we said
we were both better off
but that didn't wash the
metallic taste of blood
from biting my tongue
and begging you to stay.

they say
a watched *** never boils
and that is why I turned my back on the door,
still hoping you would come through it
and say I'm home.


you said
we were forever
but you're the boy
who never could fully love
and I'm the girl
who loved too much
and together we were
chaos and destruction,
a shattered glass in a child's hands.

I'm getting better at deleting messages.
I'm getting better at ignoring calls.
I'm getting better at not saying "I miss you."
and not paying attention to the "I never loved you at all"s.

I'm getting better at guarding my heart.
I'm getting better at not falling.
I'm getting better at saying no
and ignoring boys who are good at stalling.

I'm getting better at loving myself.
I'm getting better at forgiving you.
I'm getting better at moving on
and recognizing that our love wasn't true.

"Does your stomach still drop when you see him? "
Yeah.
But not way it use to.
It use to drop from excitement.
Now it's from fear.
What will it be this time?
What has he done? What will he do?
Why is he mad? What did I do?
The constant nagging in my head just anticipating the next fight instead of the next kiss.
The built up fear bc I know I'm about to have to ask if he's coming home tonight or staying out again.
& anticipating the second answer while hoping for the first.
You say you love me.
& I know you use to.
But everything changed.

I know you're approximately
thirteen hundred miles away
but I can't keep quiet anymore

there is something about the way
your hair curls at your neck
when you're two weeks past needing it cut

I know your hands are ***** and rough
but they would feel so perfect
wrapped with mine

your laugh can change my darkest days
into little rays of sun and
the way you make me feel
is second to none

there are many ways to say it
and many way for you to see
I guess the easiest way is
stop wasting your time not loving me.

I am allowed to hate you.
I am allowed to spit your name out of my mouth.
I am allowed to cry acid tears.
I am allowed to guard my heart.
I am allowed to not speak to you for years.
I am allowed to drink more than I should.
I am allowed to miss you, still.
But what I am not allowed to do,
what I will never be allowed to do is
think that I am not allowed to find love again.