
and i am trying not to be an inconvenience

The flowers that grow
In my veins and in my stomach
Have started to match
The ones on you used to give me
I cut and I killed them
I couldn't live with their colors
An everyday reminder
Of all I have lost

i wrap my dreams around my head to keep me warm, i forget that it is the dead of summer. the new stars float and burn inches from my red scalp. the old stars let their empty celestial bodies fall to the Earth, like the skin of cicadas that litters the southern dirt when october rears its head. it feels as if it is forever dusk, but the heat of the sun persists. i am encased in my atmosphere always, like a straightjacket. i do not take the chance of letting any part of me fall away again. i let the black stars edge into my periphery. i feel safe in permanent slumber. all of my body is intact.

I remember it
all too well
her tears were there
and she was unfixable
at 2 a.m., she was
taken for granted
and she thought
how sure it was she'd be outlived
I remember her
voice cracked, raw
as she said
I can't
and I can see it now
those doe eyes filled my vision
and tears swam round her lashes
so tired of crying
I remember it
I can feel it in my bones
how the air grew hotter
between spaces when no one spoke
but most of all
I remember me
speechless and dazed
filled with sorrow
my words were nothing
against her pain
she was still screaming
when I said to her
softly as I could
don't give up on yourself
for we both know
it isn't fair to you
stay away from your razors tonight.
look me in the eyes
you are so loved, and by so many

memories may fade
but flashbacks are forever
coming back
haunting my nightmares
refusing to die.

we will weave garlands
out of the flowers that flow from our wounds
and we will apologize
for the way the bruises you left
are too prominent
on our glittery skin

girls like me
are big city scrape
and unapologetic
in dreams
girls like me
are delve deeper
and ****** back
in speak
girls like me
are laughing louder
and showing teeth
when we please.

you say
girls
and acid drips off your tongue
girls like me
are such a waste of energy
and we should maybe
calm down.

you think your bones are ripe and fresh as summer fruit
and you know it will hurt when you pluck yourself from the vine
it should not be that way
you offer yourself to the night, **** and full-bellied and black as ink
your body bends as an altar to any star that hungers
for something as earthly as you.

I much prefer dreaming to the harsh light of day
making the universe
was the world's biggest mistake.

you tell me
my touch burns
and hurts
good thing, because
i whisper
*i am a wildfire

reinventing to become invincible.
all my back-home warmth is freezing over--
freckle sun-girl turned ice queen.
i have run dry of all love, all patience, all sweetness.
i am cold-snap. immortal winter.
untouchable;
my heart only beats for me now.

I hope you can't be happy
with anyone but me
and by the time you realize it
I'll be over you

i don't need your warmth anymore
i am my own sun

this is my body
and it is a grandiose palace
with crumbling architecture.

this is my body
and i do not live in it yet
but i am moving in.

lights
the sky opening for them
and kissing them with colour
setting them free
and caging them in
to a canvas of
shine
lights
breathe them in, slow and thick
like smoke in the air
falling as the wind shakes them in
they're wound round my hair
and mainly neon like unending sun
most of all, in the stars
lights
so unbridled, shining how they may
flying where they so wish
the planets conspire
to catch their spirits like fireflies in a jar
how like your eyes they are
how they remind me
mainly, most of all
we're undeniably free

starting all my sentences with
"im sorry but"
hesitant to speak my mind
terrified to speak at all

my blue gooseflesh bores me
i lost my lens and i want to build a wall between my body and my blood
i painted all my nails so i would stop biting them
and i bit the polish off
i told everyone i loved winter
every year before i felt at home
i hate winter
it cracks my bones and i overthink everything there is to think about
i think in monochrome pastel
and it isn't as poetic as it seems-looks-sounds
when you feel like your whole body is turning against you
and your bones are shivering with a garish black
tar paint for blood
if god exists
i want a ******* explanation

you're never not who you are
because ghosts can still get to you
with your doors locked shut
and ghosts can still see you
with your makeup on

i don't call them depressive episodes
i call them reruns
over and over

carpet floors and quick hugs
moth-eaten sweaters and goodbye kisses
I hate that I remember it all

you are hardwood, girl
and every crack in you is filled up
you wrap your rosary fast around your wrists
and you eat your disproportionate parts
and then you throw them up.
you do not let yourself yell
because the sound of your voice out loud
scares you more than anything else in the world.
you whisper prayers with your eyelashes tight
against your cheeks
because no one told you that you are not
the product of everyone who hurt you.

when i get
accidentally
next to you
i can
catch your heartbeat
thudding along
in your chest
i'm almost shocked
that it isn't
hollow.

have you ever been awoken at 5 a.m.
by the demons
raging inside your head?
you have never ever felt like
there is no difference
between being alive and being dead.
I didn't ask to be this way
I didn't mean to make you leave
but 'the pain was just too much for you'
you can't imagine,
my horrid darling dear
how much it is for me.

Your thoughts are poems
And you can only write free-verse

fake smiles
empty eyes
filling up
on tired lies
don't you see
i'm almost done?
trapped in sadness
i can't run

your imperfections
are not testaments
to your lack of existence
they are proclamations
of your absolute reality

dry bones
and ice skin
it's no wonder
you never learned to breathe