After being in a long term relationship
And always having that security
The knowing that someone loves you
Knowing that no matter what you’re beautiful
That your breath in the morning will still make them smile
That your eyes filled with tears won’t make you any less pretty
Is one of the many things I forgot about that you don’t get when single

Theres many things I forgot but that one hit me like a ton of bricks
I forgot what it felt like to fully never know if someone likes you
That the guy who holds you in his hands
And pulls you closer when a guy walks by
May just be doing this because you’re the easy one
He knows what to say when you want to hear it
And that just makes me wonder so much more

Because for so long I never had to worry about my body
I knew I was big, but I knew I was beautiful
To her
Now, I’m in the wilderness again and I forgot that bears just want to eat
That when he kisses down my body
And slides his hands across my stomach
He may just be doing this because he knows that I will

Its hard never knowing if they have the same feelings
Because no matter how many times he can say it light heartily
It’ll never feel like he actually means it
I am wrapped up in my head again, now that I have lost my security
She was **** at her job but at least I knew I had a body guard
And now the awkward stage of this relationship is just ******* with my head
Do you like me or not? And be honest? Brutally.

When starting to date me
Please be careful
I’m very fragile and sad
And I’ll take everything to heart
I think I’m the worst
Even though I know I’m not
So don’t trust my smile when I say
“I am pretty”
I think I’m horrible
Unlovable
No matter how many friends I have
Or how many relationships I’ve gone through
I will never think you love me
Or even like me
Because you’re only putting on a facade because you know I’m sad
I know you’re pitying me
Everyone does
I dont have real friends
Boyfriends or girlfriends
They’re all just pity

So when you start to date me
Please dont be offended when I start to hide away
You’re getting close to me
And I’m scared of hurting you
You’ll give me your love
You’ll stay up late when I’m sad
You’ll get concerned when I dont answer
Because you think I finally caved into depression
But I havent
I may be thinking about it
Ways to do it
How you’ll react
But I won’t
And I’m not quite sure
And I’m sorry in advanced
Because I will hurt you
I will make you feel worthless
And useless
Because no one understands whats going on in my head
And I’m scared to tell you whats going on in my head

So when you start to date me
You’ll be dating my mental illnesses too
They control my mind and how I think
Even when I know they’re wrong
They’re always right
Understand that I am trying
Even when I’m in bed at 12 in the afternoon
Even when I havent left the house or eaten in days
I am trying to get better
I know taking my meds will help
But I hate knowing that I need medication to feel healthy
I want to feel like everyone else
I want to feel healthy and worthy
But I cant unless I take 35mg of a certain drug
I have to take drugs to feel happy
Even when I’m ‘happy’
I still want to die
I always want to die
On our first date at a restaurant
All I can think about running out into the street and getting hit

When you start to date me
Think again
Because I’m not what you get upfront
I’m not happy
I’m not sassy
Nor am I confident
I am trying to fool you into liking me
Because I know no one else can
I am following societies rules
Because I’m scared of the looks I get if I dont
On my happiest days
I will still go home and look at the pile of untaken medication
I wonder why they give medication to someone who’s suicidal
Also understand that I have planed my death 10 different times
Overdose
Stabbing
Cars
And more
I am not what you think I am
But please play along and pity me