i do not want you.

i do not want your touch;
your hands skimming my hips, my sides
delicate fingers stroking black lace
reverently

i do not want your lips
on my jaw, my collarbone
my neck, my anywhere...
supposedly

i do not want your voice;
a soft whisper in the lamplit glow
that, even after you go, still hangs in the air
wistfully

i do not want you.
i do not want you.
(a mantra chanted under my breath, somewhat
doubtfully)

at this forbidden hour,
Cinderella has to be home,
yet her hands are gently being kissed
as her heart turns into a pumpkin,
ready to be patched in mid March,
she dances with a broken glass heel,
twirls the ticking clock,
making the hour golden.

To love yourself is an art.

Nameless men sketch their fantasies along my hips
admiring me as I were their
                                                           masterpiece.

**** in an antique wooden frame
    that hangs by my throat,
                                                            gagging.

Is it really self-confidence
if it only emerges sometimes?

I told you that you should always be
thankful, things are getting
better, the process
is just rather slow,

and I told you that the proof lies
in the fact that you still have some
sanity left today,
if things weren't getting better,
then what else
could you be holding onto?

Guilt of lack of sleep
makes me decide to go to bed early,

Guilt of lack of accomplishments
makes me unable to sleep thinking about it,

Guilt of sleeping in and time wasted
makes me put 3 alarms at 6:01 am, 6:02 am, and 6:05 am,

Guilt of my emotions eating me up,
makes me unable to get up even when Im wide awake,

It turns out that guilt is the only thing I accomplish, allow to eat my day up, and yet can't decide on lacking.

Tell me how
I only break
to be strong and still,
how I only
take from me
to give to others,
how I get disapprovals
on my own pain,
how I wake up as
early as 6 am,
yet can't get up
until the regrets of
time gone to waste
hit at 2 pm,
Tell me how
to stop.