I cry.
In words that make paper cuts in silence
It's better than just crying in sound
Sounds that leave you repeating those sounds, till you drown out the sounds and allow yourself to sleep.
See I've known these sounds too much.
I used music, but it made me cry harder that when I finally found the words, I found a peace, a balance called release.

So I write and write my sorrows
For a tomorrow that doesn't cut in fast enough

You shout
You punch me
You judge me
You suffocate me
You're right
You can
Because you can
I'm silent
I have bruises
I'm useless
I'm wrong
I can't
Because you can

We were both at distance
I couldn’t  see you,
Until
I heard you sing,
I cried, so beautiful
A song I will never remember,
But know the feeling
I try to remember
Eres tú

I woke up in tears,
To remember would be a dream
To hear your song
To cry
To see
Eres tú

Love
To my past,
I'm sorry
I put up barriers so you couldn't reach me
You scared me, so free with me
but i couldn't see past my view
You were the same as yesterday
Impetus that i would look past you
You would look me in the light
and smile
Oh that smile,
I loved to smile
but i still couldn't see
It was me

Too many hells to deal with
Broken inside
making sure you wouldn't see this
Our connection was bright as sun
I could only glance for so long
You wanted to tie me around your body
and breathe with you,
but i was still learning to change the heart beating blues
If i could've given you a chance and time
I would feel your heart beating in sync with mine

Like a rhythm that doesn't hold back
Two lovers that meet at the sound of a hi-hat
I would hear you drumming deep in my chest
As i would string the bass that twisted tongues
and bodies pressed
I love you forever
Just from afar we stand
Searching for that feeling
as lovers pass
only to glimpse at the love that has surpassed
the stages of the past.
My last;

-When does it stop hurting
-Learning not to care
-Learning not to cry
- Just hold it all inside
- Learn to be silent
-Learning to breathe
The list I go through everyday
Is starting to change
-Be invisible
-Don't breathe
-Dont smile
-Don't speak
Eventually I won't exist,
all the life has left my body
Just empty
A vessel of space no longer hurting
Just passing by the hours and days
That no longer matter
Because i finally got here
It stopped, the pain stopped
But so did my heart

Smile even as the tears fall
When you're alone and no one can see the beauty
The real, the ugly truth
That you've hidden for so long
Stop trying to be so strong
Stop, slow down and breathe
Open your eyes, let go of everything and smile
You are messy, and all alone
But be brave and stand
Show your scars, no coverups
There's no need to be scared
No need to be tough
Just smile
you are enough.

Tears fall
Body withdraws
There's no one to hold
I have to do what I'm told
Tomorrow I'll be 19 years old
Still
I'm here with no vision
No where to go
On my own
I cry alone
Listening to music
That makes me cry more and more
The possibilities and promises in the lyrics
It's something, the someday, the someone I want to meet
I can't do this alone
I'm not strong enough
It's just too rough
I can't breathe
Anymore
Sleep awaits

She waits
She waits for it
She waits for me
To ******
My stupid feelings then
Get ****** in
I can never win
It's no longer a game
Just the same ****
Different day

I take a rest
But she's ready for war
Clapping at my door
So I can snap back
Giver her a reason to attack
In my sleep
So I can't breathe
She's killing me
All I see is a girl that bleeds
And bleeds she pleads
So weak
Hanging in defeat
Off her feet, locked knees
Tears seep
Falling...
Falling free
Of the memories
The chaotic screams
She can finally leave
Truly at peace
She is taken with the breeze.

I could never do it.
I could never do it.

I say this over and over .Because I could not do it.I look forward to the future, dreaming the ease of dying, I can't stop this crying. Because i could not do it. Is it easier to leave or to stay. I cannot say. Because I could not do it. I thought I could be brave, brave enough to leave. I tried it once and I could not do it, didn't go through with it. So I stopped and started crying again. I say I am mostly sane because im not the only one.
But still I could not do it. I am not that strong or brave, but wish I could. I think about the people around me, flaunting their freedom as they should be,it is their right to be. But what does that say for me. I no longer run with the breeze, keeping my head down in between my knees. A cry for help, that whispers so quietly no one can see this insanity within me. I understand now that I can only look to the future and hope
From learning from others that feel me, it's all I can look forward to, the only thing I can hold on to. whilst the words that whispers in waves, I cannot be brave. I cannot be strong. I cannot resist. I cannot move on. Because I could never do it. Alone.

I wish I could go
Anywhere they won't know
Anywhere by the sea
Cool waters, the ocean breeze
Where the sun sets
And the ocean meets
To see beyond
The horizon once more
As the sun moves on
And the lights are gone

No longer afraid to live,
Not afraid to die
Free to smile
To live to ride
It's a rough road
And **** happens
Just keep your eyes open
And fasten, your belt in
Cause when you punch on the brakes
A second too late
The road splits in two
One to turn back
One to drive through

At the end, when you find your place
Where the sun sits on the ocean waves
And the breeze takes your legs to sea
You will have travelled for long
Moved on and became strong
it was inside you all along
As your heart whispers a song
*She belongs

-Not a poem
3-2(OT) SANJOSESHARKS!!

Why?
Ive been thinking of lately.....

My soul is slowly dying with each scream she makes
Scream, scream, scream
Sirens go off inside my head warnings, chaos creeping up
How did I get on the floor
Angry footsteps go back and forth
I focus on these beats
Blank, emptiness is what I hope to find
But I can still hear her screams
Its all red, why won't it stop, why won't she just stop
Why won't she just leave me alone
I've gone fucken insane
Help someone
Take me away
Take me away
Make me forget
Save me from this hell
please
Just take me
Fly me off to that 'someday'
I've been dreaming of
Where green lights lie ahead
To that gate upstairs
Take me

It's sad
She thinks the're friends
But thats not what she is
She is jealous of her
Wants to embarrass her
You
You use her
You never comfort her
You never check if she's okay
You don't know her
You never will
Live your life not hers

You walk on her when she's on the ground
She silently asks for your help
When hell yells
While you stand by as she curls up in her shell
She wishes that someone could take her away from this hell
To carry her
To hold her till she sleeps silently.

She tells you her secrets
And you use them against her
She thought she could trust you
But you envy her
She asks you why
You look for answers
She asks why again
And you are confused
She says why me and not you
Don't focus on her, focus on you
When you are silent, she burns
Live your life not hers.

Nothing is never enough
I did everything you wanted
But you wanted more
The trophies the medals
What do I really stand for
You love to use me
And when you're done you throw me away
Like a piece of scrap metal
I'll be recycled anyway
I've tried and tried to please you
But all I get in return are more complaints,
Tear stains on that shirt you don't like
I'm just a piece of meat
That you put on display
Cut and moulded into your perfect shape

I wish you would just stop
And let me be
But you gave birth to me
Its your authority
But all you do is scream and scream
Its killing me

To the point where I don't know
anymore
Is there a point
What am I living for
Im just alive
But never living
Nothing will ever be enough
I'm always giving and giving
And now theres nothing left
Its just empty
I'm empty

Everything you say to me
Takes me one step closer to the edge
And I'm about to
Break
-Linking Park

How do I hate you
And then suddenly forget
The things you did to me
Left me crying in my bed
All the slammings and bangings
I took to the ground
Wiped all away
No memories found
You think its okay
Its part of parenting
Creating the fear
Burning inside of me
Flames that continue to grow
Leaving me with no escape
Just a piece of rope

I wake up some days
When I forget the pain
Only to hear you screaming my name
Guess some things never change
I used to tell myself
That you treated me fair
Just like the others
But then the threats kept coming
No wonder why I was struggling
To keep my mind in check
your hands from my neck
Eventually I fell
And deep it was
Into a world full of hatred and anger
I never felt more true
You dont even notice
You have no clue
Of my depression and hate
It cannot be tamed
I may forget sometimes
I hate you
And that will never change
a returning feeling is alive again

Everything I do is never enough
I follow your orders,cleaning your ****
You want to be praised by all your **** that's clean
But little do they know
That was all me

You can go around and poison people's minds
Telling them stories about me, with that fake smile
That you love to wear so people won't hate you
But little do you know
They already do

They're just like you
Born in the same place
Same culture and tradition
Nothing new
You're all the same
You love to talk and *****
It actually sad and makes me sick to my stomach
I wanna throw up
All your the threats of abuse
You try to cover up
But little do you know
I don't give a flying ****
About you
I just can't wait to leave and blow **** up

Three words that  never felt more honest and real to me
I never would've thought I could ever truly feel this way about a person
But I do
Truly, with every ounce of me
I.Hate.You.

Just a *******
You haven't cleaned of the floor yet
You order other people to do it
Cause you wouldn't want to get your hands *****

This is your life
It's all you care about
My income,my job
Bragging all around
About how I'm great
And that's thanks to you
A loving, caring mother
"Say it isn't true?"
No comment...
No words
Can really explain
What you are to me
So I'll start with *****
Cause that's all I see

I know you love me
In your own chaotic way
Just not before everyone else
Somehow that's okay
So I've learnt to deal
With all the ******* you spit
I'm useless, just a burden
I ain't worth ****

So when I leave
And walk out that door
I'm not coming back
And that's for sure
I'll leave this ******* of a family
You say you love
Disappear out of here
And find a new one

Say whatever you want
Cause I won't be listening
The people actually hearing your crap
Ain't worth mentioning
Just a waste of all my energy
Can't change people judging me
Cause what I did
And what I've done
Will always be apart of me

Reputation is what they hear of me
That life is just a fallacy
Not my true identity.

The computer
So complex, always developing
Never carefree
Overloaded with so many memories
Of love,
Loss, anger and everything
Screaming signals
For the downloads to just stop
Cancel, change tracks and
Get off
Leaving the paranoia and insecurity behind
All that's left is the battle of the minds
Dizzy with violent thoughts ad fantasies
Overflowing rivers of possibilities

Love is joy, has a limited time
Anger is destructive, and out of line
Grief is never over, and done
Fears yet, to be overcome

The storage continues to overpile
With emotional paralysis
Eventual unconsciousness
-> Download incomplete

The tree of life
Soaks in the winds of sorrow
That whisper songs of woe
But nobody can hear it
No one could bear it
Expanding and contracting with each stiff breeze
Releasing punishing winds that dare seize
But with each breath, now short and alone
Construct wildfire all on its own

Grief and isolation
Spreading bushfires
Slowing burning down the branches
As we respire
What is left in our hollow trees
The severity of loss taking overwhelmingly
When all is lost, we are left with misery
The constant cycle of life
The suffering

The Brewery
Located superolateral to 'The Abdomen'
Runs under the control of the four beertaps
Releasing the poisonous drops of frustration
Filling up the body of desolation
Drunk on liquor
Cells getting thicker
Squeezing out the blood, the pain,
the anger, the rage
Caged, in for so long
Growing more strong
Out of control and beyond

Anger so hot, so volatile
So stubborn, so in denial
Intoxicates itself within the factory of whiskey
Sipping in Jack Daniels to satisfactory
Feeling burned, its vessels burst out with migraines
A red face, blood shot eye strain

Bouts of anger frustrate the powerhouse
This house of pain
A house on fire
No ounce of rain
A house on fire
Caged, Tamed, Chained
Retired..
Drained.
This house of pain

The heart
In me, Under my skin
Forces to break after the destroyed love....

"Wow youre so lucky"
I wish that were true
"He's smart and attractive"
I wish i we we through
"Aww he's so sweet"
If only you knew
"He's so strong"
You have no clue

Behind closed doors
You'll nver have to see
Those strong hands choking me
Beneath the makeup
Plum stained cheeks
That rest on my face
Such sweet memories

The spots of poison
that surround my body
Ache at your touch
Hearing the pointless sorries
I tried to go,
to turn the other way
But that charming smile
Told me stay
To wait it out
It was just one time
Until came tomorrow
The unfortunate lie

You lying and promising,
sick of “I love you”apologies

You never knew
the pushing and the pulling that i went through
to tell you the truth
I ******* hate you,
and i know under all that family crap
you do too

And that's okay
the love you have for me goes half-way
Now i can finally leave you
i say Adeiu

Today
The tears have managed to slip out
Bringing about the red eyes,
choked out cries
of what life is really like
Inside these four walls

At every corner
i cave
Knowing if i stand up
i will get slammed down
down to where i curl up
dead, still wishing for a better life
inside these four walls

I live in fear for tomorrow
Afraid i might finally have the courage
to press down deep enough
to expose the anger that runs through my veins
everyday
inside these four walls

Mother and father is what they call themselves
nuturing us with love and care
protecting us from the evil that is out there
but is there a difference from the evil out there
and the evil that is stained
on these four walls

Forced to play by their rules
We follow them blindly
even with the ocassional abuse
"you're not white" excuse
marks of bruises
that show our traditional ways of life
inside these four walls.

Crying is not allowed
no sugarcoating when we're down
we live only for your purpose
of control and possession
choices made under your disgretion
indide these four walls
it's all i've ever known
there's no place like home.

If wishes could come true
I'd be free
no worries, no regrets
left behind me
If wishes could come true

There would be nothing holding me back
no blood ties, no memories
no more abuse
If wishes could come true

I would smile at every chance
no screaming, no shouting
no more tears for you
If wishes could come true

I would open my eyes for the world to see
no pain, no fear
no more hiding from you
If wishes could come true

I wouldn't need a birthday cake
no candles, no blowing
no more wishes
just waiting for my dreams to come true

The Wanting


The way she smiles, and lights up his face
is something that i keep on my list
The way they close the gap in between
is something that i keep on my list
The way she breathes, while he takes it all in
is something that i keep on my list

Sometimes, i hear them yelling
on the other side of the wall
Shattering pictures and slamming doors,
that were only to be left open at night
for him to apoligize
Try to make things right
Let out his cries
Begging for her forgiveness
While the time goes by

My list is now full
I want to make him laugh
I want to kiss him crazy
I want to breathe in the air he breathes
I want the fighting and crying
and that feeling of dying, yearning for him
I want that forever, soul mate,
definite whatever you wanna call him
I.want.love.....and then some

Everyday,
You scream
Bottling up the words of hate
to be spilled all over me
I'm dripping endlessly
with these words of
Hate, anger
"it's out of love"

i'm just one of your pawns
a peasant no less
born out of love
just another regret
You can use me
Abuse me
I'm jus another piece on the board
moving at the command of your fingers
already at your beck and call

You say you raised me,
but now i'm a waste of space
just a passing presence
vanishing at the drop of rain
Somedays i soak in your wors of hate and anger
"i'm a waste of life"
i shouldn't be alive
the cause of your stress
a pikeman no less

i'm screaming inside
can't move my sides
in between your fingers
i'm part of this game you play
i'm stuck screaming
Everyday

If i could
I would leave right now
Be stripped of my name
Be stripped of it now

All of the yelling and screaming
I've just had enough
of all the false statements
and all the false love
"Words have the power to change us"
I know this is true
From all the threats
and those words you
Threw at me
******* in me
That i could never be

Here
Breathing
Near death....
Yet still breathing
going backwards and forwards
Between the plams of your hand
Worth nothing yet
But my name is a brand
Slammed
Into me
Marking me with blotchy stains
I'm cuffed in chains, that hold me down

If i could
I would be stripped of my name
and leave right now